My twentieth birthday, and also twenty-first, twenty-second, twenty-third…. Until last year’s twenty-ninth birthday, I was always with Cha Jeonghan every year. Cha Jeonghan looked at the time down to the second and said congratulations to me first when midnight came. Honestly, I didn’t put much meaning in birthdays, but being with Cha Jeonghan, my birthday gradually became so very special. Inside all that specialness was entirely Cha Jeonghan.
Until not long ago, I thought my thirtieth birthday would of course be with Cha Jeonghan too. I believed without doubt that most of our days would flow affectionately like they had until now. Because I was hiding it well. Because I didn’t know it would turn out like this.
“……”
I wandered between the blurred boundary of dreams and reality’s thoughts, then got out of bed. There were a lot of congratulatory messages from friends I’d been in contact with since high school and college peers. I checked the gifts that had arrived one by one—coffee, cakes, gift certificates—and sent replies saying thank you. I was truly grateful, but I was sorry that I wasn’t in a situation to accept and respond to them with an overflowing happy heart.
After confirming and replying to the happy birthday message from noona and the message telling me to come home by 12 o’clock, I quickly prepared to go home. I just wanted to have a good time with my family. Because I didn’t want to make my parents and noona worry because of this situation of mine.
Mom and noona’s eyes widened when they saw me. Knowing the reason why, I just smiled as if nothing was wrong. I learned for the first time that smiling was such an awkward and difficult thing.
“How busy have you been to lose this much weight? Were you sick somewhere? You seem a bit pale.”
“I’ve been a bit busy lately. I also had a bit of a cold…. I’m fine now. You must have been very busy lately too, Mom. Is your health okay?”
“Mom is always fine. Tell Mom if you’re sick.”
“I wasn’t very sick. Just a little…. Jeonghan took good care of me, so I got better quickly.”
“Mom feels so grateful and sorry to Jeonghan. It would have been nice if he came together today. Come together sometime when Jeonghan has time. Mom will make delicious food.”
“…Yes. I will.”
Mom prepared a lot of delicious pasta, steak, homemade pizza and such from lunch. Seeing Mom smile saying Dad would buy a delicious cake when he came in the evening, I thought it was good that I came after all.
I met Mom and noona often to talk, but it had been quite a while since the three of us talked together like this. Pleasant stories flowed, and I looked at my mom and noona whose laughter never stopped. I wanted to say something about myself too, but I didn’t have any particularly pleasant stories to tell, so I just listened.
“Is Jeonghan healthy without being sick anywhere? It must be hard with so many schedules.”
“He’s healthy. He exercises too, and on his days off he tries to rest well….”
“Jeonghan is like Mom’s son too. I’m worried because you boys are so busy, but my mind is at ease because you’re together. Our Yuhyeon being kind goes without saying, and Jeonghan is really good to you too. He takes care of you more than Mom does, does everything better. So I’m relieved when you two are together. How fortunate. It’s hard to meet such a good friend in life.”
“…I think so too. So don’t worry about us, Mom.”
At Mom’s words to rest a bit until dinner time while talking, I went up to my room. I hadn’t lived long in this house that we moved to after high school graduation. It also had a garden and was two stories with the rooms upstairs which was nice, but I became independent near school, so I didn’t have many memories or such in this house. This place just felt like a house where my parents lived.
So the somewhat unfamiliar room on the second floor was better for me now. If I had lived here long, there would surely be memories related to Cha Jeonghan in this room, but since I didn’t live here long, there were no particular memories of being with Cha Jeonghan here.
Inside the room were the desk and chair I used when I was a high school student and a newly bought bed so I could stay anytime I came. Whether she cleaned every day even when I wasn’t here, there wasn’t a speck of dust in the room every time I came. The moment I sat on the bed while suppressing my frustrated insides, nausea rose. I quickly went to the bathroom outside the room and vomited up everything I’d eaten. Only after feeling my insides were completely empty did my strength drain and my churning insides settle.
I barely got up and rinsed my mouth several times, brushed my teeth several times. I hated the sight of my face visible in the mirror, so I absolutely didn’t look toward the mirror.
I came back into the room and got on the bed with a body that had no strength at all and closed my eyes. Whether my throat hurt or my insides hurt, tears kept coming until I fell asleep.
I tried to change my not-okay feelings to the point where I could pretend to be okay before facing my family again. I was worried about what if my eyes were swollen from crying, but fortunately it wasn’t severe enough to tell I’d cried, so it seemed I could get through it well.
My insides, which had emptied everything I’d eaten, still hurt a bit. I hadn’t eaten much of anything for a while, and whether it was because I was focusing excessively on one thing, nothing felt comfortable no matter what I did. Still, knowing that even this appearance was something I had to take responsibility for alone, I kept thinking I was okay, that I had to be okay today. Even if I wasn’t okay, I had to be okay. I thought and thought again like a spell, like brainwashing.
In the evening, Father and my brother-in-law came in together. When the whole family gathered, the atmosphere became more lively and enjoyable than at lunch. With wonderful dishes and the beautiful cake Father bought, and the expensive wine and champagne my brother-in-law prepared, there was nothing that wasn’t enjoyable.
I didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere by not being happy when I was the birthday person in this joyful atmosphere, so I ate hard and drank hard. I answered all the questions well and tried to start conversations first too. It was something that used to happen naturally without effort, but today I felt a bit upset and sorry that I could only do it with effort, but if I didn’t do at least this, I felt like I’d really make my family sad celebrating me like this, so I tried and tried again.
“Brother-in-law, do you still go to almost all your friend’s schedules together these days?”
“No. These days I only go together when Jeonghan needs me. When he goes into filming a project, that’s when it’s busy, but other than that, we don’t go everywhere together.”
“I see. No, it’s not anything else, I was just thinking it would be good if brother-in-law worked with Noona at the cafe.”
“The cafe work?”
“I’m not telling you to do it, but we’re planning to have a child, and if that happens, it seems like it’ll be hard for Noona to work at the cafe alone. It’s too precious to sell to someone else, and if it’s okay, I thought it might be good for brother-in-law to try it since you work well.”
At my brother-in-law’s words, gazes expecting my answer subtly reached me. Though they didn’t necessarily keep showing their worry to me, I could understand it was my family’s hearts wanting me to at least think about doing something else, knowing that.
“I like cafe work too. When Noona opened the cafe, I worked there a few times and it was rewarding and fun…. It was good. For now, if I get the chance, I’ll help Noona well.”
“Our Yuhyeon is so good at work. And last time when I was resting with the flu, Yuhyeon watched the cafe for a few days. The female customers came to see Yuhyeon then. When I went back out later, so many people asked me if my younger brother wasn’t coming out anymore.”
“Wasn’t it good that I didn’t come out? Because I worked clumsily.”
“Absolutely not. Many people asked if you were my real younger brother, if you had a girlfriend.”
At the mention of girlfriend, Mom showed particular interest and looked at me with a face curious about my love life. Since I’d never talked about that sort of thing until now and had never shown interest, it was natural for her to be curious whenever this topic came up. But I had nothing to say to Mom, and couldn’t say anything.
Stories about Cha Jeonghan came up directly, and even when they didn’t, most of the talk seemed like Cha Jeonghan was at this table. Having been close with our family for 13 years, Cha Jeonghan had already become part of our family, and I couldn’t escape that. So even while making efforts not to dampen this atmosphere, I couldn’t be completely composed. I felt sorry to my family, but I wanted this time to pass quickly and go home more.
After the meal, we ate cake and drank a bit of alcohol with cheese and fruit. Before going home, I went upstairs under the excuse of bringing down something I’d left on the second floor and threw up everything I’d eaten again, but still, I was grateful I could spend a good time without my family discovering my current mood.
My sister, who hadn’t drunk alcohol, dropped me off on the way home. My brother-in-law, who got out of the car following me, handed me an envelope with gift certificates saying to buy what I needed. Even though I said it was okay, my brother-in-law said he’d be hurt if I didn’t accept it and ultimately gave it to me, saying congratulations.
I greeted my sister and brother-in-law waving from the car they’d gotten back into, and only after that car was completely out of sight did I exhale the breath that seemed to have been pooled inside me all day. Just from exhaling that breath, tears dripped down to the ground. The mint scent lingering in my mouth, my stinging throat…. Today without Cha Jeonghan. All of these things were still far too unfamiliar.
‘What will we be doing on your thirtieth birthday?’
On my twentieth birthday, Cha Jeonghan asked me as if drawing a very distant future. Back then I was younger than now, and it wasn’t easy to hide my emotions, so the moment I heard his words, I thought of just one thing.
I wanted to say I hoped to be with you on my thirtieth birthday too. I also thought it would be even better if the you at thirty loved me like I love you now. But not knowing how far I could go with my words, I couldn’t say it. Seeing me hesitating like that, Cha Jeonghan grinned and rubbed my cheek.
‘Do you have that many things you want to do? You can’t answer right away. At times like this, you should give an answer to move me, like I’ll be with you on your thirtieth birthday too.’
‘I’ll be with you on my thirtieth birthday too.’
I said the sincerity I couldn’t say, but Cha Jeonghan thought I’d followed his words and laughed. Watching Cha Jeonghan who pressed and rubbed my face from both sides with the words that I was cute, I just smiled. Whether it flowed away as a joke or reached him as sincerity didn’t matter. Just being with Cha Jeonghan at that moment was most important to me.
“……”
That thirtieth birthday that had felt so far away was today. If I could go back to that time and Cha Jeonghan asked me again, I wanted to answer that we’d just be the same as we are now. Just as good friends ordinarily, I wish we could spend each day with you like now. I didn’t know well back then that that was the most difficult thing.
Staying in the cold air, I came to my senses a bit more than when I’d been inside the whole time. Below the officetel, I stopped several times trying to go inside and stayed in the cold air a bit longer. When I was at my parents’ house, I wanted to come back here quickly and be alone, but now that I’d come, it wasn’t easy to go up. What on earth was this nonsensical feeling?
