“Well…….”
Kkotmoa trailed off ambiguously and tilted his small head slightly. Seeing him bite the end of his mechanical pencil, it seemed he still hadn’t broken that habit. Seeing this familiar sight made me so happy that my chest ached for no reason and the pit of my stomach tingled.
“Mm……, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim, I’ll decide based on what you do.”
“……What should I do then.”
I was ready to do whatever he asked. I had no intention of apologizing for confessing and kissing him on my own, but if he told me to apologize for running away like a coward without saying anything, I was prepared to get on my knees and apologize. If doing so would make him give me another chance. No, forget about a chance—if he would just give me an opening to get close to him.
“Hello. Oh, Hyeondo sunbae-nim. Could you give me that? I ran here because I was worried about being late, so I’m really thirsty. I’m craving something sweet too.”
A girl I think I saw at the freshman welcome party—someone whose name I didn’t even know—stood there in a fluttering dress and smiled at me. What she was asking for was the mango juice still in the carrier in my hand. Since there were two cups, she must have thought one was spare. Whatever the case, there are always people like this who can’t read the room. Acting friendly when did we even meet? We’re having a very important conversation right now.
Kkotmoa was staring at me far too obviously. As if to see what I would do. And I was desperate to score points with him.
“I don’t know you.”
“……Pardon?”
“Why should I give this to you? It has an owner.”
At my cold reply, Kang Junwoo waved his hand at the girl from beside me. A gesture telling her to get lost and read the room. If I wasn’t seeing things, I could have sworn Kkotmoa’s lips curled up slightly in what seemed unbelievable. But since they immediately returned to their original position, there was no way to confirm whether it was real or not.
“What should I do then.”
“…….”
I asked again, but there was no answer from him as he just stared straight ahead. I let out a small sigh and placed one cup of mango juice on Kkotmoa’s desk.
“Please drink it, hubae-nim.”
“I’ll enjoy it, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim.”
“That…….”
“Yes?”
“……Can’t you at least drop the family name when you address me?”
Instead of answering, Kkotmoa took a sip of the mango juice. His peach-colored lips pursed, creating an adorable shape. He looked like a baby bird jutting out its beak to receive food from its mother. I must have been staring too blankly, because I only came to my senses after Kang Junwoo nudged me with his elbow and sat down.
Kang Junwoo sat between me and Kkotmoa. Normally I would have considered him an obstacle, but now he felt like a bridge, so human affairs really are unknowable no matter how much you think you understand them.
“Kkotmoa oppa, your cardigan is really pretty. Isn’t this brand super expensive? Wait, I think this was released as a limited edition before.”
A girl I’d never seen before sat in the seat in front of Kkotmoa and acted friendly. I had no idea when or where they became close, but Kkotmoa spoke informally and warmly, engaging with her words. The cardigan Kkotmoa was wearing wasn’t particularly pretty—just a clean, plain navy-colored cardigan. The brand was a luxury one so it was definitely expensive, but even that wasn’t special to me. In fact, his face was a flower to my eyes, so whatever he wore, the clothes wouldn’t catch my attention. The cardigan was a bit loose on him so it looked big, but since loose fits are popular these days, even that was pretty.
“It’s not mine, so I don’t really know either. It’s probably an expensive brand, I guess? Yeah, it’s probably really expensive.”
“Huh, what are you talking about?”
“It’s already all in the past, but anyway, this is my first love’s cardigan. I need to return it but haven’t had the chance, so I just wear it every spring. This is the only thing I can keep from what I received from my first love.”
“Who on earth was oppa’s first love that they were this big? This is super loose even on you.”
Kkotmoa didn’t answer and just smiled brightly. And I was swept away by a massive wave that crashed over me like a tsunami, floundering and unable to come to my senses. The cardigan he was wearing was my cardigan that I had put on Deonggeori at the department store back in the day. Even though he expressed it as something already in the past, I could understand. So, so your first love was……, me.
No, wait. That can’t be. Was his first love really me?
Unable to believe this fact, I stared at Kkotmoa, forgetting even to blink. Whether he didn’t feel my gaze or was pretending not to notice, he continued talking about the cardigan with the girl in the front seat. All sounds were blocked out and only Kkotmoa, moving his lips to say something, was visible in my field of vision.
“That outfit…….”
“Did you just figure it out now, you idiot? Ah, what the hell do I do with this fucking idiot? Having a moron like this as the top of our department is an embarrassment to the school, seriously. No, how the hell did this bastard even get accepted to our school?”
At my muttering words, Kang Junwoo sitting next to me clicked his tongue and shook his head. So does that mean Kang Junwoo knew when only I didn’t? No, how is that possible? Does this situation even make sense?
What on earth was I so afraid of that I ran away…….
“Even though we’ve been friends for 20 years, I wasn’t curious at all whether you were alive or dead. You act so smart all by yourself and look what happened. Don’t look at me, I’m just going to watch the movie. Audiences aren’t supposed to interfere with the movie. That’s the beauty of films. Everyone knows except you, you dumbass.”
While I couldn’t collect myself, the professor came in and started the lecture. I couldn’t concentrate. I was busy stealing glances at Kkotmoa out of the corner of my eye. He was focused on the lecture as if he’d never mentioned his first love.
I couldn’t forgive my foolish, immature past self.
After hesitating, I wrote a note and passed it to Kang Junwoo. At his look of “what is it,” I gestured with my chin to give it to Kkotmoa. With an expression full of annoyance, Kang Junwoo passed the note to Kkotmoa, then scribbled something in the corner of his notebook and showed it to me.
[Fuck, I have no intention of playing Cupid or some shit]
[I’m going to be the devil who interferes with you two, you fucker]
He’s so crude that he can’t have a conversation without adding “fuck.” Now even Kang Junwoo’s “fucks” felt like cute interjections. You need to watch your words and actions normally for that to become your character, but at this rate, this bastard would be saying “fuck, fuck” even at Kangsan Group executive meetings.
While doing something like a staring contest with Kang Junwoo, glaring at each other, the note came back. Below my angular, cold-feeling handwriting was Kkotmoa’s round and cute handwriting. His handwriting was still the same.
[Let’s talk after this ends]
[I have nothing to say, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim]
To my informal speech, he responded with formal speech and the title “sunbae-nim.” If that’s what he wants, even though I’m upset, I have no choice but to match him. I wrote more content below it and stretched my arm out long to land it on Kkotmoa’s desk. It was unpleasant that my body inevitably touched Kang Junwoo, but it was better than asking again and having another staring contest. We exchanged notes like this several times.
[I have something to say, hubae-nim]
[I’m busy, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim]
[Don’t be like that and spare me 10 minutes, no, just 5 minutes, hubae-nim]
[I don’t have time for that.]
[Then can’t you spare even 1 minute? Really, 1 minute is enough.]
[I’m busy because I have to go to my part-time job, sunbae-nim]
[Then I’ll talk to you on the way to your part-time job, hubae-nim]
[I’m going to refuse, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim]
As I was writing, I thought what the hell am I doing? Hubae-nim, sunbae-nim, what a damn mess. My mind changed. At this rate, even if we lived our whole lives, forget about getting closer—I was anxious thinking we’d be saying hubae-nim and sunbae-nim until we died. No matter how much Kkotmoa wants this, I absolutely can’t do it.
My heart hurts so much I could die.
[I won’t take much of your time. I really have something to say. If even 1 minute is hard, then fine, 30 seconds. Please listen to what I have to say for just 30 seconds. I’m asking you]
This time the note didn’t come back. Kkotmoa, who kept his gaze on the note quietly, was about to write something but then put the note in his pencil case as is. I couldn’t tell whether that was permission or refusal. I was so anxious.
All my nerves were focused on Kkotmoa, so I didn’t even know the lecture had ended. I came to my senses seeing Kkotmoa packing his bag and Kang Junwoo stretching. At Kkotmoa’s movement to stand up first, I unconsciously followed and stood up too, but Kang Junwoo grabbed his arm first.
“Kkotmoa, let’s go eat. There are lots of good restaurants near school. To commemorate attending our first lecture together today, I’ll treat you. Day drinking is good too.”
“Day drinking is good, but I have to go to my part-time job.”
Come to think of it, I still didn’t know Kkotmoa’s alcohol tolerance. I did see him drinking soju like water at the freshman welcome party without his complexion or expression changing at all, but since we’d never properly drunk together, I couldn’t know. He still hadn’t shed his boyish appearance, so alcohol didn’t suit him. That’s why I felt a sense of dissonance at his words that day drinking was good.
“Part-time job? Did you get a new one?”
“No, I told them I only had one class today, so the boss asked me to help. It’s good for me since I’m making extra money in my spare time.”
“Where? The flower shop? Or the cafe?”
“The cafe. They said there are a lot of customers because the semester started.”
I knew from Secretary Park’s report that Kkotmoa worked part-time at a flower shop and a cafe. The cafe was weekend morning shifts, from 7 AM to 2 PM, and the flower shop was weekends from 5 PM to 9 PM. According to the report, at the flower shop he received free lessons in exchange for accepting less than minimum wage for his part-time pay. Even though he came to the business administration department, Kkotmoa couldn’t let go of the flower shop work. As if it were his separated family.
“Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim, will 30 seconds be enough?”
“Huh? Ah, yeah.”
“Is it something you can say here? Or…….”
“Let’s go somewhere quiet.”
I grabbed Kkotmoa’s wrist without thinking and led him. The wrist that filled my hand completely was quite thin and delicate, which was a bit startling. While thinking about where to go, the club room came to mind. If anyone was there, I planned to kick them all out. Maybe because this was time obtained with difficulty, or because I realized that the misunderstanding I should have cleared up first wasn’t about saying I liked flowers—I was impatient and anxious.
