Lovelorn v2c25

His low voice rang out not too loudly. Cha Jeonghan didn’t give even a glance to the tea placed in front of him and kept looking only at me.

“…What’s pretty about you thinking of running away?”

“…….”

“Go away. When it’s nine-thirty, close the door and come. I feel like I’ll start yelling if I keep talking now.”

Holding the empty tray, I came back to sit at the counter. Not even an hour was left, but time really passed so slowly. Feeling the gaze still directed at me, once it passed nine o’clock, I greeted the customers leaving the cafe and cleaned up their seats. And at exactly nine-thirty, I turned off the lights near the cafe door and locked it. Only after lowering all the blinds did I approach Cha Jeonghan and sit across from him.

“Should I… get you something else to drink?”

“I don’t need it.”

“…….”

“Just answer me. Why aren’t you answering the phone?”

“I felt like I shouldn’t answer.”

“Why?”

“…If I answered, we’d end up meeting, and if we met, I’d end up saying upsetting things to you again like last time. Also…. I was scared to answer because I thought you’d be angry.”

“You know I’m angry?”

“…I know.”

Cha Jeonghan adjusted his posture, lowered his head toward the table, then raised it and made eye contact. Since I’d turned off about half the lights in the store to indicate that business was over, it felt a bit dim.

“I’m used to people rejecting me. I’ve experienced it since I was young. So I have strong pride in that area.”

“…….”

“My parents who pushed me back and forth in front of me fighting over who didn’t want to take me, they never came looking for me even once after that. Why would they look for me? They left because they didn’t want me. If they left me behind, that’s the end. When someone abandons me, I abandon them too. Pathetically clinging on, asking why they abandoned me, crying and making a fuss… I really hate that stuff. It’s so pitiful. If I abandon them too, that’s it. It’s not like that person has to be there for me.”

“…….”

“But why can’t I do that with you?”

Cha Jeonghan lowered his head, holding it with both hands as if it was painful to speak. My throat felt tight and I was at a loss for words at each and every word he said.

“Looking at the empty officetel, I was really so angry I felt like I’d die. I wanted to get really angry at you. But still, yeah, given your situation, I guess it’s possible. You probably did it like that because if you told me, I wouldn’t let you go. I tried to understand and suppress it, suppress it again and again, but then the Department Head called.”

“…….”

“He said he barely managed to stop you from quitting…. Wow, I really thought Ji Yuhyeon is determined to completely disappear from me.”

“…….”

“You don’t answer calls, and I felt like I’d really die like this, so I called Yuju noona around lunch while I was filming earlier, and she said you’re at the cafe, asking if I didn’t know, but what could I say? You weren’t answering your phone, so I didn’t even know Noona went to Europe and called while she was sleeping.”

By now, Noona must have noticed that something was wrong with our relationship. She’d thought it was a bit strange since my birthday, and she must have been certain with the call Cha Jeonghan made this time.

“I know it would actually be easiest to say I think I love you and coax you. I also know that’s what would shake you the most. I know, but I need to know something for that too. I don’t know how to love, and I don’t know what kind of feeling it is when you’re in love. So I can’t even pretend to do that with you.”

“…….”

“So I won’t say I’ll try to love you. The fact that I said that when I don’t even know what to try or how was the problem in the first place.”

“…….”

“I won’t cling to you asking you to stay with me, and I won’t torment you by telling you not to go.”

In the time I hadn’t seen him, Cha Jeonghan seemed to have completely become an adult. He was telling me something completely different from what he’d said before. Those thoughts were even more surprising because they were answers that could only be encountered by approaching in a completely different direction from what Cha Jeonghan had been approaching before. I waited for the end he would speak. It was hard to speak, but it was even harder to listen. Strength entered my hands clasped together on my lap, making them tremble.

“I’m going to be with you.”

“…Huh?”

“Instead of throwing tantrums asking you to be with me, I’ll go to you and be there. All this time I always asked you to come to me, to stay with me. From now on, I’ll be there. I’ll move, I’ll come to you.”

“…….”

“So just stay there. Stop running away. Wherever you go, I’m going to keep looking for you. So let’s not waste each other’s energy.”

Cha Jeonghan always said things I hadn’t thought of. I naturally thought he’d speak of the end, but seeing Cha Jeonghan speak of the beginning in a direction I hadn’t even considered, I was again at a loss for words like a fool. There were many times I couldn’t find words to say in front of Cha Jeonghan.

“We spent the same time together. It’s not time that only you know about, I also spent that same time together with you.”

“…….”

“That same time we spent together is love for you, so there’s no way it’s just a simple emotion for me. When you looked at me, I looked at you too.”

“…What does that mean?”

“I think there’s something I don’t know. I want to know.”

“…….”

“While looking at you.”

Things hastily piled up any which way were bound to collapse easily. For me, it was my heart that I hastily piled up at the end to hide my love for Cha Jeonghan. After stacking carefully for 13 years so it wouldn’t collapse, I panicked and covered one spot, then covered it again, and covered it again on top of that, ultimately causing even what I’d stacked solidly to all collapse.

Today was the same. After confessing to Cha Jeonghan, scared of approaching the end alone, my composure that I’d built up while pretending to be okay collapsed with a loud noise at his unexpectedly mature words. In my devastated heart, I faced again my love that still shone brightly.

How could I not love you? Watching that face smiling at me, having already forgotten about being angry, I again couldn’t say anything for a long while like a fool.

Cha Jeonghan didn’t rush me and waited until I said something. Although he wasn’t the patient type so he must have been quite frustrated, he waited and waited again while repeatedly showing and hiding his anxious face. Feeling like I shouldn’t torture him any longer, I opened my mouth even though my thoughts were still all jumbled.

“How did you come to think that way? Honestly…. I never thought you’d think like that.”

“I didn’t know either, but you said it. You asked what I’d do if it doesn’t work even after trying. When I heard that… it was kind of a shock. I hadn’t thought that far. You know me. When I fixate on something, I can’t see anything else. I only see what I want to see, and I try to think only on the positive side. In the end, I can’t rest until I’ve done everything I want to do.”

“……”

“This time, it seems like that was turning your heart around. I’ll turn it around no matter what, I can do it. Since that kind of thinking was at the center, I pushed forward recklessly. And you went along with it when I pushed.”

“I didn’t go along with it. Because what you said was right… we went together.”

Cha Jeonghan rested his elbow on the table, propped his chin on one hand, and tilted his head crookedly.

“That’s why I can’t let you go.”

“……”

“People say I’m stubborn, that I’m reckless, that I should grow up, but you listen to me and say my words make sense too.”

“…Because I know you’re not someone who does things without reason.”

“Right, others don’t even try to understand those reasons, but you know everything even when I don’t say it.”

“……”

“I hope you understand now too. The reason I keep coming to find you.”

His playful expression had disappeared into a serious face, and it was a bit embarrassing to meet his eyes, so I lowered my gaze slightly. I saw Cha Jeonghan, who had been sitting across from me, get up from his seat and move to sit in the chair next to me. With his boyish face grinning as he broke the seriousness, he tilted his face below mine as I looked down.

Startled by his face suddenly popping up below mine, I raised my head, and Cha Jeonghan laughed aloud. He pulled his chair close so our legs brushed against each other occasionally. I tried not to move while keeping my legs together.

“Don’t look down.”

“……”

“Look at me, Yuhyeon-ah. I came to see you. Show me your face.”

“……”

“I missed you. Without you, I don’t even want to go home. The house is empty, the officetel is empty… you won’t answer your phone, and I stayed all night at the officetel after you left.”

My heart clenched tight at his words that he had stayed all night alone in that cold and frighteningly desolate place. I couldn’t believe that he, who didn’t like being alone in such places, had stayed there all night, leaving his bright and warm home behind. It hurt even more because I had thought he would naturally go home after confirming I wasn’t there.

“Why did you do that…? Weren’t you scared? You must have been cold.”

“I wanted to know. What it feels like to be without you.”

“……”

“My heart became completely empty too. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it, and I was scared. After seeing you really disappear from before my eyes, I felt like I was really going crazy, I was so angry I could go mad… but I was scared. Really.”