As soon as I said I’d move in, Eorin gave me a room. He said it was originally left for guests, but though it only had simple furniture, it was enough for me. When Eorin asked if I needed anything more, I shook my head. I’d have to leave before long anyway. I still kept in mind the day I’d leave Eorin’s side. I planned to leave quietly when neither Jiwon nor Eorin needed me anymore.
Don’t put down roots, prepare to drift.
Ironically, what helped my life most practically was that advice from Kim Jaeui. After standing alone, I reduced my belongings. It was in preparation for moving around here and there, and just as Kim Jaeui said, since I couldn’t stay in one place, it was ultimately convenient and good. Even if my workplace didn’t change, I kept repeating moves.
There was no place in the world for me. It was hard to form attachments anywhere. I thought I might have dried up inside. Though I realized that wasn’t the case at all after meeting Eorin again.
Even while drifting like that, there were a few things I couldn’t let go of in the end. I had nowhere else to put them, and knowing Eorin would absolutely never carelessly enter my room, I brought all of them too. A suppressant pill bottle containing Teacher’s note with worn corners. An old phone that hadn’t been turned on even once since the day I left Haebam Orphanage. Several photos I’d secretly taken from the orphanage album, taken with the teachers and my younger siblings.
On the first day I set foot in this room, I put them in the innermost part of the top drawer of the dresser in one corner of the room, out of Jiwon’s reach. Just as until now, they wouldn’t be opened again until I left this house. After organizing my clothes and setting up a small frame containing Teacher’s smiling face on top of the dresser, my unpacking was finished.
Even though my sleeping place had changed, I still woke up as soon as the sun rose. Teacher had once put up blackout curtains seeing that I couldn’t sleep deeply, but it was useless. Now I just thought of it as a sleeping habit.
In contrast, Eorin was a terribly heavy sleeper in the morning. I had no idea how he managed to open his eyes at dawn while Jiwon was sick and even check on my bed. It seemed routine for him to wake up to soothe Jiwon when a thunderous alarm loud enough to fill the living room rang three times and Jiwon whined at the sound. He didn’t seem to hear the alarm at all.
An old memory suddenly came to mind. A face that came to school early but looked exhausted. A certain day when I privately guessed he must be a heavy morning sleeper.
This was something I’d braced myself for when entering Eorin’s house. Eorin I’d encounter in an unguarded state, the faded past I’d carelessly recall because of him, and the moments I’d habitually sigh in longing.
“Eorin-ah, wake up.”
“…Mm.”
I shook Eorin’s shoulder to wake him. Next to Eorin, on the large bed placed flush against the wall so there was no worry of him rolling off and falling, Jiwon was sleeping obliviously.
One day when the alarm should have rung but didn’t, and I hesitated whether to wake Eorin or not and missed the timing, Eorin was late to the company and rushed out barely managing to put on clothes. After that day, waking Eorin in the morning became my job.
“Wake up. You’ll be late.”
“Yeah… I’m up.”
After mumbling a few times, when Eorin finally opened his eyes, I went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Originally, I fed Jiwon breakfast after Eorin went to the company, so I thought Eorin ate first, but it turned out he was going to work without even eating breakfast. So eventually, Eorin’s breakfast also became my job. It wasn’t particularly difficult. I just had to increase what I fed Jiwon to three servings.
The food was bland since it was for a child, but Eorin never complained once and always said he ate well. When I was making breakfast, Jiwon would also wake up and cling to my legs. So we had breakfast together, all three of us. Jiwon, who started eating breakfast a bit earlier than before, also became spirited enough to clean his plate completely, perhaps because he liked eating with Dad.
After seeing Eorin off to work, I spent the day playing with Jiwon. After eating lunch, we napped together, woke up and had snacks, then played again. When evening came and Eorin returned, we ate dinner together, and after putting Jiwon to sleep, night arrived. Then Eorin and I exchanged brief greetings like “sleep well,” “you too” and entered our respective rooms.
It wasn’t a difficult day. Not much had changed from before. We just started having meals together, and the vanilla scent was everywhere all the time… That was about it.
Right, that was about it.
Eorin was becoming noticeably busier with company work as time went on. The days we couldn’t eat dinner together doubled. Sometimes he came home only after Jiwon had gone to sleep. At first, Jiwon tried to stay awake waiting, but gradually got used to it, so even the greeting of seeing his face and saying “good night” was replaced with a phone call. Despite being busy, Eorin always answered the phone without fail. After greetings were exchanged with Jiwon, Jiwon always held out the phone to me. Then Eorin would tell me to sleep well too. The voice coming through the receiver sounded tired, but wondering if I was in a position to comfort him about that, I just briefly answered, “Yeah.” And after reading Jiwon a storybook and when Jiwon fell asleep, I sat blankly in the living room and entered my room around when Eorin would arrive. When I heard the door lock opening outside the door and sensed his presence, only then would I fall asleep.
The frozen season gradually thawed. This year winter’s tail was particularly long, so only after entering April did the cold spell jealous of flowers finally subside. Perhaps because it was a cold jealous of flowers, the flowers also showed their faces more slowly than before. Even after the weather warmed, Eorin wrapped the gray scarf he’d lent me for a day around his neck every morning when going to work. Since he’d worn it well before too, I tried hard not to attach any meaning to it.
“Jiwon-ah. Shall we go somewhere to play with Teacher?”
“Where?”
“Where Jiwon wants to go.”
Since the weather had warmed, I planned to take Jiwon on an outing. The flowers must have bloomed by now, so we’d see flowers wherever we went. Even if memorizing was too much, I decided to show Jiwon as many flowers as possible. A child’s world expands by knowing one new name.
“Teacher. Jiwon wants to see dinosaurs.”
“Dinosaurs?”
“Yeah.”
“Dinosaurs…”
Should we go to a museum instead of a park? I did have memories of going to a dinosaur museum for a field trip at my previous workplace, but this was Gyeonggi Province, so a day trip was impossible. When I hurriedly searched online, there was one nearby at least. But the problem was it wasn’t very close. I, who’d been planning to take the bus and go, looked at Jiwon’s bright face and fell into contemplation.
“Jiwon-ah, have you ever ridden a bus?”
“Bus?”
“Bus.”
“Jiwon hasn’t ridden bus.”
Bus, I know, it’s this big a vroom-vroom. It’s Tayo’s friend. Jiwon drew a large circle with his hands. I gave an empty laugh and cupped Jiwon’s cheeks.
“Right, it’s a big vroom-vroom. We have to ride that to see dinosaurs, can Jiwon stay still for a long time?”
“Dad’s vroom-vroom won’t go?”
“Um… do you want to go with Dad? Dad will be busy, so I thought we’d go just the two of us.”
“Is Dad busy even when sleeping?”
“Tomorrow? Tomorrow is… what day is tomorrow?”
Since I had no reason to go outside lately, I was living forgetting all about dates and days of the week. I took out my phone to check the day.
“Tomorrow’s Saturday.”
“Sat-ur-day.”
“It’s normally a day off, but Dad’s been really busy lately. I don’t know if he’s not going to the company tomorrow.”
“Let’s call.”
“Yeah, shall we call and ask? A bit later at lunchtime.”
“Yeah.”
He’d probably want to go with Dad anyway. Jiwon’s face lit up and he wiggled his bottom. I gauged a time when it would be okay to call. There was never a time when Eorin didn’t answer the phone. It was probably because he worried something might have happened to Jiwon, but that actually bothered me instead. In case I’d be interrupting if he answered readily even during meetings or important work.
Around twelve-thirty would be lunchtime. Since there were about two hours left, I put my hands under Jiwon’s armpits, lifted him up, and sat him on my thigh.
“Jiwon-ah. Dad’s been really busy lately so he can’t see you much, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you a little lonely or anything?”
“Teacher’s here so it’s okay.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I miss him a little… but it’s okay.”
Jiwon fidgeted with his fingers.
“Doesn’t Teacher miss Dad?”
“…Well.”
I was a petty adult. Giving an answer that was neither one way nor the other and smiling ambiguously, Jiwon, who was only just four years old, wore a pensive expression watching me.
As expected, Eorin answered the phone before the bell even rang a few times. Thinking there might have been a work-related call he was waiting for, I apologized, and Eorin said it wasn’t like that so don’t worry. With a slightly uneasy feeling, I told him I was going on an outing with Jiwon to the dinosaur museum. Then Eorin was silent for a long while.
“…Hello, Eorin-ah? Eorin-ah?”
—…should be fine.
“What’s fine?”
—Um, no. Let me go to the dinosaur museum too. It’d be more comfortable to go by car instead of taking the bus, right?
“Will it be okay? You’ve been really busy lately.”
—It’s fine. I should rest on weekends.
“If you’re going to rest, staying home…”
—I want to go. You don’t not want to go with me, do you?
That question was so flustering that I lost my words. Then Eorin muttered in a small voice.
—What, really…?
“No, no! It’s not that.”
—Really?
“Yeah.”
—Then we’re going tomorrow. Got it?
“Yeah.”
—Okay. See you at home.
Work hard, when I muttered that with a bewildered feeling, the call ended. Jiwon, who’d been watching me talk on the phone from the side, stuck his head in.
“What did Dad say? Is he going together?”
“…Seems so.”
“Wow!”
Jiwon stomped his feet then ran into the room. Listening to the voice coming from inside the room, it seemed he was bragging to his dinosaur doll friends on the shelf that they were going on a picnic tomorrow. I sighed and rose from my seat. I had to feed Jiwon lunch.
That night, Eorin came home at a very late hour. I thought there must be a lot of work after all, but I didn’t go outside the room and just quietly listened. After hearing the sound of water and confirming footsteps heading to his room, I also lay down on the bed.
