The retorts that came back unfailingly every time he spoke self-deprecatingly were amusing. Eunha wrinkled the bridge of his nose blandly then stopped. With his gaze on the TV, he thoroughly dug through the past. This winter. Naturally, there were no memories.
“Then you, you’ve liked me since then?”
Yeonjun didn’t answer. He just made an ambiguous expression and pressed one cheek firmly with his tongue. Was it an affirmation? As Eunha watched puzzledly, he brought back the topic that had scattered for a moment. The point was that he wanted to go see Eunha’s house. Eunha narrowed his eyes. Was he that curious about it? No matter how much he thought about it, it was an act that would bring him no benefit.
“Let me see first.”
When he gave an evasive answer, Yeonjun’s eyes, which had been shining with interest, quickly lost their light. He stuck out his lower lip slightly, showing his sulky inner feelings. When Eunha maintained an emotionless face without yielding, Yeonjun, who conspicuously jutted out his lips hard, leaned his body over. He put his forehead against his shoulder and hugged his waist. At the gesture close to whining, Eunha rolled his gaze awkwardly. His body stiffened of its own accord.
“……Don’t keep doing this.”
“What do you mean by ‘this’?”
“Hugging, touching…… don’t do things like that.”
Yeonjun quickly lifted his face that had been buried in his shoulder. For a moment, a refreshing shampoo scent intruded then disappeared. After staring intently for a bit, he asked, “Why?” Eunha retorted with a slight furrow of his eyes as if asking something obvious.
“Because it’s uncomfortable.”
“Why is it uncomfortable?”
He couldn’t respond to that. His throat tightened and he was at a loss for words. That’s right. Why is such trivial skinship so uncomfortable? There was no reason anywhere for this kind of thing to be uncomfortable. At least for Eunha, it was such a matter. Skinship and such should have been nothing to him. When he’d been rolling around and around until worn out, why would something like this be a big deal?
But right now, it was. It was prickly and unpleasant and he wanted to avoid it if possible. It seemed like having sex would be a hundred times, a thousand times better. Rather than this kind of thing.
Rather than this kind of thing.
Right. Would it be better to just roll around like crazy after all?
“……”
As he remained silent, the gaze touching him deepened. The arm wrapped around his waist gained some strength. It felt like an interrogation asking ‘why aren’t you answering?’ So he should open his mouth.
As expected, his voice wouldn’t come out. Eunha, who had stiffened, ultimately couldn’t say anything and swept his parched lips with his tongue. He roughly rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. While feeling his nape become stiff with dizziness.
The pressure in his eyes rose. He felt tired and weary. He also wanted to kick Yeonjun out of the house right now. Ever since some point, it had always been like this when he was with him. It was distant and arduous. He often felt like running away recklessly. The taboo items Yeonjun shouldn’t do only steadily increased as days went by. Eunha now didn’t like it when Yeonjun asked if he’d eaten, and it also bothered him when he said to sleep well every single day without fail. Naturally, he also disliked hugging.
However, at the same time, it felt good to be hugged. The arm still wrapped around his waist brought a sense of stability. He didn’t particularly want to shake it off. He wanted to settle in. Holding hands was similar. All the other trivial things too.
What was all this? Why did he have such contradictory feelings?
Eunha, who let out an empty breath, dropped his gaze.
“Yeonjun-ah.”
“Yes.”
“Should we stop?”
“……”
“Doing this.”
Even to his own ears, it was a voice lacking confidence. Yeonjun repeated calmly.
“Doing this.”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
It was a thoroughly calm tone. A calm attitude without much reaction. Eunha dragged out a few seconds, then let out a dry, bitter laugh as if in desperation. He felt miserable as if he’d become a defeated soldier raising a white flag. He wondered if there was any alternative. Saying he wanted to stop was no different from admitting that a reason for it had arisen.
Nevertheless, he spoke. Because if he could cut him off even now by doing so, he wanted to.
Because he was genuinely worried. About what kind of state he would be in after filling up all ten times.
How much, this kid……
“Huh? Hyung. Why do you want to stop?”
“……You know.”
“I don’t know.”
“If you don’t know, forget it.”
At the sulky retort, a deflating laugh could be heard.
“Is it that hyung keeps worrying about me?”
“……”
“Or maybe, that you might already like me?”
It sounded somehow like teasing, so the corners of his eyes sharpened. Yeonjun, who received quite a fierce look, lowered his eyelids and showed a playfully repentant stance, then suddenly looked at Eunha with hazily wavering eyes. Then he buried his forehead in his shoulder again. His hair tickled his neck. His spine trembled faintly with goosebumps. Yeonjun, who practically stuffed Eunha into his arms like a doll as he twisted and curled up his body, let out a flushed voice.
“I was just throwing it out there.”
“……”
“Really?”
“……”
“Do you really like me?”
“—It’s not that I like you.”
“Not that?”
“……”
For a moment, he moved his lips unable to find words to say. He was endlessly at a loss for words. Haah…… Eunha, who finally let out a sigh, made an expression that twisted despondently in defeat. The questions continued endlessly.
“Since when?”
“……”
“Since when were you like that, hyung?”
It was a voice that even trembled slightly at the end. Huh? Hyung. Answer me. Please. My heart is really pounding too much right now…… Thanks to being buried in the embrace of the person muttering like that, Eunha also knew. That his heart was beating fiercely.
The sensation of rapid pulsing was being vividly transmitted through their contact. It made even Eunha dizzy. He felt like he’d be submerged up to the top of his head in rich, intense emotion. He tried hard to collect himself.
“Why does that matter?”
“It matters. When hyung likes me.”
“……I don’t like you.”
“Then what?”
“It’s not to that extent, it’s much lower than that.”
Even knowing it was a futile defense, he stubbornly erected barriers. At the excuse that didn’t even sound like words, Yeonjun laughed quietly in his throat.
“Okay. It’s lower than that.”
For a moment he felt defeated again, but Eunha brazenly kept his head up.
“Huh? Hyung. Since when was it?”
Since when was it, and also how did it come to happen? At the words demanding a detailed explanation, Eunha of course didn’t comply. He only thought to himself. He didn’t remember the exact time, and if it’s the reason, there were many. Don’t you know too? That it wasn’t without knowing, without confidence, that you spouted such absurd words like let’s meet just ten times.
Really, anyone couldn’t help but like you……
“……That really isn’t important, Yeonjun-ah.”
“How is it not important?”
“Whatever my feelings are, the fact that we’re a relationship that will end doesn’t change.”
He pronounced it calmly. This much was sincere. Not words deliberately brought out to push away, but pure sincerity. An unchanging fact.
Yeonjun lifted his head slightly and looked at Eunha. Because Eunha didn’t avoid that gaze as if in defiance, a confrontation-like eye contact continued for a while.
At the end of it, Yeonjun, who showed a subtle smile, said:
“Then I can’t accept your request to stop.”
“……”
“We promised, didn’t we?”
A firm voice. Eunha turned his gaze away while wrinkling his lips halfheartedly. Because he had nothing to say. He clicked his tongue inwardly and let out a quiet sigh. With the feeling of not even breaking even, he had to earnestly mull over the remaining number of times. Five times. After just five more times pass.
* * *
Yeonjun returned around sunset. Lying on the sofa in the house where familiar silence had descended, Eunha blankly let time flow by for a while. Then, unable to overcome his craving for cigarettes, he left the house. Because his heart felt stifled as if tightly pressed.
He just roughly pressed on a cap and headed straight to the convenience store. He was only going to buy cigarettes, but somehow ended up purchasing alcohol as well. It was a quite impulsive decision that didn’t go through rational thinking.
