And so came the first week of May. I eventually accepted the guest schedule for Bae Dojin’s “On a Night When the Moon Shines.”
It was true that Min Seungwoo had asked me, but even without that, it was a schedule I was looking forward to. Being able to participate directly in a program I’d always listened to by ear at the right time and let my voice be heard—that fact felt so dreamlike.
Moreover, the appearance fee was more generous than I thought. The company explained it was about three times the usual rate.
At this unexpected income, the first person who came to mind was naturally CEO Seon Jeonghyeon of Revalue. It was because I had memories of being indebted to him in various ways. He’d even heard about this radio appearance offer, was delighted, and promised to send me a personal manager.
So as I’d said before, I said I’d give up all the appearance fee to the company…
— Oh my. Our company makes good money without doing this? I’m good at business, you know.
I couldn’t help but smile at Seon Jeonghyeon’s joke. His business sense was certainly well-known. Of course, the current him didn’t know how tremendous the value of the movie he’d chosen, <The Marsh Where the Moon Sets>, was.
— And what if I’m not good at something? Heh, Seo Nakil. Revalue’s cornucopia.
I ended up bursting into laughter out loud.
“That seems like too harsh a comparison for Bae-u-nim though.”
— But it’s true, isn’t it?
“I suppose so, it is true.”
It was an absurd joke, but if it’s Seo Nakil, calling him a cornucopia was right. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to describe him as a jackpot that bursts every time you touch it.
On the way to get two coffees packaged. When I raised my head, an outdoor billboard was flashing on a long building. It was an ad for Seo Nakil’s perfume that came out as a seasonal limited edition this time.
It was a sculpture with no carelessly cut surfaces, not a single crooked line drawn. Sharply falling cheekbones and thick eyebrows, and beneath them a pair of black eyes that sparkled secretly.
A man with a face that was silent and calm yet made you focus every moment without a dull gap.
I stood there for a moment and looked at that appearance as if appreciating a work of art.
They said it was currently the most famous face in South Korea, and indeed it seemed so. Because it was a sight that couldn’t be beautiful only to my eyes.
— Still, thank you for saying that. I’ll repay you with the best support.
“You’re already doing more than enough. Thank you always.”
— Not at all. You’re doing a live today, right? I hope Han Ijae’s voice becomes more widely known to the world.
“Ahaha…”
Even though it was clearly meant well, I couldn’t laugh comfortably.
I liked singing. I wanted to be loved more. I liked these peaceful days of not being pointed at for things I hadn’t done.
And yet at the same time I was anxious. It felt like the longer these comfortable moments lasted, the more severe the days after would be.
I wanted to be forgotten. But I wanted to be remembered.
I wished there was no tomorrow. But in truth, I also wanted to dream of a tomorrow different from what was given to me.
I didn’t want to hurt. That just meant I wanted to be ordinarily happy.
I staggered forward along the boundary line of ambivalent feelings that didn’t mix like water and oil.
“I thought maybe, just maybe, when you said to meet on the main road instead of in front of the dorm.”
I got in the passenger seat and handed over the drink I’d put in the carrier with a grin.
“Chocolate chip cream smoothie with caramel syrup twice instead of mocha syrup, lots of whipped cream, less ice, oat milk for the milk. Right?”
“Thank you. Our singer is still a master, huh? Han Ijae is probably the only idol in all eight provinces who memorizes this.”
Director Jeong, the manager who moved to Revalue and came to be in charge of my personal schedule, smiled broadly and sucked on the drink he received. With a refreshing sound, the drink quickly went down in one gulp.
“An idol who goes and buys it himself because there’s no drive-through at stores near the dorm, wow. I’m telling you, my luck with the idol I’m in charge of is really outstanding. Right? Isn’t that amazing?”
I smiled small and sipped my cappuccino.
“A drink is just a drink. If you pay a little attention, it’s not that difficult…”
“It’s not just a drink! If you have eyes, look around!”
Director Jeong made a motion of embracing the steering wheel with affectionate hands as if stroking a child’s head.
“Just for the reason of being in charge of you, I transferred from that shitty little… ahem, anyway. Not only did I move to a solid new agency, I escaped from a used van that reeks of cigarettes, you know? Can’t you see this beautiful figure that can only be felt in a freshly bought car?”
“It’s a new car?”
It was certainly clean without a speck of dust. It was an SUV rather than a van, which was actually better.
“Yeah. It’s even a WMV. I never thought the day would come when I’d drive a car like this. I should write it in my diary.”
Imagining that large frame sitting at a desk writing a diary with delicate hands somehow made me laugh.
While he hummed and drove, I looked around the interior a bit more carefully. Perhaps because it was a different brand vehicle, it felt a bit different from the car Seo Nakil drove. The car he drove had an interior decorated like wood, giving an elegant yet cozy feeling, but this car was coated pitch black, giving a strong sleek and urban impression.
‘It is nice that it’s spacious.’
I touched this and that out of curiosity, then feeling embarrassed for touching a car that had barely been started, I quietly withdrew my hand.
“Why stop touching it?”
“It’s too precious…”
“Precious my ass, whose credit is this car thanks to? If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have even seen this car, so what’s the big deal about getting your fingerprints on it? Touch it all you want.”
While speaking cheerfully, his body was diligently driving the car. Even though he was going at quite a speed, the car had no shaking. That was just like him, having mastered driving.
“I’m glad you seem to be more comfortable. It’s also easier to look after you when you’re in the passenger seat. Ah, but you can sit in the back when you’re tired or want to lie down, okay?”
“I will.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever it is, let’s work comfortably. We suffered some emotional hardship at Cosmos.”
I listened quietly to his words and asked.
“But, Director Jeong.”
“Yeah.”
“This car. You said you got it because of me?”
“Of course. It’s a car that came out to manage you, so it’s thanks to you, right? You’d be traveling alone and I thought a van would be burdensome, so they picked this one out perfectly.”
“…CEO Seon did?”
“CEO Seon opened the wallet, and the advice came from Seo Nakil Bae-u-nim.”
I blinked blankly. I hadn’t expected Seo Nakil’s name to come up here.
“Bae-u-nim seems to care about you a lot.”
At those words, I asked carefully.
“Director. Since when have you known Seo Nakil Bae-u-nim?”
“Hmm. Should I express that as ‘knowing’ each other?”
He scratched his head with his large hand.
“The first time I met Bae-u-nim in person was when that chaos happened at Cosmos. Before that, we just contacted each other a bit. Though it was closer to a transaction than contact?”
“When was that?”
“Let’s see… when was that? It was around the end of your first album promotions. When you were just going around doing regional activities.”
Director Jeong glanced at me and continued.
“Even before I said anything, he knew about the unfair clauses in your contract. He also knew the penalty fee was 500 million, and that the CEO was a thug. He even knew that I was stuck here struggling to pay off debts, you know? So I thought you’d told him.”
“No.”
I slightly raised my nails and scraped at the cup holder.
“I never said anything. Not once.”
“That’s strange. You never asked for help but he goes that far for you?”
“…That far.”
It seemed like a different context from simply knowing well about unfair contracts and trying to help. At the sudden tension, it felt like the inside of my throat was tightening up.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, you know. He pinpointed me and said he had to transfer me to Revalue, solved my debt, and cleanly arranged not only your contract, Ijae, but mine too.”
“…”
“On top of that, it was a complicated time moving houses, and in that process he even arranged a place to stay. At first he said it was a simple ‘temporary place,’ but what do you know, a grand hotel in the middle of Seoul that I’d never been to even with my own money…”
“Ritten Hotel?”
“Yeah, that’s right! It was there! Ritten Hotel. Anyway, it all rolled along smoothly as if everything had been prepared in advance.”
Listening to Director Jeong’s words, what Seo Nakil had said to me once naturally came to mind.
‘Since when have you been preparing?’
‘A bit earlier than you imagine.’
If I asked whether the reason for these actions was also love, he would nod saying yes.
But I now know that answer isn’t a sufficient correct answer.
An emotion too vast, too intense, and somehow too meticulous to call love.
What on earth should I call that heart?
For now, I couldn’t know the answer.
