After returning home, he immediately started drinking alone. He settled at the island table and cracked open a bottle of soju. Without a doubt, it had been years since he drank alone at home. It could be said it was the first time since the time he lived almost like an alcoholic. Taking that time as a lesson, he had deliberately refrained since then. He had been wary of drinking with the purpose of getting drunk. But right now, it didn’t seem to matter. He wanted to escape his sober mind. It would be good if he got completely drunk and fell into a deep sleep.
“……”
Thanks to pouring down straight alcohol, he quickly became intoxicated. Eunha’s drinking capacity wasn’t on the strong side. It didn’t take very long for his consciousness to become disheveled. His body drooped as if gravity had been multiplied by about three times. Staggering, he barely managed to lean his elbows on the table. Eunha, who had become hazy, blinked slowly and thought of Yeonjun. He had come to mind. He had drunk alcohol to avoid thinking about that kid, but it was irritating that he came to mind again.
He shook his head violently once, but it wasn’t of much use. These days, Eunha’s insides were entirely filled with complex thoughts of Yeonjun. He had no choice but to pass the glass more actively. Fortunately, there was still more room to get drunk. Eventually, completely wasted, Eunha felt good enough to pierce through the clouds without knowing why, then repeatedly became gloomy as if his heart was completely crushed. Buried in the turbulent emotions, he soothed his churning insides then rummaged through his pockets to find his phone. He recklessly called somewhere.
– ……Lee Eunha? What’s the occasion?
At this hour? The other person asks. He could hear well, but the content didn’t register properly. Only that it was a man’s voice was clearly etched. Then suddenly, his spine felt so hollow it gave him chills. His shoulders felt cold as if he had been left alone in the world. He felt hungry. So Eunha continued the call thoughtlessly with someone he didn’t even know who it was. He wanted to keep hearing that voice.
What made you call, I missed you, where are you now… From the words that showed excited signs, he could vaguely judge. It seemed to be one of the people he had casually hooked up with at some point.
As expected, the other person, who seemed to be asking ordinary greetings, soon began to bring up blatant dirty talk. Eunha giggled and snorted, then covered his forehead with his palm. Barely supporting his body that was tilting on its own, he listened attentively to the voice of the other person who kept urging to meet. Suddenly, he responded as if it were routine.
“Should we?”
An empty laugh burst out. The other person answered in an elevated tone.
– ……Serious? I’m good with that.
“Yeah. Then should we meet?”
At the slurred and twisted speech, the other person immediately responded that they should. Another empty laugh came out at the impatience that was clearly transmitted. He seemed to like that impatience. That feeling of someone wanting him.
He felt even better thinking about entangling their bodies just like that. He wanted to do it. He wanted to entwine their limbs, he wanted to share body heat. What suddenly surged was some emotion that shook his entire body. The reason Eunha constantly sought physical relationships. Something close to the true feelings he usually forcibly buried and lived with.
A very intense feeling of loneliness.
Right. He was lonely and empty. He was crazily hungry and coldness circulated through his limbs. Eunha after the breakup had consistently suffered from such deficiency. It was something close to inertia or desperation trying to return to his original way of life. They say the easiest way to destroy a person is to become that person’s everything and then disappear. Eunha had experienced exactly that, and so he clung to people again. With emotions eliminated because he never wanted to make someone his everything again.
He had been getting along well enough like that.
Recently, he couldn’t do that at all. Because of that kid. Eunha, who thought of Yeonjun again with his faint consciousness, bit his lower lip. Then he began some strange rationalization. Right… That’s why it was like this. Because he hadn’t had relations for too long. Because he couldn’t even do that, he had fallen into a bizarre delusion. That he had just momentarily gone to his limit from loneliness. That was all.
Absolutely, there’s no way I could like someone.
“……”
In the meantime, the man beyond the receiver kindly instructed what time and where to come out. Eunha silently concentrated on the other person’s voice, then pronounced with his twisted tongue that he would do so before putting down the phone as if dropping it.
A time approaching midnight. He left the house impulsively like that. He fumblingly slipped on slippers over his bare feet and came out to the corridor. Immediately, the humid air of the summer night rushed in. Feeling his breath being slightly suffocatingly blocked, he moved his steps. Then his vision spun so he had to squeeze his eyes shut and open them. In the elevator, he pressed the floor button while turning over his throbbing head for a while.
Getting off the stopped elevator, walking a few more steps, and then pressing the doorbell.
There was no response. Eunha waited for a while, managing his swaying head this way and that, then his little remaining patience wore out and he pressed the doorbell again. This time, not stopping at once but several times in succession. Naturally, there was no awareness of the problem at all.
Finally, the door burst open. On the face of the man who revealed himself through the gap, puzzlement at not understanding the situation and unprocessed irritation were mixed. That expression for a moment faded like a lie the instant their eyes met. After stiffening with a start, it soon relaxed slightly as if softening. Before long, only generous goodwill remained in the other person’s eyes. That was both unsatisfactory and, at the same time, pleasing.
“Hyung……?”
While Eunha drowsily looked up ahead, Yeonjun examined Eunha with a cautious gaze. It was because the person who had suddenly appeared didn’t look fine at first glance. Short-sleeved t-shirt and shorts that came to the knees. Bare feet in slippers. Bloodshot whites of the eyes for some reason. A body tilting, unable to keep its balance.
“Did you drink?”
At the calm voice, Eunha hardened his eyes. He felt an indescribable warm emotion surge up for a moment. Because the brief voice was excessively affectionate.
As if entranced, he took a step. Because that step got tangled, he staggered as if falling, and Yeonjun immediately quickly supported Eunha. The hand that came in under his armpit lifted his body. At that firm touch, his heart area squirmed.
Eunha, who raised his blurred eyes, gazed hazily at Yeonjun for a moment, then naturally stretched out his arms as if by habit. He hooked his wrists around his neck, put strength into them, and lifted his chin. He kissed the man who was awkwardly pulled in without being prepared. Feeling a slight thirst at the lips that wouldn’t open, he fumbled over them.
Yeonjun stood still for a moment while receiving the one-sided kiss. As if enduring the soft sensation nibbling on top of his lips, or after being stiffly frozen for a moment, he soon reached out. He grasped Eunha’s shoulders and pulled him away. Controlling a drunk person was a very easy task. Eunha, who had dropped down listlessly with his arms sliding down, reflexively glared at Yeonjun. Yeonjun let out an ambiguously broken smile.
“Hyung.”
“What.”
“Is kissing your drunk habit?”
A voice mixed with a bit of reproach. Eunha answered simply.
“No.”
“But why again……”
“I want to.”
“……”
“Don’t you want to?”
His tongue fumbled at the demand that was pushed forward recklessly, extremely clean and accurate. Yeonjun looked down with difficulty at Eunha, who was trying to push himself in with a defenseless posture.
