# Chapter 101
It was becoming too dangerous. This damn body couldn’t refuse Boss. Just look at the current situation—I was automatically relaxing to his scent lingering in the room.
Even if my superpower was being a wolf-man, it’s not like I’d actually become a dog. Yet I could feel Boss’s heavy, soft scent filling my lungs with each breath as it swirled around him.
My tense nerves gradually loosened, and a languid sensation washed over me. To think I’d become this comfortable from just his scent alone. I frowned and abruptly sat up. I didn’t like what I was becoming.
I opened the window, trying to escape his scent even slightly. A gentle breeze quickly filled the room. Cherry blossom petals fell through the wide-open window, as if to prove that spring had arrived.
“It’s spring…”
Not long ago, I was walking through snow-covered streets thinking of myself as an outsider, but now it’s already spring. I suddenly became aware of how much time had passed.
Even though I’d returned to my original body, the fact that I was still alive felt strange. Perhaps it was because I vividly remembered the first snow I saw when I was dying. I thought that view of the world would be my last. But spring had somehow approached me.
I felt a sudden sense of disconnect from the warm, colorful world visible outside the window. Somehow, I felt I shouldn’t approach it. It was strange. I shouldn’t have anything to fear anymore, yet it seemed the label of “outsider” was still attached to me.
I hastily closed the window I’d opened wide. Looking at the cherry blossom petal that had fallen at my feet, I took a step back.
I could see the shadowed bed. A world filled with darkness without a hint of light. Without time to think, I collapsed onto the bed. My body, which had been brightly colored, was instantly covered in pitch-black shadows. Even the stirring sensations went quiet, as if devoured by the darkness.
As if time had stopped, I turned my head in a space where only the faint sound of breathing could be heard. Unconsciously, my gaze went to where a full brown tail should have been. But it wasn’t visible anywhere. The wolf ears were the same.
I raised my hand to cover my ears. The noise that used to be clearly audible no matter how much I blocked it was gone now. I could only faintly hear buzzing vibrations.
The ears and tail that hadn’t disappeared even after two weeks were somehow gone now. The wolf ears and tail were evidence that another “me” existed to protect me. But since they hadn’t returned even after half a day had passed, it would be right to assume they were completely gone now.
I stared at my hand moving freely without any hindrance. The joints that looked stiff as wood bent smoothly. With these hands, I could die right now if I wanted.
Originally, I had planned to die immediately after waking up from collapsing in the underground prison. But as if rejecting that idea, my body created another “me”—a version with strong memories from before meeting Boss, and therefore starved for affection.
The memories of what happened existed, but “I” didn’t want to die. Rather, “I” was only drawn to the sweet affection approaching in the present. As long as “I” occupied this body, I couldn’t die.
So I thought I needed to find my body, even if it was to die.
“…”
That was certainly how it was supposed to be. But somehow I became assimilated with the other “me,” and my resolve began to crumble. I could find myself depending on Boss.
This is why I wanted to die right away. I knew that if I stayed alive, I would become weak again.
I was weak. I knew that myself. The more kindly Boss treated me, my resolve to die would disappear. And then I’d get hurt again. It was a vicious cycle.
But dying immediately after opening my eyes was now impossible. It was clear I would hesitate even after regaining my body.
It seemed that “I” also knew this about me well. As if it had been waiting for me to realize this, I was able to regain my sense of self immediately.
Until now, I could only watch every situation without being able to do anything. It was absurd.
It was true that my desire to die had weakened compared to before. I had grown somewhat accustomed to this situation where death seemed like the only answer. But that only meant I felt hesitation, not that the desire had disappeared.
Even now, my desire to die was stronger. Yet what was this situation where I could move freely?
This body had continuously prevented me from dying. But now it simply followed my will quietly. As if it was certain I wouldn’t commit suicide.
It should know perfectly well what I was thinking. For me, death was the only means to completely break my relationship with Boss. If I didn’t die, I’d have to live forever bound to him.
How could it be that I couldn’t escape even though Boss was the source of my unhappiness? How could such a situation exist?
Being manipulated any further was horrible. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore. But with my instincts being drawn to Boss right now, that was impossible.
A daily life of being hurt and abandoned would come back again. I shouldn’t be deceived. The words he spoke must have been sweet talk. I tried to erase the words that remained engraved in my mind since Boss left.
If I let my guard down even briefly, those words would fill my head again, making it impossible to keep my senses.
His claim that he would love me even after death was obviously a lie. If he felt that way, why did he treat me so harshly at first? Even though he said he liked me. It didn’t make sense.
When I closed my eyes and everything became quiet, at some point an unusually cold wind would blow. That wind was fierce and sharp, as if it would freeze me to the bone. Just like the memory from the underground prison.
This was merely a hallucination I created. But it was so vivid that I couldn’t dismiss it as nothing.
In an instant, my body became like rags, and I felt hot all over as if I had jumped into fire. All I could do was clench my teeth against the pain that was hot enough to melt my brain.
This wind was expressing the memory of that day all too vividly.
It was clearly telling me that expecting Boss not to change was a dream-like hope. My breath choked, and my faint breathing barely continued. The sound of gasping breaths pierced my ears. Cold sweat was pouring down my forehead like rain.
“No…”
The thought of experiencing that again. My head wasn’t working properly due to lack of oxygen.
Clutching my numb head, my only thought was that I didn’t want to suffer. I wanted to escape this pain as quickly as possible. And I knew exactly how to do that.
As if possessed, I transformed my left hand. Claws sharper than ever before seemed like they could kill me instantly.
If I died, I wouldn’t have to experience that again. I could be at peace. A distorted smile formed on my collapsing expression. At that moment, there was no hesitation.
Without thinking, I thrust my claw deep into my throat.
“Kugh…!”
I felt the pain of penetrating soft flesh and the warm sensation of blood flowing from my hand and neck. But this wasn’t enough. A normal person might die from this, but I wouldn’t die unless I stabbed deeper.
My neck was already regenerating, as if to prevent my death. This would only cause suffering. I gritted my teeth and thrust my hand deeper.
“Kuhak…!”
Blood rose from my throat and began to flow out of my mouth. Blood poured onto the white sheets. I could feel my body growing cold. I felt nauseous.
But despite the pain, I felt elation. Although it was a body-burning agony, it made the hallucinations disappear. It felt like being pulled out of a deep, dark swamp.
My action wasn’t wrong. If I just went a little further, I could be free from this pain too. I raised the corners of my mouth and applied force to my hand.
But I could only open my eyes wide at what happened next.
“W-why—”
I barely managed to speak after a gasping breath. My vision trembled aimlessly.
As if it had frozen, I could no longer move my hand.
It would have been better if my body was interfering like before. Because that would be the same situation as before. I would have thought I just needed to wait for the next opportunity. But this was my own will, nothing else.
The thought of piercing this throat and cutting off my breath dominated my mind, but I just couldn’t move forward.
I couldn’t die.
With every movement, memories of days past bound my hands. If I could just go a little further, I could be at peace, but that little bit couldn’t be achieved.
My vision blurred as teardrops fell onto the blanket one by one. Boss’s words that he liked me echoed in my mind.
Why did he say such words that continue to bind me even in this moment? Wasn’t it enough that he manipulated me as he wished until now?
Just when I thought I could finally be at peace, why…
My vision rocked aimlessly like ocean waves. The claws embedded in my neck were still there. Because of that, I could vividly feel the terrible pain spreading from my neck.
Since regeneration had already occurred, if I withdrew my hand, everything could return to normal as if nothing had happened.
But instead, I attempted one last struggle.
“Please…”
I slowly moved my hand that had stiffened like a statue. The blood that had been clotting gushed out again. I bit my lip hard enough to bleed and squeezed my eyes shut.
Focusing on my hand embedded in my throat, I pushed with force.
Tududuk, the chilling sound of flesh tearing pierced my ears.
But that was all.
Despite my efforts, in the end, I couldn’t die. My blood-soaked hand fell limply onto the bed. Along with the metallic smell of blood came endless despair.
