“Don’t worry. Teacher isn’t going anywhere. I’ll stay by Jiwon’s side.”
“Uung.”
Jiwon answered. I smiled slightly and pressed my lips to Jiwon’s forehead. I could feel the hot forehead.
“Let’s go meet the doctor. The doctor will help Jiwon not hurt.”
Even though nap time was approaching, Jiwon skillfully didn’t fall asleep. Not long after, the doorbell rang. I immediately picked up Jiwon and went outside. Secretary Cha was waiting.
“Secretary-nim.”
“Please get in quickly.”
The secretary, who looked at Jiwon pitifully, headed to the hospital. The hospital wasn’t too far away. I thought I should know the hospital’s location too, so I observed the route the whole way. Secretary Cha said he would wait in the lobby, so I held Jiwon and checked in. The pediatrics department happened to be quiet, so our turn for the examination came quickly.
“It’s a fever cold. There’s some runny nose too. He hasn’t coughed yet, right?”
“No.”
“I’ll prepare medicine for you. Don’t worry too much.”
The doctor was a person with a very good impression. Some children cry when surprised by the stethoscope, but he praised Jiwon for staying calm and well, smiling kindly as he put candy in Jiwon’s hand. Jiwon held the candy tightly and burrowed into my arms.
After greeting the doctor and coming out to the lobby, there wasn’t Secretary Cha but Eorin.
“Eorin-ah! What about your work?”
“I was a bit late sorting things out and coming. Sorry.”
The conversation went astray. Seeing Eorin, Jiwon silently spread his arms. Eorin picked up Jiwon and touched around his neck.
“He’s hot.”
“They said it’s just a cold.”
After leaving Jiwon with Eorin, I went to the pharmacy next to the hospital. But when I came back, crying sounds were echoing loudly in the lobby.
“Uuuuung.”
“Jiwon-ah, Teacher will come now. Okay?”
“Teacher-nim. Uwaaaang.”
Startled, I ended up running in the hospital. I hurriedly approached from the side and tapped Jiwon’s hand.
“Jiwon-ah, Teacher is here. Why are you crying?”
“Teacher-nim. Don’t go.”
“Teacher isn’t going. I bought medicine for Jiwon to take. Now we’re all going home together.”
Jiwon, tightly held in Eorin’s arms, grasped my hand and wouldn’t let go. Even in the car going home, Jiwon stubbornly wouldn’t fall asleep while holding onto me. I was worried the fever might rise more from crying.
As soon as we got home, I gave Jiwon medicine and laid him down in the room. And when I got up to look for the cooling sheet I’d put in the refrigerator, Jiwon immediately showed tears.
“Where is Teacher-nim going?”
“Teacher is going to the kitchen. To put something cool on Jiwon’s forehead.”
“…”
Watching me soothe Jiwon, Eorin stood up instead and brought the cooling sheet along with a thermometer. After putting sheets on his forehead and back of the neck, he scratched a bit as if it bothered him, but immediately grabbed my hand.
“Teacher-nim, don’t go.”
“Yeah, I won’t go.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah.”
Only after confirming several times did Jiwon fall asleep while holding onto me. Eorin pulled over a blanket and covered Jiwon’s belly.
While I sat waiting for Jiwon to fall deeply asleep, Eorin came to sit next to me and caught his breath.
“Were you very surprised?”
“Not that… but no matter how many times I go through it, I can’t get used to it.”
“Me too.”
I smiled slightly at the fact that we had the same thought. Then I was startled by Eorin’s gaze looking at my face and covered my mouth.
Ah… I smiled. I held back my heart that was trying to become a bit colder. Eorin opened his mouth.
“You, smiling…”
Eorin, who had been about to say something, closed his mouth again and looked down. Then he continued speaking. It was a small, slow voice.
“It seems Jiwon has become quite attached to you. He’s originally a child who’s very shy around strangers…”
“…I’m grateful, you know. That he likes me.”
“If it’s okay with you.”
“Hm?”
“Until Jiwon’s fever goes down, could you stay?”
I was planning to do that anyway. It wasn’t like Eorin could keep watching Jiwon while abandoning work. I nodded.
“I promised Jiwon I wouldn’t go anywhere.”
At my words, Eorin was silent for a long while. Then he whispered quietly. It was a voice that had sunk lower than before. It seemed to tremble a little too.
“…Thank you.”
“No.”
I, who had been answering awkwardly, held my breath. Slowly, warmth approached my right shoulder.
“…Thank you. For being here…”
Neither Eorin nor I looked at each other. We were just shoulder to shoulder. Since the day I comforted the crying Eorin, there had been no such contact again. This was the first time.
Was Eorin’s thank you just for Jiwon alone?
If I had to maintain enough distance that we wouldn’t touch each other, it would be right for me to pull back now. But next to me was Jiwon who had just fallen asleep making wheezing sounds, and I…
I had ended up smiling after all. This much… wouldn’t it be okay? I chewed over my excuses while quietly waiting for time to pass. Until Eorin raised his body and moved away from me.
For several days, Jiwon continued to have his fever rise and fall repeatedly. Since Eorin couldn’t keep taking time off work, I only brought some clothes from home while Eorin watched Jiwon, and I stayed at Eorin’s house the whole time. Even sleeping at night, the fever would rise, so I’d wipe his body with lukewarm wet towels and watch over him, then doze off before I knew it. Then when I opened my eyes, I was properly sleeping next to Jiwon with a blanket covering me too. Knowing that Eorin woke up at dawn to take care of me, I told him not to do that since he’d be tired when he had to go to work, but the next day too, there was a blanket covering me.
After four days passed, Jiwon’s cold symptoms were caught. The runny nose persisted, but the fever no longer rose. Eorin and I could finally breathe easier and sleep comfortably.
The problem came after that.
“Teacher-nim leaving?”
“Huh? I have to go now.”
“Why?”
“This is Jiwon’s house. Teacher’s house is over there.”
“Said you’d stay together… Said you wouldn’t leave Jiwon behind.”
“…”
“Why go?”
There were no words to answer with. If I said “because you’re not sick anymore,” Jiwon would feel like not being sick was wrong. There were children who secretly liked being sick because they got attention. But that conversely meant they were thirsty enough for attention that it was okay to be sick. Thinking about whether Jiwon might feel that way too, whether Eorin and I had been lacking for Jiwon, my mouth was blocked shut.
“…Jiwon-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“Can you wait just a moment? Can Daddy talk with Teacher first?”
“Yeah.”
At Eorin’s words, Jiwon glanced at me briefly, then pattered into the room. That momentary gaze was sharp. It was a look that said if I left him behind, he wouldn’t let it go.
“Chiwon-ah, sit down.”
Eorin offered me a seat on the sofa. I took off the coat I’d put on to leave, held it, and sat on the sofa.
“Jiwon brought it up first, but actually I was going to talk to you about it too.”
“Huh?”
Eorin raised his head and looked at me.
“Chiwon-ah. Could you continue staying here?”
“…Uh…”
“Since you’d be working as a live-in, the contract conditions would change, but they won’t change for the worse than before. You can save on transportation costs, and I’ll prepare a room for you so you can rest anytime, and Jiwon will like it too…”
“But.”
“I’d like it too.”
I barely held back what would have been choking. Eorin’s pitch-black pupils were so clear that I couldn’t turn my gaze away. Even the instant of blinking to hide the pupils was difficult.
“Stay here, Chiwon-ah.”
“…”
“I’m asking you.”
I felt like I’d been hit by a surprise attack. The face with which Eorin looked at me was clean. So clean that I knew there was no other meaning contained in Eorin’s words. Eorin wanted me to be here. Purely, just to exist here.
But I wanted more than that.
Suddenly I felt like crying. I hated suffering alone while leaving Eorin behind. I was so tired and exhausted that I wanted to throw away all greed, but I couldn’t let go with my own hands. My loving Eorin had already become a habit. This feeling was just a part of me now.
I should refuse, but I hate myself for agonizing over it. Why do you keep saying only sweet things? Unable to lash out like that, I quietly held back tears. There was a small sound of Eorin drawing in breath after seeing my face, then Eorin jumped up from his seat.
“…Chi, Chiwon-ah.”
“…”
“I’m sorry. If you… didn’t like it, I’m sorry. I wasn’t forcing you.”
Eorin took a step toward me, then sat in front of my feet and looked up at me. I barely swallowed the tears that were about to overflow. Only after the salty taste went down my throat did my vision clear. I saw a hand floating in the air as if it had tried to approach me but stopped.
“I’m sorry…”
“…No. What do you have to be sorry for?”
When I said that, I could feel Eorin carefully examining my face. He must be looking for the reason for the sudden tears. I cleared my throat with a fake cough.
“Just suddenly… it was sudden.”
“…”
“It wasn’t a big deal. It’s not because of you.”
“…Right. Sometimes there are… times like that.”
Was it about himself suddenly crying on the day we met again? He would know best that there are no tears without reason, but Eorin pretended not to know and let my clumsy excuse pass.
“Can I think about it a little?”
“Yeah. Of course. Thank you.”
It wasn’t even a positive answer, but Eorin thanked me. Asking for time to think was my own rebellion. Because I could see myself all too well—that I’d end up coming here eventually anyway—I tried to give myself even a feeble reprieve.
“Really, are you okay?”
Kind Eorin, even without asking the reason for the tears, tried to confirm whether I was really okay. I nodded. I was tediously accustomed to pulling myself together and closing up. Though gaps still opened because it remained clumsy.
Eorin, who called Jiwon, said that changing where you live is a very important matter, so we have to give Teacher a lot of time to think. When he asked if Jiwon hadn’t slept well after coming to the new house, Jiwon nodded. He seemed convinced, so I was relieved, but when I gathered my coat to put it on and put on my shoes, Jiwon eventually showed tears.
“Teacher-nim. Come tomorrow?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“I’ll wait.”
Jiwon, held in Eorin’s arms, rubbed his eyes and waved his hand while clasping it in greeting. I also waved my hand back.
“I’ll wait.”
Following Jiwon’s words, Eorin smiled a little. I nodded without answering.
Two weeks later, I moved into Eorin’s house. It was around the end of March.
