While washing, I was startled at the feeling of something flowing out from between my legs and looked to find it was Jeonghan’s semen. Honestly, maybe because I hadn’t thought at all about this kind of cleanup, I stopped for a while and just stared at what was on my hand. Returning to dawn again, I recalled Jeonghan’s warmth and movements covering my whole body and how he’d ejaculated inside me several times, and only then reached the conclusion that I needed to clean up. I expelled everything that was inside. Putting my fingers inside myself was an extremely difficult and hard thing, so it took a long time.
After washing, I stripped all the bed sheets, blankets, and pillow covers and put them in the washing machine. I also opened the windows wide and pulled back all the blinds to face the light pouring into the house. It felt like the light wasn’t illuminating my exterior but was illuminating all of my messed-up interior. As if scolding me to look well, to see me being swept up by impulses while knowing and pretending not to know under such bright light, I couldn’t stay there long either.
Having come home late and having that incident at dawn too, I felt fatigue quickly even with just a little movement. I closed the window and sat on the sofa blankly looking at the pitch-black television screen when suddenly the scene of Jeonghan’s award I saw at the restaurant came to mind. I’d been thinking I should go home and properly watch that scene again anyway, but I’d completely forgotten because of actually encountering Jeonghan. I quickly brought my laptop, accessed the portal site, and searched for Jeonghan’s name.
Jeonghan’s award scene was uploaded as a clip with tremendous views. Maybe because I recalled how Jeonghan had particularly many worries when filming this drama, I felt tense even though I already knew he’d received the award when I pressed it.
Impressive drama scenes of the Best Actor male candidates passed by, and the previous year’s Best Actor award winner called out Jeonghan’s name loudly. Many people stood up to congratulate and rejoice in Jeonghan’s award. The sight of him going up on stage with a smiling face and confidently receiving the trophy and bouquet was wonderful, so I rewound it several times.
<Thank you.>
Jeonghan, standing in front of the stand microphone, looked at the trophy once and then looked ahead. That face saying thank you was exactly the face that had uniquely sparkled in the noisy restaurant yesterday.
<I learned many things while doing this work. I started acting knowing nothing, and was lucky enough to receive more praise than scolding while acting. I also thought I received such praise because I worked hard. But while doing this work, I thought that it wasn’t because I was great that I received praise.>
Jeonghan’s sincerity was felt in his serious face and low voice. It was so wonderful that I hadn’t seen it in person that regret kept following me.
<I learned that it doesn’t work just because I alone work hard and do well. There are many staff members who always work hard in visible places and invisible places, which is why a wonderful work that is smooth in every aspect and corner is completed, and I truly realized this.>
Various incidents that occurred until Jeonghan, who started knowing nothing, became such a wonderful actor receiving everyone’s recognition came to mind, and my heart swelled. There must have been many unbearable moments, but I was truly relieved and grateful that he endured and persevered.
<I dedicate this glory to all the staff members who worked day and night for the work, and to all the viewers who watched the work. I will become an actor who communicates and harmonizes with everyone, not an arrogant actor.>
Seeing Jeonghan speak so well alone like that made me feel like I really wasn’t needed anymore. Even though I already knew Jeonghan was an actor and had watched him for so long, there were times like this when I felt him distantly, truly as the actor Cha Jeonghan.
<To my agency members who always help me enjoy acting comfortably, to manager Dongyun hyung who always works hard, thank you always. To my grandfather and grandmother who will be happy hearing this news, thank you very much.>
I felt relieved at the final greeting that followed. Though Jeonghan doesn’t visit them often, I was truly relieved that he didn’t forget to greet his grandparents who always worry about him.
<Lastly….>
I thought the previous greeting was the last, but Jeonghan brought up the topic once more.
<I want to tell my friend Yuhyeon, who has always walked with me for a long time so I can walk looking ahead, that I’m truly grateful. Thank you.>
Jeonghan, who smiled looking at me in the screen, bowed in greeting. The video ended, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen that had turned black. I thought it might have been better not to watch this. No, if I had seen this yesterday… if I had heard this sound, I wouldn’t have impulsively brought up wanting to sleep with Jeonghan.
Was it a problem that I didn’t see this yesterday? Was it a problem that I saw this now? I felt regretful about something but couldn’t even tell what I was regretful about. One thing for certain was that this wasn’t something to drag on being swayed like this the whole time. I closed the laptop, suppressing the desire to replay it.
Jeonghan, who sent a message around five o’clock saying it would be over soon, called at five-thirty saying he was leaving. And a little past six o’clock, he sent a message saying he was about to enter the parking lot so come down. Since I’d been preparing to leave from the time he first sent a message, I took one last look in the mirror and then left the house.
When I went down, the van came in and stopped in front. Jeonghan got out of the van and greeted Dongyun hyung. I greeted Dongyun hyung, who was looking at me with worried eyes, as if nothing was wrong and sent off the car. Jeonghan took out the key, opened the door of the car he always kept parked in this officetel parking lot in case of emergency, and looked at me.
“Let’s go.”
“Yeah.”
Jeonghan got in the car, started the engine, and looked at me. The sound of the seatbelt buckle clicking together rang especially loudly in the silence.
“How’s your body?”
“…I’m fine.”
“Did you rest a bit?”
“…Yeah.”
“That’s a relief.”
It was quite an awkward conversation. With his words of relief marking the end, the car started moving. Cha Jeonghan drove the car to a different restaurant, not the one where I had confessed last time. Just like that hotel, a VVIP representative had already come out and was waiting for Cha Jeonghan.
We didn’t say anything to each other until we entered a very quiet room with a nice night view inside the restaurant. Only when the representative congratulated him on winning the award and said things like well-wishes to finish the year well and welcome the new one nicely did Cha Jeonghan respond briefly to break the atmosphere.
The place was different, but it was a similar situation to last time. I watched Cha Jeonghan greet the staff member who took his coat and sit down, ordering skillfully. Even if I sorted everything out today, I would continue to see Cha Jeonghan throughout my life. I’d see him at bus stops, and in dramas, commercials, magazines—places where I’d encounter him even without intending to. It would be unfortunate for my efforts to forget, but thinking about my love for him, it was truly fortunate.
“How was the re-recording?”
“I was going to say something, but everyone was so apologetic and grateful that I just did it again on good terms. I think I did better than last time.”
“Good job. Really, now you can do all this well even without me.”
“Is that what you wanted to ask? That I can do well without you now, so let’s end everything—friends and all? We haven’t even been sitting that long. Are you in that much of a rush to say those words?”
Cha Jeonghan was right. We hadn’t been sitting here that long, and the food order had just gone in. It might have been better to circle around this kind of talk a bit more and say it when the atmosphere was more relaxed than now. But I was in a hurry. I had understood all too clearly from dawn until before coming here that my feelings wouldn’t end easily.
“Yeah. I’m in a bit of a rush. When I’m with you like this, I don’t think I can… sort out my feelings. What I’ve been sorting out and sorting out again when I’m alone all goes back to square one when I face you. Only my love for you remains.”
“You can just keep loving me. Why do you keep worrying about a future that hasn’t even happened? Whatever happens, we can talk about it again then.”
“It’s not that easy for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t maintain my position as a friend until the end, and I threw a bomb at you but you don’t get angry—instead, every time I see you understanding me and telling me to stay by your side, I feel so guilty I’m going crazy.”
“You don’t have to be my friend.”
Cha Jeonghan’s words were a bit shocking. I never expected him, who valued friendship most and relied on my existence as a friend, to say that I didn’t have to be his friend. I forgot all the words I was about to say and just stared blankly at his face.
“Right. Like you said, where are there friends who have sex? There are no friends who say they want to sleep together, and no friends who hear that and say, ‘Okay, let’s sleep together.’ So if we can no longer be friends…. Yeah, you don’t have to be my friend. Just stay by my side.”
“…….”
“You’ll think I’m being unreasonable, whining and begging, but I’m serious. More serious than ever.”
“…….”
“I feel like I’m at a crossroads between life and death.”
“…….”
“It was like that back then too. I wanted to die because of my parents and people, but I had to go to high school, so I went and everything was annoying, I had no thoughts, just killing time, when the class president who had never even talked to me once came and called my name.”
“…….”
“Jeonghan-ah.”
“…….”
“Hey, not ‘Cha Jeonghan,’ but ‘Jeonghan-ah.'”
“…….”
“It wasn’t giving me a gift or asking to do something together, just asking me to fill out a participation form. It wasn’t even a big deal, just those ordinary words, those everyday words that everyone except me had already adapted to—you said them to me for the first time.”
Even though I knew nothing about his situation at the time and only knew him as a really handsome guy who was very popular but didn’t care much about that sort of thing, I remembered that looking at Cha Jeonghan’s back, he seemed very lonely. Everyone was watching Cha Jeonghan’s reactions and couldn’t approach him.
“With those words, I felt like I could trust you. I wanted to trust you, wanted to get close to you. I felt like being with you would be good, like I wouldn’t get hurt.”
“…….”
