The motel window was covered with thick cloth so he couldn’t even tell if it was day or night. Soohyun shivered at the cold air touching his skin and raised his body. Seeing the first digit of the electronic clock placed in one corner of the room showing 5, he figured it was around 5 AM.
“Urk, uurk…”
The nausea he’d briefly forgotten due to fatigue began rising again. His empty stomach was clamoring to give up something. Soohyun gathered his clothes and left the room for a moment with just one 10,000 won bill in hand. He was thinking of buying some light snack at a nearby convenience store.
“Milk and… should I eat rice… urk…”
Just looking at food made his stomach churn and was difficult, but he had to eat something to settle his upset stomach. Thinking his stomach was seriously upset, he was about to buy some digestive medicine sold at the convenience store when his gaze stopped on one item.
[Pregnancy Test Kit]
Since his body was essentially unable to carry a child anymore, even though he knew the current symptoms were almost the same as when he’d been pregnant before, Soohyun pretended not to know. It didn’t make sense in the first place. Soohyun’s uterus was damaged to the point where it couldn’t function properly, and a body that didn’t even produce pheromones couldn’t possibly maintain a pregnancy.
‘Still, just in case… just in case. Really. Just to be reassured.’
The hand holding the test kit trembled. When he put the test kit, a triangle kimbap, milk and bread in the basket and calculated, the amount came to exactly 10,000 won. Soohyun grabbed the bagged items and escaped from the convenience store as if fleeing, entering the motel room.
Although he’d gone out at dawn because of his stomach’s clamoring, Soohyun’s gaze remained only on the test kit. Even though 8 years had passed, the usage method was still vivid. The moment when he’d confirmed the pregnancy and rejoiced with Jeongwon flashed through his mind like a panorama.
But now was different from then. Soohyun was alone, and it was an irreversible situation with the person who might be the baby’s father.
‘That can’t be. It can’t be… I’m already…’
An omega who was practically half-broken, with no heat cycle and no pheromones coming out—pregnancy? He must have gotten his hopes up over just a few dry heaves. Now that he’d decided to die, he must be struggling because he wanted to live, his stomach must be making a last desperate attempt without knowing its owner’s intentions—that’s what Soohyun thought.
However, contrary to his thoughts, his hands unwrapping the test kit packaging were urgent. It was fortunate he hadn’t gone to the bathroom right after waking up in the morning. After applying urine according to the instructions, Soohyun left it in the bathroom and came out. How long did he have to wait? Was it 5 minutes, was it 10 minutes… Only then did Soohyun check the instructions written on the wrapper.
One, two, three, four, five…
After waiting 5 minutes that felt longer than 5 hours, Soohyun opened the bathroom door. He didn’t have the courage to look at the test kit placed on the sink. He couldn’t even know himself whether he wanted one line or two lines.
“Ah…”
The color revealed on the white background the same color as his skin wasn’t dark. Unable to believe the faint but clear two lines, Soohyun rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.
“That’s… impossible…”
He regretted only buying one test kit. Because they say there are cases of errors, though the probability is very low. Since he hadn’t thought at all that he could get pregnant, Soohyun had even forgotten the fact that he should buy three or four test kits.
“No, that can’t be. This is wrong.”
He hoped it was wrong, yet hoped it wasn’t wrong. It was Seojun’s baby. No, it was his baby. The child who would become his only family sharing his blood, whom he never thought he’d be able to meet again.
“Heu… heuk… heuk…”
Soohyun stroked his belly with his hand. You’re there. Though he briefly thought the result might be wrong, Soohyun shook his head. A small, precious seed that had taken root with difficulty was definitely inside his belly.
“Baby… did you really… really come?”
Now he had nothing left, so he was going to end everything. He was going to disappear like sand scattered in the wind without leaving an inch of lingering attachment.
But a baby came to Soohyun like that.
‘Soohyun-ah, don’t be in pain.’
“Ah…”
Suddenly Soohyun recalled the voice in his dream. He’d thought the owner of the gentle voice that embraced him telling him not to be in pain was Jeongwon, but when he thought carefully, it seemed a bit different.
‘Dad, let’s live together.’
“Hup… heuheup…”
The child’s voice that couldn’t possibly be heard echoed in his ears. Was this what the child, who must be so small now that it wouldn’t even be the size of a finger, was saying to him as he tried to give up everything and leave? Soohyun cried for a long while with his mouth covered, then wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
He wanted to live. He wanted to live and give birth to the child and become his family. After getting the illness called panic disorder, Soohyun had always been afraid of the morning sun. Because the fact that another day had begun was more frightening than joyful. But today, just today, the rising morning sun was welcome. He wanted to go to the hospital as soon as possible.
* * *
Two months had already passed since Soohyun left. Although Chaeho knew where he was, he didn’t dare think about going to find him.
The phrase ‘the only family I chose’ resonated in Chaeho’s heart. Even if he couldn’t be his love, he could be his family. Chaeho took out Soohyun’s letter, which was only a few lines, whenever he had time and swallowed his tears while reading it.
Yet Chaeho periodically checked Soohyun’s location and confirmed his ‘survival.’ He watched to make sure the phone signal didn’t stay in one place for too long, that he wasn’t moving to a remote place, and Chaeho worried day and night that Soohyun might give up everything and leave for somewhere far away. And just in case Jang Seokhyeon might extend his evil hand to him again, he took measures in advance.
‘If you play any more tricks on Soohyun hyung, I won’t stay still either.’
‘What? What can someone like you do!’
‘If anything happens to Soohyun hyung, I’ll use every means I have.’
‘Ha, there’s no way you have such things!’
‘Well. Why don’t you check for yourself.’
After leaving a stern warning to Jang Seokhyeon, Chaeho sent an email with the dashcam footage from the day he kidnapped Soohyun and records of what he’d done to Soohyun—materials that media outlets who like gossip would quite enjoy.
Jang Seokhyeon called Chaeho several times to threaten him and sent people, but Chaeho didn’t bat an eye and said calmly:
‘That position must not be precious to you. Your father would be quite disappointed.’
Thanks to Chaeho’s efforts, Jang Seokhyeon didn’t approach Soohyun even though he knew where he was. But Chaeho, who had to worry about his father’s company work, Soohyun, and even Jang Seokhyeon, was always plagued by extreme fatigue.
“Kim Chaeho, what’s with your face these days?”
“I’m just tired.”
“For a young guy…”
To his father’s question, to questions from those around him, Chaeho didn’t answer properly and just silently devoted himself to work. More precisely, if he didn’t work, he couldn’t bear it. When Soohyun was with Seojun, he could endure not having him nearby because he looked happy, because he showed the smiling face like before. Just occasionally exchanging texts or phone calls was enough to wait for him.
But the past two months were a much longer and harder time for Chaeho than 10 years.
“This is tough…”
What was he doing now, was he eating properly after leaving alone, was he going to the hospital well, whether his panic disorder had gotten worse—everything was worrying. Today too, Soohyun’s GPS signal moved similarly to yesterday, and Chaeho could start the day watching his movements like that.
[Hello, this is Choi Seojun.]
Chaeho, who had overworked himself all day, came home and turned on the TV without thinking. When Seojun’s appearance entered the screen, he wanted to quickly change the channel, but stopped the finger that was about to press the remote control button because it was unusual that he was on a talk show rather than a drama.
[For Choi Seojun-ssi to appear in a place like this. What a thing to see after living so long.]
[Haha… I’m honored that you invited me.]
Unlike Soohyun, whose face had become haggard from severe mental distress, Choi Seojun on the screen had a healthy and bright face no different from before. Until then, Chaeho had no ‘feelings’ whatsoever about Choi Seojun, but now it was a bit different. Just seeing Seojun smile, it was unpleasant that unlike Soohyun, he still seemed happy.
[…But Choi Seojun-ssi, about that scandal from before.]
He didn’t want to see Seojun’s face anymore. Chaeho was going to turn off the TV just like that, but he froze at Seojun’s following words.
[I just… wasn’t lucky, I guess. Still, I’m grateful that everyone recognized my sincerity. I’m planning to push forward firmly with the image of an upright young man from now on.]
Wasn’t lucky? With a dazed face, Chaeho stared at the screen and threw the remote control. Soohyun’s appearance as he shyly smiled while confessing he had feelings for Seojun was still vivid before his eyes, yet for you, all of that gets organized as just ‘unlucky’?
Chaeho sat on the sofa and stared vacantly at the ceiling before shifting his gaze to the phone in his hand.
He wanted to call Soohyun. Whether he was doing well, whether he was hurt anywhere, whether he had perhaps seen the talk show he’d just watched. Whenever Soohyun’s beautiful face was wet with tears, Chaeho wished his pain would come to him instead. Having lost the alpha he’d imprinted on, lost his pheromones, and even lost his peace of mind, what more was there to take from him that the world was so desperate to tear him apart further?
“Hyung… you have to live…”
Even though it was very painful to watch his pain from beside him, Chaeho wanted him to live. Whenever he made a face like he was about to let go of life, Chaeho desperately clung to him. Don’t do that, please live, let’s wait a bit more.
