So we ate dinner together. To replace the dinner we couldn’t eat last time, and also to ease his heart that we couldn’t do anything together on my birthday, and also because it was the last day of the year that held everything about us.
It was a very quiet and also very… wonderful dinner that made me think it might be the last.
We didn’t finish all the food, but unlike last time when we couldn’t touch anything, we ate enough to say we had a meal together. Dessert remained, but we left the restaurant. Cha Jeonghan drove me to my officetel, quietly lost in thought. I just needed to say be careful going home and get out, but those words lingered around my mouth and wouldn’t come out.
“Everything you said was wrong.”
“…….”
“You got it wrong. It’s a misunderstanding. What must you think of me to say such things? I’ve never thought like that.”
“…….”
“I want to keep saying this. I want to say it’s not true, but I can’t say it because not all of it is wrong. I feel wronged too because there are things that aren’t true to say it’s all right.”
Emotions mixed in occasionally between his calm voice. Cha Jeonghan kept looking ahead as he spoke. I looked at Cha Jeonghan’s profile like that.
“Is it love that you feel nervous and fluttering even looking at me acting like that?”
“…….”
“…Is it okay for love to be miserable? Is it love that you can hold me and face me even with those thoughts?”
“…….”
“I really don’t know what love is. I really don’t know what I have to do or how to have that kind of love. I don’t even understand you.”
“It’s because everyone is different. You might not be able to understand.”
“To think I was whining and clinging to you like that. I’m so embarrassed I could die.”
Cha Jeonghan, who had pressed his forehead against the steering wheel and lifted it, turned his head toward me. It was the first time we made eye contact since I spoke aloud about Cha Jeonghan’s feelings on his behalf.
“I’ll think about it again.”
“…….”
“If I can be with you, I’ll reconsider love too and learn about it.”
“…Don’t do that. Jeonghan-ah. You don’t have to love me. You don’t need to go through that difficulty. I hate it when you go through hardship because of me, remembering things that are painful to recall.”
“…….”
“This happened because I had feelings I shouldn’t have had for you, not because you don’t know love, don’t believe in it… or don’t love me.”
“…….”
“You’ve done nothing wrong. So let’s grow distant slowly. I know we can’t become people who don’t see each other overnight like this. When you really need me, I’ll be with you. You do well without me now, and if we slowly continue like this, it’ll become familiar. And then it’ll become natural.”
Jeonghan let out a pained breath and said in a suppressed voice, his forehead against the steering wheel again, his face buried.
“Get out.”
“…Jeonghan-ah.”
“Get used to it? Make it natural? Distance ourselves slowly? What are you going to do if I say I need you every day? Are you going to come like you’re doing charity work to soothe me like I’m some mental patient, watch me work, take me home and leave?”
A somewhat loud voice rang through the car. Seeing Jeonghan speak harshly in anger made me feel bad.
“Don’t talk like that.”
“Why, you can say let’s end it, let’s distance ourselves, we’re not friends, we’re nothing, but I can’t talk like this? I’m trying! I’m trying until I know what your heart is, what your love is!”
“Does that work through effort?”
I’d been trying to hold back, but at the word “effort,” the words I’d been suppressing the whole time burst out. I knew that raising our voices equally wouldn’t solve anything, but I really couldn’t suppress it anymore.
“I can try not to love you. I can try to forget you! I can think other thoughts through effort! Even with that effort, I can’t forget you, that feeling of loving you won’t go away, so right now we’re talking in parallel lines like this and hurting each other! But that can become duller with effort, with effort and time passing.”
“……”
“But you’re going to love me through effort? How are you going to try? You’re going to try based on the fact that it was okay when we slept together? You’re saying let’s stay together for now, thinking that if you match me and consider my feelings, something will happen somehow.”
“Right, is that wrong? We can think while staying together, and things might change while looking at you.”
“What if we try and it doesn’t work?”
“……”
“What if we stay together and put in all the effort we can, but to you I’m still just a friend? If I don’t make your heart race, don’t make it flutter, then what will you do?”
Seeing Jeonghan unable to answer at all, something very sharp descended in my head and slashed across my heart in one stroke. I hated this situation where I had to deliberately imagine Jeonghan who couldn’t love me even with effort.
“Will you be honest then?”
“……”
“Say you tried but it didn’t work?”
“……”
“Or will you hide it because I might get hurt? Tell me to wait a bit longer because you’re still trying?”
“……”
“Then what am I supposed to do then…. I would have come to love you more, I would have come to love you so much that I couldn’t escape you at all, so what do I do then?”
My vision scattered into a mess. I raised my hand and roughly rubbed around my eyes and unfastened the seatbelt crossing my body.
“I’m running away in advance because I’m scared to face that.”
“……”
“…I’m running away, Jeonghan-ah.”
“……”
If I stayed here like this, I felt like I’d show all the sides of me I didn’t want to show, so I closed my eyes and let out a long breath. As the breath flowed out, my chin trembled.
“…Drive carefully.”
“……”
“Take care.”
I got out of the car just like that and walked as if running away. I left the parking lot, got on the elevator, barely pressed the floor I needed to go to, and leaned my back against it. My whole body was trembling and I was breaking out in cold sweat.
Since getting to know Jeonghan, we’d never fought raising our voices this loudly. We’d had little bickering arguments, but they never lasted even a few minutes, and we’d always smiled and resolved them right there.
Of course, to others this level wouldn’t be considered a fight, but because we’d never raised our voices even this much, it was a bit devastating. The fact that the first time I raised my voice was about my love made it even more so.
I entered the dark house and carelessly laid my body on the bed. When I closed my eyes, all the words I’d said to Jeonghan became weapons and rushed at me. I knew I’d be hurt by my own words too, but I didn’t know it would hurt this much.
‘I’m trying until I know what your heart is, what your love is!’
Jeonghan’s voice rang endlessly in my ears. I curled up my body and desperately tried to run away from today that had ended in complete ruin. I wanted to run away before today ended, before the year passed. But I couldn’t escape Jeonghan at all until midnight passed and a new year began.
3.
Even after several days of the new year passed, there was no contact from Jeonghan. He didn’t come to the house, and he didn’t send messages. I wasn’t comfortable at the thought that he must have become completely fed up with me, but at the same time, I thought it was fortunate.
I sorted out only the luggage I could take to my older sister’s cafe into two suitcases, and moved everything else that needed to be stored to a storage warehouse. Since I didn’t have much luggage, it didn’t take long to take it all out and move it. Looking at the house that only had the furniture Jeonghan had put in and the original items remaining, it somehow felt like I was seeing Jeonghan’s heart, and my eyes kept burning.
If I moved the luggage into the cafe room while my older sister was there, she’d ask what happened to the house I’d been living in, and in that process, she’d likely notice that something had happened between Jeonghan and me, so I decided to move the luggage after my older sister left the country. Since she’d be leaving the country tomorrow morning, I could just move the luggage at the cafe’s closing time today.
From my older sister, who had an extremely excited face ahead of her departure, I learned a few things I absolutely needed to know when doing cafe work and important things. Since I’d helped with work quite often, I was confident about most of it, but there were a few points I shouldn’t get confused about when making certain drinks, so I concentrated on listening to those parts. My older sister thanked me several times, saying she was truly grateful.
I helped my older sister work together during the day, and sent her in first thinking she’d have a lot to prepare. Before leaving, my older sister pulled me into an embrace and patted my back and shoulders, staying for a moment. I was somewhat comforted by my older sister’s touch.
I sent in the part-timer who was closing first and stayed alone to close the cafe. Since my older sister wouldn’t need to stop by the cafe in the morning, I quickly went to the officetel and came out to the entrance pulling the two suitcases that were sitting alone in the room. I put on my shoes and now I just needed to leave… but my feet wouldn’t move easily.
‘This is just your storage, storage. I didn’t buy this for you to live well here, it’s a house where you store your stuff and occasionally come to rest anytime when I’m not around. Got it? Your home isn’t here, it’s the house where I am, that’s your home. Don’t forget.’
