“You can let go. I won’t run away, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim.”
“That…, can’t you stop adding that to the end of every sentence?”
“Then if I don’t call Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim ‘Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim,’ what should I call you?”
I was left speechless by the way he said it while rolling his big eyes round. If I had felt it was sarcastic, I would have at least retorted with something, but his face held nothing but pure curiosity, which completely blocked my words. He was always like this. That’s why I could never grasp his intentions and always interpreted things however suited me best. I had no choice but to let go of his wrist.
“Fine, do as you please. I’m going to do as I please anyway.”
“……You’ve been doing as you please all along anyway.”
“What?”
“I didn’t say anything. You said let’s go somewhere quiet, wherever that is, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim.”
I was certain he had muttered something, but I couldn’t hear it properly. I was a complete mess right now. I had realized far too late what I should have said to Kkotmoa first, and I was even wishing I could turn back time. In fact, it was what I should have said first the moment we reunited.
Until now, I had been thinking only of myself under the excuse of doing things for you. Even if it was too late, I had to make it right. I knew exactly what I needed to say.
At the club room I hadn’t visited once since returning to school, one guy was coming out trying to lock the door.
“Hey hey, I’m going in, so don’t lock the door.”
“……Are you really in our club? I haven’t seen you once in 2 years.”
“Do Hyeondo, class of ’09. Returned to school after discharge.”
“Ah, that Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim?! Hello, I’m,”
“Move. I’m busy.”
I pushed past the guy I didn’t even know and opened the door. I gestured with my eyes for Kkotmoa to go in first. Kkotmoa, who had given the useless guy an awkward smile as a greeting, entered first, and after following him in, I locked the door. Click—the sound rang out unusually loud. In the old days, we had been fine together even in Kkotmoa’s room, which was smaller than this, but now I felt a suffocating pressure that made it hard to breathe. My heart pounded loudly enough to be heard across the country.
“Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim, it’s already been way more than 30 seconds since we got here, you know?”
Only Kkotmoa was relaxed and calm. Even while saying that, Kkotmoa set his bag down on the sofa and sat comfortably. I couldn’t even sit down and just blurted out my words first. It was because of the ridiculous worry that if I sat across from him, he might get up and leave at any moment.
“I won’t make excuses. I won’t make any justifications either.”
Eyes filled with doubt came and pierced into me. In contrast, I dropped my gaze to the floor. I still didn’t have the courage to face my upright purity while speaking. What right did I have to face you, who remained clear, when I had already been absorbed into the adult world, lost my purity, and become corrupt?
“……I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t shamelessly hoping for forgiveness. This wasn’t an apology to ease my own conscience either. This apology was something I had to give him. It was an apology I absolutely had to make to him, who had been my childhood purity.
“I should have said I was sorry first, but I’m sorry for doing it now.”
“……”
“I’m sorry for getting rid of my phone, not contacting you, and running away without a word.”
“……”
“I’m sorry for going to the flower shop several times and secretly stealing glances.”
“……”
“But I’m also sorry for never appearing in front of you even once.”
“……”
“What I’m most sorry for is…, leaving you alone when you were having a hard time. That’s what I’m most sorry for.”
“……”
There was no reaction from him. Because I was clenching my trembling hands into fists and only looking at the floor, all I could see were his worn sneakers. Those sneakers with the clear brand mark were the same ones he wore 5 years ago when he was a high school senior. He had cherished and worn every day the sneakers that the flower shop dad had bought him as a birthday present. That’s why I had resolved to buy him sneakers as a birthday present too. Although I ran away before his birthday even came.
“I’m sorry……”
My voice, soaked with moisture, felt awkward.
“I’m sorry for everything.”
I didn’t need him to forgive me; I just hoped that at least my sincerity would reach him.
“……I’m sorry, Moa-ya.”
I hoped the voice I barely squeezed out would reach him. My vision blurred. I couldn’t see his sneakers properly. When I blinked, something dropped to the floor with a plop, and only then could I see his worn sneakers clearly. But soon they blurred again.
There was no sound for a long while, so I raised my head while swallowing back my choked-up feelings. If I had known it would be like this, I would have made eye contact from the beginning. My flower was biting his lips tightly while looking at me, tears of sorrow dripping down his face. My heart crumbled.
“I was wrong.”
“……”
“I’m really sorry, Moa-ya.”
My body moved before my brain. I approached him just like that, bent down, and embraced his small head against my chest. The strong yet delicate flower had endured harsh storms alone all this time with difficulty. Without leaning on anyone, he had grown up splendidly on his own. I didn’t want to leave him alone anymore, this person who seemed like he would continue to be that way. I won’t leave him alone.
“I missed you.”
Finally, I’ve faced you completely.
“I thought I’d die from missing you, Moa-ya.”
I hope the reason for this encounter is love…….
My vision blurred and became clear repeatedly. Something kept dripping from my eyes. The pointless wall I had built up all this time crumbled and the dam overflowed. My eyes stung and my cheeks were wet. My chest heaved and uncontrollable emotions poured out, yet I couldn’t even make a sound.
Because he neither pushed me away, nor embraced me back, nor cried out loud, but just held his breath and shed silent tears. Because he just cried quietly like that for such a long time.
That’s why I hurt more. That’s why I couldn’t let go of you in my arms. That’s why I couldn’t even offer clumsy comfort. That’s why I won’t leave you now. That’s why I will block all the harsh storms and protect my flower.
For years I tried to erase him from my heart, but it was impossible. I never forgot him for even a single moment. Even though I tried so hard to forget, I couldn’t. I should have used that effort to love him more—regret always comes with lingering attachment and at a belated timing. Like a fool, I only realized it after going through trial and error.
I’m grateful to know even now—that I can never let you go of my own will.
You are my precious flower, and you are my gentle spring.
……My Kkotmoa.
**5. Because It’s You**
I was sitting at a window seat in the cafe, just staring at the counter. Inside the counter was Kkotmoa with his eyes reddened. Still quite capable, he was moving quite busily, taking orders from customers and making coffee.
The cafe where I was sitting was the intersection cafe where we used to study together. Even though there was quite a distance between our university and the villa where Kkotmoa currently lived, Kkotmoa was working here. He had spent 2 years alone in this place full of our memories. Although it was only on weekends.
‘I have to go to my part-time job.’
Those were the first words he said after stopping his tears. He didn’t give any answer about my apology, but from his manner of speech that had returned to how it was before, I could guess that his heart had softened to some degree.
There was no conversation after that. Kkotmoa gathered his bag and left the club room, and I silently followed behind him, came all the way here, ordered a drink, and was endlessly gazing at Kkotmoa. Even when he had a moment to rest, he didn’t even glance toward my seat.
Just as the apron he wore at the flower shop suited him back in those days, the uniform and apron he wore at the cafe suited him too. Perhaps because the uniform shirt was black, his white face looked even whiter. With the apron also being black, in a way he looked like a chef. Well, he did know how to make really delicious food even without ingredients. I was already selfishly thinking that I wanted to eat his cooking again.
But was it really okay with just a few words of apology?
When you cried so much because of me…….
However, I didn’t know what more I should do. Even if I didn’t know what to do right now, every single day I would hover around him and beg him to look at me. I wouldn’t do anything he would dislike, and I was planning to spend my time primarily for Kkotmoa.
Because my world was revolving around my flower again.
Around 7 PM, Kkotmoa finished his part-time job and came out from the counter. He was only wearing a cardigan. Even though it was spring, the evenings were still chilly, and I worried that the sharp wind pretending to be a spring breeze would make him cold when he went outside. The trench coat I was wearing suddenly felt uncomfortable. I was sensitive to both cold and heat, but all I could think about was wanting to take this off and give it to him.
As expected, when we came outside, the wind brushing against my cheeks was quite cold. I couldn’t take off my trench coat to give it to him, so I just fiddled with the collar. He moved his steps without delay, so I quickly followed and opened my mouth.
“Let’s eat.”
“Why, Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim?”
Ah, so it’s staying that way. His manner of speech had softened enough, but the form of address hadn’t changed. I decided not to force him anymore. His wounds were too deep for me to insist only on my own feelings.
“Hubae-nim didn’t even eat lunch and worked part-time. You must be hungry.”
“I have to pick up Jae-a.”
“Then let’s bring Deonggeori along and eat together.”
There was no answer, but I knew it was permission. If it wasn’t, the quite capable Kkotmoa would have chased me away with a brightly smiling face. He would have refused very prettily with a smile, in a way that I couldn’t even dare to ask again.
I followed wherever Kkotmoa went. When he got on the bus, I got on the bus with him and kept the seat next to him, and when he got off, I followed him off and walked awkwardly side by side. And eventually, I took off my trench coat and draped it over his shoulders.
