Confession
Kwon Sungha
Kang Sehyun could hardly take his eyes off me. He probably didn’t realize it himself, but his gaze looking at me was hot enough to be mistaken for anger. At a glance, it seemed like he was angry, or if not, his eyes looked bloodshot as if he was about to burst into tears.
“I think I’ve finally gone crazy.”
…Here it comes. Whatever way I hear the next words, they definitely won’t be something I can easily brush off.
It took only 1 or 2 seconds to answer. In that short moment, all kinds of thoughts came to mind. But while those thoughts passed through my brain, my mouth moved first as if it were the most natural thing.
“I don’t think so. You were always like that.”
I asked myself if this was the best response in this situation. But I couldn’t know until I heard the next words. I could only hope that hearing my words, Kang Sehyun would forget the next words he’d been thinking.
“…Right.”
Kang Sehyun spoke as if deflated. At those words, ah, I succeeded. Thank goodness. I was genuinely relieved. But that was a very brief delusion.
“Then it doesn’t matter what I do.”
Without warning, my arm was grabbed. With the pulling force, the cigarette I was holding dropped with a thud to the ground. A cool body temperature touched my hot cheek. Only then did I realize what was happening and my mind went blank.
This wasn’t simply a hug disguised as friendship. It wasn’t because he was drunk either.
Beyond surprise, it felt like my heart stopped. The other person’s heart touching mine was beating fast as if it would burst. Thump. Thump. With an empty head, I was only counting that heartbeat.
A moment later, the other person released the arm he’d been holding and pushed my shoulder away. It felt like a very long time, but Kang Sehyun had only been hugging me for about 10 seconds.
Kang Sehyun, who let go, smiled with a very calm expression. It was a refreshed expression as if he’d done something he’d been putting off for a long time.
The words that followed were “I’m crazy anyway.”
I was dazed for just a moment before coming to my senses. The half-smoked cigarette was rolling on the ground.
“…That cigarette, that was my last one.”
That was the answer I barely managed to find. I knew that wasn’t important in that situation, but I absolutely couldn’t find any other words. I was afraid of the words I’d hear next if I asked why he was doing this, so I just couldn’t do anything.
“Sorry.”
But when I actually received an apology, I felt uncomfortable.
“You don’t need to apologize, but give me a cigarette.”
Kang Sehyun immediately took out a cigarette from his pocket and handed it over. When I lit it, there was a menthol scent in my mouth. Come to think of it, there was one difference in taste. The cigarette I don’t smoke tasted awful.
“Won’t you ask why?”
“Do you want me to ask?”
When I said that, Kang Sehyun burst into laughter.
“As expected, you don’t pretend not to know, but even though you know, you don’t ask further.”
Would you ask if you were me?
For now, I decided on my own not to ask anything. I didn’t want to say nonsense because I was flustered by Kang Sehyun’s sudden action. Kang Sehyun said I knew but didn’t ask further, but the truth was I didn’t ask because I wasn’t certain.
Kang Sehyun and I smoked cigarettes in silence for a while.
I put out the finished cigarette and was about to go inside when Kang Sehyun’s cologne scent came carried on the wind. It was the scent I’d smelled up very close just moments ago. This time too, I had that thought.
Just how expensive does cologne have to be to smell this good?
***
From that day on, Kang Sehyun seemed to have truly gone crazy.
Because otherwise, he couldn’t possibly be selecting only these bizarre actions to do.
“Sungha.”
Calling my name out of the blue in an embarrassingly sweet voice.
“What.”
“Just.”
Calling someone for no reason and staring at them blankly.
He did these actions without reserve. As if we’d always been like this.
“How ridiculous.”
Every time I looked at him with an expression of disbelief, Kang Sehyun smiled with his eyes. I thought he only went crazy once in a while, but looking at it now, he was just a crazy bastard.
But the real problem was that I couldn’t refuse Kang Sehyun’s shameless behavior.
“Kihyun hyung said let’s study together in the library on Wednesday.”
“He’s starting early this time. I thought he’d start next week. Hasn’t he always crammed a week before?”
“This is his last semester. He said if he messes up finals, his graduation goes down the drain too, so he’s not cramming this time.”
“He doesn’t seem to know that doing it 2 weeks before is still cramming. Not knowing must be really hard.”
I just laughed. When having conversations like this, we really seemed like ordinary friends.
“You said your schedule adjustment is only next week?”
“Yeah.”
When there are exams, I talk to the manager in advance to adjust my schedule, but December is so busy that during finals, it’s hard to adjust for a long period like during midterms. Still, fortunately, I could take off work during the week before exams and during exam period.
“What about tomorrow? It’s a work day. Are you coming after you finish?”
For a moment I was about to answer that I would, but I closed my mouth. These days, even without using studying as an excuse, I was coming to Kang Sehyun’s house too often, so soon I’d really have to start paying rent.
“Since I’m sleeping over here today, I should sleep at home tomorrow.”
When staying over two days in a row from Sunday to Tuesday, I gave ridiculous reasons without any hesitation.
Perhaps it wasn’t a good excuse after all, as Kang Sehyun sat with his chin propped crookedly and stared at me intently. And then, as expected, he brought up the words I’d anticipated.
“Then I’ll come tomorrow.”
“…To my place?”
“Yeah.”
“Both your school and mine are downtown, isn’t that a bit strange?”
“Not at all.”
No. It is strange, dude.
It made sense for me to spend the night at Kang Sehyun’s house, which was close to school, but not for Kang Sehyun. On weekends maybe, but on weekdays, like me, he’d have to wake up an hour early and go through the hellish commute to get to school. What the hell is this about?
***
The next day, when I returned home, Kang Sehyun greeted me.
“You’re here?”
He looked like a dog guarding a house alone without its owner. A big, handsome dog.
It seemed he’d been studying using the dining table as a desk, as books and writing utensils were placed on the round table. Why is he doing this here when he has such a nice study? Whether I was thinking this or not, Kang Sehyun smiled at me.
What’s so good that he’s smiling like that?
I gave him a quick glance and immediately went into the bathroom. Even when I gave myself over to the hot water stream, the uncomfortable feeling wouldn’t go away. No matter how I thought about it, this relationship was strange somewhere to be called an ordinary friendship.
Until recently, it was simply seeing each other a bit often and meeting a lot, but now there was meaning even in the same actions. All of this started after that day.
You’d have to be an idiot not to know. Why Kang Sehyun was acting like this. If I thought carefully about the behavior he’d shown recently, there was an answer.
The point that he was overly wary of not only Sora but other people too.
The point that he extremely disliked me getting a girlfriend and was curious about my past dating history.
The point that he came over at any time or treated me well to the point of feeling excessive.
Kang Sehyun treated me as if… as if he liked me.
Should I just tell him outright to come to his senses?
Until just a few weeks ago, he was completely normal. A guy who even had a girlfriend—why did he suddenly start looking at me strangely? I had no idea what caused it. No matter how I thought about it, I could only see it as his head getting messed up from the shock of breaking up with the girlfriend he’d dated for a long time.
“Haah…”
Just how much shock does it take for a perfectly fine person to become gay overnight?
The moment I had that thought, it felt like I’d been hit in the head with a hammer. Kang Sehyun and gay. What an ill-fitting combination of words. As expected, I could only think he was just mistaken for a moment.
When I finished showering and came out, Kang Sehyun, who had been sitting and reading a book, jumped up. I hadn’t noticed before, but a place for me to study had already been prepared on the table. A fragrant coffee scent came from somewhere.
I sat in the seat with a soft cushion. Then Kang Sehyun came carrying two mugs. The source of the coffee scent must have been right here. While I was thinking that, this time he held out a plate.
“Here.”
It was a croissant. It had just been heated in the microwave and was slightly soft.
I lifted my head following the hand holding out the plate. This time too, Kang Sehyun was staring down at me.
“There’s more, so eat and tell me. Coffee too.”
I carefully took a sip of the hot coffee with steam rising from it. I thought it was a somewhat familiar scent, and the taste was exactly the same as the coffee I drank at Kang Sehyun’s house.
“The coffee, you didn’t buy it?”
“I brewed it.”
“…With what?”
“What else.”
When I looked into the kitchen just to check, there was a coffee machine I hadn’t seen before. It was showing off its presence alone on top of the empty kitchen shelf.
“I brought coffee beans too. You like them.”
Is he doing this on purpose?
Since last time, he keeps trying to lure me in like this, and if that’s the case, it seemed to be successful.
…Damn. I got flustered again this time too.
