Cha Jeonghan, who had always been affectionate and approached first showing interest, seemed to want not to burden me, so he minimized his words and didn’t come too close. When we left after schedules ended, he also told Dongyun hyung to drop me off at the officetel first. After this repeated for about ten days, it felt like the distance between us had grown a bit from before.
I knew this would happen since I couldn’t organize my feelings while constantly attached and receiving all the special friendship he poured on me, but seeing our completely changed appearance from ten days ago, I kept thinking we might end even as friends at this rate.
The schedule ended a bit early, so I came into the officetel around sunset and was blankly thinking about us growing apart when my phone vibrated. My lips trembled at Cha Jeonghan’s name on the screen. There might be a problem with the schedule, so I quickly hid my trembling and answered, and immediately his voice came through.
– It’s me.
“…Yeah. What’s up?”
– It’s not that something’s up…. Will you come out? Let’s have dinner together.
“……”
– Let’s talk too.
“……”
– Are you not going to meet me unless it’s for a schedule? You said you had something to think about. What are you thinking so much about? It must be thoughts related to me. There’s no way you’d suddenly be like this if it had nothing to do with me. You need to tell me what it is so I can think about it together or solve it together. What am I supposed to do if you suddenly act like this without saying anything, without even saying how long to wait?
Cha Jeonghan was right. I hadn’t told him anything, only making the minimum sounds that could defend me very quietly. To me who knew everything, even those minimum sounds required tremendous courage and determination, but not to Cha Jeonghan.
– Are you torturing me right now?
“……”
– If I did something wrong, tell me. Let me know why you’re doing this.
“……”
– Save me, Yuhyeon. I can’t do anything after you left like that.
Torture. The word “torture” that Cha Jeonghan said brought me to my senses. From Cha Jeonghan’s perspective, there was no word more accurate than torture. To think I was torturing Cha Jeonghan while trying to take responsibility for my feelings alone and organize them…. I wondered what this was. This really wasn’t right.
“I’ll come out. Let’s have dinner together. Where should we go?”
– Come down to the parking garage.
“Okay. I’ll be right there.”
I hung up and exhaled deeply several times. Now that I knew I was tormenting him and knew this wasn’t right, going to meet Cha Jeonghan itself might be crazy. I could just appropriately soothe him, appropriately coax him, and live pretending to be peaceful like before, as the best of friends, but my heart had been revealed too much for that. I couldn’t even understand how I had hidden this heart so tightly for 13 years.
I changed clothes and went down to the parking garage, and Cha Jeonghan got out of the car. Jeonghan smiled at me, trying not to create an uncomfortable atmosphere. I barely smiled too, lifting the corners of my lips slightly.
Even after getting in the car, it was a bit awkward, but this was the result of the past ten days, so it couldn’t be helped. Cha Jeonghan asked me as I pulled the seatbelt.
“Let’s eat something expensive and delicious. It’s been a while since we had dinner together.”
“…Yeah. Let’s do that.”
During the drive to the hotel restaurant he liked, our conversation didn’t really continue. If it had been ten days ago, we would have talked nonstop to each other, but I couldn’t believe we’d become accustomed to silence in just ten days. I knew everyone had to adapt to situations that came before them, but I didn’t know we’d adapt this quickly.
Whether Jeonghan had contacted them in advance, the VIP customer service employee I’d seen a few times was waiting outside the hotel entrance. The employee guided Cha Jeonghan and me who got out of the car to the restaurant and into a room where tableware and various things were already set up.
I looked at the menu, but it didn’t register well. I didn’t particularly want to eat anything, and also because the menu wasn’t important to me right now. Cha Jeonghan looked at me putting down the menu and ordered things I would like instead. Everything he ordered was what I’d said was delicious when we came together before.
“I really worried about what to do if you didn’t come out. Should I barge in and ask why you’re doing this, or should I wait until you tell me yourself, I kept thinking and thinking, and then I called.”
“I also kept wondering whether I should come out or not while talking to you on the phone.”
“Why did you come out? Because I clung to you?”
“…Torture.”
“Torture?”
“When I heard I was torturing you, I suddenly came to my senses.”
Cha Jeonghan, who had taken a sip of water, just stared at me instead of answering. Thinking that perhaps today might be the last time we sit facing each other and see each other’s faces, my nose stung.
“When we first became close, you said this. That as long as we don’t hide things from each other, it’s fine. That you’d like us to tell each other everything about ourselves and resolve things right away.”
“I did. I lived with parents who thought everything through alone and notified me at the end. Even though I was involved in those matters, they didn’t inform me, they thought alone, made me wait, and after deciding everything, they didn’t care whether I got hurt or was shocked or my head spun or I collapsed.”
“……”
“But you weren’t like that, Yuhyeon. From the beginning, you thought about everything with me, asked for my opinion, and listened to the end even when I gave a different answer from you.”
“……”
“I loved that so much. I went home and lay down to sleep, but I kept thinking of your face listening to me. It was the first time. Someone who considered my words important.”
I had done exactly what his parents did who hurt Cha Jeonghan. The love I thought I could take responsibility for alone shook Cha Jeonghan too the moment it became difficult for me to handle alone. Finally, Jeonghan was feeling anxiety like torture without even knowing the reason.
I couldn’t organize at all how to say it. I didn’t even know if it was right to have a pleasant meal as if nothing was wrong right now and live like before. Honestly, that temptation was the strongest.
“Looks delicious. Eat quickly. You barely ate lunch.”
Because he didn’t want the conversation interrupted, Jeonghan said to bring the appetizer and main dishes all at once since the food came out in several courses. As Cha Jeonghan requested that he would ask for dessert after the meal was over, so he’d like to talk comfortably until then, the food was all set on the table at once. I looked at the steak and various foods in front of me while agonizing until the end.
“Yuhyeon. If you don’t want to say it, you don’t have to. You don’t have to, but don’t act like we’re growing apart. I hate the feeling of growing distant from you.”
“……”
“You know what? For the whole ten days, I only watched your reactions. How hard that was.”
The moment I heard Cha Jeonghan say he’d had a hard time watching my reactions for ten days, I wanted to tell him all my feelings for the first time. I wanted to pour it out. The words “ten days” hit my heart too strongly.
I didn’t start this hoping Cha Jeonghan would find out, nor was I continuing it hoping he’d acknowledge it. No one told me to love him for 13 years, and this love was purely my emotion, my choice… mine. So in truth, not voicing it might have been the better choice. Because if only I stayed quiet, everyone could be at peace.
We’d still be friends tomorrow, and we could return to being on good terms and spend many days together like before. But I wanted to say it. For the first time, for the first time in 13 years, I wanted to tell him. It was the first impulse I’d ever faced, me who wasn’t impulsive.
“……”
It was such a contradictory emotion. I thought I’d never hoped for love from Cha Jeonghan, but perhaps I’d been hoping he’d know even without me saying it. Seeing how I wanted to pour out 13 years of time at his words that those ten days had been difficult. I couldn’t stand myself for being so childish and pathetic.
“Let’s talk about something else. It’s been a while since we ate dinner together, I don’t like heavy stuff. Oh, right. There was something I wanted to ask.”
“What?”
“About the day I met Kim Taewung and Baek Mooyoung.”
The moment the story of the day I’d touched Cha Jeonghan a bit more deeply came up, my hands holding the fork and knife trembled. I could feel Cha Jeonghan’s gaze landing on my hands, so I quickly lowered them below the table. With my uneasy heart, my clasped hands felt a bit cold and anxious.
“Who was I with when you came that day?”
“…No. You were alone.”
“Really?”
Hearing my answer, Cha Jeonghan tilted his head slowly with a face that said something was strange. He never remembered anything after days when he was completely drunk, and since he didn’t remember, he hadn’t been particularly curious about those days. This was the first time he’d asked about a day when he’d been out of it from drinking so much after time had passed, so I was extremely nervous and trembling.
“Why? Was there… some problem that day?”
I asked carefully after agonizing over how to ask without seeming strange. Cha Jeonghan emerged from his thoughts, looked at me, and smiled nonchalantly.
“No, I have some memory of being with someone that day. You know I don’t cause trouble at drinking parties. I only pass out trusting you when you’re there. But I remember causing trouble that day, so I asked Baek Mooyoung who was there. Those bastards are just a bit better than other bastards, but I know they play dirty too.”
“…What did he say?”
“He got serious and said no. That they absolutely never do that stuff when they meet me. Because if an article came out about me, they’d be exposed too, and then they’d be disgraced at their company, and in serious cases, they’d even lose their positions.”
