“Even if you’re saying goodbye, do it after hearing my answer.”
“……”
Cha Jeonghan took the coat I was holding, threw it carelessly to the floor again, and came a bit closer. I looked at him without being able to breathe for a moment, feeling my back against the wardrobe and Cha Jeonghan’s body touching in front of mine.
“Okay.”
“……”
“Let’s sleep together.”
“…What?”
Cha Jeonghan, who was looking at me asking again, tilted his head instead of answering. The moment I thought he was pouring onto me, our lips locked. My lips parted, and the moment something hot was about to dig in, I pushed his shoulder firmly. Jeonghan was pushed back obediently and looked at me from one step back. Thinking those lips had just touched me, my ears grew hot.
“…Cha Jeonghan.”
“I can do everything you want too.”
“……”
“Don’t push me away. Next time I won’t be pushed.”
Cha Jeonghan, who reminded me that he hadn’t been pushed away by my strength but had stepped back on his own, took another big step closer. It was absurd. That Cha Jeonghan in his right mind, not drunk, would approach this close, press his body against mine, and tilt his head—this was truly absurd.
“……”
“……”
Our eyes met at such a close distance that our breaths could mix. For me, having been like this with a drunk Cha Jeonghan before, it wasn’t such an unfamiliar thing, but for Cha Jeonghan, it would be difficult. Even at this moment, I worried about him trying to do something difficult out of stubbornness.
“…Even now……”
The words that he could stop fell apart at the same moment Cha Jeonghan touched me. The moment our lips properly locked and parted, my shoulders hunched. Cha Jeonghan held my lips, sucking them in as if swallowing, then dug into my parted mouth. The moment our tongue tips rubbed slightly, various parts of my body tingled. My head was too dizzy and I felt like I’d die, so I pushed his shoulders away, but Cha Jeonghan didn’t budge at all, just as he’d told me beforehand.
The kiss shared drunkenly felt a bit different. Unlike then, Cha Jeonghan felt a bit stiff. Knowing it was natural that he couldn’t softly accept the current situation of kissing his friend of 13 years while completely sober, I still wanted to run away from here. I didn’t want to confirm in this way that Cha Jeonghan didn’t love me.
As I tried to untangle our touching, entwined tongues and turn my head away, our lips locked even deeper as if my breath was being stolen. Cha Jeonghan slowly rubbed my tongue while raising his hand. The moment his hand cupped my cheek, I felt like I’d collapse, so I grabbed his arm.
My cheek and tongue were rubbed together. It was a touch slightly different from when he’d usually touch my face carelessly or playfully. With one cheek completely cupped in his hand, Cha Jeonghan slowly moved his thumb to caress my cheek. It felt exactly like he was soothing me, so I couldn’t do this or that, just standing there holding him. Cha Jeonghan pulled his lips from mine and exhaled breath that had gotten a bit hot.
“Did I… do this with you before too?”
“……”
I’d never thought I’d receive this kind of question, so I didn’t know what answer I should give. I quietly shook my head.
“It feels strange.”
“……”
“I thought there was nothing I hadn’t done with you until now.”
“…You don’t need to push yourself. I know you hate losing to anyone…. But this isn’t something you can do out of stubbornness. I know it’s impossible for you. Since you asked… I just said it.”
I thought Cha Jeonghan would understand enough, so I pushed his body away again. But Cha Jeonghan didn’t budge at all again.
“I told you I won’t be pushed.”
“Jeonghan-ah.”
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
“……”
“You’re really warm.”
“……”
“That’s why it feels strange. Because you’re so warm.”
“……”
“I like it.”
I was always swayed by Cha Jeonghan’s words of liking things he said to me. Though I knew the “like” he spoke of wasn’t love, his honest expressions he voiced always gave me both fluttering and wounds simultaneously.
“If you… if you say things like this, keep doing this, I really… I endured before, but now it’s hard to endure. I keep misunderstanding. I misinterpret, I get hopeful alone. I know you’re not saying these things with the same feelings as me. I know, but…. Even knowing, I misunderstand, misinterpret while hoping. So don’t do that…. Let’s stop now.”
“I’ll listen to everything else, but I can’t listen to stopping. You think I waited until now to hear you tell me to stop?”
“Then what on earth do you want to do? I told you everything about why it won’t work.”
“Think about that later. Right now, think about me.”
“……”
“I’ll only think about you too.”
Along with the fluttering that spread shamelessly and quickly, heat rose to my ears. I couldn’t properly look at Cha Jeonghan’s eyes looking at me. I could feel heat rising to my face too, so I avoided his gaze and lowered my head. Cha Jeonghan gently held my face with both hands, lifted it, and forced our eyes to meet.
“I obviously knew you were pretty.”
“……”
“You’re really pretty. Today.”
At the same time my heart made a loud sound and dropped, Cha Jeonghan poured over my face again. Cha Jeonghan, who parted our locked lips and dug in at once, was clearly different from a moment ago. It was a feeling similar to when he’d kiss while completely drunk.
After rubbing our tongue tips, Cha Jeonghan sucked them in making a sound, scattered his heated breath, and dug in deeply again. As he wound and unwound our tongues, rubbing them, strength entered my feet and fingertips each time. Cha Jeonghan didn’t give any gap at all, and with our lips still locked, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled. As I’d been leaning my back against the closet and my body moved as if being embraced by Cha Jeonghan, I lost my support and hesitated. Cha Jeonghan put strength in his arms and held me firmly.
“Haa…. Heu….”
Breath poured out wildly between our parted lips. Having not breathed properly for a long time, my head was all dizzy. As I was catching my breath while holding him, my body moved. By the time I grasped the situation, I was already sitting on the bed. I lifted my head to look up at Cha Jeonghan standing before me. Looking up while sitting at him who was already tall, I felt an inexplicable sense of intimidation.
Cha Jeonghan, who bent his body, kissed me again while pulling me up as if embracing me onto the bed. At the feeling of my body being laid down, I squeezed my eyes shut. The hand that had been caressing my cheek touched my ear, and the moment his fingertips pressed my earlobe, my body flinched.
“…Mmh……”
Surprised by the sound flowing from my throat, I opened my eyes and our lips separated slightly. At the eyes I met at an excessively close distance, I couldn’t speak or move. I quickly raised my hand to cover my mouth. Cha Jeonghan quietly watched me covering my mouth with both hands, then grabbed my wrist and lowered my hands.
“……”
“……”
It was the first time… an expression I was seeing for the first time. I stared blankly at Cha Jeonghan’s expression, his eyes that I’d never seen even once in 13 years. It wasn’t the kind face looking at me, nor was it a face that had gone cold from being upset about something. Having never seen it even once, I didn’t know what words to use to express it.
Cha Jeonghan, who’d been looking down at me with closed lips, dug into my lips again a bit urgently. Like the day I went to pick him up at the hotel bar when he’d laid me on the sofa and climbed on top, a heavy weight pressed me down, and his hand entered inside my clothes. Cha Jeonghan’s hand touching my skin was shockingly hot.
“Hheut…!”
Every time the hot hand touched the skin that had heated up hotly, it felt sticky as if something had been applied. It was exactly like that feeling of school uniform sticking to skin after being soaked in rain on a very rainy day.
The moment the hand caressing my waist moved up deeper and touched above my chest, my breath stopped short. I grabbed his hand over my clothes. The moment Cha Jeonghan, with his hand grabbed, just extended his fingers and rubbed slightly, the blocked breath burst out.
He looked at my face as if to bore through it while moving only his fingertips to rub above my nipple. Something caught on his fingertips, and each time he passed over it, strange sounds kept flowing from my throat. Cha Jeonghan looked down with an unfamiliar face at me who couldn’t say anything and didn’t know what to do with just that fingertip movement. All of Cha Jeonghan’s expressions showing since earlier weren’t ones I knew.
“…Hht, keep, heu… th-there only……”
Even trying to convey words, each time Cha Jeonghan gently circled and touched around my nipple, my breath mixed wildly making gasping sounds. Finding it unbearable to make those sounds, when I bit my lips hard, Cha Jeonghan pressed my chin to prevent me from biting.
“Don’t bite, it hurts.”
“……”
I was so embarrassed I wanted to cry. Not knowing how to endure this situation, when I shook my head, Cha Jeonghan completely gripped my nipple with his fingertips, twisted it, and lowered his head. The moment my t-shirt rode up, I couldn’t believe it and closed my eyes.
“Hheut!”
Surprised by the feeling of something wet and hot touching, I opened my eyes and that scene I’d seen at the hotel unfolded before my eyes again. Cha Jeonghan was burying his face above my chest. When I pushed his shoulders, he licked my nipple by gently circling it with his tongue tip while only raising his eyes to look at me. At that handsome appearance and atmosphere overwhelming enough to take my breath away, my heart sank. Strength drained from even the hands that had been pushing away.
