In the end, I turned away from the funeral hall building without gaining anything and walked forward aimlessly.
I was confused about whether the man I saw was really President Choi. If it was him, had he come to pay his respects to Mom? Thinking about it, he had been Dad’s acquaintance, so there was a good possibility he knew Mom too.
But I also had to consider the possibility that I had seen wrong. I hadn’t gotten a proper look at his face, and I’d only glimpsed the tattoo on his neck in passing. Perhaps what just happened was all a delusion I’d created in my head.
I tried to recall more about President Choi, but it wasn’t easy to continue my train of thought. Like the past few days, my body felt incredibly heavy. Each step was a struggle, as if weights were attached to my legs. My thoughts kept breaking off abruptly.
I decided to shelve what had just happened in my memory for now.
In stark contrast to my gloomy state, the streets were lively. The surrounding restaurants were busy starting their dinner service. Unlike when I’d left home, the streets were overflowing with people.
Strangely, I couldn’t remember how to get home, so I drifted aimlessly among the crowds without a destination. It seemed I’d received too much stimulation today.
“Oh, it’s starting now. I think it’s beginning.”
“Let’s ask the owner to turn up the volume.”
Boisterous voices leaked out from a bar with its windows open. As I was casually letting it pass by like other noise, a familiar name faintly burrowed into my ear.
—Kwon Yujin is entering. This is the men’s 200m finals at the World Aquatics Championships.
When I turned my head, the World Aquatics Championships broadcast was showing on a screen installed on the bar’s wall.
—Kwon Yujin has shown some ups and downs in terms of condition and records recently. The key will be how much he’s recovered his pace in today’s race.
—As you can see, there are quite a lot of Korean press cameras at the venue. This level of attention is usually only seen at the Olympics. It shows just how high the expectations are for Kwon Yujin, doesn’t it?
—That’s right. How he overcomes this pressure will have a significant impact on today’s race results.
As if possessed, I stopped and stared at the screen beyond the glass window. The customers inside the bar were also paying attention to the broadcast while eating.
Soon, Kwon Yujin appeared on screen. The noisy bar instantly fell quiet.
“Ooh. He’s out.”
“I just hope he wins gold. That’s my wish.”
“Come on. Since when have you been interested in swimming?”
A couple sitting at the table right by the window laughed as they talked.
I stood rooted in the middle of the street, staring intently at the screen. Pedestrians bumped into my shoulders and back as they passed, but I was too focused on Kwon Yujin to care.
—Now Kwon Yujin is on the starting block. He’s preparing for the start.
A brief silence flowed from the screen. Appropriate noise was still flowing from the bar. But none of that ambient sound reached my ears.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Kwon Yujin, who had raised his concentration to the limit. He was staring beyond the water’s surface where not a single ripple formed. It was a scene that made even me hold my breath.
—Alright, waiting… Go!
Soon, with the signal, Kwon Yujin’s body shot forward like a bullet.
—Kwon Yujin, good start reaction!
The screen showed him maintaining a leading position from the beginning. At the same time, people around the screen let out small exclamations.
“Oh, he’s fast?”
—First 50m, he’s charging forward with speed. His streamline after entry is stable too. So far, it’s looking very good.
He came out of the first turn cleanly. He was maintaining a stable pace.
Then, with 150m remaining, his tempo noticeably increased. The distance between him and the other athletes, who had been close despite him being in the lead, began to widen visibly.
—Last 50m! Kwon Yujin is going into full sprint. If he continues like this, first place is confirmed.
—That’s right, now 15m! He has to hold on.
—He touches! Kwon Yujin touches first!
In the end, Kwon Yujin was the first to reach out to the touch pad. As expected, he was in first place.
Soon after, Kwon Yujin’s record appeared on the scoreboard.
—Alright, checking the scoreboard… 1:43.02. Gold medal! Men’s 200m gold medal at the World Aquatics Championships, confirmed!
—It was a perfect race that completely shook off his recent slump! At this pace, there’s nothing to worry about for the next race either.
The commentators excitedly poured out words rapidly. The customers who had stopped to watch the race finally started moving again and focused on their meals.
“Look at that physique. Wow.”
“They say records like that are hard to achieve in Korea.”
“Hey, so what? I heard he got complacent lately after making some money from commercials.”
“What are you talking about? His family is well-off, so what’s the big deal about doing commercials?”
“He won gold, didn’t he? Who cares if he’s complacent or not.”
At the last comment, I found myself slightly nodding without realizing it. Following Kwon Yujin, who was taking off his goggles and smiling brightly, I was smiling too before I knew it.
Only after watching the entire race did I notice that there were far more people on the street. I really should go home now. I started moving my stopped steps again.
My head, which had been cloudy as if covered in fog, became much clearer. The scene of Kwon Yujin rejoicing with his fist raised upward came to mind vividly, and it made me feel good.
Although the 100m and 400m events were still remaining, since he took first place in his main event, this was a clear achievement. I should tell him congratulations.
I took out my phone and wrote a text to send to Kwon Yujin.
[Congratulations on the gold medal and first place•]
He probably won’t see it right away, but he’ll check it later.
On the way home, I kept thinking about Kwon Yujin’s face as he came in first, touched the pad, and smiled broadly.
His widely stretching mouth. His even teeth. His nose bridge creasing. Water droplets running down his body. The cheers.
“……”
At first, I was definitely elated too, but for some reason, at some point it began to overlap with the portrait photo of Mom I’d seen at the funeral hall.
Smiling Kwon Yujin and smiling Mom. Both are unfamiliar to me. They’re expressions I could never see either. Even if Mom had been alive, she wouldn’t have made such an expression in front of me.
What would it feel like to actually see such a warm smile? I suddenly became curious.
A smile that makes you feel a gentle breeze in a corner of your heart just by looking at it—that must be for precious and beloved people. Like my full-blood siblings who grew up receiving love, or like Kwon Yujin…
I’m curious. How much of my deficiency do I need to fill to become like them?
I belatedly regretted it only after I’d almost arrived home.
I should have asked how it happened, exactly what caused her death. Come to think of it, I didn’t even know the reason Mom died. Did she pass away from illness after all?
Before I knew it, all my nerves and mind had returned to the funeral hall from a few hours ago.
‘Do you think it’s right to come to your parent’s funeral looking like that? Whose son is he! You should call the right people!’
The voice hostile toward me. The gaze that seemed to dislike everything from my head to my toes. The expression contorting as if facing something disgusting. What should I have said in that gap?
Would the outcome have been different if I’d immediately taken off my mask and hat the moment I was criticized? Even though I knew the wary reaction wasn’t solely because of the mask, I couldn’t stop making “what if” hypotheticals.
I thought it would be fine if I just dressed properly. Honestly, at that moment, I had even forgotten I was wearing a mask and hat. It would have been nice if someone had given me a heads-up first.
Someone, an adult more mature than me…
My mind is complicated. My stomach churned with various emotions. I knew the only way to instantly quell this emotional hunger and thirst—I’d learned it from Dad.
It was to drink until I got drunk. Then my stiff body would soon loosen, and my tense nerves would calmly settle down. The hot mass boiling inside would no longer be felt. As if paralyzed.
