“Hello.”
When I entered the studio, I saw a familiar face.
“Hello, senior.”
“Senior? Why are you being like this between us?”
Lee Yuwon grinned and took the decaf coffee from my hand. It was an attitude that assumed there would naturally be one for him.
It was as he expected. I’d anticipated Lee Yuwon would be here, so I’d prepared plenty of coffee. The reason I’d specifically prepared decaf coffee was also for Lee Yuwon, who couldn’t sleep at night if he had caffeine.
“What do you mean by ‘like this’?”
“No affection, that’s what.”
“Aha.”
Bae Dojin, who’d received an iced coffee next to us, nodded his head in greeting.
“Be comfortable. I know about your relationship. Yuwon nags at you a lot too, right?”
“Won hyung is always like that.”
“Ahahaha. Calling him Won makes it seem really friendly somehow. Like a neighborhood hyung.”
“…When I get off stage, I’m just a neighborhood hyung and a little kid’s guardian anyway.”
Bae Dojin extended his hand to me.
“I’m Bae Dojin of Days. Please take care of me today.”
“I’m Han Ijae of Starium. I’ll work hard.”
It wasn’t my first radio schedule, but it was my first time doing it alone, so I was somehow nervous.
As I took a deep breath secretly, my eyes met Director Jeong’s, who was standing by the door. He slightly shook his raised fist and moved his mouth.
Fighting.
I burst into laughter at the cute gesture that didn’t match his large frame.
Flash. The ‘ON AIR’ button lit up, and Bae Dojin’s voice flowed through the headphones. Having finished greetings with a smooth progression as natural as flowing water, he introduced me.
“Shall I introduce today’s special guest? The voice of ‘Starium.’ We have Han Ijae here.”
“Hello, I’m Han Ijae of Starium.”
The conversation continued smoothly. I nodded while inwardly chewing over the questions I’d received at the previous meeting. It was a signal that I was ready.
“Now, shall we bring up today’s topic? Since we have Ijae here, I think we can’t help but talk about Ijae’s group and the process of how that group was formed. Having come this far through the long journey of ‘For Stadium,’ we’ll talk about a word that runs through that journey. ‘Competition.'”
Competition. At the awkward trace that word left, I smiled awkwardly.
“There’s a saying, ‘competitive society.’ As we have to live fiercely, competition seems essential to our lives. Many people must live getting tired and hurt in that process.”
“That’s true. Because there’s also that saying. Everyone is fighting a different battle. So today, we’ll receive various stories and questions on the theme of competition.”
While listening to one song, numerous messages arrived.
“This is a question from 9384. ‘What are some ways to overcome the pressure of competition? I’m desperate.’ What do you think, Ijae? You must have experienced many difficult moments in ‘For Stadium,’ so did you have your own know-how for enduring those moments?”
I answered with an awkward laugh.
“I don’t have any know-how. I’m not such a great person. I just struggled through it desperately.”
The misunderstanding that I stole Min Seungwoo’s part. Park Yul’s actions that got on my nerves from time to time. The ostracism of other trainees. The pouring harsh evaluations. The murderous schedule. The anxiety that there would be no next time and even the pressure from the agency.
I embraced things like time bombs and precariously took one step at a time. Not knowing what to do, I was anxious, and every time I staggered, I was startled with fear. Every night before sleeping, I was always in agony trying to swallow down the overwhelming despair that rose up.
So, I thought I, who had no knack for it, would have nothing to say in answer to this question.
“But I heard this recently. The place we’re standing is just one point in life. We don’t live here forever.”
The moment Ahn Haesol, who’d come to visit me in the hospital, told me that, I was comforted from an old anxiety.
“If you remember yourself who will remain longer than that pressure, and a stronger heart, couldn’t you endure this moment a little less painfully?”
“A heart stronger than the pressure.”
Bae Dojin pondered my words and asked.
“What is that emotion for you, Ijae? If there’s a heart that holds you so you don’t run away but endure, and thus can accomplish something, how would you want to express it?”
When I wanted to run away from ‘For Stadium,’ and every time I wanted to quit group activities, what was the reason that held me back from doing so?
The answer came easily.
“The feeling of liking something.”
“Love.”
“Yes, love.”
Strictly speaking, that was it. It would have been love.
“I liked standing on stage. I was proud of working hard. I was happy when I sang. I enjoyed being with people who burned everything with the same heart.”
So when I lost that, I thought I could no longer live. All the lines that held me were cut away, and I thought I couldn’t find any meaning.
“If you don’t forget that love, the direction it’s heading, wouldn’t it be okay no matter how far and rough the road is?”
“It’s an important signpost. Because it helps you not lose your way.”
Bae Dojin, who said that, looked at me and smiled slightly.
“But I think what’s as important as that is where that heart started.”
That sounded more like he was speaking to me rather than simply stating an opinion. I looked back at him while holding my headphones.
“Where love is going, as important as the destination, isn’t it actually the place where love bloomed, that starting point?”
“…”
“I hope the words that if you don’t lose yourself, you can eventually head down any path can be comfort and encouragement to you listeners who are struggling.”
After listening to a requested song like that, Part 3 arrived after the commercial break.
The emotion that makes you overcome competition. The emotion that makes you willingly overcome competition.
The theme of Part 3 was ‘love.’
“It’s time to listen to recommended songs that come to mind when you think of love. I’m curious what love means to you, Ijae. Are there songs you could recommend, like ‘this kind of song is good for expressing this kind of love’?”
The first song I chose was the jazz song I’d listened to with Seo Nakil in the listening room. I requested the exact same version.
While listening to the elegantly flowing voice, I thought of Seo Nakil. His well-shaped fingers that tapped along to the rhythm while sitting on the sofa, his black eyelashes that drooped gently. That faint and pleasing curve that continued from the peak of his lips to the end of his mouth, his deep and rich-colored eyes created by painting the sunset hundreds and thousands of times.
What naturally comes to mind when listening to such common love songs that you can see anywhere you raise your head in the city center.
The face of you, who I feel somewhere wistful and even longing for.
“You’ve chosen a very universal form of love.”
“I wanted to talk about the romance that everyone has. Isn’t it fascinating?”
I was a bit nervous at first, but before I knew it, as I talked, the words flowed smoothly. I bowed my head slightly toward the microphone.
“Love is a feeling anyone can have, yet love ultimately makes that person a special person different from anyone else—isn’t that fascinating?”
“That’s right. I think it’s an even more fascinating emotion in that it holds two things at once that seem like they would never mix. What do you think love is, Ijae?”
“Um.”
After a bit of thought, I answered.
“I think it’s the strength that lets you endure the cold. It’s also like a light that lets you look forward to tomorrow a bit more. Also…”
At that moment, I thought of Seo Nakil again. Precisely, I thought of what he’d said to me. That even if I wasn’t okay for a day, a month, and then a few years, he wouldn’t think badly of me.
Those words like a lifeline that seemed to hold me so I wouldn’t roll down any slope were shining in clusters.
“I also think it’s the tolerance that forgives today, which didn’t go as I wanted.”
“The love you think of is very tender, Ijae.”
Bae Dojin said in an admiring tone.
“I’m curious what song Ijae, who dreams of such tender love, will sing. Will you introduce the song you’ve prepared?”
“Yes.”
I clenched and unclenched my fist to relieve tension and answered.
“The song I’ll sing for you is…”
