The message send time wasn’t long ago. Bernard’s mouth trembled. He stood as if nailed down, then shook his head in shock. He had to go back. There was nothing good about staying long.
His limping steps showed plainly that his body condition was not well, but there wasn’t a single person here to worry about Bernard. Even if he returned home, it was questionable whether there would be such a person, but Bernard wanted to leave this place right away.
Despite the sound of opening and closing the front door not being that loud, Bernard looked around startled. But not even a person’s shadow could be seen. Once he left the house, his limping stride grew a bit larger. The lawn in the garden was trampled beneath his sneakers.
He did seem to have a fever. His head throbbed, and every time he walked, a hot lump of tears kept surging up to his throat at the piercing pain in his rear.
Though his life couldn’t be called long, he had thought he’d lived without shame. But after meeting Rubens, Bernard’s life was full of nothing but shame. Though suffocating, what could he do? Everything was his own fault.
Many incidents had always erupted because of Bernard. Because Bernard’s existence was unpleasant, because making eye contact was displeasing, because Elliot loved him most, because he was Elliot’s brother despite being worthless, because something unlucky took good grades… There were many causes, and even knowing all that was nonsensical, countless malice clouded Bernard’s judgment.
Didn’t everyone say unrequited love doesn’t end well? Then it must also be his own fault for starting an unrequited love.
[Rhino]: I miss you, Bernard.
The vibration rang again. He just stared endlessly at the message on the screen. Bernard, who had finally escaped even the garden, stood blankly in front of the iron gate. At a time when dawn hadn’t even passed, wind cold unlike summer penetrated between his clothes. He realized he’d left without his outerwear, but didn’t have the confidence to press the doorbell. He’d probably throw it away. He briefly calculated his balance to see if he had money to buy new clothes, but his worries scattered with a sigh.
The message content stuck on his phone screen shook Bernard’s complicated heart. His vision repeatedly blurred and became clear. It hadn’t even been long since he coldly pushed him away, yet this kind of message. Really, really… Rhino must be a fool.
Though he’d said they couldn’t even be friends. Despite hurting him by saying he’d never thought of him as more than a friend, he sent a sentence without a speck of resentment.
Dawn often makes people’s hearts crumble. Trivial things that always happen at such times divide situations. Bernard also stood at such a crossroads.
The phone rang again. This time it was a call. A call he wouldn’t normally answer. He would have ignored it, saying he just didn’t answer because he was asleep at dawn. But unfortunately, Bernard was awake now. Perhaps an unfortunate situation for Rhino too. The hand hovering around the answer button curled up pale. In the end, dawn sentimentality pressed down on reason.
– Bernard?
Rhino’s voice was surprised. At his reaction as if he hadn’t even expected the phone call to connect, Bernard held his breath. If he stayed silent like this, he might think the call was connected by some accidental mistake. So he might dismiss this call as nonexistent and hang up. That might actually be better.
– …Sorry for calling.
A long silence continued. The wind was still cold, and Bernard’s cheeks flushed red with cold. His vision was dizzy with fever and his eyelids were heavy. Even amidst all that, Rhino’s voice could be heard clearly. The voice filled with worry pressed down the emotions sitting on his chest.
– I thought you’d be sleeping. Did I wake you?
After asking that, he only said sorry again. Bernard’s cheeks became wet. Bernard ridiculously overlapped his own appearance with him constantly saying he’s sorry. That’s what unrequited love is like. Emotions harbored alone drain a person’s blood like this.
– …Do you hate even talking to me?
Rhino acted like someone who hadn’t heard anything. Like someone who forgot his words about never contacting again, he asked as if they’d just fought the other day and spent some time apart. It was a cautious tone, but Bernard swallowed his breath because he couldn’t help but know the emotion steeped in it. It felt like he’d be caught crying. He mustn’t be caught. Especially not by him.
– Bernard.
Rhino was a good friend. He was also the only refuge in difficult school life. Everyone thought it was unpleasant that he hung out with Rhino, but at least when he was by his side, no one bullied him. He’s fed up. All of this is painful. He hated the fact that he’d lost his only friend, and that he himself had caused it.
– You…
Rhino’s breath broke off rapidly.
– Are you crying?
Bernard continued to be silent. He was covering his own mouth and only listening to Rhino’s voice. Though thinking he should hang up, he couldn’t. Knowing it was selfish, recognizing there was nothing good about this, he kept having pathetic feelings.
Nothing good had ever happened when Bernard was greedy. When he’d begged his parents to cherish him too, not just Elliot, he received cold gazes, and when he’d hovered around a child he secretly wanted to be close with, he was ridiculed. And even now like this, wasn’t he hitting rock bottom, unable to sort out feelings he should have buried after just one night?
Yet he has pathetic feelings again. Just once. Couldn’t he be greedy just one more time? His eyes felt like they would sting. Even his eyeballs felt hot and even his own breath felt warm. He shuddered at the chill seeping between his shirt.
– Please. Don’t cry so sadly without me there.
Rhino’s pleading always came easily before Bernard. Sometimes it was a playful tone, sometimes a sincere request. And the current pleading was in a very painful tone.
At the whispered voice saying “I can’t comfort you,” tears overflowed as if his tear ducts had broken. Bernard couldn’t give any answer, but Rhino held onto the call without answers for a long time.
‘Why do you always notice everything so easily like this? You know through and through when I’m in pain or having a hard time… Why do you make it hard for me even to lie.’
His head was hot. If he made contact with Rhino, Bernard had thought he would resent him. He thought it couldn’t be helped even if he resented him. Because if actually treated that way by someone you like, most people would be ashamed of even the feelings they had. Bernard had steeled himself in his own way. But it seemed he actually hadn’t steeled himself for anything.
Rhino had broken through so easily like this, as if none of it had happened. If it were before, Bernard might have been able to brush off the affection that squeezed through gaps, saying it was awkward. But now many excuses blocked the way. Because it’s hard, because it’s painful, because it hurts too much. Such worthless excuses. It was difficult to push away affection that came when most in pain.
“Please… help me…”
His cracked voice was a mess. Bernard muttered while sniffling. Both his heart and body were completely battered. He knew it was a selfish thing to say. There was no answer when he gave the address. That short silence felt like it was gouging reality. How long had he stood in front of the door, secretly relieved at Rhino’s voice that followed, telling him to wait just a moment? A familiar car body appeared from afar.
Rhino’s face as he got out of the driver’s seat was quite fierce. It was because Bernard’s state was terrible. He looked like he had a lot to say, but silently took off his outerwear and draped it over Bernard’s shoulders.
Bernard said nothing with a pale complexion. He smiled a little when he saw Rhino. But the tear stains stood out more, making Rhino’s expression even worse. At the opposite effect from what he’d thought, Bernard’s shoulders shrank more. Only after putting him in the passenger seat and fastening his seatbelt firmly as if treating a child did Rhino finally let out a long sigh.
Even knowing Bernard was completely intimidated and watching his mood, Rhino’s expression remained stiff as if he couldn’t easily control his feelings. Though Rhino had been angry several times, this was definitely the first time he’d failed at self-management like this in front of Bernard.
Bernard secretly thought he must definitely be angry because of him. He would know well whose house this was too. To ask him to come pick him up at such a place at dawn… It was truly shameless behavior.
Soon the car with its engine started moved forward smoothly. Throughout the ride, his coldly stiffened body gradually melted in the heater wind that had been turned on in advance. His feverish breath kept sinking down. It was painful as his wheezing breath from his lungs seemed to leak out scraping.
As tension released, it felt like his consciousness would flicker away any moment, but Bernard tried not to lose his mind. Though he strongly felt he should say something, he had no idea what words to bring out. Apologetic and grateful feelings conflicted, making his insides a complete mess.
“It’s cold at dawn, why did you come out without outerwear?”
“I, I forgot…”
Rhino didn’t even look to the side. He concentrated on driving while only looking ahead, and that appearance momentarily reminded him of Rubens. Bernard’s body shrank more and more. At his anxious behavior tightly gripping his knees, Rhino bit the tender flesh inside his mouth.
“I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you.”
“Yeah…”
“Just… I’m angry at myself. You don’t need to worry.”
“…”
“I’m such a fool.”
Bernard moved his dry lips then firmly closed them. Rhino saw Bernard’s head, which kept sinking deeply as if it would fall to the ground beside him, enter his field of vision but didn’t particularly turn to look. A self-deprecating sigh lengthened.
Then when Bernard coughed lightly, he looked a bit flustered. Asking if he was cold, he kept looking to the side as if he hadn’t just been looking straight ahead. His affection in checking the heater wind, saying he’d turn the heater up more, made Bernard’s mood crumble more.
It was a difficult emotion to explain. Bernard had thought he would never be loved. He had also considered that natural. So the current situation was the worst result that erupted from his own greed. The price for insignificant Bernard Weil daring to be greedy.
And he had also implicitly thought Rhino might disappear as the worst result. Because ordinary people can’t bear the fact that a worthless existence rejected them. Because they get angry and slap cheeks, saying a mere nothing made a fool of them. So he had guessed Rhino too might say he’d never see him again forever.
But seeing him turn around with a face full of worry like this was so unfamiliar that his mood kept sinking. The remnants of the past when he’d thought of him as a friend alone surged up with impulse.
“Why… do you like me?”
