# Chapter 81
In the awkward air, Kadilen raised his body that had been leaning toward me. The blanket that had been wrinkled as he embraced me slowly returned to its place. Leaving the windowsill where the only light fell, Kadilen walked into the darkness. I was still looking at Jiman’s unfamiliar eyes. As Kadilen moved away from me and approached him, the cold chill instantly disappeared from Jiman’s face. He returned to a formal posture and mechanically recited details about my condition.
It seemed that Jiman had prevented Kadilen from coming to find me under the blanket. I could understand his position since I had collapsed in exhaustion. He calmly reported the treatment situation in a tone free from any blame. Kadilen, who had come late at night, gestured to me apologetically.
I had been watching Jiman with a strange feeling. Somehow I felt that he was suppressing his anger. The gaze that had startled me was long gone, but an unknown energy remained. However, until just before Kadilen left the room, Jiman continued the conversation in a calm voice without wavering. Just when I was beginning to think it might have been my imagination, Kadilen lightly kissed me and opened the door to leave. He didn’t forget to whisper quietly about the remaining promise between us.
“Your Majesty.”
And before Kadilen’s figure completely disappeared, Jiman stopped him with a voice different from before. My eyes automatically turned to the vivid light that appeared on his previously motionless expression.
“Don’t forget your promise.”
It was a low sound, but it clearly resonated in the quiet room. Kadilen paused for a moment to look at Jiman. Their gazes met, and an unfamiliar silence ensued. No one spoke, but I could clearly feel the sharp atmosphere floating between them. Kadilen was the first to avert his eyes. He turned around again to look at me, who had been watching them both with concern. Seeing him smile faintly, I forced the corners of my mouth up as well. Kadilen nodded once to Jiman, then walked toward the deserted corridor.
“What promise?”
As soon as he disappeared, I caught Jiman’s gaze. But he returned to his impassive face and fixed the disheveled bedding. He didn’t seem inclined to answer my question, which was a mixture of curiosity and worry. His profile, which had always seemed gentle, was unusually rigid today. He quickly tidied up around as if nothing was wrong, but his stiff expression didn’t completely hide his emotions.
“Is it something I shouldn’t know?”
“You look tired.”
“Don’t change the subject.”
I wasn’t going to back down. If it was a promise that touched both Kadilen’s and Jiman’s hearts, it wasn’t something I could easily pass by. My mood was already not good because of what happened between Devan and Jiman. I felt upset that it seemed like I had encouraged it, and if Kadilen joined in, it might not end as a simple fight. Though he wasn’t someone who often showed intense emotions, he was, after all, the king of a country.
I grabbed Jiman while putting on a deliberately firm expression. His arm, which had been moving as if busy, was easily caught by me. I racked my brain for an expression that could open Jiman’s mouth. But when I turned his body toward me urgently, his lips were tightly sealed and wouldn’t easily part. Jiman’s face contained fatigue, anxiety, worry, patience, and anger.
“Was the matter of the candidate selection also something I shouldn’t know about?”
It was a chilling voice rarely heard from him. My heart, which had been rapidly swelling, became frightened and contracted at the low voice that he had suppressed with all his might.
“You heard.”
“…”
“I just found out today, too.”
“Is this what Devan wanted to talk about earlier?”
“Yes.”
“I can understand why he was angry.”
“Are you… are you angry too?”
I stammered foolishly. The anger emanating from someone who didn’t seem likely to get angry was strangely more frightening. His face, which would smile whenever there was a chance, was cold as if barely suppressing his anger. The eye corners that used to curve kindly had lost their affection and hardened coldly. I slowly released Jiman’s arm that I had been holding. Without even being conscious of it, my body sank deeper and deeper into the blanket.
“If I hadn’t stopped you, you would have again…”
His rough, cracking voice suddenly broke off. Jiman sighed as if realizing his intensified emotions. While he struggled to compose his expression, I buried my curiosity about the promise deep in my heart. Today didn’t seem to be the time to question him. Jiman’s face, looking at me who was terrified, was now artificially regaining its usual warmth.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Please go to sleep now.”
He turned away, barely restraining his anger. While it was painful to see Jiman angry, watching his back as he moved away, holding back that anger, was even more frightening. My heart sank as his forcibly made smile looked completely different from before.
“Don’t go.”
“…”
“Let’s talk. If you leave like this, I won’t be able to sleep.”
I persuaded him, gathering my courage. It was better to deal with his anger. If we talked while I slowly told him about my conversation with Kadilen, his anger might subside. However, Jiman was already a few steps away from me, hiding his face toward the door. I called his name a few more times. After hesitating, he muttered in a voice mixed with a sigh.
“It’s what I need to say, Ludin.”
Eventually, Jiman looked at me. His face, shown again, contained an emotion greater than anger.
“If I send you away like this, how could I sleep comfortably either?”
As if he had never been that angry, his eyes looked painfully toward me. His slow gaze lingered on my face and carefully moved downward. There was a muffled sound in his slow steps. Jiman approached without even breathing to a place not even a full span away from me, who was half risen. A shadow fell over my entire body from his tall height.
“Without hesitation, he passes through a place I’ve never been able to touch.”
The place he traced with his hot hand was where Kadilen had lightly kissed and passed by. My forehead where the heat had cooled. Jiman’s persistent gaze caught on that cool spot.
“Every moment you breathe is so precious, yet I’m told to just wait.”
He hesitated at a precarious distance as he bent his waist without rushing. Every time his sunken voice was heard, hot breath touched my cheek.
“Hasn’t it all been waiting until now?”
“…”
“Why must you wait more? Why should you?”
Was my thought that I could persuade him just arrogance? The answer Kadilen had given about his position seemed woefully inadequate to him. I thought I would be the one most hurt by that fact, but Jiman’s eyes were stained with an even greater sadness than mine.
“If it were me, I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t make you tremble with anxiety, wouldn’t make you cry.”
“…”
“I would never leave you. Ever.”
He whispered overwhelmingly. It felt as if Jiman’s emotions had become a living creature, constricting me. Even in the air I breathed in, all of his heart was contained. I cursed myself for not being able to respond to that promise. I couldn’t leave him either, but we weren’t exactly of the same mind. I couldn’t definitely give him the future he wanted. In the heavy silence, he too was painfully aware of that fact. Jiman’s breath slowly left me.
“Of course, that’s… what I’ve already promised. It’s a pledge that remains valid in the future.”
He raised his body and hid his sorrowful expression. His low voice flowed calmly as if announcing the end.
“Even if I can never reach you. Forever.”
“…”
Jiman quietly turned his head. Now I no longer had any justification to hold him back. There was no proper reason to make his anxious back face me again. Nevertheless, my mouth moved tirelessly.
“Are you going to leave like this?”
“…”
“Stay longer. Let me explain.”
An urgent voice came out trembling. It was persuasion without serious thought. Without knowing what to say, I just blurted out whatever came to mind. It was because I was suddenly frightened by his final expression. If I let him go like this, it felt as if I would never see the face of the Jiman I knew again. It was right after hearing his promise to stay by my side forever, yet there had never been a moment when I was more afraid that he would leave me.
“…Not today.”
“I’m supposed to go to Arzel’s castle tomorrow. I’ll be there for a while…”
Then the time when I can make up with you is… you know what I mean. I hoped he would understand even though I couldn’t finish the sentence. I made a pitiful sound, knowing it was selfish. It was frustrating that I couldn’t say more because my voice was trembling terribly.
“Jiman…? Please.”
At my unstable voice, Jiman stopped his unhesitating steps. I was insanely grateful for the fact that he was hesitating. I held him back time and again when he said we should talk later. I didn’t have the confidence to go far from him, leaving our precarious relationship behind. After desperate wrangling, Jiman, who seemed like he would just disappear, turned around and came back to me. His eyes, which had been sorrowfully powerless, were now boiling with a fervor I had never seen before.
“You’re the one who held me back.”
“…”
“So forgive me, Ludin.”
With a locked voice, he bent his waist. He broke the invisible line and embraced me. The ceiling collapsed as the suppressed breath exploded. Jiman, who strongly held my dizzy gaze, swallowed all breath and passionately tasted my lips.
