“……”
“Were you like that too?”
“…I was.”
When I answered, Cha Jeonghan leaned his body forward a bit and sat closer. It was the behavior he did when trying to persuade me.
“I only think about you, and you only think about me, but I don’t understand why we have to… distinguish that with a name. No matter how much I think about why we can’t stay together like before… ah, I really don’t know.”
“……”
“The problem is that I know you love me, right? Yuhyeon-ah. Even knowing, I want to be with you. I’m the one who heard it and I’m okay with it, and I want to get along well with you even knowing, so what’s the problem? There’s no problem. Can you not see me? Can you live without seeing me?”
Seeing Cha Jeonghan’s face that looked extremely anxious, I was grateful for his heart that thought of me as so important, but I also felt a bit overwhelmed about how to explain this. Cha Jeonghan seemed to think that if he gave me an opening, I’d talk to overturn his words, so he continued speaking quickly without giving any gap.
“I can’t live without you. You don’t hate me, so why can’t I see you? I thought about what you said all night. You said it would be awkward even if we stayed together. That our actions would change, and we wouldn’t be able to get along comfortably like before.”
“…Yeah. It can’t be helped.”
“No. I’ll get along like before. I can make it not awkward.”
“Right. You’ll be okay. You’ll be able to get along with me exactly like before.”
“Right, I’m saying I can do it.”
“You’ll be able to treat me without it being awkward, and you’ll treat me exactly the same as before. You can do it. You like me as a friend but… you don’t think of me beyond that.”
Cha Jeonghan looked at me with eyes that seemed a bit shocked. It seemed he hadn’t thought that far on his own. It was natural. It was all too natural that Cha Jeonghan, who didn’t believe in love and didn’t know it well, couldn’t think centered on love.
“Jeonghan-ah. I can’t do that. I like you as a friend, but I also think of you beyond that.”
“……”
“When you… stroke my head, touch my face… lay your head on my legs, what do you think about?”
“…Think?”
“You don’t. There’s nothing to think about. You just do it to me like a habit without much meaning. Right?”
Cha Jeonghan’s eyes wavered. It was a face that wanted to say no but couldn’t. Cha Jeonghan couldn’t lie.
“But I…. When you stroke my head, touch my face… every time you lie on my legs, I can’t breathe well.”
“……”
“…I tremble so much, get nervous, and worry about whether I’m showing it.”
“……”
“So that’s it. When you didn’t know, I could hide it, but now that you know, what should I do? Should I hide it like before? Or should I say I’m trembling?”
It was hard to keep looking at Cha Jeonghan’s apologetic face. There was no reason at all for him to apologize to me for not loving me, for not grasping my feelings.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think that far….”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not something for you to be sorry about.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“I don’t hate you. Why would I hate you? I don’t hate you, don’t dislike you, don’t resent you.”
“…How can you do that? If the person you like doesn’t know your feelings, and after knowing, doesn’t understand like this and says things like this, shouldn’t you be resentful?”
“If I had something I wanted from you… I would, right?”
I didn’t want anything from Cha Jeonghan. I always only wanted things from myself. I hoped to hide well, hoped to always be tense so I could remain a good friend with Cha Jeonghan forever. I also hoped not to want anything from him.
“You don’t want… anything from me?”
“…Yeah. I don’t.”
“How can you not want anything at all? You like me, so how can there be nothing? Even if you hid it, didn’t you ever hope I’d notice?”
“I can’t say there was never a time. Why wouldn’t there be?”
“What was it? Tell me everything you want from me. Why are you keeping it to yourself? Now that everything’s out, don’t hide it, don’t leave anything behind, tell me everything.”
“I started it alone, and then I told you out of guilt alone. So I’ll take responsibility alone and end it myself.”
“End it? Loving me?”
“…Yeah.”
With a face that seemed to have lost words, Cha Jeonghan lowered his head for a moment. After being silent for a while as if composing his emotions, he lifted his head again and looked at me.
“Ending it means…. So you won’t see me anymore?”
“……”
“You won’t come here like this again, won’t answer my calls, won’t meet with me—is that what you’re saying?”
“……”
“Answer me.”
“…Yeah. That’s right.”
At my answer, Cha Jeonghan kicked back his seat and stood up, approaching the window. It was a similar flow to yesterday. Even if we continued talking, we’d eventually just go in circles without narrowing the gap. I watched him looking out the window, then got up from my seat and entered the room.
I took out the carrier I’d used when bringing my things to this house and spread it open on the bed. Seeing the empty inside, a sense of helplessness rushed in.
Excluding the expensive clothes and items Cha Jeonghan had bought me, the carrier was barely half full when I put things in. Things like toothbrushes could be organized by throwing them away, so this was everything to put in here. I zipped the inside so the clothes wouldn’t get mixed up messily, secured it, and closed the carrier. I was about to pull out the carrier that was light enough to be lifted too easily with one hand when my eyes met with Cha Jeonghan standing diagonally blocking the door.
“Why are you leaving everything I bought you?”
“……”
“You’re so cold-hearted. Even when I was thinking and thinking alone, I never once thought it was over with you. When I heard your story at the restaurant, and now too.”
“……”
“Everything in there that you haven’t touched even once and left as is—I bought all of that thinking of you. Did you rip me off? Did you forget that I was grateful to you and liked spending money on you?”
“……”
“I’d be hurt even if you said you didn’t know, but if you’re leaving them even knowing, I’m really too hurt by this.”
I knew with what heart Cha Jeonghan had bought me those things. He always tried to express himself at least to me and didn’t hide anything. Until now, the heart Cha Jeonghan showed as my good friend was too much for me. That’s why I couldn’t take these things. Because I couldn’t keep my promise with such a Cha Jeonghan and told lies.
“…If I take these, I feel like I’ll think of you every time I see them.”
“If you don’t take them, will you really not think of me?”
“I’ll try.”
“Yuhyeon-ah. Don’t do that, let’s think in a different direction. I won’t tell you to do anything. I won’t tell you to hide it or endure it.”
“…I’m leaving.”
Cha Jeonghan, who followed me as I went straight to the entrance, stood completely blocking the entrance door. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand Cha Jeonghan’s heart, but my heart facing him like this wasn’t solid either, and I felt like I’d keep crumbling. To face Cha Jeonghan at this moment, gathering my crumbling heart and making it solid enough to last a few hours was all I’d done. If I kept facing and wavering with Cha Jeonghan like this, I had no choice but to crumble.
“Why do you keep only saying you’re leaving, only saying it’s over…. Yeah, I know I only talk about myself and you only talk about yourself. I know we keep saying the same thing because of this… but still, I want to be with you….”
Cha Jeonghan’s voice, which had been speaking while looking at me, faded, and his watching eyes widened. As I wondered why he was doing that, my vision blurred hazily. I quickly rubbed my eyes and cheeks carelessly with my hand.
“Why, why are you crying…. I’m not angry. I’m not angry, it’s just that if you leave like this today, I feel like I won’t see you again…. I’m sorry. I’m really not angry. Let’s, let’s go. I’ll take you. I can do that, right?”
“…I’ll go alone.”
“I won’t say anything while going. Still no?”
“…I’ll take a taxi. Please.”
“Okay. I got it, so don’t cry.”
Cha Jeonghan, who opened the door and went outside first, quietly watched me come out. Cha Jeonghan, who watched me get on the elevator and press the first floor, still kept his eyes on me while pressing the button from outside.
“I’ll think from the beginning again.”
“……”
“This time, for you.”
“……”
When I nodded, Cha Jeonghan let go of his hand. When the door was about half closed, I saw Cha Jeonghan hurriedly pressing the button again. Wondering if there was a problem, Cha Jeonghan looked at me and said urgently.
“Don’t go down, just wait 10 seconds.”
“Why?”
