Kang Sehyun
I’m strange.
I must not be in my right mind.
“Kang Sehyun.”
Otherwise, there’s no way I’d feel like this just from having my name called once. The feeling of one side of my heart dropping with a thud, and my pulse suddenly rising.
“Look at this. I think even something this small would be fine, what do you think? I can just put it on a shelf.”
Kwon Sungha stood next to a tree that was only 40 centimeters tall, small enough to be lifted with one hand, and called me. It was the smallest tree among many.
“It’s too small. If we’re buying one anyway, let’s get a bigger one.”
“The point is just to buy one, I don’t think it necessarily needs to be big.”
“Still, it’s too small. Let’s at least get one we can put on the floor.”
“Then what about this one? This should be enough, right?”
Today we drove a whole 40 minutes to go shopping. After stopping and stopping Sungha from shopping on Black Friday, we compromised on coming to an outlet in the suburbs.
I didn’t even know if he’d be in America or Korea for Christmas anyway, so why did he suddenly want to buy a tree? Looking at times like this, he did seem to like romantic things.
His small face moved busily this way and that. He seemed to be agonizing for a while over whether white or green was better, then looked at me with a troubled expression.
“Sehyun, you pick.”
My heart ran wild again on its own.
This had been happening since a while ago.
‘I hope the next person I meet is someone like you.’
The day my ex-girlfriend suddenly came to visit, after I dropped her off at the hotel and came back to drink, Sungha said that.
‘…Is that an insult?’
‘No? Why would that be an insult?’
‘Then what do you mean?’
I thought he meant I should meet someone as cold and blunt as me, since he’d seen how cold I’d been to her. But he said something completely different.
‘I mean you should meet someone affectionate and kind.’
‘I’m affectionate and kind?’
‘Yeah. The most of anyone I’ve seen. Well, limited to as a boyfriend, of course.’
At first I thought it was a joke. Or maybe he was being sarcastic, but that wasn’t it either.
‘If you miss them, you go to see them every week without showing any signs of annoyance, and when you’re apart, forget about cheating—you don’t even go to places where that could happen. Where else is there someone as faithful as you? No matter who it was, they couldn’t have tried as hard as you. From what I saw, you did enough. If it were me, I would’ve been grateful rather than resentful. Though before that, I wouldn’t have broken up with someone as good as you in the first place.’
I heard all the words I thought I’d never hear in my life.
Being called affectionate and kind. If it had been someone else, I would’ve felt bad thinking it was just lip service, but if the person who said it was Kwon Sungha, it was different. Even if it was just momentary comfort, it was okay.
I’m not an affectionate person, but I tried to be one. Even if I didn’t start by falling in love like other people, I’d never once looked at anyone else besides that person.
Did I want to hear that I’d tried my best?
Only then did I realize that I hadn’t wanted that breakup, which hadn’t been easy for me either, to end that way.
And I realized. That the person in front of me was more affectionate and kind than anyone.
I hope the next person you meet is someone like you.
That’s when it started. Even trivial texts felt more welcome, and my heart would flutter for no reason when facing a face I saw every day. Something was different from before. Once I became conscious of it, I became aware of my words, actions, and even thoughts.
What would Sungha say at a time like this? Where is Sungha right now? If it were Sungha, he’d probably think like this. As I had these thoughts, my head was filled entirely with Kwon Sungha.
“Whatever.”
“Haven’t you been looking way too carelessly since earlier?”
“What’s the point of me looking carefully? You’re going to put it in your place anyway, so you pick.”
When I said that, he laughed as if it was absurd.
“You’ll be seeing it half the week too, won’t you?”
Even the way he let out a crooked laugh was strangely attractive. From the first time I saw him, I felt it—Kwon Sungha’s face was one that made you want to keep looking at it.
Am I really under a spell?
What the hell is this?
I wondered if maybe I was just lonely, but I couldn’t come to a conclusion about why it had to be Kwon Sungha and not someone else.
This sudden emotion still wasn’t sorted out, and I still couldn’t define it.
* * *
Finals were two weeks away.
Starting next week, the noisy group chat would quiet down, and the days of pulling all-nighters studying instead of drinking were approaching.
So this time too, before exam studying, we decided to watch a game at my place on Kihyun hyung’s suggestion to have some proper fun. What Kihyun hyung was into these days was American football.
“Hey! I explained it to you last time.”
“That was last time. You expect me to remember that until now?”
“Ah, fuck, this is driving me crazy.”
“Why are you going crazy? Just tell him again. What can he do when it’s confusing even after hearing it several times?”
The hyungs sat scattered on the sofa, chattering noisily. Eight minutes had already passed since the game started, but the only person focused on the game was Kwon Sungha.
While everyone was watching the game, I sat at the square table placed in one corner of the living room to use my laptop for a bit. This large table, which had been popular when Kihyun hyung was into poker, had been used briefly again when he got into another card game some time ago, but no one had sat at it for the past few months.
I turned on the laptop and opened my email. It was to check the final revision for the presentation on Monday morning. But right below that, there was a business plan sent by my younger noona. In the body of the email was a brief greeting and a one-line message.
「Not much time left. Be careful.」
At first glance, it looked almost like a threat.
“Ha.”
I already knew well that there were only two years left until graduation. It meant to be careful not to get into any trouble and to behave myself until then.
Because of my grandfather, who placed great importance on the company’s image, the only information released to the media so far had been up to the presidents of major affiliates. Other than that, personal information of people related to the family was strictly kept private, not allowing anything but names to be exposed.
That’s why everyone worried about me the most. If I caused any trouble, they could somehow prevent it from becoming news in Korea, but if it broke overseas it would be hard to stop, so they told me to stay as quiet as possible and come back. That was why I couldn’t tell even the hyungs I’d known for a long time about my family.
Why does she keep sending this every time? The business plan that flew in like homework every quarter felt like a threat that I too would soon become part of it. It was actually sent to remind me that I needed to hurry and graduate, return, and take on a role.
Should I not have opened this now?
My mood was even worse because I happened to see this at a time when everyone was having fun.
“What are you looking at to be frowning like that? Aren’t you coming?”
I was startled by the sudden voice. A pale face was looking down at me with a puzzled expression.
“Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“You do that sometimes.”
“What?”
“Lie in an obvious way.”
“If you know, can’t you pretend not to?”
“That’s why I don’t ask more even though I know.”
Right. That’s why it’s good.
If I had to describe Kwon Sungha in one word, Kwon Sungha is perfect.
Not that he’s perfect as a person, but he’s the perfect person for me. That was the conclusion I’d reached after continuously thinking about it for the past few weeks. As if the input values had been set just right to look good to me, all his words and actions were to my taste.
Someone I get along with in everything and can have a drink with. An affectionate and kind person. Kwon Sungha was exactly my ideal type that I said I wouldn’t meet even if I were reborn.
Ah, so of course I’d be under a spell. It’s natural to be attracted.
After thinking that, honestly, I thought I’d be okay. When I didn’t know the reason, I thought I was strange, but after knowing the reason, I thought I was normal. Because it’s natural for anyone to have a favorable impression of someone who’s a perfect match by their side.
But after recognizing that, the situation became more serious. Because once I thought it was natural for me to like this person, the most important fact became nothing at all.
Kwon Sungha is not the opposite sex. But I like Kwon Sungha. Therefore, I like someone who is not the opposite sex. Is this really normal?
“Anyway, come quickly. I poured your drink.”
Naturally, I couldn’t focus on the game. These days, no matter who I met, my head was complicated because of these thoughts. Every time I was close to Kwon Sungha, it felt like I heard a warning sound.
Everyone drank quite a lot. Past 3 AM, after everyone fell asleep, the only people left were Kwon Sungha and me.
I put down my glass and went out to smoke. A biting wind swept between the high-rise buildings.
“It’s cold.”
With each long breath I exhaled, white breath rose. Kwon Sungha, slightly drunk, had both cheeks flushed red enough to be visible even in the darkness.
“Every time I come here, I remember the day I first met you. You suddenly followed me out, so I was flustered. We didn’t know each other well, so I worried about what we should talk about just the two of us.”
“You didn’t look like it.”
“Really? That’s a relief then. Actually, I was only flustered for a moment, and once I was face to face with you, I didn’t even think about that.”
“Then what were you thinking?”
“Ah. That you’re really handsome enough to make even a guy’s heart flutter.”
As his thin lips curved into an arc, his drooping eye corners curved prettily. My thoughts suddenly stopped.
“Kwon Sungha.”
When I called his name, his pitch-black eyes followed me. What was it about that that made my chest stir?
I forcibly held back the impulse, trying not to do anything. Then my chest felt stuffy. Beyond stuffy, my stomach churned. It felt like if I didn’t touch him even with my fingertips right now, my head would explode.
Ha, damn it.
“I think I’ve finally become a crazy bastard.”
Hearing those words, Kwon Sungha didn’t move at all. No, rather, he spoke even more calmly.
“I don’t think so. You’ve always been like that.”
