Bernard let the flowing tears be. He didn’t even have the strength to hold back his tears. He buried himself in the car seat as if nothing had happened. Rhino was silent for a moment. The car that had been running along the road turned on its hazard lights and pulled over to the side.
He finally parked the car temporarily on the shoulder and turned to the side. After meticulously fastening the outer coat he had put on Bernard, buttoning it up to the neck, he wiped away the tears with both hands. But it was a useless action as more tears kept flowing. Even though Bernard only poured out sobs without words, which could have been frustrating, Rhino waited for him patiently.
Bernard couldn’t bring himself to raise his gaze and only looked down. He was afraid to make eye contact. The thought that he might be despised like that man kept turning his insides over. Even though he knew Rhino wasn’t that kind of person. He was different from Rubens. In every action. Even the trivial things.
“Don’t like someone like me. I’m… wicked and pathetic… sob, and I did such, such terrible things to you, hic… I, I again today to you, ugh……”
His words kept getting swallowed up by his crying. He knew he hadn’t done a single thing right, so he should apologize, but he couldn’t understand why only these pathetic words came out. Thinking that all the words he had piled up layer upon layer inside were these broken, formless, ugly things, Bernard hated himself.
“You have a fever.”
“Huh?”
“Do you want to go home?”
“……No.”
“Then let’s go to my place.”
Rhino didn’t push back at all. As if it were all feverish nonsense, with a face that showed no hurt, he carefully cupped both of Bernard’s cheeks again. From Bernard’s throat kept leaking a scratchy breathing sound. It seemed like a precursor to a cold.
Bernard nodded even though he knew it was the wrong choice. Everything was exhausting. He didn’t want to return home in this state, and he had no face to see Elliot with. His tears had stopped in the meantime and his dry cheeks stung. Rhino wiped the still-damp corners of his eyes with his thumb. He noticed the ring on Bernard’s finger but pretended not to. He vaguely knew too. What kind of ring that was could be sufficiently understood from the gossip going around.
It would be a lie to say it didn’t hurt. It would also be a lie to say he didn’t resent Bernard. However, the pain was greater than the resentment. The regret that he couldn’t treat him better, that he left him crying alone like this, that if only he had been in a better position. If only he had held a better family background and a more excellent business…… such regrets gnawed at Rhino’s insides.
At first, he thought Bernard Weil was nothing special. It was a poor-quality approach that started with trivial curiosity, with no reason to like him or anything, but he couldn’t tell when it had become so sincere.
“And Bernard. Thanks for answering the phone.”
Rhino’s smile was clouded like that day. Rhino remembered what his friend said about how pathetic it was to have unrequited love. That friend had arrogantly said he wanted to be the person who receives unrequited love. He had even put his arm around Rhino’s shoulder and said he envied him for being that kind of guy.
But Rhino preferred his current pathetic self. Even if Bernard didn’t love him, it was okay. He just…… wanted to be shade for him. If he who was dying in the scorching sun with no place to hide could catch his breath under his shade even for a moment, that was enough.
“…I’m fine. So use me without thinking about anything.”
The dark green eyes finally met his gaze directly. The wide-open eyes seemed somehow hurt and seemed to be suffering. He liked such a Bernard. If asked what he liked, he liked him to the extent that it was difficult to answer any one thing.
Love shared together is finding reasons to like the other person. However, unrequited love done alone is finding reasons why the other person doesn’t like you. Rhino swallowed a bitter smile as he thought of the blue-eyed man.
‘I should have said it earlier.’
The assumption that if he had confessed earlier and made himself recognized instead, rippled blackly with regret inside.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry Rhino……”
Bernard’s words were like a silent scream. Finally embracing his completely collapsing shoulders, Rhino only exhaled suffocating breaths. Bernard’s body, constantly apologizing in his arms, was much thinner than before. Rhino became distressed thinking there were only bones left. He wanted to ask what was driving him so hard, but now they were in a relationship where he couldn’t do that.
He just wished Bernard would be more cunning. He wished he would act mean with a worse heart. So he could take all the advantages he could take and blink his eyes indifferently as he passed by. But the Bernard Weil that Rhino knew wasn’t that kind of person. That was the problem.
“Be meaner to me.”
It was questionable whether he heard the whispered voice.
***
When Bernard opened his eyes, he was on a bed. He must have passed out in the car just like that. His body was much lighter than at dawn, as if he had been buried in the soft blanket for a long time. He was frantically searching for his phone when a voice suddenly interrupted from the side.
“Sleep more.”
Startled, when he turned around, Rhino leaning against the doorframe, who knows how long he’d been watching, finally came into view. He had a subtle expression, which somehow felt like he was reproaching him. When Bernard looked around timidly with a cowed face, Rhino’s expression became even more ambiguous.
“Are you angry?”
“……Yeah. I’m angry.”
“I’m sorry.”
Bernard’s right hand clutching the blanket turned white. Before the apologies could pour out again, Rhino’s words were faster.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“…Is kneeling down something you’d do just to have a conversation?”
“You can barely even look up right now.”
Bernard didn’t have time to choose his words. Rhino, who closed the distance in one breath, knelt beside the bed and met his gaze so he couldn’t even turn his head away. The eyes looking at him were too affectionate.
“Your physical condition is terrible.”
“……”
“Your hand even has a cast on it.”
“That’s……”
“Why are you crying alone in a place like that.”
It wasn’t a rebuke, but it sounded like one. Bernard’s lips twitched before closing tightly. Watching Bernard’s expression darken, Rhino felt like his mouth was drying up. His insides burned.
“Do you like that person that much?”
It was the wrong question. With an ‘oh no’ feeling, Rhino tried to quickly salvage the situation, but he couldn’t take back the question that had already been asked. Bernard still maintained his silence.
“……You don’t have to answer.”
As if his not answering was itself an answer, Rhino let out a short sigh. What could he do about a person liking another person? For now, he had to be satisfied with the fact that Bernard had answered the phone. However, while his reason understood, his emotions didn’t, which only made him suffer.
“While you were sleeping, Elliot called so I talked to him.”
“What did you say……?”
“That I called you out because I was bored. I also said we’d be late because we were playing around.”
“I see…… Thanks.”
It was a lifeless voice. Bernard’s eyes blinked. Rhino had many things he wanted to say but exercised patience. He knew well that when dealing with Bernard, everything always had to be done slowly.
Due to his upbringing, he had a tendency to be excessively timid. If he approached with only his heart leading, he would shrink back and quickly create distance. The reason Bernard’s human relationships during his school days were excessively narrow was for that reason. Even now, it was clear he couldn’t even think of asking anyone for help and was shouldering everything alone. Rhino spoke while struggling painfully to keep his gaze from automatically going toward Bernard’s ring.
“You can contact me anytime.”
“……”
“If you need anything, ask me for help.”
He placed his hand over the right hand clutching the blanket. At that warmth, Bernard sat there blankly without being able to answer, then nodded his head. Since Rubens seemed to view their contact unfavorably, there might actually be no occasion for Bernard to contact him in the future. However, Rhino decided to be satisfied that Bernard had given a positive answer. The hand fully enclosed in one hand felt very small. Bernard said.
“It’s pathetic, isn’t it. That when you’re the one confessing, I’m acting like this……”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s too much for someone like me.”
Rhino, who had been staring at Bernard muttering with a pitiful face, pulled his right hand. Bernard obediently offered his hand while looking at Rhino. Warm gray eyes. Come to think of it, he had always been Bernard’s complete ally.
If Rhino confessed his love, anyone would surely nod their head happily. During their school days, there were always many people showing favor toward him, and it was frequent for people to hover around him and eventually confess. Rhino was someone who drew everyone’s attention.
However, every time he received a confession, Rhino always refused, saying he liked someone and that person was a man, so Bernard just thought ‘I see’ and moved on. Occasionally when they were with Elliot, Elliot would act as if he was bothered, so Bernard naturally thought…… he liked his brother. That’s why he was nice to him. Otherwise, it was difficult to explain this ill-fitting friendship, so he foolishly acted as if that was correct.
“Ha.”
Suppressing the rising indignation, Rhino tried not to say nonsense.
“Let’s wash up first. I was waiting because I was afraid you’d wake up if I touched you.”
Since Bernard’s body was too cold when he fell asleep as if fainting, he had laid him on the bed first, but now that he was awake it was better to wash. When he picked up Bernard who was sitting there blankly, he couldn’t react with any words and hastily wrapped his arms around his neck. His nape, which briefly entered Rhino’s view, was red.
“I, I can walk.”
“Just let me. I’m anxious.”
“Or I think I could wash later……”
“Are you embarrassed to show me your naked body?”
Bernard in his arms shrank his shoulders. He seemed to be hesitating about something, but Rhino didn’t back down. After agonizing for a while, Bernard finally nodded his head. With his permission, Rhino carefully took a step. He sat him in the bathtub and checked the temperature as he filled it with water. After that, he helped Bernard undress, and at the appearance that was revealed, Rhino had to make a great effort not to raise his voice.
His body was a complete mess. The dried bloodstains remaining on his thighs, his back covered with bite marks and bruises, the bruises remaining near his buttocks and waist. At a glance, you could tell what kind of treatment he had gone through. And the culprit was probably…….
“Bernard.”
His thoughts always flowed toward sordid emotions. Suppressing his rising anger, Rhino forced a smile. He squeezed Bernard’s right hand tightly, then worried he might hurt him and released his strength. But Bernard was still leaving his hand entrusted while obediently waiting for Rhino’s words.
Every time Bernard relied on him like this, irrepressible emotions stacked up layer by layer from below in Rhino. The emotions filled to the brim pressed tightly against his heart.
“Should I tell you why I liked you?”
