# Chapter 80
The moment I closed my eyes, I was perfectly cut off from the world as I wanted. Realistic pain disappeared, and I wandered through a hazy dream. The vague shapes that emerged were grotesque as if reflecting my unconscious, but I covered my eyes and walked unsteadily forward. I slowly stepped along an endless track. Gradually, more and more people appeared on the path. Everyone quickly passed me by. Looking closer, I realized that while I was walking, everyone else was running at full speed. Suddenly, I felt a sense of crisis. I tried to run with them without knowing why, but it wasn’t easy. My legs stretched like taffy, as if weighted down. I finally gave up. Let whatever happens happen. I just abandoned everything and slumped down. When I collapsed and looked ahead, I could see the destination where people were running toward in the distance.
There stood Kadilen, dazzlingly beautiful. In the most magnificent form I had ever seen. Embracing all the women who had passed me. I lay there pathetically, watching his bright smile.
It’s unfair. You look too happy.
“Ludin.”
I opened my eyes, and now Kadilen was looking at me with an expression far from a smile.
For a moment, I was confused whether this was a dream or reality. The world was dark, and it was the same in my dream. The only difference was that Kadilen was close to me. With eyes stained with love and worry. Not forgetting the promise he made to me. Now I was truly starting to confuse dreams and reality. Which one was closer to the truth? In any case, Kadilen whispered softly. It was the same gentle voice I remembered.
“I came because I was worried. Don’t be sick.”
“…I love you.”
“…”
“I love you, Kadilen.”
I mumbled. It was a confession that didn’t match the situation. Desperate emotions flowed from my mouth, ignoring my intentions. I slowly reached out and wrapped my arms around his neck. Kadilen was drawn to me quietly. I didn’t care whether it was a dream or reality. If I didn’t have much time left, I wanted to kiss him.
At least while I still believed he loved me.
While he was still mine.
Our hot tongues entwined carelessly. Blood rushed to my lips as they brushed breathlessly. I swallowed my breath frantically. My mouth burned hot, as if about to melt. Yearning sounds escaped through the gaps between our pressed lips. My fingers moved urgently along his nape. Sharp nails traced down his back, leaving scratches. Kadilen, who had been responding properly, lost his self-control and rushed at me. His fingers roughly dug into my hair. One hand moved down to my waist. My body involuntarily trembled along the touch that brushed so precariously. It was different from usual. I didn’t mind. Because right now, I’m the happiest.
“Why…”
But Kadilen suddenly froze.
Regardless, I pressed my lips against his again. Kadilen, who had been accepting my clumsy movements at a noticeably slower pace, once again carefully pushed me away. Something seemed off about his expression. He gently held me as I approached him and brushed aside the hair covering my face. His eyes were filled with shock. Only after a long silence could I identify the nature of that shock.
“Ludin. Why are you crying?”
Tears that had run down my cheeks had wet my lips. Once I became aware of them, the tears flowed uncontrollably. The window by the bedside rattled, making crying sounds as the night wind played with it. Kadilen’s face, illuminated by moonlight, grew increasingly serious.
“Was I too hasty?”
“No.”
“Then are you in pain somewhere?”
I shook my head. His expression grew even more concerned. When daylight came, I had intended to ask him with a clearer mind. With a more organized heart. With a prepared attitude.
But I whined like a child. It was completely different from what I had planned. Even as I spoke, I thought it was the worst choice. Yet my mouth moved without stopping.
“I saw the document. About selecting a queen… It had Your Majesty’s signature.”
“…”
“The signature looked so…”
My voice trembled, and I paused briefly. I swallowed my tears and opened my mouth again, but my voice still shook weakly.
“It looked as if it was written so easily.”
“…”
“Do you really intend to marry? Leaving me?”
“…Ludin.”
“I can understand that. No, I might have understood. If Your Majesty had explained it to me. If someone hadn’t been choosing Your Majesty’s bride without my knowledge…”
It sounded like a ten-year-old’s tantrum even to my own ears. But there was no way to hide my resentment. I hated him for pushing me back into doubt. I hated him for creating this secret from me just when I thought we had finally reached a stable relationship. The fact that this secret denied my existence, denied our relationship, made my heart ache even more.
Kadilen exhaled a deep sigh. The night wind brushed past his shadowed face. The few minutes waiting for his answer felt like hell. I tried hard to erase Devan’s words asking what would change from my mind. Since our relationship began to erase regrets, I had to do my best even if this was truly the end. I needed to hear what he had to say. Kadilen raised his hand with sad eyes. He carefully wiped my tears.
“It was to protect you.”
The moon, hidden by clouds, withdrew its light from his face. Like the subdued moonlight, his voice grew even quieter.
“There are those who fear me getting close to you. The closer I kept you, the more I felt I was putting you in danger. I had no choice but to speak of you… as if you were just a casual relationship.”
“…”
“And I needed to show the ministers that I was accepting without hesitation.”
His pained expression was no dream. Kadilen felt my pain exactly as I did. Wiping my tears, he whispered softly.
“It was never my true intention, Ludin.”
I pondered his words. Quite some time had passed since I became publicly close to him, starting with the deal with Luan, so it wasn’t unreasonable that such a situation had arisen. But when I asked the attendant about the surrounding circumstances out of concern, or when I approached Kadilen in a corridor where everyone could see, I was never told about the seriousness of the situation. The nobles I encountered by chance weren’t hostile to me, and the attendant advised me not to worry needlessly. Perhaps it was because Kadilen had been acting for the nobles all along. Because he had spoken of our relationship as less serious. And because he… had shown consideration for noblemen’s daughters as potential brides.
“Why didn’t you tell me in advance?”
“I didn’t want to make you worry about this too. Aren’t you already worrying about too many things? I know how you worry about Rio every day.”
He said sadly.
“After everything was resolved well, I was going to tell you then.”
“Then what happens from now on?”
I tried to find a more refined expression, but an honest question popped out.
“Do I have to appear as just a casual relationship to Your Majesty for the rest of my life?”
“No, that’s not it.”
He answered immediately. Kadilen now stroked my hair. Though I tried not to be swept away by his delicate touch, my anxiety naturally subsided. Kadilen gently stroked me in a neat rhythm. His calm voice tickled my ear like a lullaby.
“I’ve lowered my posture because the situation is dangerous in many ways right now. Once the rebellion is resolved, I will raise my voice, and I will make sure no one harms you. Can’t you trust me a little more?”
“Then… then what about Your Majesty’s heir…”
“You don’t need to worry about that.”
His voice was firm. Is that true? Is it really something I don’t need to worry about?
“You just need to stay by my side. You just need to not leave me. Ludin.”
Kadilen gently held my gaze that kept turning elsewhere.
“Please promise me. That I won’t lose you.”
He smiled calmly, but he looked somewhat anxious. His wavering gaze examined my complexion again and again. Only then did I notice his fear. As much as I was afraid, he was afraid too. He was anxious every moment, uncertain of what answer I would give. Even while calmly clearing up the misunderstanding, while persuading me, he wasn’t sure if I would really stay by his side.
I knew that feeling. I knew it better than anyone. And I also knew that this feeling came from affection that captivated the heart. Though the situation was still frightening and problems remained unresolved, that fact reassured me for now. The fact that he still loved me as before.
“I…”
But as I was about to allay his anxiety, the sound of a door opening broke the stillness of the quiet night. It was hard to recognize who was standing in the dark doorway. My head turned, but Kadilen continued to look at me. He stared intently at my lips, waiting for me to finish my sentence. But as if to interrupt my words, someone slowly revealed themselves from the darkness.
“Jiman…?”
He bowed politely at the waist. Only then did Kadilen reluctantly turn his gaze. Jiman calmly observed proper etiquette with his usual demeanor.
“It’s late. You should return now.”
But when he raised his head, I was a bit taken aback. His eyes, reflecting the moonlight, had lowered their temperature infinitely. That cool gaze, not losing its way, was directed straight at Kadilen.
