Unable to suppress my anticipation, I checked my phone. However, a text from someone completely different from who I expected had arrived.
[Mom passed away.]
When I confirmed the sender’s name and the content, I unknowingly stopped walking toward home.
Lee Jiyul. A name I had saved a very long time ago. My half-sibling from the same mother.
Soon after, another new text arrived. It was the address of Mom’s funeral home.
“…….”
I stared blankly at the funeral home address and Mom’s name written on the screen.
Dead? Mom?
My thought process stopped for a few seconds. I barely came to my senses only after my shoulder bumped into a passerby.
When was the last time I saw Mom? Five years ago at the hospital over the hematopoietic stem cell donation issue was the last time.
In the end, thanks to another donor, I wasn’t needed anymore, but I didn’t particularly feel regretful. I just thought, “I see.”
Perhaps because of that, the word “passed away” written in the text didn’t feel particularly real. Since she left home before I entered elementary school, I had almost no memories with Mom. The few memories I did have were all of her getting beaten by Dad along with me, or lying down with her back turned to me, crying.
After hearing that she had remarried someone else and had two more children, I let go of even the faint attachment I had been holding onto.
That’s why even after Dad was arrested, when I went to prison, I couldn’t live with Mom and had to move between relatives’ houses and orphanages. It must have been difficult for Mom to handle me too. There was nowhere that would welcome the son of a thug and kidnapper.
‘Disgusting bastard. Your dad’s in prison, right?’
‘Jooyoung said you have to go to prison too.’
‘Ugh, your face is so creepy!’
Scenes I had forgotten floated around in my head in disarray. Steps wandering with nowhere to go and fingers pointing at me.
I gathered the bag in my hand and returned home. While mechanically organizing my things, I discovered that several eggs had broken. I was so out of it that I didn’t even know when or where I bumped into something.
After disposing of those, I put what remained in the refrigerator. Then I took out the only suit I owned from the closet and put it on. I thought I should probably go to the funeral.
Once I made up my mind, moving to the next step wasn’t difficult. I put on a mask and immediately went outside, heading to the address written in the text.
[Mom passed away.]
While riding the bus, I stared blankly at the ordinary scenery outside the window. The text saying Mom had passed away kept floating around in my head.
I felt strange. Because from the moment I confirmed the obituary news until now, I couldn’t feel any emotions. Even while wearing a black suit and heading to my biological mother’s funeral, I felt no disturbance.
I tried to recall Mom. But all that came up were scenes of her suffering. I couldn’t clearly picture what kind of bond we had or what memories we shared—everything was just blurry.
“The children are still so young, how could this…”
“Oh my, what kind of terrible thing is this.”
“She only suffered so much. How can she close her eyes now.”
When I arrived in front of the funeral home, several condolence wreaths were lined up at the entrance. Crying and conversation sounds alternated from inside. The atmosphere was chaotic.
After writing my name in the guestbook and handing over the condolence money, I immediately went to where the portrait photo was. Along with the thick scent of incense, I finally faced Mom’s face.
Only then did I realize that she had really died. Was it because of illness again? In the photo, she didn’t look that sick.
“Thank you for coming. But I’m sorry, who might you be…?”
The chief mourner, who was Mom’s husband, looked at me questioningly while greeting the mourners. I stared intently at his face for a while before opening my mouth.
“I’m Hyun Taeyoung.”
“Hyun Tae…young?”
“…….”
“…….”
After I said my name, the surrounding air suddenly turned cold.
Mom’s daughter, who had just become an adult, was looking this way from a few steps back with a surprised expression. She was probably the one who sent me the text. And next to her, a slightly younger-looking boy was blinking with an expression that said he didn’t understand what was going on. He resembled Mom.
Even though Mom’s face had already become too blurry in my memory, I could recognize her bloodline at once. So I unknowingly stared closely at my half-siblings.
Then I bent my knees to bow to the portrait photo. However, before I could properly lower my body, someone grabbed my shoulder. It was Mom’s husband.
“Wh-why are you here? Who invited this person?”
“Dad, I invited him.”
The daughter stepped forward and answered. Then the man’s brow furrowed harshly. In an instant, the mourners’ gazes converged on this spot.
Flustered expressions and displeased looks. Expressions as if facing something disgusting.
My shoulders reflexively shrank. My heart started beating rapidly with tension.
Some of the people here knew about my past. About Dad, about my sins.
“Did you invite him even knowing how much your mom suffered until the very end because of that bastard’s father?”
“Even so, he’s Mom’s son…”
“Son? Is someone who didn’t visit even once when his real mom got sick a son?”
“Dad!”
“Why would you invite a bastard who ran away saying he couldn’t donate cells!”
The husband raised his voice at his daughter. Then the son who had been standing quietly next to them started whimpering.
“I’m sorry, Dad. Stop it.”
“Lee Jiyul, you tell me. Does it seem right to come to your parent’s funeral looking like that? Whose son is he! You should invite people worth inviting!”
The man pointed at me repeatedly while shouting. His fingertips were pointing at the hat and mask I was wearing.
I couldn’t handle the converging gazes any longer. The atmosphere suggested this commotion wouldn’t end until I left this place.
I clenched my fists tightly and looked at Mom’s portrait photo one last time. Mom was smiling in the photo. It was unfamiliar.
In my hazy memories, Mom only ever cried in front of me. So you knew how to smile like this.
“Get out right now! Get lost! Can’t you hear me telling you to leave? How dare you come here…!”
At the thunderous shout, I finally left the funeral home as if being chased out. Without even being able to offer Mom one last stick of incense.
Outside was dark. I felt strange. I hadn’t gone there to ruin Mom’s funeral, but that’s what I ended up doing.
Come to think of it, whenever anyone was by my side, they always got angry or sad or showed tears. Dad, Mom, teachers, classmates, and even the child…. Just like Dad used to say, I might really be a fundamentally flawed human being.
‘Why would you invite a bastard who ran away saying he couldn’t donate cells!’
What was that about? I definitely got tested five years ago. But I was told that another person with matching tissue type appeared and they didn’t need my help anymore.
Was something miscommunicated? Or… did Mom not want to receive a donation from me?
I couldn’t completely leave the funeral home building and stood at the entrance, continuously mulling over what had just happened. The more I did, the hotter my eyes became, but tears never came out in the end. Because Mom wasn’t my family.
The real family I remembered was young Kwon Yujin. That ten-year-old child I took care of, fed, clothed, soothed, and watched over.
I had no family other than him.
“Oh my, excuse me?”
Just then, the door to the funeral home opened and a mourner came out. Since I was blocking the entrance, I stepped aside so the man could come out from inside.
The man walked quickly, passing by me as if brushing my shoulder. It was a very light contact, but strangely my gaze followed the man.
Black suit, short hair, hunched walk. And a face I confirmed fleetingly as he raised his head. It was a moment lasting less than a second, but strangely his features entered my vision one by one.
There was something on his neck below his face, but the time we crossed paths was so short that I couldn’t see it in detail. I felt like I’d seen him somewhere, but I couldn’t immediately recall when. Perhaps since he was Mom’s acquaintance, he might be someone I had seen once when I was young.
While thinking that, I lowered my head back toward the ground.
“Wait.”
Suddenly, the image that had been on the neck of the man who just passed flashed to mind. It wasn’t something smeared—it was a flower. A plum blossom. The tattoo that had been on President Choi’s neck in my dream.
“Hey!”
As my thoughts reached that point, I immediately ran out of the building to find the man. But the man in the black suit who had just passed me was nowhere to be seen.
