When I left the hotel and faced the cold wind, I came to my senses a bit. I went out to the main street and walked wherever my feet took me without looking at the direction.
I thought I’d feel relieved after telling Cha Jeonghan I loved him, but it wasn’t relief—my insides had completely emptied out entirely. The cold wind dug right into my body and tore through the empty place I’d destroyed overnight. The wind was so sharp it slashed wildly here and there at the empty places.
Various thoughts dug in, hitting everywhere painfully and haphazardly. Cha Jeonghan’s shocked face and smiling face, his hardened face saying nothing—they filled my head then descended to my heart and resented me. Unable to walk even a bit more, I went to a nearby empty bus stop and collapsed. I felt dizzy as if all my remaining strength and body heat were draining out beneath my feet, and broke into a cold sweat. My heart felt heavy as if I’d committed something I couldn’t handle. I was suddenly scared now, wondering if Cha Jeonghan, who’d suddenly faced all of this, could handle what even I, the owner of these emotions, couldn’t handle.
“……”
Several buses stopped, several people got on and off, and the world moved as usual, except for me. I remained still stopped at the bus stop, left alone again after everyone had left.
It was agonizing. My pain was naturally my share to bear, but what weighed on my mind and hurt most was that I seemed to have made Cha Jeonghan too agonized and escaped alone. Because I knew well how much he trusted and relied on me, it was even more so. My head was full of Cha Jeonghan.
“Get up.”
Before I could even confirm the person who suddenly approached and stood before me, their voice reached me. I knew it was Cha Jeonghan before lifting my head to see that face. A car was parked in front, and he had gotten out of the driver’s seat and was standing before me.
“…I’ll go on my own.”
“I tried to let you go on your own too, but I couldn’t, so I came back.”
“……”
I didn’t know how to turn away from Cha Jeonghan. Cha Jeonghan looked down at me just staring like a fool with sensitive eyes and grabbed my arm to pull me up.
“…Jeonghan-ah.”
“I know it’s an uncomfortable situation, but just get in since I’ll just keep my mouth shut and take you. Don’t make it more uncomfortable.”
I didn’t want to make Cha Jeonghan more uncomfortable in this situation. I got into the passenger seat as he led me. Cha Jeonghan still looked at me with sensitive eyes, got into the driver’s seat, and drove silently.
“……”
Several words came to mind, but not one flowed out on sound. Cha Jeonghan also didn’t say anything until we arrived at the officetel.
In front of the officetel, I got out of the car without being able to say even a word of greeting. As soon as I closed the door, his car moved away. Since this was the new appearance I had to accept, I watched until the car completely disappeared.
I came up to the officetel and sat down carelessly on the bed without even turning on the lights. If I could go back to the morning when I lay here sleeping, what would I do? Would I still repeat all these things I’d done now?
“……”
I felt unburdened and light having let go of the string I’d been gripping tightly with both hands for 13 years, afraid to lose it and show it to someone, but so naturally, I’d also let go of the string of friendship I’d always worn on my wrist, so my two hands were now completely empty.
What kind of name would Cha Jeonghan and I have now? In the place where the name of friend, which was so stable and always warmed my heart just thinking about it, had disappeared… what other name would be engraved? Acquaintances? Former friends? Strangers?
“……”
Perhaps we couldn’t attach any name at all. Because I was the one who betrayed the name of friend first. For someone like that to hope for some other name to attach between Cha Jeonghan and me didn’t make sense. I was so scared of myself being selfish to the end.
Best, second best. And worst and second worst. Which of these four names would my confession today have? One thing certain was that I was Cha Jeonghan’s worst—that one thing. So I, who didn’t even deserve to cry, cried for a long time thinking of Cha Jeonghan who’d come back, unable to leave me alone after seeing me at my worst.
Still, it was a night that couldn’t be the worst, and also couldn’t be the second worst, because I had Cha Jeonghan.
* * *
I tossed and turned all night and barely fell asleep, only to face an all-too-vivid dream. I was back at the restaurant. Cha Jeonghan sat across from me with an all-too-unfamiliar face, looking at me and saying nothing.
Cha Jeonghan’s kind and warm face he’d shown me, his eyes occasionally full of mischief, that pleasant sight of him eventually smiling brightly—none of it was anywhere. Cha Jeonghan looking at me with a completely sunken, hardened face was so frightening I wanted to lower my head, but I couldn’t move at all.
‘You love me?’
The voice asking back was also cold, freezing my entire body. Cha Jeonghan looked at me with eyes full of contempt like someone who’d heard something they shouldn’t have heard and asked.
‘Answer again. Yuhyeon-ah. You love me?’
My trembling lips parted. I didn’t want to answer, but nothing went my way.
‘I love you….’
‘What should I do. I don’t love you. I’ve never thought about it even once.’
Cha Jeonghan, who’d made such a precise sound, withdrew his gaze from me and stood up. I watched him leave the room, then belatedly got up from my seat, quickly opened the door and followed, but Cha Jeonghan was nowhere. I collapsed right there and cried. Facing the most painful end I’d imagined was so agonizing. Even though it was a dream, my heart hurt so much as if it were real, and the moment I pressed hard on my chest and forcefully expelled the breath that wouldn’t come easily, my eyes opened.
“……”
I closed my eyes once more at the feeling of my face and body being soaked, then sat up. The vibration was coming from somewhere close. With the habitual thought that I must answer the phone, I quickly found my cell phone, confirmed Dongyun hyung’s name, and pressed the screen. Cha Jeonghan’s schedule for today spread through my head like a headache.
“Yes… hyung.”
– Are you okay?
“What?”
– I heard you took a few days off. You’re not sick, are you?
It seemed Cha Jeonghan had told hyung that. One by one, the things that existed between us were disappearing. It was only natural, but faced with the fact that I had immediately disappeared from his daily life like this, I couldn’t speak properly.
“…Right. I’m a bit… not feeling well. I should have told you first, hyung. I’m sorry.”
– No, no. What are you sorry for? Who cares who you tell when you’re sick? Jeonghan told me everything. I only take care of the outside, but Jeonghan takes care of the inside and out and even manages mental health, so it makes sense that Yuhyeon-ssi would have a hard time. No matter how old of friends you are, taking care of a person as a person isn’t easy.
“……”
– Don’t worry about anything and rest well for a few days. I’ll take good care of Jeonghan. His expression looked bad because he was so worried about Yuhyeon-ssi.
The moment I heard those words, knowing why Cha Jeonghan’s expression wasn’t good, my heart tightened. I couldn’t lift my head, feeling like my emotions were causing too many people harm.
“…Thank you, hyung.”
– Rest well and see you again healthy. Oh, Jeonghan’s coming out. I’ll hang up.
“Yes…. Take care.”
Everything that would happen the moment I told him my feelings was progressing one by one. I knew that simultaneously with that confession I would lose the name of friend, that I could no longer be by Cha Jeonghan’s side, but actually facing it hurt much more than I’d imagined.
“……”
Since it had already happened, I couldn’t turn it back. I shouldn’t regret yesterday’s confession. Because I hadn’t confessed simply wanting to tell him my feelings, to say I loved him.
I had voiced my faded friendship—how I had treated him with impure feelings all this time, broken our promise for so long, and created secrets. I couldn’t bear it because I didn’t want to deceive Cha Jeonghan anymore, because I was sorry to him who tried to soothe me while watching my mood. I didn’t want to lie casually again to Cha Jeonghan who vaguely remembered kissing and asked me about that day.
Lies gave birth to lies, and those lies piled up until I ended up here. It was completely natural for Cha Jeonghan to turn pale after hearing my words, to be unable to organize his thoughts. It was also natural that he couldn’t go to schedules with me. While these were all reactions I had anticipated, enduring them directly and feeling the pain was my burden to bear alone.
My head was throbbing, so I closed my eyes when the vibration sounded again. On the phone I picked up again was a schedule alarm that said ‘Sunbae Joo-an’s Wedding.’ My head hurt a bit more at the schedule I had completely forgotten. I was worried whether I could sincerely congratulate them going in this state, but knowing it would be even more impolite not to go because I couldn’t, I got out of bed.
When I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was truly a mess. I had cried myself to sleep, and whether I had cried in my dreams and cried in reality too, the area around my eyes was red and swollen. It would get better while I washed and prepared, but my appearance in the mirror was such a mess that even I could hardly face it, so I bowed my head. I was truly glad I didn’t show Cha Jeonghan this face.
* * *
At Sunbae Choi Joo-an’s wedding venue, which I arrived at wearing neat and clean clothes that suited occasions like weddings, there were many familiar faces. Perhaps because sunbae was close with so many people, there were many familiar faces from sunbaes to peers to hoobaes, so greeting them one by one and exchanging pleasantries took quite a while.
I was about to miss the ceremony while exchanging greetings, so I quickly went inside and sat at a table with my peers to watch the happy sunbae. From the entrance to the procession, sunbae smiled the whole time. Watching sunbae like that, everyone in the ceremony hall couldn’t hide their smiles either.
After the ceremony ended, I went up with my peers to where the reception was being held. As soon as we sat down, course reception dishes came out and were placed one by one. Stories that had been pent up because we couldn’t share them began to flow pleasantly here and there. I couldn’t touch the food at all, finding it hard to swallow even a sip of water.
