“Want to eat dinner here before you go?”
I blinked, then came back to my senses at the touch of Jiwon’s hand patting my shoulder.
“Teacher, omurice please.”
“Ah… okay.”
I nodded while looking at Eorin. Then I handed Jiwon over to Eorin and headed to the kitchen. This was the first time we’d been facing each other for this long since I started this job.
But would Eorin also eat omurice…?
“Eorin, …”
I was about to call Eorin’s name, then swallowed once.
“Eorin-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“Did you eat dinner?”
“…No.”
“Then do you want to eat omurice too?”
Eorin nodded. Finding that amusing, Jiwon laughed brightly and imitated him. Watching the two of them nod identically, I felt like I might laugh, so I hurriedly hid my face behind the refrigerator door and pretended to count eggs.
Being wary of Eorin was the right thing to do. But I kept trying to loosen up. Since becoming alone, I hadn’t been close to anyone much, so even this sense of measuring distance felt unfamiliar after such a long time. Being at a distance where we couldn’t touch each other. I just needed to not be too close, but that was really difficult for me. Back then, and even now.
Since Jiwon would be eating too, I cut the vegetables into small pieces. And as I was cracking eggs into a bowl and beating them, I heard a presence behind me.
“Ooh.”
Eorin and Jiwon in Eorin’s arms were watching closely what I was doing. It felt a bit awkward to say anything, so I pretended not to notice and hurried with cooking the omurice.
I stir-fried the vegetables and rice, seasoned them, shaped them in a round bowl, then placed them on top of the egg mixture spread in a wide frying pan. Then, carefully wrapping it so the egg wouldn’t tear, it became a pretty yellow omurice.
As I was plating one omurice, I heard whispering voices behind me.
“Jiwon-ah, look at that. Omurice.”
“Omurice. Why can’t Dad do that?”
“Well…”
“Why?”
“I wonder… why can’t Dad do it like that.”
My forehead grew hot. I rubbed my face once with the back of my hand to calm my embarrassment.
The three omurices were completed quickly. The smallest one was Jiwon’s, the biggest was Eorin’s. Jiwon, sitting in the child’s dining chair, raised his hand.
“Teacher, I want dinosaur.”
“Yes, dinosaur.”
Drawing a dinosaur with ketchup on that small omurice wasn’t an easy task. I roughly expressed fierce eyes and pointy teeth and placed it in front of Jiwon. Jiwon was satisfied with just that.
“Wow. Tyrannosaurus!”
I also roughly sprinkled ketchup on my omurice and was about to hand it to Eorin when suddenly Jiwon asked.
“What are you going to draw for Dad?”
“…”
“…”
“…A bear.”
“Teacher, he says a bear.”
Jiwon looked back at me with an innocent face. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Eorin and drew a bear on Eorin’s omurice. Because my hand was trembling, one corner of the mouth ended up stretched out long.
“…Here…”
“…Thanks.”
Throughout dinner, an awkward silence hung over the dining table. Only Jiwon was excited.
When I tried to do the dishes, Eorin stopped me, so I left the dishes to Eorin and headed to the bathroom to wash Jiwon. Jiwon liked water so much that once he started bathing, he didn’t want to come out, so on cold days like now, he was likely to catch a cold. If I filled the baby bathtub with water, it would truly be a battle, so I stood Jiwon up and used the method of spraying water with the showerhead to wash him. After wiping off the moisture with a towel and putting on a diaper and clothes, Jiwon, strangely excited, ran to the living room.
“Jiwon-ah, I need to dry your hair!”
When I followed Jiwon with a towel, he laughed happily and ran around as if planning to play tag. Eorin, who had gotten up from folding laundry and sneaked up behind Jiwon, picked him up.
“Heave-ho.”
“Oh no, I got caught!”
“We need to dry your hair, Mr. Jiwon. You’ll catch a cold.”
“Jiwon’s not a mister.”
I plugged the hair dryer into the outlet and turned to look at Eorin, who toddled over holding Jiwon and handed him to me. Jiwon’s hair was very fine, so it dried quickly. After applying baby lotion to his face and even putting on his winter pajamas—a long vest—the preparations for bed were complete.
Since it was just past eight o’clock, Jiwon didn’t seem to have any intention of sleeping. As soon as I said we were done, he ran straight to the room with toys, and I smiled watching Jiwon’s retreating figure, then organized the hair dryer cord and put it back in its place before standing up. It was time to go.
“You’re leaving?”
Eorin asked, seeing me gathering my clothes to put on. I nodded. Eorin glanced briefly at the room Jiwon had entered, then folded the last piece of laundry and put it away, gathered my bag, and followed me to the entrance.
“…”
“What’s wrong?”
Even after I put on my shoes and looked up, instead of handing over my bag, Eorin just stared intently at the area around my neck.
“Eorin-ah, my bag…”
“…Just a moment.”
Eorin said that while looking into my eyes. Then he handed me my bag, but still while making eye contact. It seemed like he was asking me not to leave yet and to wait. When I blinked and looked away, Eorin strode into the room closest to the entrance. It was his study and personal space that I’d never entered. After waiting for a moment, Eorin reappeared, with something wrapped around his hand.
“Wear this before you go.”
“Uh…”
It was a gray scarf. The scarf Eorin had been wearing when he got off work earlier.
“Even though it’s March, it’s still cold. And it’s nighttime. Wear this.”
I gaped. As if knowing I was debating whether to refuse, Eorin continued speaking.
“You’re coming again tomorrow, right? You can return it tomorrow. Okay?”
“…Alright.”
Eorin was the one lending it and I was the one borrowing it, but somehow it seemed like Eorin was the one asking a favor. Having no choice, I took the scarf and loosely wrapped it around my neck. When I tied a knot, the area below my nose was completely buried. Thank you. I muttered softly. Did Eorin hear?
Ah, he did hear. Seeing the faint smile spreading at the corners of his mouth, I lowered my head.
“I’ll go.”
“Okay. Get home safely. …Sleep well.”
A greeting with one more phrase than usual. The scarf with warmth still on it smelled like vanilla. At the words that the teacher was leaving, Jiwon came running out and clung to me not to go, and after hugging him tightly once, I left through the door.
I got on the bus heading home and blankly stared out the window. A thorn I thought I’d soothed and forgotten suddenly shot up. A single impossibly soft scarf stirred up my insides.
I’d always found it difficult to be honest with myself. But, if I were to be truly honest down to the very bottom.
Yes, I had lingering feelings.
Like the diary from those young days that I’d written in and torn repeatedly until it was tattered, my first love that had been forcibly ripped away was still attached to my life. If I’d ended it cleanly, it wouldn’t hurt like this.
I was the one who walked in with my own feet. But, did I really not know it would be like this? Really?
Even knowing it would hurt, just because that single thread of lingering attachment held onto my feet… because the shadow cast darkly on the face of someone who used to shine so brightly weighed on my mind.
Teacher. I’m having such a hard time. With Eorin…
With Eorin… I want to smile for him. Would that be wrong? Isn’t that much okay? I’ve lived such a hard life… I muttered to myself.
After all those events, Teacher couldn’t stand anything to do with Haebam. So I pretended to be the same. But the truth was I missed it desperately. I missed it so much I thought I’d die, and knowing I couldn’t go back made me cry even more.
Why are you so warm, still so kind, that I can’t even forget you…
Teacher was the only person I could confide in, but now even Teacher was gone. Then who would soothe my thorns?
I held back tears while watching the lights passing by outside the bus window. The vanilla scent deeply embedded in the scarf was sweet, making the bitter taste wrapped around the tip of my tongue even more bitter. Even while savoring that bitterness, I deliberately didn’t take off the scarf. Until I arrived home, I remained with my whole face buried in that scarf.
So foolish of me. Feeling like all the people in the world would mock me, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. When I felt alone in the darkness, it seemed a little more bearable.
Some children, when sick, would cry or throw tantrums showing all sorts of signs, while there were also children who became quieter and more docile. When I worked at the orphanage, I’d seen many children who were sick quietly, and Jiwon was exactly like that. Since he wasn’t a very lively child to begin with, it was even harder to notice that being docile meant he was sick. I’d heard about it from Eorin, but it wasn’t until Jiwon was really sick that I understood Jiwon’s clinginess.
It was around that time, at the boundary between spring and winter. After feeding him lunch, I picked up Jiwon to put him down for a nap. But Jiwon’s body seemed hotter than usual. I checked his temperature with the thermometer from the shelf and it was a bit high. I wasn’t as startled and scared as when I first learned the job, but my heart still sank all the same. I immediately sat Jiwon down and took out my phone.
—…Hello? Chiwon-ah?
“Eorin-ah, Jiwon has a fever. I think he’s getting a fever cold. I think we need to go to the hospital, so I’m calling.”
—Are you going to take a taxi? No, wait. I’ll ask Secretary-nim. Wait, okay?
“Yeah.”
It was a somewhat urgent voice. I habitually nodded, then realized he couldn’t see from his end and answered out loud. And only after hanging up did I notice that this was the first time I’d contacted Eorin first since we’d exchanged numbers. Because I always contacted Secretary Cha or Eorin contacted me first.
But it wasn’t the time to fall into contemplation. I put an outer coat on Jiwon and picked him up. Jiwon remained silent the whole time.
“Jiwon-ah, didn’t it hurt?”
“…”
“We’re going to the hospital now. It won’t hurt. Just hang in there a little, okay?”
Jiwon quietly buried his face in my arms and rubbed against me. A slight increase in clinginess was the extent of his complaints. Feeling sorry for not noticing, I gently stroked the back of Jiwon’s head. Jiwon hugged my neck tightly. While patting his back, I suddenly realized.
“Jiwon gets lonely when he’s sick. Right?”
“…”
“Teacher has felt that way too, so I know.”
Would this young child understand what loneliness is? I spoke to him gently. Because I knew that a kind voice heard from within someone’s arms gives great comfort.
