The image of him calling my name in a voice hot with breath like mine overlapped and wavered over Cha Jeonghan’s face. The hot breath pouring over me, his weight and lips and touch and heat that I should have escaped from but didn’t want to. I wanted to touch Cha Jeonghan. If he came in drunk again and kissed me, I felt like I wouldn’t push him away this time.
“……”
These thoughts, which might be ordinary and typical for unrequited love, were utterly devastating to me. Because the things I had hidden so well for such a long time to avoid this were now showing themselves freely, none of them within my grasp. I couldn’t even meet Cha Jeonghan’s eyes.
My love had begun to lose direction.
* * *
Once the routine that had kept my love hidden broke down, I faced countless crises. I became tense over things that normally wouldn’t have bothered me, and I became frightened and stepped back from trivial matters. I reacted overly sensitively to Cha Jeonghan’s casual actions toward me.
Though “I can’t help it” was insufficient to explain everything, the only words I could think of were truly “I can’t help it.” I couldn’t forget how Cha Jeonghan had touched me, climbed on top of me and looked down at me. Even when I barely managed to fall asleep, he appeared in my dreams touching me, and even in dreams I couldn’t embrace him.
Because of these dreams, the first thing I faced when I opened my eyes was self-reproach. A day that started with self-reproach couldn’t be pleasant or light. Nothing tasted good no matter what I ate, nothing was enjoyable no matter what I did. Even when something made me laugh, my heart couldn’t laugh at all.
There was no way Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t notice this change in me. To his eyes, I seemed to be in poor condition ever since I’d been sick, so he looked at me with a worried face. All I could say was that I was fine.
“How was filming today? You finished earlier than expected.”
“It was good. You know those days that happen sometimes? When everything goes as planned in one take. Today was like that. We were totally in sync, I guess you could say.”
“Those days really feel great.”
“Right. So I filmed in a good mood for the first time in a while. Did you eat dinner?”
“Of course. What time do you think it is? Did you?”
“I ate what fans sent to the filming site.”
“Then rest. I’m going.”
At my words about leaving, Cha Jeonghan, who had been unbuttoning his shirt, turned to look at me. Watching Cha Jeonghan look at me with a face that knew what those words meant but couldn’t understand their meaning, I firmly steadied my wavering heart.
“You mean you’re going to the officetel?”
“…Yeah. Starting today, I’ll sleep there and come to work in the morning.”
The first step in organizing my feelings was, no matter how I thought about it, separating myself from Cha Jeonghan. If I stayed in the same space with him like this all the time, I couldn’t organize my thoughts even if I tried. When I saw Cha Jeonghan, my love for him was too clearly visible. Rather than organizing, I kept getting excited about him, nervous, and… recalling the times we’d touched.
“Come to work?”
“It seems wasteful to just leave the officetel empty like that…. I’ll take care of you just like always, no problem. I’ll go with you when you go to work, when you come home, and of course I’ll go if you ask me to go to filming sites together. Nothing will change. It’s just… like how Dongyun hyung drops you off and goes home, I think it’d be better if I went to the officetel too.”
“What’s really going on with you lately? You’re like a different person. It’s not like I’m living with you just as my manager.”
“Even friends should go home.”
Cha Jeonghan, who had completely removed his hands from his shirt, stared at me intently. His eyes showed he couldn’t understand at all. If he clung to me asking me not to go like he always did, I would surely crumble again.
“If anything comes up, contact me right away. I’m going. I’ll come by ten tomorrow.”
I said goodbye to Jeonghan and headed to the entrance, but he moved ahead of me and blocked the door. Looking down and up, our gazes met in the middle without wavering at all.
“Don’t go.”
“…Let me through.”
“I said don’t go. Have you only been here a day or two? You have more stuff here than at the officetel. We just never said out loud that we’re living together, but Dongyun hyung and the company all think we live together.”
“……”
“But always you, only you say no. Even after being here for years, you never seem comfortable, like you’re freeloading. You’re always thinking about leaving. Every time you suddenly draw the line like this, separating public from private, I don’t know what to do.”
Because I don’t think of you as simply comfortable the way you think of me. That one sentence would suffice, but I had to choose and choose my words again. The process of separating the love and friendship that had become tangled into one lump and leaving only the friendship was too difficult and hard even for me. Having to show this cold appearance to Cha Jeonghan wasn’t easy either.
“…I have something to think about.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Something I need to think about alone first. I need to be alone to think about it. I’ll make sure it doesn’t interfere with taking care of you, so please bear with me.”
“I’m not doing this because I’m worried about interference with work.”
“When I’m done thinking, I’ll tell you… So please bear with me for a while. I’m asking you.”
At my word “asking,” Cha Jeonghan looked at me with a face like he was at a loss for words, then went inside looking somewhat angry. I put on my shoes and left the entrance. I closed the door quietly so it wouldn’t make much noise and got on the elevator.
“……”
Even breathing out deeply didn’t feel refreshing at all. I pressed the button and leaned against the wall, when the door that had just closed opened again. I stared blankly at Cha Jeonghan getting on the elevator. Jeonghan canceled the first floor I had pressed and pressed the parking garage button instead.
Without even asking, I could tell he’d come out to take me. Looking at the car key in his hand, I felt like tears would pour out. I couldn’t say I could go alone, couldn’t say I was fine, couldn’t ask why he came out. Just opening my closed lips felt like it would make me cry, so I just bowed my head deeply and suppressed my churning heart until we went down to the parking garage.
When the elevator door opened, Cha Jeonghan reached back and grabbed my arm. As if worried I might not get in the car and run away, he led me to where the car was, put me in the passenger seat, and pushed my body inside. I froze without breathing at his face suddenly coming close in front of me.
Cha Jeonghan pulled the seatbelt across and fastened it firmly across my body as if binding me. The click of the seatbelt buckle locking echoed through the quiet car. I couldn’t move at all from the familiar scent coming from Cha Jeonghan who had come close and the body heat that seemed touchable.
“……”
As if he’d done what he needed to do, he pulled his body back, closed the door, and moved to the driver’s seat. Jeonghan got in while watching the passenger seat as if ready to catch me and put me back in if I jumped out of the car, then started the engine without saying anything.
The car naturally headed toward the officetel. It wasn’t very far, so we arrived in no time. Though it was a short time, it felt unusually longer because we didn’t exchange a single word. I looked at Cha Jeonghan who had stopped the car in front of the officetel door. Jeonghan didn’t even look at me.
“Get out.”
“……”
“Go inside.”
“…Get home safely.”
I chose and chose many words, but in the end, all I could say was to get home safely. Cha Jeonghan didn’t respond to my words at all.
When I got out of the car and closed the door, the car moved. I watched Cha Jeonghan’s car moving away, then went inside. Thinking of Cha Jeonghan who brought me here despite being absurd and hurt drove me crazy. I desperately wanted to go right away and soothe his heart. But I steadied my heart knowing that if I went now, the emotions would harden more firmly, inseparably, and then I wouldn’t be able to separate them even if I wanted to.
Even if it was awkward and hurtful now, if we lived like this, Cha Jeonghan would also become more comfortable living separately from me. We could become ordinary friends who spent time together when working or when we decided to spend time together, and when whatever we needed to be together for ended, we’d spend time in our own spaces. Everything was difficult to adapt to at first, but soon became familiar. Cha Jeonghan would surely soon get used to this life too.
After washing up, I lay on the bed, not sleepy but physically tired. For the past few days, my head had been heavy and my body tired too quickly. The thoughts I mainly had and the emotions dominating me lately were so heavy that it was a bit hard to endure them while living as if nothing was wrong. On top of that, perhaps because it consumed more energy than I thought, even though it was earlier than my usual bedtime, my body was already completely drained and limp.
‘Even after being here for years, you never seem comfortable, like you’re freeloading.’
Cha Jeonghan’s voice inevitably came to mind in the silence. What did you think when you saw me looking uncomfortable? Were you anxious that I would abandon you and disappear someday?
‘You’re always thinking about leaving.’
These days I think about wanting to touch you. Even the slightest touch of your hand makes all my thoughts turn bright red. When I face myself having such thoughts about you, I can’t bear it. Being by your side while my heart betrays you makes it hard to be comfortably by your side.
“……”
I couldn’t breathe. I knew I couldn’t suddenly end a love that had continued for 13 years just because I decided to, but I didn’t know it would be this unclear, so I felt helpless and could only sigh. I wanted to ask my future self if this was really achievable.
Whether I had completely forgotten Cha Jeonghan, and if so, how hard it had been…. If I hadn’t forgotten, how I was living.
Whether I regretted this choice of mine today.
* * *
After I told Cha Jeonghan I would go home when work ended, he didn’t say much to me. We went to schedules together and had time riding in the car, but we just talked about work-related things or briefly chatted with Dongyun hyung in between.
