Only after finishing my words did I wonder what I was talking about and looked at my friend. The guy who was looking at me with a drunk face hit my shoulder and held out a bottle.
“Hey, hey, anyone would think you’re the president of Cha Jeonghan’s fan club! Aren’t you sick of it? You stick together like that, but whenever Cha Jeonghan comes up, you’re a total doting fool. Just drink!”
Whenever someone talked about Cha Jeonghan, I automatically became like this. Because there were so many cool and good things I’d seen, I wanted to brag and tell more. That our Jeonghan was this cool, an actor praised by many staff members.
After seeing Cha Jeonghan on screen once, my friends’ laughing and chattering sounds grew distant, and only the awards ceremony screen came too clearly. I barely took sips of water while glancing at the screen hanging in a high place.
We moved locations past midnight. Friends who whined that it was the last day of December and they’d age another year tomorrow started drinking in earnest as if alcohol was insufficient. I didn’t think I could handle soju, but a few sips of beer seemed okay, so I drank a few sips while looking at the awards ceremony screen playing in the beer hall. After capturing Cha Jeonghan in my eyes once, all my attention was focused there. I couldn’t deny it.
“……”
Cha Jeonghan’s face appeared as a candidate for the Excellence Award. The guys who were drinking saw it and completely turned their bodies toward the TV. Soon the presenter called out a name. I knew from just the lip movement that it was Cha Jeonghan. Soon the screen showed Jeonghan’s image, and everyone clapping and rejoicing, congratulating him, was visible.
“Hey! Jeonghan received the Excellence Award!”
Somewhat aggressive congratulations followed, perhaps because they were drunk. Even though it was loud, that sound disappeared from my ears and I only saw his face on stage giving his acceptance speech. I came outside thinking I’d want to run to him if I thought of that face all day and even watched the awards ceremony… but it all became futile. The world was entirely Cha Jeonghan again.
I captured until the end his image saying some acceptance speech, bowing politely, and going down. The awards ceremony ended by giving the grand prize to a veteran actor who was the protagonist of a quite successful drama.
“Hey, let’s drink like crazy to commemorate Cha Jeonghan’s award!”
While I barely emptied one beer glass, my friends drank so much that the table filled with glasses needed to be emptied several times. Seeing people leaving one by one, it seemed to be quite late, but I didn’t check the time. Because what time it was now wasn’t important at all.
We stayed until the end and were the first to leave from tables that were equally noisy. I put the guy who grabbed my arm saying we should go to a third round, drink more, in a taxi and sent him off, then finally got in a taxi myself. Seeing it was past 2:30 AM was a bit surprising.
Because it was early morning with no traffic at all, we arrived in 30 minutes for a distance that usually took about an hour. At 3 AM I should be very tired, but even though I’d been out all day, I wasn’t tired at all. Only the thought of wanting to go home and properly listen to Cha Jeonghan’s acceptance speech kept circling in my head.
I got off the elevator and was turning the corner when I felt a small vibration. Come to think of it, I hadn’t checked my phone even once since meeting friends today. I had completely forgotten the phone’s existence. I took out the phone I’d put in my bag and looked at the screen—Cha Jeonghan’s name was written there. What could it be at this early hour? I didn’t answer and just stared at the screen.
“Why aren’t you answering the phone?”
I clearly didn’t answer the phone, but at Cha Jeonghan’s voice that suddenly sounded, I raised my head and my eyes met his standing in front of the house. I was so surprised I couldn’t even move, and Cha Jeonghan strode toward me.
“What time is it now?”
“…Why are you here?”
“What time is it that you’re only coming in now? It’s past three. Where were you and what were you doing until now? Why didn’t you answer the phone? I called several times earlier, why didn’t you answer? Did you see it all like now and deliberately not answer?”
“No… no. I didn’t know it came.”
“Where did you go? What were you doing where until now?”
“…I met friends. It’s the end of the year.”
Only now understanding the situation a bit, I passed by the interrogating Cha Jeonghan and headed home. Jeonghan stuck close by my side. Just having changed clothes, he had the same style as I’d seen on screen earlier.
“Friends? Who? An end-of-year party or something? You don’t usually go to those things.”
“I didn’t have time. Until now.”
“Time? Ah, you couldn’t go because you were with me until now, but this year you can go because you don’t have to be with me?”
“……”
Even while I opened the door, Jeonghan stood beside me speaking in an angry voice and followed me inside.
“Yeah, well, you can go. But what time is it now?”
“…Jeonghan.”
“You didn’t watch the awards ceremony either?”
“……”
“…Yeah. I was outside.”
I lied. Having lied once, I hated myself for now lying smoothly as if it was nothing. Cha Jeonghan looked at me with a face like the world was collapsing. I understood his disappointment.
“…I received an award. The Excellence Award.”
“……”
“You said you hoped I’d get the Excellence Award. That you really wanted to go to the awards ceremony together and see it in person.”
“……”
“I said you should watch carefully because I’d definitely receive it…. Not being able to go together today kept bothering me, so I came right after it ended.”
Thinking of Cha Jeonghan who would have come to me after the awards ceremony ended, my heart hurt. I was so upset that he remembered all those conversations we had in passing.
“But you’re not here.”
“……”
“No sound at all, not answering the phone…. I thought you’d left. I really thought you left here without even telling me.”
“…You should have opened the door. Then you would have known it wasn’t that.”
“I was too scared to open it.”
My heart sank at his words saying he was scared. I was taking off my outer clothes when I couldn’t move anymore. Cha Jeonghan came in front of me, gripped my arms with both hands, and met my eyes.
“I was too scared thinking you might not be here, that you might have really disappeared, so I couldn’t open it. I’m really going crazy, Yuhyeon. Even while giving my acceptance speech, I almost said for you not to go anywhere.”
“…Do you know why I went to the end-of-year party I never went to and met friends?”
“……”
“Because when I’m home, I only think of you. I knew about the awards ceremony too, of course, and I wanted to watch it. I wanted to see you receive an award more than anyone. But if I think only of you and only look at you all day like that, it’s back to square one again. Back to the starting point. So I went out. To forget you. To not think of you. Because they can do that for me.”
I tried hard to firmly clench my heart. I let go of his hands holding me and took out the coat he had put over me that day.
“Take the coat. Thank you for that day.”
Cha Jeonghan took the coat I gave him and threw it carelessly to the floor. And without giving it a single glance, he firmly gripped both my shoulders to stop me from leaving the room.
“Tell me too. I can do everything for you too, so tell me what you want. Those other bastards can do things for you, but why can’t I do anything for you, why? Tell me. I’ll do anything, so tell me.”
“I don’t want anything from you…”
“Don’t say you don’t want anything from me.”
“……”
“What do you want? What should I do and how?”
“…You can’t give me what I want.”
At my words, Cha Jeonghan slid his hands down from my shoulders as if his pride was hurt and gripped my arms tightly with force.
“I can give you everything too. Tell me.”
We were both pushed to extremes. It seemed Jeonghan wouldn’t let me go even if he died until I spoke. He hated having his pride hurt, and hated losing to anyone else in things he was confident about. I knew that would be even more so if it was about friendship, which Jeonghan always talked about as top priority. Jeonghan, who always envied and was disappointed when I met with friends, must feel like his friend was being taken away right now.
“Tell me, I said? Why won’t you tell me! I said I’ll do everything, what you want!”
“…I want to sleep with you.”
“……”
“…Jeonghan.”
“……”
“I… want to sleep with you.”
His face that had been sensitive with anger from hurt pride slowly relaxed. I laughed at his face that seemed to doubt whether he’d heard correctly. It wasn’t a laugh because it was funny, it just seemed like a laugh coming out because this situation was a bit hard to handle. I escaped not too difficultly from his hands that had lost some strength.
“Get home safely. I’ll empty the house soon. Then even if you wait like this, I won’t come here. So… don’t wait, Jeonghan.”
I took my gaze away first from him who was just looking at me quietly and picked up the coat that had fallen to the floor. Cha Jeonghan, who kept just watching me as I folded it in half and handed it to him again so he could take it well, came one step closer to me.
“I haven’t answered yet.”
“……”
