I quickly stuffed the tester into my pocket and smiled brightly at Yoo Seonjae, who was looking at me puzzled. He was still in his handsome suit just like when he left in the morning, and even in this situation, I found it absurd that I thought he was handsome.
“No, I was just dizzy for a moment.”
Even I thought my excuse didn’t make sense, but Yoo Seonjae seemed quite surprised. Well, the sight of me crouched on the bathroom floor is a bit surprising.
“Wha! No, I’m fine, I’m fine, honey.”
Yoo Seonjae scooped me up and left the bathroom. I struggled in his arms, then relaxed my body in case the tester in my pocket fell out. He seemed to misunderstand that too.
“Yeoul, are you very dizzy? Do you have no strength at all?”
“No… I told you I’m fine.”
I’m really fine. I’m just staying still because I thought it’s better not to move if possible. There’s no need to worry that much…
First, once he puts me down, let’s hide the tester somewhere out of sight and act like nothing happened. Right. That would be better.
“Should we go to the hospital? Do you want to go to the hospital?”
Yoo Seonjae put me down on the bed and asked urgently while loosening his tie. Shaking my head saying I was fine, watching Yoo Seonjae all excited, I unconsciously felt a pull below and thinking what am I doing right now, I quietly closed my eyes.
“Want to sleep a bit, Yeoul? Are you very dizzy?”
“Mmh… I’ll sleep a bit.”
“Okay. I’ll be outside for now. Call me if you feel sick or anything.”
“Okay.”
As soon as Yoo Seonjae left the room, I put the tester from my pocket under the mattress. That was the only hiding place I could think of at the moment.
But where did Yoo Seonjae go that he’s reeking of incense like that?
When I was held by Yoo Seonjae, I faintly smelled incense from his body. He doesn’t have any particular religion so he couldn’t have gone to a temple…
He doesn’t really like artificial scents either, so he’s the type who doesn’t even keep common diffusers or incense at home.
Just where did he go and what did he do?
Actually, I was going to ask as soon as Yoo Seonjae returned home. Since I failed at tailing, when he came home I’d just openly ask where he went and what he did.
Seeing how he dressed up and went out, it can’t be nothing, so it wouldn’t seem strange to ask. Besides, I spent boring time ‘alone’ in an ’empty house without Yoo Seonjae’ all day today.
I unexpectedly got caught crouched in the bathroom, so I missed the timing to ask.
Since I made up some excuse about being dizzy, I should probably kill some time before going out…
Maybe it’s because I ate a lot and moved a lot since morning. I feel a bit tired…
I fell asleep in an instant.
I had a dream.
In the dream, Yoo Seonjae and I were kindergarteners. As if we’d returned to when we first met, no, as if we’d returned to that time when he came to find me at the kindergarten I attended, we were very small and soft.
The kindergarten playground had a dirt floor.
Thanks to the kindergarten principal’s educational philosophy that children should be close to the earth, we stepped on, touched, and played with dirt a lot. After playing around covered in dirt, we always lay down flat on the playground and looked at the sky.
At times like that, it was always the principal, not our homeroom teacher, who took care of us.
The principal would say:
[Kids. How does the sky look to you now?]
When the kids answered things like it’s high, it’s refreshing, it’s blue, the principal would always smile and say:
[Always remember the sky you’re seeing now. Later, there will be many days when you can’t see the sky even if you want to. There will be many times when you won’t even think to look at the sky. So you need to remember well the sky you’re seeing now.]
I didn’t understand what that meant at the time. When I understood the meaning of those words, I thought I had finally become an adult. Still, thanks to that sky I saw when I was young, I think I was able to endure even days when I had so little leisure I couldn’t look at the sky… just a little, just a tiny bit.
Still, it’s a playground I’d forgotten for a while… why is it suddenly appearing in my dream?
“Toad, toad, I’ll give you my old house, give me your new house.”
Yoo Seonjae sang while digging the ground with his face and hands covered in dirt. He was very small, cute, and dirty, just like when I first saw him.
Look at that runny nose.
I want to grab his nose and say ‘blow!’, but the hand I extended to grab his nose was also too small.
Ah, I see. Right now we’re both children. Then we should play like children.
“Toad, toad, I’ll give you my old house, give me your new house.”
I also dug the ground with Yoo Seonjae and added my voice to his song. Yoo Seonjae’s giggling crown was cute. As I sang like that and diligently dug the ground, the thought ‘just how long are we going to dig?’ suddenly crossed my mind.
Do young kids dig the ground this deep?
We were already sinking deep enough to have dug more than half into the kindergarten playground. Now… I think we can stop digging, and just as I was about to say that, Yoo Seonjae shouted “I found it!” and jumped up.
Startled, I fell on my bottom and looked at what he was holding in his hand and jumping around with.
…Gold?
“Yeoul, I found it.”
“Wow- Seonjae, you’re amazing.”
I don’t know what it is, but the me in the dream seemed to already know what Yoo Seonjae was looking for. What is that that makes him so happy?
After showing off the golden object in his hand for a while, Yoo Seonjae blew on it to dust off the dirt and brought it to me. Then he said:
“Ah-“
I opened my mouth “ah-” as Yoo Seonjae said, and soon the golden object entered my mouth.
…Chocolate?
The face of young Yoo Seonjae covered in dirt, smiling brighter than anyone, gradually faded.
“Honey, wake up.”
When I opened my eyes, instead of young Yoo Seonjae covered in dirt, there was Yoo Seonjae with a clean face looking down at me worriedly.
“Seonjae.”
I spread both arms to him. Yoo Seonjae came into my embrace. Whether he’d showered, a fresh shampoo scent mixed with faint pheromones.
It feels good…
I felt like I’d just been with young Yoo Seonjae, and somehow my heart felt all fuzzy. Even though we’d been together for so long, I still loved Yoo Seonjae. So much that I couldn’t imagine daily life without him.
Every moment of facing his face like this every day, holding him, being held by him, talking with him, sharing hearts—all of it is so precious that I always think: I’m really a lucky person.
If I hadn’t followed Dad that day and seen Yoo Seonjae, could I have lived receiving this much love?
Of course, everyone around me including Dad treats me kindly, but no one loves me as much as Yoo Seonjae does. No, maybe it’s that I don’t love anyone as much as I love Yoo Seonjae.
I was newly grateful.
That he and I share the same feelings. That we got married. That we’ll be together going forward.
Ah… Come to think of it, the pregnancy tester.
Suddenly I felt uneasy. What if I’m really pregnant?
[Have you ever asked why Seonjae dislikes children?]
Professor Yeonwoo’s words asking if I’d asked whether he still didn’t want children brushed past my ears. Didn’t he say nothing lasts forever? The professor said people’s thoughts can change from time to time and told me to talk to Yoo Seonjae about that issue again.
What if his thoughts still haven’t changed… No, before that, I needed to find out if I was really pregnant.
“Yeoul.”
Nestled in my arms, Yoo Seonjae raised his head and called my name. Seeing those sparkling eyes made my heart turbulent again, so I stroked Yoo Seonjae’s hair and answered quietly with a “Yeah.”
He probably doesn’t know what I’m thinking right now. How confused my heart is.
“You didn’t eat anything today, did you?”
“Huh?”
At Yoo Seonjae’s sudden question, I asked back in confusion.
“This morning you barely touched the juice. There’s no sign you ate anything at home either, and you’re not the type to go buy something to eat alone outside. You didn’t starve all day just because I wasn’t here, did you?”
“Ah…”
That’s not it.
I actually went to Cheonguk Gimbap today and ate a whole roll of tuna gimbap and a whole bowl of janchiguksu. Really fast too, and deliciously. It was the first time in my life I ate gimbap and noodles so deliciously. I ate that and fell asleep before it even digested, so my stomach is still full…
