“…So that hurt your feelings.”
– Just answer.
“If you can come, come…. Let’s eat lunch together.”
– I’m going in, then.
“Huh?”
Before I could even understand what he meant, I heard the sound of him entering the password. What’s this? Before my thoughts could organize, the door opened and Cha Jeonghan entered with his phone to his ear. I sat on the sofa, barely straightening my back, staring blankly at Cha Jeonghan. Seeing me like that, Cha Jeonghan approached and lowered his phone. Then he reached out his hand to me, still holding my phone to my ear. I obediently lowered my hand as he took it and pulled it down, trying to move my head that still couldn’t grasp the situation.
“Why so surprised.”
“…Were you outside?”
“Yeah.”
“Since when?”
“Why does that matter.”
Cha Jeonghan put down the paper bag he was holding on the table in front of the sofa. When I quickly grabbed the arm of him who was about to take the porridge to the kitchen, Cha Jeonghan glanced at me.
“Why.”
“I’m asking since when you’ve been waiting.”
“To scold me?”
“…No.”
“Then why. Why does that matter.”
“It matters to me.”
“Should I tell you honestly. Or should I reduce it enough that I won’t get scolded.”
“You can’t lie anyway.”
“You know me too well. I came around nine.”
Cha Jeonghan answered nonchalantly and went to the kitchen to heat up the porridge. I quickly checked the time. It was already past noon when I woke up, and now it was almost one-thirty. That’s why his mention of nine o’clock felt even more surreal.
“…You waited outside the door from nine until now?”
“Why do you keep asking. That’s not what’s important.”
“You should have come in. You know the password, so why were you doing that outside.”
“I was going to get your permission before entering.”
“What?”
“You said you’d contact me when you woke up. I was going to get your contact, ask if I could come, and if you said I could, then go in.”
“What if I said I wanted to be alone?”
“I’d just leave this and go home.”
“……”
I wanted to know how not to love Cha Jeonghan. I hated myself for having my heart flutter with love like this even at his warm friendship.
“Then you should have called.”
“You were sleeping, and if I woke you up that wouldn’t work either. So I deliberately held back and only sent messages once in a while just to check.”
Taking the porridge container out of the microwave, Cha Jeonghan rubbed his fingertips once as if it was hot and transferred about half into a bowl. Honestly, he didn’t have much patience, yet I wondered how he’d been able to wait outside without coming in until now.
“You don’t need to make that face. I came because I wanted to come, I waited because I wanted to wait, so why are you making such an apologetic face. You know. When you’re sick, even if I’m at home alone I can’t do anything. I’m not just saying that, but you didn’t believe it.”
“…This is why everyone says we’re overdramatic.”
“So what if we’re overdramatic. It’s always people without friends who say that. Hurry and eat. The porridge shop owner said this is the most delicious abalone porridge they’ve made in their lifetime. I took photos and gave them my autograph too.”
Cha Jeonghan scooped up a spoonful of porridge and pushed it toward me in an easy-to-eat way. I picked up that spoon and finished all the porridge he’d served in front of Cha Jeonghan.
“At least you’re eating better than yesterday. I brought medicine too, so take it later.”
“Okay. You should eat lunch too.”
“I’ll eat something if I’m hungry. Don’t worry. Ah, but it’s been really long since I came here. I only came down to this area at the beginning of the year, picked you up and left, haven’t been here since.”
Since I was mostly at Cha Jeonghan’s house, Cha Jeonghan really had almost no reason to come to this officetel. At the beginning of the year, I’d briefly stopped by the officetel to get something I needed, and Cha Jeonghan had picked me up from the parking lot and taken me away. So this was the first time he’d come inside this year.
“Am I bothering you too much?”
“What do you mean by that. Suddenly…”
“I’m not saying anything to you, but after hanging up with you at dawn, I thought about it and wondered if over these 13 years, I’ve been bothering you too much.”
“Why would you even think that.”
“I liked being with you so I just kept liking it. When you’re there, Yuhyeon, I feel like I can do things I couldn’t do alone, and when you say I did well I want to do even better, I wanted to become a truly proud friend to you so even when it was hard I endured one more time.”
Cha Jeonghan spoke to me in a not-so-serious voice as if telling a story in passing. It was calm and not heavy, so it didn’t scratch my heart, but it kept weighing on my mind, making me want to hug him—that kind of voice.
“That’s been how many years already. I liked it, but it seems like you had too little time for yourself. I only realized that yesterday.”
“I didn’t do it by force. If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t have done it. I’m not as nice as you think, and I’m not stupid enough to endure for years working together just because we’re friends when I don’t like it. You don’t need to think seriously about it. It’s just… I hated even the slightest possibility of giving it to you when you have so many important things ahead, and I knew you’d keep going in and out without sleeping, so I felt bad about that.”
“From now on, tell me before you go. I’ll just drop you off and come back.”
“……”
“Don’t run away like that. I was startled when you weren’t there. Even while calling, I was anxious. Afraid you’d never answer again.”
The moment I heard Cha Jeonghan’s words, I understood why he’d come all the way here but couldn’t enter even though he knew the password. Because he wasn’t sure I was inside. Like his parents who left him behind, he might have been scared that I’d left too.
“……”
I wanted to hug him. I was swept by the urge to hug him and stroke his back saying I was wrong, and it was so difficult to hold that back.
“I will. I’ll… I’ll tell you everything.”
“Yeah, that’s enough.”
Cha Jeonghan stood up from his seat with a grin and headed to the kitchen again. He poured bottled water into the electric kettle and pressed the switch, then picked up the few remaining tea bags.
“Let’s drink something warm together. Since you’re sick, just receive everything I do for you until you’re all better.”
“…Okay.”
“You answer well and you’re so cute.”
Cha Jeonghan said something that sounded like what you’d say to kids and glanced at me with a smile. My condition had definitely improved from yesterday and my headache had gotten better, but seeing that smile, I couldn’t smile back even a little.
“……”
I wanted to hug him, the one who’d been anxious I’d never answer the phone again. Earlier, I’d almost gotten up and approached him. The boundary between emotions I could show and emotions I shouldn’t show was becoming blurred. After crossing the line of friendship I should have kept with Cha Jeonghan several times, even engaging in skinship more serious than that, my heart kept harboring false hopes.
“Ah…!”
Thinking about something else, I grabbed the mug Cha Jeonghan placed down wrong and released my hand at the heat that spread sharply to my fingertips. Cha Jeonghan reached across the table and quickly grabbed my hand to examine it. The moment his hand gripped my fingertips, tension and strength entered my entire body. His breath and weight pouring over me that dawn, and the pleasure and heat that enveloped my entire body, came back to life as they were and messily tore through my thoughts and heart.
“Are you hurt?”
“…No. I’m fine.”
I pulled my hand away, but Cha Jeonghan stubbornly grabbed my hand again. Remembering how he’d pushed closer even when I tried to push him away made my legs tense up and my ears burn hot. Jeonghan was just holding and rubbing my fingertips, but it felt like he was slipping his hand under my clothes and touching my body.
“Be careful.”
“…Yeah. I was just thinking about something else for a moment.”
The moment Cha Jeonghan’s hand fell away, I felt more regretful than relieved. That’s when I realized exactly that I really couldn’t hold out like this anymore.
I had to draw a line. I really had to cut along that line now so I couldn’t cross it. I had to create a gap, a crack, so I wouldn’t even dare to think of crossing that line. I could only choose one: firmly protect our friendship, or not even protect our friendship. I only now realized that loving a friend with feelings that went beyond friendship while trying to protect that friendship was absurd from the start.
I, who had never wanted anything from Cha Jeonghan, kept starting to imagine something with him. I recalled the kiss, I recalled his hands slipping inside my shirt and touching my skin. Even when I tried to forget, I couldn’t forget, and the sensations remained vivid like a brand, impossible to erase.
“……”
What would it feel like to make love with you? When you, sober and not drunk, pull me into your arms and come close to kiss me, what thoughts would I have?
‘Yuhyeon….’
