You know the name of my emotion. You know, so how can I pretend you don’t? It’s not just me who knows, you know now too.”
“……”
“If I’m with you, I’ll keep wanting things from you. When you didn’t know, it was natural that you couldn’t love me because you didn’t know, but now that you know, I’ll keep wanting to receive from you too.”
“……”
“It’s not wrong that you don’t love me, it’s not something I should be disappointed about… but I’ll be disappointed, and you’ll probably… feel sorry toward me like that, right? It’ll get awkward, we’ll avoid each other. I don’t want that. My love is mine, and I told you prepared for it to turn out like this…. I’ll take all the responsibility too.”
“……”
“I wanted to remain as good friends for a long time. That feeling was sincere. I’m sorry, Jeonghan. I’m really sorry….”
After hearing my words, Cha Jeonghan got up from the sofa as if frustrated and approached the window. He rolled up the blinds and opened the window, exhaling deeply. Looking at his long figure from behind, my heart tightened painfully, feeling like I’d made him even lonelier.
“Ji Yuhyeon. Why do you always only think about ending, organizing, not seeing each other? I don’t want to do that. I said I don’t want to lose you.”
“……”
“Say something. Don’t make me anxious acting like someone who’s already made up their mind.”
“…You’re right. I’ve made up my mind. Like I said, I’ll empty the officetel first. I’ll go to the company tomorrow and tell them I’m quitting.”
“I’m going crazy, really. Who said you could quit?”
“…I’m sorry. I have nothing to say to you, Jeonghan. I’m sorry for not being able to keep my place as a friend.”
“If you’re sorry, then stay. Stay under any name. Since you just need to be here, please stop saying you’re leaving and quitting. You know how much it drives me crazy every time you say those things. You know better than anyone that I’m most scared of those words, that I can’t stand being without you.”
The words kept going in circles to the same place. At this rate, it seemed we’d only have the same conversation even if we talked all night. It didn’t seem like we’d move forward no matter how much we talked, so it seemed better to stop now.
“Tomorrow… what’s your schedule?”
“I have one thing in the morning. I’ll come back in the evening.”
“Then I’ll come tomorrow evening.”
“……”
“I think it’s better to pack when you’re there. It doesn’t feel right to go into the house when you’re not there and take things on my own.”
“Yuhyeon. Why are you really being like this? Because you’re like this, I’m really scared now.”
“…Get home safely. I’ll come around eight tomorrow. If you’re running late, let me know.”
I heard footsteps behind me as I got up and headed to the room. Cha Jeonghan, who followed me into the room, walked further ahead than me and blocked my way. When I tried to turn around and leave the room again, Jeonghan blocked the door ahead of me again, exhaled as if collapsing, and gripped both my arms tightly as if trapping them.
“Yuhyeon, please…. Please don’t do this. Why are you acting like we’ll never see each other again?”
“Let’s each think about it again tonight, and tomorrow again… let’s talk again. Okay?”
“…Yeah. Okay. I understand, so don’t say it’s uncomfortable here and go somewhere else in the early morning again. I’ll leave, so just stay here. If you leave here too saying it’s the house I bought, I’ll really go crazy.”
“I won’t. I’ll stay here.”
“Okay. I trust your word.”
Cha Jeonghan gripped my arms once more with force, then looked down at me quietly as he was about to let go. Feeling his gaze, I raised my head and met his complex gaze whose meaning I couldn’t understand. Jeonghan lowered his head as it was and buried his face on my shoulder.
“I really thought I was going to die….”
“……”
“…But seeing you, I think I can live.”
His voice echoed on my shoulder. I wanted to hug him, but I couldn’t move. I just wanted to crumble like this and cry enough to die.
Cha Jeonghan, who had buried his face on my shoulder for a moment, straightened his body and let go of the arms he was holding. The moment I saw his eyes wet as if he’d cried, everything I’d been holding back became futile. My chin and lips trembled and my cheeks instantly grew hot. Cha Jeonghan raised his hand before me and gently rubbed my eyes and cheeks.
“Don’t cry. Why are you crying on your birthday?”
“……”
“This doesn’t seem like the right thing to say in this atmosphere, but still….”
“……”
“Happy birthday, Yuhyeon.”
“……”
“Yesterday was really long again this year. It gets longer every year. Every year is the worst Christmas.”
“……”
“We couldn’t spend it together, but still, being able to see you like this and talk… I’m glad.”
Cha Jeonghan, who held my face with both hands and rubbed away my tears, gently stroked my head once. Every time Cha Jeonghan touched me so affectionately like this, I really didn’t know what to do at all.
“I’m going. Don’t come out.”
“……”
“Like you said, I’ll think again, and think again… Let’s talk tomorrow. If tomorrow doesn’t work, let’s talk the next time, and I’ll understand you until it works, you’ll understand me, and let’s talk until we’re both okay.”
“……”
“See you tomorrow.”
I couldn’t move my feet at all. I bit my lips hard enough to hurt so I wouldn’t make crying sounds. He, even his footsteps affectionate, moved away. The moment I heard the sound of the door at the entrance opening and closing, I collapsed right there.
My arms and shoulders that Cha Jeonghan had touched and then released, and my eyes and head and heart that held him…. Everything in me that responded to him was so warm and painful that I cried for a long time.
I left the house a little past seven. From when I woke up this morning until now, I’d been both waiting for and not waiting for this time. Sometimes it felt like time wasn’t passing at all, and sometimes time passed so well that the fact I’d soon have to meet Cha Jeonghan made me tremble.
No matter what I thought or what I wished for, time flowed at a constant pace. In the end, I couldn’t avoid the time that had come. I started walking to Cha Jeonghan’s house.
I’d been inside the house all this time recently, and even when I went outside, I’d never walked like this, so I wanted to walk a bit. Facing the air that had gotten even colder in the meantime, I felt like I was coming to my senses.
Among the road packed with cars and people hunching their bodies and hurrying their steps because of the cold, only I was too slow and quiet. Still, because getting closer to Cha Jeonghan was good, I didn’t stop walking.
I arrived at the apartment, opened the door with the card key I still had, and got on the elevator. Even though I’d ridden it for years, just not riding it for a few days made it feel extremely awkward. Why do things that don’t need to change change so easily like this, while emotions I wish would change a bit never change even if it kills me? As my thoughts increased, there were only countless questions without answers.
I stopped while trying to enter the password. Cha Jeonghan had also been waiting for me the whole time, so I couldn’t just enter this and go in. I pressed the bell for the first time. It was the first time pressing it since Cha Jeonghan came to this house.
“……”
Not long after the bell rang, I heard footsteps approaching. I stepped aside a bit next to the door. Cha Jeonghan opened the door without even asking who it was.
“You came?”
“…Yeah. What were you going to do if it wasn’t me, opening the door without asking? You don’t even check the interphone screen.”
“You think I wouldn’t know whether it’s you or not?”
Cha Jeonghan stepped aside and opened the door wide. I’d spent more time here than at the officetel, but strangely I felt a bit of awkwardness. Cha Jeonghan followed me inside and stopped me as I tried to enter the room.
“Why are you in such a rush? You’re going to just take your things and leave as soon as you arrive?”
“…I should. I came to get my things.”
“What are you, a moving center? Even if you pack, look at me first before that. Did you even look at my face?”
“……”
“You didn’t. How can you try to go into the room without even looking at me? How long has it been since you came here? Look at me, listen to what I have to say. Like you said, I thought a lot again yesterday. You should hear about that.”
Cha Jeonghan, who grabbed my shoulders from behind, took me to the sofa and sat me down. Then, as if he’d been preparing, he brought warm tea and placed it in front of me.
“It was cold today, but what’s with those clothes? Why are you dressed so lightly?”
“…I didn’t know. That it would be this cold.”
“……”
“I’ve only been at home. I did go to my parents’ house briefly yesterday, but I don’t remember at all what the weather was like yesterday. I think it was cold…. I don’t really remember, and I didn’t even think about the weather.”
“What were you thinking about that you couldn’t think about the weather? Were you thinking about me?”
“……”
I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t deny that all the thoughts that filled my head and heart so completely that thoughts like the weather couldn’t enter at all were entirely Cha Jeonghan.
“I only thought about you. I always think about you a lot anyway, but since that day, I only thought about you even during schedules. Yesterday was the same.”
