“Right. Getting angry won’t solve it. Then what should I do? Should I drag you to your house and lock you up in some room? I can’t help it. I can’t be without you, and you keep drawing lines with me like this.”
The angry Jeonghan’s words flowed out quickly. Amid that, I looked at Jeonghan’s coat that had fallen to the floor at the sound of a vibration. Jeonghan must have heard that sound too, as he irritably picked up the coat and took out his phone.
“Yeah, hyung. What’s going on?”
It seemed a call had come from Dongyun hyung. Jeonghan’s face was colored with annoyance as he quietly listened to the contents.
“Why should I re-record because they lost it? Tell them I can’t. No, whether they already promoted it saying I’d do it or not, what does that have to do with me? I did everything I was supposed to do, and they’re the ones who lost it, so why do I have to go there now and do it again, why?”
It seemed there was a problem with work. Jeonghan closed his eyes and let out a sigh as if suppressing his anger.
“No, do I look like I’m in the mood to go and talk about penguins or whatever right now? And hyung, I can’t go right now. I have things to resolve, and I don’t have the luxury to think about what happens to the penguins right now.”
From the mention of penguins, it seemed there was a problem with the documentary voice file he recorded last time. Knowing that the thing Jeonghan needed to resolve was the matter with me, I couldn’t just sit still listening, so I moved my body a little and approached Jeonghan.
“Is there a problem with the recording file?”
At my question, Jeonghan looked at me with an extremely annoyed face. Though it was a sensitive expression, the voice that reached me seemed to be trying not to mix in irritation, sounding suppressed.
“Yeah, they say they lost it and are asking me to come urgently and do it now.”
“The broadcast is only a few days away. It’s a famous documentary so people’s expectations are high, and it’s already been fully promoted that you’re doing it…. It’s more beneficial for you. Later, people will definitely say things behind the scenes like ‘there was this incident but he readily re-recorded and did even better.’ It’s good for your image too. You know how fast such talk spreads at the broadcasting station.”
“Do I look like I’m in the mood to go and go on about penguins right now?”
“Your mood… what would make it better?”
“……”
“Hm? Jeonghan-ah.”
Jeonghan, who looked at me with slightly softened eyes, thought for a moment and then looked at me again.
“Have dinner with me.”
“……”
“Last time you left like that and we couldn’t eat together, and we spent your birthday like that too. And today is also the last day of the year.”
“…Dinner….”
“Is it such a difficult thing? Is having a meal with me already something you need to even worry about?”
“No. Okay. Let’s eat together.”
After hearing my answer, Jeonghan lifted the phone he’d been pressing against the bed to prevent sound from being heard and put it back to his ear. Watching Jeonghan say he’d get ready and go, I finally felt relieved.
“Now you’re satisfied, right? Ah, I said I’d do it because of you…. Do you know how hard that really is?”
“I know…. But you did well to agree. It will definitely come back to you as something good.”
Jeonghan, who got up from the bed, looked down at me. When I pulled the blanket to cover my body a bit for no reason, he let out a short breath and said as if lamenting.
“I wish that time when being together was so natural for us would come back.”
“……”
“What I really need isn’t some good story about me circulating at the broadcasting station, or a good image.”
“……”
“It’s you.”
“……”
“Don’t say you don’t know. You know too, which is why you’re still appeasing me and sending me to re-record.”
I watched him enter the bathroom, then pulled the blanket together and buried my face in it. Maybe because I’d done the two most impulsive things in my life, my head was too complicated. But even in that complicated head, ultimately, there was only one thing at the center. Cha Jeonghan.
“……”
Right now, because of the habit-like days of thirteen years we’d spent together existing so firmly in him, he would think he couldn’t be without me. Leaning his loneliness on me, telling me things he couldn’t say to others, Jeonghan trusted me completely. He gave me such absolute faith that he would say he liked me more than himself.
Though he should rightfully feel betrayed by me, he didn’t put the word betrayal on his lips, and was only telling me to stay by his side, saying he’d do everything I wanted. Perhaps it sounded like a good thing for me, but a relationship that continued like that could never last long.
A friend of thirteen years who had even had sex could no longer bear the name of friend. Naturally, we couldn’t bear the name of lovers with one-sided love either, and we would ultimately remain as an actor and manager who were very close, so close that we’d even had sex.
Jeonghan would at first treat me comfortably as a friend like before, and I would try to do the same. But having already come to know everything, that emotion would inevitably be revealed at some point within our time together. Even if Jeonghan thoroughly pretended not to know that emotion, I would be hurt, and even if he showed consideration by appropriately accepting my feelings, I would ultimately be hurt. Jeonghan would become conscious of me watching him like that, and our words would inevitably decrease.
When conversation decreased and our time together decreased, there would no longer be any need to be together. I didn’t want to go through such a process. From the moment I confessed, our name as friends had cracked, and that dawn when I had sex with Jeonghan who came to me holding those cracked pieces so they wouldn’t shatter… those pieces scattered beyond repair.
“……”
We were no longer friends.
Thinking it would be a bit embarrassing to face Jeonghan when he came out after washing, I went completely under the blanket and pretended to sleep. Jeonghan, who had no hesitation about anything and was always confident, seemed no different from before even on this morning. But I couldn’t treat Jeonghan comfortably. Honestly, just being naked in the same room like this made it so I couldn’t properly collect my thoughts.
“Are you sleeping?”
I heard Jeonghan’s voice from behind me. I didn’t move and endured a bit with my eyes closed. Jeonghan approached and pulled up the blanket to cover me up to my shoulders. As if knowing I wasn’t sleeping, he gently ruffled through my hair and touched it, then the sound of Jeonghan moving away from the bed was heard. I curled up my body more and burrowed completely into the blanket. In the blanket where I hid wanting to be more comfortable, I could smell Jeonghan’s scent. That warm, heart-racing scent that had been all over me until dawn, making it impossible to collect my thoughts.
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
“…Yeah.”
When I answered because it seemed more embarrassing to keep pretending to sleep to him who clearly knew I wasn’t sleeping, the sound of Jeonghan coming closer was heard. At the feeling of him sitting on the edge of the bed, my heart also lurched.
“I’ll let you know roughly what time I’ll be done in the middle. I’ll call when I’m leaving too.”
“Okay.”
“I’m leaving, so rest comfortably. Should I buy you lunch before I go?”
“…You don’t have to. I’ll eat on my own.”
“Okay. Make sure you eat.”
After gently stroking my head again, the sound of Jeonghan getting up and moving was heard. The sound of the hair dryer came, and the sound of him changing clothes too. Listening to the rustling sounds of him moving, it felt just like this was daily life.
“I’m heading out. See you later.”
“…Yeah.”
Only after he left the room and a little later the sound of the front door opening and closing was heard did the tension leave my shoulders. Facing the perfect silence, thoughts rushed in and my heavy eyelids came down.
Only after being left alone did the events of dawn rush in with various emotions, but I didn’t want to think about it now. Because I knew that even if I thought long and hard again and again, ultimately there was only one conclusion I could reach.
‘I wish that time when being together was so natural for us would come back.’
Having heard a confession of love from an old friend, and even heard him say he wanted to sleep with me, Jeonghan was still saying the same thing. Even though we’d even had sex at dawn that friends couldn’t do, there was absolutely no change. How could that be? Jeonghan’s unwavering heart was grateful, but on the other hand, I couldn’t quite understand it.
‘What I really need isn’t some good story about me circulating at the broadcasting station, or a good image.’
I felt like I now somewhat understood why people had shaken their heads at the two of us, saying we were excessive. Even though things that couldn’t happen between friends, and that would naturally break that name of friendship if they did happen, had occurred one after another, Jeonghan’s words that he couldn’t lose me were clearly different from an ordinary reaction.
‘It’s you.’
I might be replacing Jeonghan’s parents’ place. I also knew that losing me, his only friend he believed in and relied on in his life, was an extremely frightening thing for him. That’s why I felt even more sorry and more guilty toward Jeonghan. That’s why I hated myself for being swayed by his words and blurting out impulsive things.
Thinking it would be better to just sleep without thinking about anything, I closed my eyes. Complex thoughts wandered around here and there in my head, knocking about, so I couldn’t fall asleep easily. I tossed and turned several times, and ultimately sat up at his scent filling the bedding.
Rather than trying to sleep when sleep wouldn’t come, it seemed better to collect my thoughts and do something. When I sat up completely, strange, peculiar pains were felt here and there in my body. Especially deep between my legs felt a bit burning. Knowing it was inevitable, I deliberately pretended not to notice and entered the bathroom to wash my body. Every time the warm water touched me, I kept spacing out as I recalled Jeonghan covering my body, kissing here and there, and penetrating me at dawn.
