‘Chaeho-ya, I’m sorry, really sorry.’
It seemed Soohyun couldn’t grant Chaeho’s request not to leave without saying anything this time either. He couldn’t just watch young and kind Chaeho be tainted by himself, who was becoming worn out from being beaten down by life.
He had to leave. Even though he had nowhere to go right now, and his body had become unable to ride buses or trains, he decided to go as far away as possible… to wherever this body could go.
Soohyun stayed up all night that night recalling places he could go. He wasn’t confident about taking the bus, but if he somehow shoved the remaining medicine into his mouth, he might be able to go quite far. He decided to leave Chaeho a short letter. That he was sorry, and that he was grateful. That you… are my only family that I chose in this world.
Before dawn broke, Soohyun’s bag as he left the house was light. Clothes no different from when he left Seojun’s house and belongings that didn’t matter whether he had them or not. And a wallet and bankbook containing all his assets were all Soohyun had.
One, two, three.
Soohyun left Chaeho’s house and looked at his house with the lights off. Still, he wanted to at least make breakfast as a last gesture. To leave as quietly as possible, Soohyun couldn’t prepare a final breakfast table for him.
On the way to the bus stop, Soohyun looked around. What if Jang Seokhyeon’s surveillance was attached? But no suspicious cars were visible. There were no strange signs until he arrived at the bus stop. Soohyun was planning to take the first bus. He waited for the bus while dissolving the medicine under his tongue. Thanks to staying up all night, the area around his temples throbbed as if it would burst, so he pressed his eye sockets hard with his fingers. If he closed his eyes and put earphones in his ears. If he didn’t see or hear anything, he would be able to endure the bustling world a little more.
‘Let’s go…, just a little more… just a little farther… to wherever I can go.’
A journey without a destination couldn’t be enjoyable, and there couldn’t be any expectations. But if he could at least avoid Jang Seokhyeon’s eyes, if he could find a place that terrible man’s hands couldn’t reach, Soohyun wanted to go wherever that was.
Even if what waited at the end of the road was something other than life… the only place Soohyun could go was that nameless place.
* * *
A strange current was flowing. Soohyun should definitely be sleeping in another room, but Chaeho, whose eyes snapped open, rolled his eyes around to collect himself. And Chaeho sprang up like a spring, and as soon as he got out of bed, he headed to the room where Soohyun would be sleeping.
“…Hyung?”
Inside the firmly closed door was unusually quiet. He didn’t look well yesterday… He had decided to take a day off from work today and go for a walk with Soohyun. Soohyun, who hadn’t seen the outside even once for nearly two weeks, was wilting like a flower that hadn’t been exposed to sunlight.
“Soohyun-hyung, still sleeping?”
Chaeho knocked on the door. He, who didn’t sleep much in the morning, always woke up before him, and would set a simple breakfast table before Chaeho woke up. Although it was earlier than usual, Chaeho was certain he would be awake and gently opened the door.
“Hyung…?”
But the air in the room was cool. The blanket that should have been bulging was too flat. Chaeho shook his head and approached, lifting the blanket.
Even though he knew there was nothing there.
“Soo… Soohyun-hyung!”
Flutter—
Chaeho learned today for the first time that the sound of paper falling really makes that sound. On the yellow paper that Soohyun had definitely written, a few lines of Soohyun’s traces remained.
[I’m sorry, Chaeho-ya. I was always sorry. And grateful. I can’t endure myself anymore, so I’ve decided to leave. I’m going to try to go as far as possible. If it gets any later, I might not be able to do anything… That’s why I’m going. I don’t want my misfortune to cast a shadow over you anymore. Take care.
-To Chaeho, my only family I chose, from Soohyun-hyung-]
“Heu… heuk…”
The strength left his hand that had been clutching the paper. He didn’t want to crumple the first letter he had written. It was like that from the beginning. When he reached out his hand to his crying self, when he was on the verge of breaking from being hurt, the person called Lee Soohyun was kind and gentle, and extremely afraid of people around him getting hurt because of him.
“Hyung… hyung…”
For Chaeho, the name ‘Soohyun’ was the kindest and warmest, yet also the most heartbreaking name in the world. For my precious hyung who is beautiful but not happy. Is not even the smallest happiness allowed?
Chaeho cried quietly for a long time.
* * *
“Now… just one more time…”
Soohyun rode buses from dawn until night. Unable to take an express bus going a long distance, he arrived at the bus terminal and chose the closest destination. While repeatedly getting on and off buses, choosing distances he could go within an hour, he barely managed to leave Gyeonggi-do and reach a small city.
“Haa… haa… haa…”
Soohyun, who had been on buses without eating a meal from a little before 5 AM until 9 PM at night, was very exhausted. Without a place to sleep tonight, he was planning to spend a day at a nearby motel for now.
Entering the cheap motel room worth a few tens of thousands of won, Soohyun lay down on the bed and looked at the dim ceiling. His stomach was churning, but he didn’t particularly want to eat anything.
“Chaeho will be worried.”
Soohyun muttered quietly while looking at his phone with the power turned off. He still had no intention whatsoever of doing anything here. He hadn’t even thought about whether he would just live on or put a period to his life here. The one thing that was certain was that for Soohyun, there was no lingering attachment left.
‘I wish I had gone with Jeongwon-ssi back then…’
It was a thought he’d had whenever things were difficult. There were times when he resented him for leaving alone, abandoning him to this world. Because he loved him so much, because it was sad that he had thrown away his own life for him, he hated him. His voice saying he wanted to make him happy was still vivid. The sight of him dying while bleeding, the smile he gave affectionately while reaching out his hand toward him even while in pain.
It felt like he was being punished for surviving at the cost of that good person’s life. An unhealthy body, misfortune that came whenever he tried to forget, as if it wouldn’t allow even small happiness…
Soohyun, who had bent his knees and curled up his body tightly, smiled very bitterly.
‘Right… let’s not hold any lingering attachments.’
Because it was the life he’d left behind. He thought he had to desperately live on behalf of him, that he had to live somehow. Because he thought his life wasn’t his own, he didn’t give up even when he was trampled miserably by Jang Seokhyeon’s group. He tried somehow to live, pulling together his torn-up body, forcibly stitching up his wounds, and applying medicine all over.
But his attachment to life had already run out long ago. Just one thing, it was regrettable that he couldn’t convey his true feelings to Seojun. When he put a period to his life and closed his eyes, perhaps a shabby lingering attachment about what he couldn’t say to him might remain. Even with a life like this, wasn’t it okay to leave that much regret behind?
Looking at the ceiling with lifeless eyes, Soohyun used the bed as support to raise his body. There was no reason to live right now, but he didn’t want to grow cold in a motel room while causing trouble for others. Before going to meet Jeongwon who would be sleeping peacefully in heaven, he wanted to leave a bit more neatly, in the pretty form that he remembered.
Soohyun knew best that a person’s death could never be beautiful. How much had he wailed seeing Jeongwon’s face, pale blue and stiffly hardened? How much had he grieved that he couldn’t be with him, scratching and scratching the floor because he couldn’t believe the reality?
‘Hyung, please don’t do this. Hyung… please…’
He thought of young Chaeho who had cried while holding onto him when it seemed like his breath would stop at any moment. At the choice he made, Chaeho would grieve deeply and think everything was his fault. So if possible, like a nameless flower withering in a place no one could find, he wanted to do the same.
“Urk… uurk…”
While repeatedly pondering how he could fade away like falling petals, nausea surged. Perhaps because he hadn’t eaten all day, his stomach writhed, begging to be saved. Your owner has already lost the will to live, yet you want to live. Tears flowed down the corners of his eyes for no reason.
“Urk… uurk…”
Soohyun, who had been lying down, bent his waist like a shrimp. The feeling of his insides churning was both unfamiliar and familiar, so he repeatedly dry heaved even though nothing came out.
“Why… why is this happening…”
The feeling of his insides twisting and churning felt like being drunk. Was it because he had overworked his body riding buses all day? Soohyun gulped down water from the refrigerator all at once to soothe his churning stomach.
“Haa… haa…”
Twinge—
A strange feeling came over him. After the incident five years ago, Soohyun had suffered from abdominal pain for a long time. He had kept painkillers ready in case of the sudden severe pain that could come at any time, but since he’d had no symptoms for a while, he didn’t have any prescriptions.
Twinge—
Pain was added to the belly that had been wriggling little by little. Soohyun couldn’t even straighten his back properly and broke out in cold sweat before barely managing to lie down on the bed. It felt a bit different from the feeling of his belly being torn apart—it felt like someone was grabbing and squeezing somewhere deep inside with their hand.
“Urk… huurk… it hurts… it hurts…”
Just moments ago he’d been trying to die, yet when death-like pain came, fear flooded in. He had no desire whatsoever to be found cold in this shabby motel. That was something that shouldn’t happen. Because it would hurt those left behind.
“Urk… huurk…”
The pain repeated subsiding and intensifying, and Soohyun breathed out slowly, trying to get used to it. Only after sweating enough to soak his back did the pain gradually subside. But his stomach that churned as if he were on a boat remained the same. Completely exhausted in body and mind, Soohyun fell asleep just like that.
* * *
“……”
