Bernard drew a submissive smile and tried to faithfully follow the movements Rubens had taught him. Shallowly swaying his lower body pressed close and blinking his eyes, and licking his lips wet with saliva again to draw his gaze—all of it. Rubens’ expressionless face faintly cracked. A short hollow laugh arose and he swept back his fallen bangs.
“It’s the bed I slept with Elliot in. You sure speak cheap words well.”
“I’m… that kind of person, aren’t I?”
Bernard blinked his eyes a couple more times to keep from crying. I thought so, the thought crossed his mind. Rubens’ criticism gouged his chest, but he had to get used to it. So he smiled like someone unbothered. Those words that he had slept with Elliot… seemed to sink heavily in his chest. The desire to ask right away whether he hadn’t noticed at all, whether there was no difference from that night, conflicted with the feeling that he was rather glad he hadn’t recognized him.
Even though Bernard had a cast on his left arm, Rubens roughly turned him over. As if he didn’t even want to see his face, he pressed him down, undid his pants front, and stripped off his underwear all at once, seeming to have no interest at all in Bernard’s floundering.
A person who could be treated carelessly. That was exactly the extent of the treatment. Bernard, his face buried in the pillow, was now almost naked, but Rubens hadn’t undone a single shirt button. Bernard breathed deeply. Every time empty expectations tried to raise their head, he tried to kill that emotion. Even knowing he had to kill all such expectations, even while knowing…
Why do people keep harboring hopes that cannot be fulfilled even while knowing it’s a sin?
Bernard instinctively knew from the grip of the hand clutching his waist that the man wouldn’t show any consideration at all. He wanted to prepare for what was coming, but there was nothing he could do. He gripped the pillow, then stupidly put weight on his left hand too and barely swallowed the scream that was about to burst out. However, the pain that followed shook his mind more vividly, making all the pain in his hand seem to evaporate.
“Ugh…!”
At the act of thrusting in without consideration, fear that his lower parts might tear climbed up his lower back. Whether his reflexive survival response of trying to crawl forward unknowingly displeased the man, the man who tightly embraced his waist bit his ear painfully.
“No, don’t… don’t…”
“Endure it.”
It was a cold answer as if ice had formed. Rubens’ face contorted as he looked down at the shabby back trembling like someone submerged in cold water, but Bernard didn’t see. He clearly didn’t even realize weight was being placed on his left hand with the cast.
Forcefully pushing only with strength into the tight interior that hadn’t been loosened, painful panting cries could be heard from below. However, Rubens only continued the mechanical act without feeling any need to soothe him. He just wanted to see him crushed and wriggling, suppressing his tears and not knowing what to do. He couldn’t even understand what he himself had gotten hard for. Just like the moment he saw that pale face and those crying eyes looking at him, it was as if his focus had gone out…
Though it was unbearable that he got hard for this stick-like idiot who kept provoking his anger, he thought it didn’t matter anyway. Since he was a target who could be taken anytime, there would be no repercussions even if he just rolled him around as much as he liked whenever he wanted. To Rubens, Bernard was like cheap junk food that could be shaken using Elliot as a weapon—exactly that much.
“Ah, ahhh…! Hng… ah, it hurts… ugh…!”
When he firmly pressed down the small head with one hand, even the crying sounds stopped leaking out. Something was flowing down his lower body, as if it had been completely torn. His mood kept being thrown into a muddy pit, but the truth seemed entirely wrapped in foggy haze.
The doll-like behavior swaying helplessly according to his waist movements provoked his unpleasant mood. The erect member was grinding the narrow interior and increasing wounds as if gaining strength even in this mechanical relationship.
Even as an indescribable dirty feeling pressed down on his entire body, reflexive pleasure was surging up from below. The fact that with blood seeping into the hot, narrow interior he could thrust in more easily was the only satisfying part.
Bernard, with his head crushed, occasionally trembled like a dying herbivore, then when penetrated, was pushed by force and banged his head against the headboard. Though Rubens could have lessened that pain, he left him alone as his breathing subsided.
“…Ha.”
The hand that had been crushing his head slowly crawled down. Bernard’s cheek was soaked wet. Feeling the moisture on his palm, Rubens stroked his hair, then wrapped his hand around his bangs. His head no longer hit the headboard.
A strange emotion. Sometimes he wanted to act a little affectionately even after causing pain. He liked seeing him hurt by his words and crying miserably, yet that appearance also bothered him. Emotions he couldn’t grasp were always consumables that had to be cut out from Rubens’ life. Living a life without failure meant a life where inevitable exceptions didn’t exist.
‘But why.’
He rested his cheek against the insignificant back and listened to the frail heartbeat. Only then could he hear the stifled crying. The desire to sneer at him as pathetic while looking at his crying face stirred his chest.
The hand that had embraced his waist slid down Bernard’s lower abdomen. The drooping member showed no sign of arousal at all. Derision rose on Rubens’ face.
‘But why did I want to put a ring on this hand?’
Feeling the urge to ejaculate, Rubens gritted his teeth. He knew it was a terrible sex. His mood was still plummeting to the lowest. Thoughts of giving him humiliation and throwing Bernard into an endless abyss boiled in his head. When he bit down on the back covered with scars large and small, he could feel his back muscles stiffen rigidly.
“Ha… Elliot.”
At the name Rubens unknowingly uttered, Bernard’s right hand tightly gripped the pillowcase. His pale hand couldn’t be seen, buried in the darkness. Rubens was looking at his earlobe that he had bitten while completely pouring his semen inside Bernard.
No matter which memory he looked back on, it was the worst sex, embarrassingly incomparable. There was no satisfaction or anything. It was just a childish act trying to inject a superior relationship.
“Elliot.”
What would have been different if the flesh buried beneath him now had been Elliot? Such a question suddenly crossed his mind. Rubens’ face hardened coldly.
Strangely, the answer didn’t come right away. So he just quietly watched the one crying with muffled sounds.
***
When Bernard opened his eyes, dawn had already passed. With the curtains drawn, the sound of the clock’s second hand was unusually loud in the dim room. He tried to hurriedly leave the bed, but the arm embracing his waist stopped his action.
Bernard’s breath caught. His head, just awakened from fainting, turned slowly. He couldn’t believe what scene he was seeing. When he slightly turned his head, the man was still asleep. Intense pain ran through his lower back. If he hadn’t bitten his tongue, he might have screamed.
Staring intently with held breath, Rubens had a slightly different impression than usual. Thanks to him sleeping with his eyes obediently closed, his long eyelashes stood out. His upturned eye corners also looked quite docile, but Bernard knew that cold eyes lurked beneath those eyelids.
Feeling a prickling pull in a corner of his chest, Bernard tried to remove his arm as carefully as possible to prepare to leave, but he didn’t budge at all. He was only at a loss for what to do. If he dawdled, morning would come right away. He wanted to disappear secretly before morning came.
Elliot might be worrying and losing sleep at home. When his thoughts reached there, another worry pressed heavily on his chest. It felt like Rubens’ voice calling Elliot’s name while resting his cheek on his hunched back echoed in his ears.
He had to leave before it was too late. Though his mind became uncomfortable at the thought that he might inevitably wake him, there was no choice to go back. While rationalizing and trying his best to escape as quietly as possible, the man who had been like a mountain suddenly turned over to his side.
Startled Bernard’s face went pale. Though surprised enough to spit out his heart, he barely held back the sound. Fear surged that he might have woken, but fortunately Rubens only let out even breathing without any particular sign. Thinking his sleeping habits were terrible, just as he was stealthily stepping on the floor to stand up, he had no choice but to collapse on the floor like a puppet with cut strings at indescribable pain.
It felt like his body would split in two. The pain that started from an unspeakable place made it painful just to stand on his legs. Heat seemed to be rising from his left hand with the cast, and his head was dizzy. In this state, he had no confidence he could return home alone.
The best he could do was bite his lips to not make groaning sounds. Just crawling and barely exiting the room with trembling legs, his whole body was soaked with cold sweat. He barely came out to the living room and awkwardly put on his pants and shirt, which was good, but the way home was daunting.
He had no confidence to return in his battered body state. He could call a taxi, but whether one would come right away at this hour was a problem, and taking a taxi in this state in front of this house was also a problem. In the worst case, gossip might spread.
He felt hopeless. Looking at the large window in the living room with the curtains drawn, he took out his phone from his pants pocket. In the meantime, several unread messages had come in.
[Elliot]: Bernard, are you running late?
[Elliot]: I’m worried, so contact me.
[Elliot]: Rubens contacted me. You should tell me if you’ll be late… I’ll tell our parents.
They were messages from Elliot. A corner of his heart felt stifled. Though it would be right to reply, he had nothing he could say right now, so he checked the next record, and Bernard’s face hardened stiffly upon confirming the message that appeared on the screen.
[Rhino]: I miss you.
