“……”
I suddenly remembered that this officetel was also something Cha Jeonghan had arranged for me. Why did I only realize this now? I had many thoughts so I couldn’t think this far, but my heart seemed to have known this all along and shown discomfort.
I had to leave the officetel quickly too. Though it was a place Cha Jeonghan had arranged so I could store my things and occasionally come rest, now that my relationship with him was shaken and I’d hurt him, it was right to empty this place and leave quickly. I had to organize my things at Cha Jeonghan’s house and organize the officetel too, but I wondered what on earth I’d been doing locked up for two weeks, forgetting things I had to handle quickly.
With the thought that I should find a place to stay starting tomorrow as quickly as possible, I got on the elevator. Since I didn’t have that many things, once I found a house, moving wouldn’t be that difficult. My things at Cha Jeonghan’s house were also mostly things Cha Jeonghan bought me, so there wouldn’t be that much to pack.
“……”
To organize all of this and find a house to move out, I had to go to Cha Jeonghan’s house first and organize from there, but I actually had no confidence to go to that house. Even though it was a place I went in and out of every day and practically lived in, I felt like I’d forgotten how to go there. It felt like I had no right to set foot there.
Would it be better to tell Dongyun hyung and have him handle it? Or would it be better to go while he’s at a schedule and organize things myself? Either way seemed like it would only make Cha Jeonghan uncomfortable, so I was cautious.
How long would it take to find a house? I couldn’t even judge whether it was right to tell Cha Jeonghan I was emptying the officetel, or whether it was better to tactfully empty it cleanly on my own. Even if I’d spent two weeks thinking and handling it, it wouldn’t have been enough, but remembering that I’d spent that time just spacing out, I couldn’t stand how pathetic I was.
I got off the elevator with a sigh and turned the corner toward the only house in the hallway. It was a special floor obtained so Cha Jeonghan could come and go freely without being uncomfortable.
“……”
I remembered him who’d come here from morning when I was sick recently and waited for me without even going inside, and heat gathered in my eyes again. Even walking was hard, so I stopped for a moment, closed my eyes deeply, and pressed down the emotions that kept heating up. The emotions that used to hide well as I hid them now seemed to not want to hide anymore, escaping through the gaps as I pressed them and pouring over me.
Still, the feeling like I would cry subsided to some degree, so I lifted my head again. When I lifted my head and looked ahead… someone was there.
“You’re late.”
The man wearing a long dark-colored coat, leaning his back against the wall next to the door, was looking at me. The emotions I’d pressed down soaked my entire body as they were and flowed downward. My heart started beating like crazy.
“……”
Cha Jeonghan had come looking for me.
**2.**
The world stopped, and it seemed like only Cha Jeonghan and I were left. Even while seeing Cha Jeonghan with my eyes, I felt no sense of reality at all. Cha Jeonghan, who’d been watching me the whole time as I couldn’t approach him, slowly pulled his back away from where he’d been leaning and straightened his body.
“Did you go to your parents’ house?”
The first words that reached me were also different from what I’d thought, so even though they weren’t difficult words, I couldn’t react right away and stayed a bit dazed like a fool before barely answering.
“…Yeah.”
“I waited.”
“……”
“About two hours.”
“…You should have called. Then I would have come quickly….”
“Sometimes I like waiting for you.”
“……”
“I like how you’re surprised when you see me waiting, and I like how you don’t know what to do saying I should have called. Sometimes I just want to see you like that.”
Cha Jeonghan approached me first as I still stood there unable to move. And he took my hand and led me in front of the door. His hand touching mine was cold, which made me feel upset.
“Today was like that. I wanted to wait for you.”
Cha Jeonghan, who was about to let go of my hand, grabbed it again and lifted it slightly to look down at the clasped hands. Seeing the hand that was visibly trembling, Cha Jeonghan tilted his head and let go of the hand.
“Why are you trembling like this?”
“……”
“Let’s go inside first.”
After pressing down the trembling hand once, I quickly opened the door. Cha Jeonghan let me go in first and followed behind. It was fortunate I’d organized the house to some degree this morning before leaving.
“…What do you want to drink? You must have been cold, should I give you tea?”
“I don’t need anything to drink, sit down.”
I followed Cha Jeonghan sitting on the sofa and sat across from him. I couldn’t really believe that Cha Jeonghan was in front of me, and since this was the first time facing him like this since that day, I was trembling so much and also scared, so I couldn’t look at his face.
The silence was unsettling, so I felt like I had to say something. Feeling his gaze reaching me, I opened my mouth that felt trembling.
“…I’ll leave the officetel soon.”
“……”
“I should have left already… but I was out of it so I didn’t think about it. And I’ll organize my things at your house too. But most of them are things you gave me…. I think it’s right to leave those and organize… but if I just leave them, it seems like it’ll be troublesome for you, so…. If you just tell me what to do with those, I’ll….”
“If I tell you to leave them, you’ll leave them, if I tell you to take them, you’ll take them, you’ll do whatever I tell you to?”
“…Yeah. I should.”
“If I tell you not to leave, will you listen to that too?”
At the answer I hadn’t thought of, I lifted my head and my eyes met with Cha Jeonghan who was looking at me. Whether it was because it was a face I’d been thinking about the whole time, just looking at his face was so… good.
“What’s with that face? People who see you will all know.”
“……”
“Suddenly confessing alone, I didn’t say anything but you got rejected alone, thinking about leaving the house alone, thinking about organizing things alone.”
“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jeonghan-ah. I said it because I didn’t want to deceive you anymore…. But I only made you angry.”
“I’m not angry.”
Cha Jeonghan spoke clearly. It wasn’t a voice suppressing anger, nor was it a face trying to reassure me to have a conversation while holding it in.
“Honestly, it’s not something to be angry about. Well…. If you’d said you actually hated me but I was clinging to you so you were forcing yourself to endure and play friend, I would have been angry, but when you say you love… me, that’s not something for me to be angry about. Of course, I was a bit surprised.”
“……”
“Being loved by you is a good thing for me, not something to be angry about.”
“……”
“I was surprised since I didn’t know, and there was a lot to think about. The most shocking thing was that I did… that kind of thing with you while drunk. And that you hadn’t told me about it.”
“……”
“You did it because you didn’t want to break our relationship.”
At the calmer voice than ever, I tried to answer but couldn’t do it properly, so I just opened and closed my mouth for nothing.
“Was that day the first time?”
“…Huh?”
“No matter how much I think about it, if it was the first time something like that happened, there’s no way you could have passed it off so nonchalantly.”
“……”
“Tell me honestly.”
“…Before that too, a few times… there were times like that.”
“……”
Cha Jeonghan couldn’t continue for a moment. Seeing his face that looked agonized, my heart kept crumbling.
“Jeonghan-ah….”
“……”
“…I wish you wouldn’t say you’re sorry.”
“……”
“I… I was happy. Except for you not remembering, I was really happy. And later I even thought it was more fortunate that you didn’t remember…. So don’t worry too much.”
It wasn’t words to comfort him, nor were they words to get through this situation. There was no lie at all, no addition at all—it was sincerity. I had been happy for every moment I’d touched Cha Jeonghan. The guilt that followed wasn’t his fault, so if I only thought of the moments of touching, I’d truly fluttered so much and been happy.
“You must have had a hard time alone.”
“……”
“I didn’t remember so I treated you like nothing happened, and you must have been upset alone a lot watching me like that.”
“……”
“I always told you not to have a hard time alone, but I was the one who made you endure alone…. I’m so angry at myself, and thinking about how you must have had a hard time alone but couldn’t show it to me and treated me like nothing was wrong, I’m so sorry.”
“……”
“That’s why I couldn’t appear before you. I didn’t know how I should look at you.”
