I had no words to refute Min Seungwoo’s question.
It was as he said. I was scared. I was afraid of becoming special to someone else, and I was equally afraid of someone else becoming special to me.
In a life where I’d only lost things one by one, being special ultimately meant being exceptionally painful.
“…I’m sorry.”
“Sorry to me? How sorry are you?”
I didn’t know what to answer. Because feelings weren’t visible to the eye and couldn’t be grasped by hand, there was no way to gauge them precisely.
While I hesitated, searching for an accurate answer, Min Seungwoo spoke.
“Are you sorry enough to pretend to lose and grant me one favor?”
I was about to nod without hesitation at those words.
Bzzzz. The conversation between us stopped abruptly at the vibration sound coming from my pocket. In the silence, the vibration continued at regular intervals. It meant a call was coming in.
Under Min Seungwoo’s gaze, I carefully took out my phone. On the screen, Seo Nakil’s three-character name was neatly displayed.
“You’re lucky.”
It seemed the favor he was going to ask was to contact Seo Nakil. I followed Min Seungwoo with my eyes as he stood up, still holding my phone.
“Talk on the phone. I’ll step out for a bit.”
I couldn’t keep Seo Nakil waiting. I quickly answered the call.
“Hello.”
As expected, Seo Nakil understood far too well the soft secret I wanted to hide.
— What’s wrong with your voice?
“…”
— Did something happen?
How many times had he asked that now? I mumbled absently as that idle thought crossed my mind.
“Nothing happened.”
— …
“…Nothing happened at all.”
After a slight silence, Seo Nakil asked.
— Would it make you feel better if I pretended to believe that?
At the tenderness in that question, the emotions I thought I’d digested well surged tactlessly.
I met someone I dislike. Actually, saying I dislike them isn’t enough. I’m scared and horrified of that person. Because they’re someone who tormented me and then threw my person off a cliff.
I came back from death, and this time I wanted to be different… but in the end, the first button was the same. I met that person like an accident, and in that person’s eyes was the same desire that ruined me.
Then will it happen the same way this time too? Will everything I cultivated with all my strength be trampled and crushed under the feet of a scoundrel who couldn’t have me?
Will that destruction only end when winter comes and I give up everything?
“Seo Nakil.”
— Yes.
“Seo Nakil…”
— I’m listening.
“…Seo Nakil.”
— Ijae.
A soft voice seeped into my ear.
— Should I come pick you up now?
At those words, I quickly shook my head. I snapped to attention at this sweetness that seemed like it would melt away the moment it touched the tip of my tongue.
“I’m okay.”
Of course, Seo Nakil didn’t believe me. Not one bit.
“…I’ll be okay.”
— You know better than anyone that hearts don’t work as they please just because they try. So why are you being stubborn?
“Just…”
— Do you remember what we talked about during the day?
Perhaps because the presence of what happened at the company dinner was so enormous, even though it was only half a day ago, it felt distant as if several days had passed.
Only after fumbling through my memories for a long while could I grasp the tail end of the story he mentioned.
“You said you’d tell me a secret.”
— Are you confident you’ll remember?
“Yes. I didn’t drink much.”
— I should hope that’s true.
He spoke in a voice tinged with laughter.
— My feelings are old. A bit more than you think.
“…”
— So even if you’re not okay for a day, a month, and then a few years, it would be hard for me to think badly of you. Because my feelings are much older than that.
Those words sounded like he was saying he’d still like me even if I lived a life like the past two years. They also sounded like he was saying he’d remain by my side no matter what happened.
Why was that? Everything had rewound and become undone, so why did you hand me that heavy heart as if you were so much further ahead?
— Are you really sure you don’t need to meet?
“I’m a mess right now.”
I said as if making an excuse.
“How about tomorrow?”
— Let’s meet at a cafe near the company building. I’ll go to match when your schedule ends.
“What should I do when you always accommodate me?”
— Give me a lot of your time to make up for feeling sorry.
His tone was light, as if telling me not to apologize.
— And it would be even better if you give me lots of secrets too.
“I’ll try.”
I can’t honestly confess about General Manager Cheon. Because he hasn’t done anything disadvantageous to me yet.
But it seemed like I could lightly bring it up. After all, he gave me his business card and brought up talk hinting at sponsorship. I felt like I could express it indirectly, like saying I had a bad feeling.
“Bae-u-nim. You said before that you’d let me use you.”
— I also said I could give you much more than you think.
“Is that still true?”
— Forever.
It was strange. What were those words that softened my heart that had been sharpened with anxiety?
My heart no longer beat unpleasantly fast. The pain in my solar plexus that had throbbed with indigestion subsided, and my finely trembling hands also became calm.
— So make sure you remember. What I said today.
Seo Nakil pleaded in a low voice, asking me not to forget his secret.
— So see you tomorrow.
When I finished the call and went out to the living room, Min Seungwoo was heating water in a pot. Around the time I could hear bubbling sounds from the kettle, I picked out a tea bag and handed it to him.
The water he boiled filled the mug, and the chamomile tea bag I’d chosen went into it. I rubbed my hands, damp with cold sweat, against the mug as if wiping them dry.
“Thank you for today.”
“…”
“I mean I’m grateful enough to pretend not to notice and grant you one favor, hyung.”
“Good.”
Min Seungwoo lowered himself across from me.
“Go on Senior Bae Dojin’s radio program. When we have the meeting again after the weekend, you can join in too.”
“…”
“Don’t give up, Han Ijae.”
It was a contradictory statement. He’d told me to quit earlier. He’d said there was no activity greater than life, so don’t act like I was about to die.
“People will call you Han Ijae of Starium.”
“I suppose so. Since Starium is my affiliation.”
“No. That’s not your affiliation but your current position.”
“…”
“Even if you leave the group, you remain. It means that just because you’re not Starium doesn’t make you a nobody.”
“I…”
“Even if you don’t know what comes next, just do it. Pretend to lose, put down a dot, and draw a line even if it’s messy. Think of it as the first dot you’ll place and go on this radio show.”
Take your share too. Min Seungwoo whispered.
“You don’t know why you should, right? You’ll think it’s enough to just quit and disappear. So my words will sound like boring nagging, and furthermore, I know they might sound like words tormenting you under the guise of opportunity.”
“…”
“I know, but I’m saying it anyway. So you just listen. Someone has to say this.”
“Seungwoo hyung.”
“There are things you regret doing, and things you regret not doing. Then just do it and regret it. If it’s an opportunity a future you was waiting for, then doing it is better than not doing it.”
At his resolute voice, I didn’t know what to do, unable to even drink the tea in my hand.
“Show them that ‘Han Ijae’ survives longer than ‘Starium.'”
“…I’ll try.”
I know it’s an ambiguous answer. But that was my best.
Min Seungwoo seemed to acknowledge my effort. His usually cold eye corners relaxed a bit, and warmth touched his blunt face.
“Don’t get sick, Han Ijae. If you get sick, it’s your loss.”
“That too… I’ll try.”
“Finish drinking that before you go in.”
“…”
“Are you going to try that too?”
Instead of answering, I brought the cup to my lips. The tea that had been boiling hot was warm enough to drink comfortably. I thought it was fortunate there was at least one favor I could grant without much effort.
Would warming my insides like this make even the cold snap of spring bearable?
I hoped so.
The wish I’d barely held onto had a very faint golden hue.
