# Chapter 148
At the same time, Tae Igyeol, who had gone to the smoking area in the backyard with Mo Yeongwoo, suddenly knelt down. Mo Yeongwoo didn’t have time to stop him.
“I’m sorry, Uncle.”
“What are you sorry for that you need to kneel? Get up quickly.”
Mo Yeongwoo grabbed Igyeol’s shoulders with a pained expression and pulled him up. He couldn’t feel comfortable seeing someone who was like his own son kneeling before him. He took out a cigarette, put it in his mouth, lit it, and then offered one to Tae Igyeol.
Tae Igyeol felt a deep craving for nicotine right down to his bones, but he shook his head. He thought this wasn’t a conversation to have while smoking together. However, Mo Yeongwoo insisted and placed the cigarette in Igyeol’s hand, turning the lighter wheel.
“Go ahead and smoke. You look like you’ll collapse if you don’t have this right now.”
Pretending to give in, he put the cigarette in his mouth. Meanwhile, Mo Yeongwoo brought the lighter, which had gone out, to the tip and turned the wheel again. With a hissing sound, the cigarette lit, and Tae Igyeol took a deep drag before turning his head to exhale the smoke. The dry, acrid scent gave him a sense of stability and helped him regain his composure.
“Don’t feel awkward. Take your time, finish your cigarette, then talk. Whatever has already happened, it won’t make any difference if we talk about it a few minutes later.”
“Thank you.”
Tae Igyeol finished smoking his cigarette while organizing his ultimate weapon in his mind. Whether Mo Yeongwoo would listen or not was uncertain, but based on what he knew of the man, he would keep his promise. While Tae Hyunseok tended to change his words frequently, Mo Yeongwoo always kept what came out of his mouth.
That’s why he needed to speak with Mo Yeongwoo before Eunje did to have a slightly better chance of gaining permission. He himself didn’t feel the need for permission, but Eunje was a righteous person with a kind heart and sound values, and he wanted to protect him.
The cigarette butt had become short, so he extinguished it in the ashtray designed for his grandfather—a large ceramic-like bowl half-filled with soil. A month ago when he came to New Orleans, Tae Igyeol had filled this ashtray with more cigarette butts than his grandfather had. Mo Yeongwoo also discarded his butt and immediately put a new cigarette in his mouth and lit it.
“Want another one?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“…You’ve been through a lot.”
Mo Yeongwoo inhaled deeply from the cigarette filter a couple of times and exhaled white smoke with a sigh of encouragement. For some reason, that simple remark sounded like comfort.
“You… knew, didn’t you? That’s why you said those things to me back then?”
“Listen, kid, whether your uncle knew or not isn’t important. What matters is that you persisted in your one-sided love and finally won Eunje’s heart.”
To Tae Igyeol, it sounded like he did know. As Mo Yeongwoo said, that wasn’t what mattered. However, it was significant that, apart from his grandmother, this was the only adult who had silently watched over him, anticipated this situation, and quietly offered a contingency plan.
“You’re not against it, Uncle?”
“…I can’t approve. To be honest, I can’t possibly approve. Eunje’s mother is my top priority.”
Mo Yeongwoo revealed his unfiltered thoughts. Since everyone had their own circumstances and positions, Tae Igyeol couldn’t force him, but after a moment of internal conflict, he steeled his resolve. He had nothing to lose.
“Uncle. Do you remember what you told me in Busan? You said that if I ever found myself at the edge of a cliff and sent you an SOS, you’d take my side no matter what, without any questions.”
“Igyeol, what you’re asking now is for me to hurt the one I love for the sake of your love. Do you realize that?”
“I know. I’m sorry. But please… help me just this once. If you and Auntie don’t give your permission, Eunje will suffer terribly. He’ll be in so much pain.”
“…”
“Even if we love each other, Eunje can’t be happy without your permission. Please help us, Uncle.”
Tae Igyeol knelt down again, his voice filled with desperation. Though he was someone who only cared about his own love and wouldn’t care if others’ love was hurt, he became earnestly desperate out of his desire to ease Eunje’s mind. He could kneel a hundred times if it would resolve this situation. He just wanted to get past this hurdle quickly and see Eunje smile brightly.
&
Dear Mom and Dad,
Hello. This is your only son, Eunje. I think this is my first letter to you since elementary school when I was forced to write one for Parents’ Day. It feels awkward, but I’m trying to write formally.
First, I’m sorry that the mood has become heavy because of us during this summer vacation that you’ve been looking forward to. I had no intention of ruining the vacation, so I’m truly sorry for causing you concern.
Still, I ask that you please listen to my story just once.
My first love was Tae Igyeol. I first realized that I liked him when I was in my second year of high school. I was surprised and shocked too. The intense feelings I experienced for the first time were confusing and frightening, but I was glad that the person my heart was drawn to was Igyeol.
However, I couldn’t continue to like him because I was terrified when I thought of Grandmother, Mom and Dad, Aunt and Uncle, Grandfather, Iden—all the people I consider family. I was afraid that Mom might fight with Aunt or that your relationship would deteriorate because of my feelings for Igyeol.
I really liked Tae Igyeol, but I couldn’t make Mom and Dad sad out of selfishness for my own happiness. You only have one son, and I couldn’t disappoint you. So I decided my feelings were inappropriate and ended my first love after just two weeks.
I thought it was over.
I cried a lot while questioning and denying my emotions, wondering if they were just a foolish fantasy. I spent painful, agonizing time trying to kill my feelings and deluded myself into thinking it was over. I convinced myself that my first love was sealed away without anyone finding out, that it never happened, and I deceived myself.
I tried my best to make an effort by dating a few girlfriends, but it wasn’t easy. Dates weren’t fun, and I felt like I was wasting time. I soon felt sorry for my girlfriends and couldn’t maintain the relationships for long. Sometimes during dates, I would wonder what I was doing and feel pathetic.
Do you remember when I lost about 10kg suddenly in my second year of high school, and Mom told me not to diet? I never dieted back then. I was just trying desperately to forget my first love, to kill my emotions. When Mom mentioned dieting, I thought it was fortunate. I hadn’t been discovered, so I didn’t have to worry you.
Looking back, Mom and Dad didn’t know much about me. There were times when I thought you weren’t interested in me because you were always busy, and I felt disappointed. But I knew you were working hard and suffering to raise me in an affluent environment. Sometimes I wondered if you would have been less busy and less stressed if I hadn’t existed.
When I was 10, we moved to a bigger house, right? But less than two years after moving, the leased house was put up for auction, and I remember you cried a lot on the day you struggled to win the bid to buy it. At that time, I didn’t know what an auction was, or what it meant when you said that a house that was already ours had truly become ours. Only when Igyeol studied and explained it to me did I vaguely understand that our house wasn’t actually ours, and why you had cried. That’s how more debt was created, and you both became much busier.
So even in moments when I needed or missed you, I hid my disappointment and never complained. I always held back, fearing that if I acted spoiled or threw tantrums, you would be sad and have a hard time. Whenever you praised me—saying I was good, admirable, that Eunje can do everything well on his own, that thanks to Eunje, Mom and Dad could work with peace of mind—I felt proud. The reason I was able to do this was because Igyeol was always by my side.
Despite giving up my first love and trying various things over the past eight years, nothing was as enjoyable and happy as spending time with Igyeol. Having Igyeol by my side and sharing my time with him became as natural as breathing, and now I can’t even imagine a life without him. I’ve realized that I can’t be happy without Igyeol.
Something kept urging me on, something that couldn’t be satisfied just by remaining friends, but I had to endure it somehow. I tried to deceive and delude myself, seeking safety in that state. I cowardly pretended to be friends while feeling pseudo-romantic emotions toward Tae Igyeol, substituting the tenderness of my unfulfilled first love. Because I acted that way, Igyeol couldn’t give up his feelings either. If I had truly sorted out my feelings, drawn a proper line, and treated him like I treat other friends, Igyeol would have somehow managed to kill his feelings too.
So, it’s because I didn’t behave properly and showed signs that I liked Igyeol that he couldn’t resolve his feelings for me.
I tried my utmost until the very end to not like Igyeol for the sake of the adults. In those days, I truly put Mom and Dad before myself. So I made choices for Mom and Dad, but after denying and turning away from my feelings, I became extremely unhappy. After killing my emotions of love to avoid betraying Mom and Dad, I truly wasn’t happy at all.
