* * *
I returned to the cafe and cleaned up with the part-time employee who worked the closing shift, finishing the tidying up. After taking off their apron and getting ready to leave, the employee cautiously told me that they wouldn’t be able to come in starting tomorrow. I was momentarily flustered by the sudden news, but it wasn’t lunch hour, and I figured I could handle the closing time alone, so I just said okay.
Since the area was surrounded by offices, there were definitely fewer customers after work hours, so most of the nearby cafes closed early. Noona’s cafe also closed at nine at night, so I could cover that much. Even when I worked here before, there were only a few groups of customers after work hours, so it was quite quiet.
After seeing off the employee who apologized to me several times, I made myself a cup of warm tea and went to my room. It was already ten o’clock, and I was a bit tired, perhaps because I’d been working all day and had even met with the Department Head. The day had passed so quickly that I thought if I stayed this busy every day, I wouldn’t have time to think about Cha Jeonghan.
Thinking it was a good thing, I took a sip of tea. It was fragrant and warm, just like Cha Jeonghan.
“…….”
How ridiculous that right after thinking I was fortunate not to have time to think about Cha Jeonghan, the very next thought I had was of Cha Jeonghan. I looked at the tea dyed a pretty yellow color.
‘I honestly don’t really know what tea tastes like. At least coffee has the taste of caffeine.’
‘It’s just nice to drink it warm before bed. They say drinking this helps you sleep better too.’
‘I feel sleepy when I look at you though.’
‘What? Am I that boring?’
‘Just looking at you makes me feel good. When I feel good, my mind becomes at ease, and when my mind is at ease, I get sleepy.’
I used to make this chamomile tea every day for Cha Jeonghan when he was tired but couldn’t sleep because his body clock was messed up from filming. As I boiled water and steeped the tea, Jeonghan would always lean against the sofa and talk to me. I loved the time spent steeping that tea while having trivial conversations with him.
“…….”
It had been 13 years. During those 13 years together, Cha Jeonghan had become ingrained in every part of me. Wherever I went or whatever I did, there was nothing that could be separated from Cha Jeonghan.
I felt like if I stayed like this, I’d suddenly start crying while drinking tea, so I turned on the TV in my room. I thought it would be better to just watch the rapidly moving screen without thinking about anything, so I was changing channels when Cha Jeonghan’s coffee commercial that I’d been sitting and watching at the bus stop came on.
“…….”
I was captivated again by that warm and soft image of him sitting on a large window frame with greenery visible outside the window, drinking coffee.
‘He’s been my friend since high school, and he says he feels like he needs that friend, that without that friend he feels like he’s been left alone in the world….’
As I watched his smiling face, the Department Head’s voice came to mind. I felt upset remembering Cha Jeonghan’s feelings at that time when he said he felt like he’d been left alone in the world without me. I hated myself so much for doing this when I knew Cha Jeonghan’s feelings, when I knew how much he relied on me.
“…….”
What are you doing right now? Are you very lonely during your time alone? Do you think I abandoned you?
Whatever thoughts Cha Jeonghan had, whatever resentment he felt, it was all mine to accept. Because I committed this act knowing his loneliness, knowing all those feelings.
“…….”
Even though the commercial had already ended and a different scene was showing, I continued to face Cha Jeonghan’s afterimage that wouldn’t disappear. I was so frustrated wondering what the hell I was doing right now that I was about to turn off the TV when it vibrated. I reflexively looked at the phone lying on the bed. I stared at the screen without even blinking at the name ‘Jeonghan’ written on it.
Did he hear from the Department Head? Or did he find out I’d emptied out the officetel and left? If not that, then did he have something to say? I was curious, but I couldn’t answer. I deliberately ignored the endlessly vibrating phone.
The vibration only stopped after 16 missed calls had accumulated. Seeing him call this many times, he must have confirmed that I’d left home. With the feeling of being caught doing something I shouldn’t have been caught doing, I was picking up my phone now that the vibration had stopped when a short vibration went off once more.
[Jeonghan: Answer the phone]
Five more calls came after that, but I didn’t answer. Cha Jeonghan didn’t call or send messages after that. Looking at my phone that had completely stopped vibrating, I gave up a little, felt a little upset… and cried just a tiny bit.
* * *
It was only after about five days that I got the hang of the work. I’d worked at cafes several times before and wasn’t the clumsy type, so I could manage to some extent by imitating, but there was definitely a difference between helping Noona with work and standing in Noona’s place to do the work myself.
After spending the hectic lunch hour switching between manning the counter and making drinks, I even felt like I’d won a war. Still, I was fortunate that once lunch hour passed, I could spend time quite leisurely.
After the part-timer who worked with me during lunch left, I was completely alone in the cafe. At first it was a bit unfamiliar and I was a bit scared wondering what if I made a mistake, but I adapted to that too within five days. Now I was more comfortable being alone amidst the sounds of customers coming from here and there.
Around eight in the evening, several groups of customers who’d finished dinner came in and filled the cafe. Perhaps because it was cold, most ordered hot Americanos. After finishing all the buzzer calls, I was sitting down when a vibration came from the front pocket of my apron. Taking it out with a ‘what if’ feeling, I saw the name ‘Jeonghan.’ I sat on the chair placed next to the counter and kept staring at Cha Jeonghan’s name displayed on the screen.
“…….”
Cha Jeonghan had already been calling me whenever he had time for five days now. At first I agonized over whether I should answer or not, then missed the timing, and now I really couldn’t answer. It was because I didn’t have the confidence to face the torrent of resentment that would pour from Cha Jeonghan.
One call, two calls…. A sigh naturally escaped at the fifth call coming again like that. I quickly greeted at the sound of the door opening that I heard between those vibrations, got up from my seat and put my phone in my pocket. Then I looked at the customer who had come to stand in front of the counter.
“May I take your order….”
“So you do look when the phone rings. You looked at all five calls I made and still didn’t answer.”
“…Jeonghan-ah….”
Cha Jeonghan standing before my eyes felt so unreal. I could feel the cold air coming from him standing close to the counter. Cha Jeonghan stared at me and lowered the phone he’d been holding to his ear.
“Why aren’t you answering the phone?”
“…….”
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“…….”
“You completely emptied out the house and left without a word, and you’re not answering your phone?”
I could feel the people in the cafe looking this way. Someone asked if he was a celebrity, and somewhere I could even hear sounds of Cha Jeonghan’s name coming up. If we stayed like this, everyone here would know about the things between Cha Jeonghan and me, and it would spread to the world very quickly. Moreover, a newly arrived customer even lined up behind Cha Jeonghan, making things more difficult.
“…I finish at nine-thirty, so let’s close the door and talk then. One hour will be enough.”
“I don’t want to.”
“…….”
“You leave when you want to leave, ignore hundreds of calls when you don’t want to answer, and do whatever you want, but now you’re telling me not to talk and to wait?”
“…It’s a request. There are customers, and it wouldn’t be good if someone overheard.”
Perhaps because it didn’t look like he was going to order, the male customer standing behind Cha Jeonghan slightly poked his head forward to assess the situation. At that sign, when Cha Jeonghan turned his head and made eye contact, the man behind him was startled and awkwardly greeted Cha Jeonghan. Cha Jeonghan also lightly bowed his head in greeting, then looked at me again.
“…Jeonghan-ah, please.”
“Fine. Okay. If you say to wait, I have to wait. I came all the way here to find and see you, so I have no choice but to lose.”
He turned around and went to sit in an area where there were no people, looking at the counter with his long legs crossed.
The gaze of the person who’d been waiting behind Cha Jeonghan and several people sitting in the cafe were now all directed at Cha Jeonghan. There was no way people wouldn’t recognize him sitting so boldly without even covering his face.
“…….”
“…….”
When I glanced that way feeling the stares, I made eye contact with him sitting motionlessly watching me. I just checked the time for no reason. It had been quite a while since time had passed this slowly.
I quickly brewed a cup of lavender tea, which is good for calming the mind, and brought it to him. Cha Jeonghan’s gaze moved following me as I moved.
“…Drink this. It’s lavender tea, remember you said it smelled good back then?”
“I don’t remember.”
“…….”
“I was waiting in front of the officetel and people have intuition, you know. I had this feeling like you’d never come. So I opened the door and it was cold.”
“…….”
“There was no warmth in the house.”
“…….”
“Not just because the house was empty, but it really felt like a house where no one lives. I thought there’s no way you’d be here. Because you’re warm.”
jesus 😭