After buying this officetel, Jeonghan led me to his house every day, telling me this was just storage, worried I might become attached to this place. Whenever I came here to sleep or stay, he’d always call to ask where I was and even pretend to be sick to make me leave.
So I had no great attachment to this officetel. As Jeonghan wanted, I spent most of all my time at Jeonghan’s house, and this place was truly just ‘the officetel Jeonghan had prepared,’ where I stored my things and occasionally came to clean and rest.
“……”
Because I had no such attachment, I thought I could leave easily. But when I actually tried to leave this place, memories that, though not many, I could never forget in my lifetime pulled at me.
The image of Jeonghan waiting for me in front of the house and the memory of having sex with Jeonghan in that room, on that bed, were so vivid. Those eyes looking at me and the warmth covering my body, the trembling that made me pull him into an embrace even though I was embarrassed to death. How could I forget that moment when we first faced each other’s unfamiliar sides? I stood in the entrance and stared at the bedroom where only the lights were off and coldness remained for a long time.
Not a single one was a bad memory. Jeonghan was like that to me. All the memories with him that happened in this place were precious to me.
“……”
If I stayed a bit longer, I felt like I’d want to go into the bedroom one more time, so I quickly left the house. As the door closed behind me, my heart sank.
* * *
The room inside the cafe wasn’t very spacious, but it was enough to live in alone. Not having the energy to unpack, I brought the suitcases inside and sat on the edge of the bed in one corner. For the time being, I wanted to spend time concentrating only on work instead of my older sister. If I lived busily, the occasions to think of Jeonghan would decrease, and I’d be able to collapse on the bed at night and fall asleep easily. I thought that if days just passed and accumulated like that, maybe things would get a little better.
Tomorrow I was supposed to meet the Department Head in the evening. I knew roughly from hearing from Dongyun hyung, but since he said it would be good to talk directly, I made an appointment to meet briefly when the cafe afternoon part-timer came. I was already worried because it seemed like the words to completely quit wouldn’t come out easily.
As I worried about whether I should tell Jeonghan that I’d left the house or if it was better to just stay still until he found out on his own, I leaned my body against the bed, postponing thoughts due to an oncoming headache.
It was the first night where I felt truly distant from Jeonghan.
* * *
“Yuhyeon-ah, let’s think about it one more time.”
The Department Head pleaded with me. He said that while he could get a new manager easily if it was just any manager, it was impossible to find a manager who could stop and soothe Jeonghan and who Jeonghan could lean on, so he tried to dissuade me from wanting to quit.
“Honestly, you know Jeonghan better than I do. He has so much pride that he absolutely doesn’t show it, but he gets shaken so easily over whatever upsets him so much.”
“……”
“When Jeonghan first joined our agency and started activities, he was really struggling. He looked like he had no place to put his heart. We tried pairing him with a manager his age, and attached a manager older than Dongyun so he could rely on him like a hyung, but it was useless. He seemed somehow anxious, unstable?”
This was a story I was hearing for the first time. After Jeonghan started his acting career and before he came to find me asking me to stay with him, I didn’t know Jeonghan’s time. I could only guess it must have been very hard, but I didn’t properly know how hard it was and how much it hurt.
“So one day I called him in and asked. I asked if he wanted to quit and he said no. He said he didn’t want to end work that he’d decided on and started like this.”
“……”
“So I asked what would help him concentrate and do well, and he said he had one friend.”
“……”
“Right, you. He said he’d been friends since high school and that he thought he needed to have that friend, that without that friend he felt like he was left alone in the world, and I thought what should I do about this. That friend must be living his own life, but I couldn’t bring him and ask him to take care of Jeonghan.”
“……”
“So I told him to just bring you somehow. To bring you by any means necessary. A few days later, he brought you.”
I recalled Jeonghan who came to find me in front of my house and waited for me unconditionally for three hours.
‘I can’t do it without you.’
Even before hearing those words, I’d been ready to listen to all of Jeonghan’s words. The fact that he, who had seemed distant, was in front of me was enough.
‘I’m anxious without you.’
‘……’
‘I can’t live without you. I can’t do anything alone.’
‘……’
‘Stay with me.’
At that time, I couldn’t think deeply about how much loneliness and anxiety were contained in those words. My heart was too narrow to even think about just the one thing – that I was a needed existence to Jeonghan.
“Right, I understand. Yuhyeon, you can’t just take care of Jeonghan forever either. Jeonghan has really become much stronger compared to before, and these days he’s been doing well with Dongyun, saying you’re having a hard time.”
“…Yes.”
“Even if not every day, couldn’t you help just when Jeonghan needs it once in a while, at times when it has to be you?”
“……”
“Did you fight with Jeonghan by any chance? Did you become people who won’t see each other again on bad terms?”
I was momentarily at a loss for words. I wondered if I should tell the Department Head that we had fought and that maybe we might not see each other again, but it seemed better not to say anything after all. There was no need for others to know deeply about what was between us.
“Ah…. It’s not that we fought or anything…. Now that Jeonghan is doing well with Dongyun hyung even without me, I thought I could quit this work now, so I’m telling you before it’s too late.”
“Then think of it as working two jobs, do the work you want to do while helping Jeonghan once in a while when he really needs you. Is this all finished discussing with Jeonghan?”
“…He knows, but he doesn’t know I’m meeting you like this yet.”
“There is something going on. Did Jeonghan upset you?”
“…It’s not Jeonghan, I’m the one upsetting Jeonghan.”
“This is serious. If he finds out I met you separately and am talking like this, he’ll make a fuss at me too. I’m definitely holding onto you right now, right? I’m not firing you or anything, right? When Jeonghan asks later, I have to say I didn’t.”
“…Yes.”
After taking a sip of coffee, the Department Head asked once more if I couldn’t help at least when Jeonghan’s mental care was truly needed, even if not every day. I ultimately couldn’t refuse the Department Head’s words. It was for Jeonghan, not for the Department Head. From the beginning, I was the one who decided to do this work, and having done this work until now, I thought I should take at least minimal responsibility.
The Department Head stood up from his seat after confirming several times, as if worried I’d change my words. I greeted the Department Head who was seeing me off and left the agency. The January night wind, which had become even more biting, covered my face.
