“Why aren’t you eating?”
“I think I had indigestion yesterday.”
“Really? I thought you looked a bit sick. You work with Cha Jeonghan, right? Isn’t Cha Jeonghan making you work too much?”
“No. I haven’t been doing much work lately. Jeonghan…”
The moment I said Cha Jeonghan’s name out loud, my throat closed up. My eyes grew hot, so I quickly looked at the people talking pleasantly and reminded myself again and again where I was. I absolutely didn’t want to hear that I cried at sunbae’s wedding reception.
“…Jeonghan does everything well on his own. And the manager hyung goes around with us, so I don’t have anything hard.”
“Ah, there’s another manager? I thought you did everything. He’s really doing well. There are many celebrities from our school, but it’s really amazing that a peer I know is getting big. I still find it amazing every time I see Cha Jeonghan on screen. Don’t you?”
“Me? I’m…”
“Well, you stuck together with Cha Jeonghan like glue, so it must feel a bit different for you than for us. Give him my regards. I remember drinking with Cha Jeonghan a few times back then, does he remember? Why was it, he was outside waiting for you, so we called him. Then we drank more together.”
“…Yeah. That happened.”
“I thought Cha Jeonghan was in our department, but he wasn’t, so I was really surprised. Maybe because he always waited for you and came to our department room. I naturally thought he was in our department.”
At the words of Yoon Jihwan, who had been in the same department, the other peers who had been talking about other things began to chime in one by one. Everyone said they all thought Cha Jeonghan was in the same department and laughed, but I couldn’t laugh at all.
“We really said you were sickeningly close, but as I get older, I’m really envious of having a friend like that. How nice. You understand each other perfectly, and can come out for a drink anytime you call.”
“……”
I confessed to that kind of friend yesterday about all the lies I’d been telling and things I’d been hiding. And I was losing the name of friend.
“Come out to a peer gathering together sometime. Though I know you’re very busy.”
“……”
I couldn’t even make that promise. Because I didn’t even know if I could see his face again. Yoon Jihwan looked at me with a somewhat worried face as I couldn’t answer.
“Hey, Yuhyeon. Are you okay? You look like you’re going to collapse.”
“I’m fine. Just a moment…. I’ll go to the bathroom.”
Leaving behind the approaching gazes, I escaped the reception hall as if fleeing and entered the emergency stairs and closed the door. Coming from a noisy place to a quiet place and being alone, my breath poured out. I could cry now since I was alone, but not wanting to show my crying face to anyone, I leaned against the door with my eyes closed and kept suppressing and suppressing the emotions that kept overflowing.
Everyone I knew so far all knew Cha Jeonghan. Friends from high school, and people from college too, all talked about Cha Jeonghan when they saw me, and talked about me when they saw Cha Jeonghan. There was no one who didn’t know us who always went around together.
“……”
I couldn’t even gauge how much of a wound I had given to that Cha Jeonghan. I had taken away the name of friend from my friend who always put me first. Knowing why Cha Jeonghan was hurt and how much it hurt, I had committed that exact same thing. Hiding it, not saying anything the whole time, and then reaching a dead end where I could no longer hide it, I threw words packaged as a plausible thing called confession at Cha Jeonghan who wasn’t prepared at all, just to make myself feel better.
What thoughts was Cha Jeonghan having right now? How would we end?
“……”
Please let it be an ending that isn’t painful for Cha Jeonghan. I didn’t care what happened to me, so please let my kind and tender friend who couldn’t just pass by and came to stand in front of me not be in too much pain—the one who turned the 13 years we had into ruins in an instant.
That was the only thing I wished for now.
* * *
Naturally, there was no contact whatsoever from Cha Jeonghan. Knowing that even if I were Cha Jeonghan, I wouldn’t have contacted myself, I didn’t have any feelings like disappointment. I just felt sorry and worried. But I had no right to worry about him.
I couldn’t tell how time was passing day by day, couldn’t organize what to do or how to do it. I couldn’t figure out whether I should contact Cha Jeonghan first to apologize, or whether I should just quietly disappear from his life as he was organizing things, staying still and quiet.
Spending two weeks without going outside in the officetel where no sound could be heard, just thinking, I didn’t know anything—how time was passing, what day of the week it was today, what the date was. I repeated the cycle of thinking and sleeping with the blinds drawn throughout the house.
I sometimes started my day as if it were dawn by washing, and sometimes went to sleep folding up the day in broad daylight. The times I checked the time were when I looked at Cha Jeonghan’s traces remaining on my phone. I came out after washing at 4 AM and sat on the sofa, checking our messages that had been cut off two weeks ago every day. I spent most of my time scrolling up and looking at those affectionate and fluttering traces of him from the time when I didn’t know anything. Perhaps because I cried too much the first few days, tears didn’t even come now.
Whenever the vibration rang, I was startled and my heart raced wildly. Even knowing it couldn’t be Cha Jeonghan, my heart still hadn’t come to its senses and thought of him. I confirmed that the person calling was my older sister and answered the phone.
“Yeah, noona.”
– Yeah, it’s noona. Where are you? Playing with Jeonghan? It’s quiet.
“…I’m home. I’m alone.”
– Ah, does Jeonghan have a schedule today? Well, he’s busy, so there’s no playing around just because it’s Christmas.
“…Christmas?”
Only from noona’s words did I realize today was Christmas. When did time pass like this? Hearing noona’s bright voice, my heart kept stinging.
– Don’t stay alone, come visit the cafe. We have Christmas drinks and cakes out now. Come and hang out with noona. We’ll have a party with brother-in-law in the evening too. Sleep at noona’s house and let’s go home together tomorrow.
“Home?”
– You forgot again. Tomorrow is your birthday.
My head throbbed at the word birthday. I wasn’t in a state to have a pleasant meal with my parents, so the very fact of it being my birthday weighed more heavily.
“…I forgot.”
– I knew it. Good thing I called. I said let’s go out to eat, but Mom seems to want to cook and feed you. Is Jeonghan busy tomorrow too? If he can, she says to come together.
There was no way my parents wouldn’t care about Cha Jeonghan, who had spent every birthday with me. I didn’t know where to start or what to say. I could just say he was busy this year, but I was already at a loss for how to make excuses next year, and the year after that.
“Jeonghan is… probably too busy tomorrow too.”
– Really? Then it can’t be helped. Everyone’s busy at the end of the year anyway. What will you do then? Won’t you come to the cafe now?
“I also have some things to do…. I’ll go home early tomorrow, noona.”
– Okay, then. Come early tomorrow. The whole family will be together for the first time in a while.
“Right…. I’ll come around lunchtime tomorrow.”
After finishing the call with noona, I checked the time. The date December 25th and the time 4:40 PM finally properly entered my eyes. Exactly two weeks had passed since I went to sunbae’s wedding.
“……”
Even though it wasn’t time for the sun to set yet, I had all the blinds drawn so I couldn’t tell what it was like outside. I went to the living room and spread the blinds covering the window completely with my fingers to look outside.
When did it snow—everything below had turned completely white. I could see people coming out as families and getting in cars, and many people walking in pairs on the street. Looking at the unfamiliar-looking outside, I went back into the room, got on the bed, and lay down any which way. It was truly the first time in my life experiencing this kind of lethargy, so all I could do was just drain the strength from my body like this.
* * *
I had a dream. It was a dream of Cha Jeonghan in school uniform holding a cake box in his hand and smiling. I knew the appearance of Cha Jeonghan in the dream all too well. It was the face of Cha Jeonghan who appeared at the playground in our neighborhood at midnight on December 26th when my nineteenth birthday began.
Cha Jeonghan said he wanted to be the first to congratulate my birthday and lit candles at the playground. He said it would be a bit much to sing too, so he’d play it for me, and played something like a birthday congratulations nursery rhyme. I laughed for a long time because the nursery rhyme was funny and Cha Jeonghan being flustered saying he searched for it but didn’t listen to it and this came out was funny too. We could only blow out the candles after half of them had melted from laughing like that.
‘Happy birthday, Ji Yuhyeon. I’m the first this year, right?’
‘Yeah, right. Thank you.’
‘I’ll be the first to congratulate you next year too. And from now on, always.’
That smiling face was the biggest gift to me. I loved Cha Jeonghan so much, who was happy saying he was the first to congratulate me after coming here with a cake on this cold night to celebrate me. I was so, so happy thinking we could keep spending birthdays together like this in the future.
‘Did you have a good time with your family yesterday?’
‘Since today is my birthday, yesterday we just went out and had dinner. What about you?’
‘I just waited for today.’
‘……’
‘For me, Christmas is the day before your birthday.’
Every single word Cha Jeonghan said touched and melted into my heart. I didn’t even know it was cold, didn’t know time was passing. We talked about this and that together until a time when the word dawn suited it well, then parted. Cha Jeonghan came to the front of our apartment and watched me get on the elevator before going back. I carefully entered the house so my parents and noona wouldn’t wake up, lay in my room, and couldn’t sleep at all until morning because my heart was pounding so much.
