Anyway, he hated pathetic things most in the world, so he wanted to deny that conclusion. So he examined it from the beginning. First, the “I’ve gone this far” part made up of narcissism and self-satisfaction.
He’d never thought about how far “this far” actually was, but anyway, this was different in form from the devotion Muyeon had resolved on. Did I really intend to endure even this patheticness? However, Baek Muyeon soon realized that whether he’d intended to endure it or not, he was conclusively practicing this pathetic act right now. Damn it.
If this is self-satisfaction that requires doing even this kind of thing to obtain it, I don’t need it. Have I really come this far for such useless things? Reality check was inevitable.
However, while he kept looking out the window and sighing, he didn’t feel like turning the car around and stopping this pathetic act. From this point on, Muyeon got a bit irritated. To be precise, it felt like his insides were turning over. So Muyeon moved to the second part. ‘You’re the one who made me like this.’
For this statement to hold, one premise is needed. Both the speaker and the listener must agree that this act is pathetic. Clearly, Heo Seungju isn’t someone who would welcome this kind of thing. He was very sensitive to boundaries. In most situations, he obsessively followed common-sense boundaries according to universal standards. That made Heo Seungju look perfectly fine at first glance.
However, Muyeon now knew that was Heo Seungju’s pretense. Because of the clear contradiction he found in Heo Seungju. Muyeon even realized he’d found that hint long ago. The question he’d asked Yoon Hyeondo. Heo Seungju, who acts confusingly about whether they’re dating or not.
Seungju just lets flow Muyeon’s interest and wariness about the human relationships surrounding him, and the proper jealousy. As if such things don’t even exist. So even when he says point-blank that he doesn’t like drinking, Seungju doesn’t even pretend to listen and neglects contact.
It’s the same even when positions are switched. There are no reactions like anger or jealousy that should naturally follow regarding relationships surrounding Baek Muyeon. Between Muyeon and Seungju, Muyeon felt the universal and common-sense boundary that Seungju insists on. That’s really laughable. In Muyeon’s opinion, lovers should have no boundaries between them. If Heo Seungju is truly a common-sense normal person, he should naturally know this fact. But Heo Seungju doesn’t know it.
The absurd point is Heo Seungju’s eyes. Those eyes that fell for him, emotions overflowing without need for doubt. Yet holding onto boundaries with those eyes was ridiculous. He doesn’t know why. That must be the result of complex logic that didn’t need to exist in Muyeon’s world.
One correction. It’s not funny. It feels like his insides are turning over. To be precise, he’s angry. That was the second most intense emotion Baek Muyeon felt in front of Heo Seungju’s house. Anger with nowhere to go.
The anger summoned impulse, and the impulse made Muyeon call Seungju once more. When the waiting tone cut off without the call connecting, he got even more heated.
Soon the anger found the real reason Baek Muyeon was sitting here. It was Heo Seungju himself, drinking until this time without any contact. This was also one of Heo Seungju’s contradictions. Why does someone who likes everything common-sense so much pour alcohol far beyond the normal range into his own body?
So the second part also got an answer. You’re the one who made me like this. Right. Heo Seungju is bad.
Then is this conclusion really the thought of a narcissistic, selfish bastard? No. Muyeon realized the answer he’d thought of earlier was wrong. Anyway, because he’d obtained the conclusion that he wasn’t despicable, normally Baek Muyeon would have smiled once at his intelligence for finding the right answer and at himself who was still perfect, and ended it there, but not now. Because the correct answer made him tense.
If doing things he didn’t want to do for reasons he couldn’t understand himself, wandering to find the answer among countless thoughts while risking being swept away by waves of emotion wasn’t because he loved himself.
After quite a bit more time passed, and while the surroundings gradually became quieter, the anger turning his insides over boiled up even larger, but because Muyeon still possessed clear reason, he had no choice but to slowly acknowledge it.
Yeah, I’m going crazy because of Heo Seungju.
Letting out a long sigh and getting out of the car, Muyeon smoked tobacco instead of an e-cigarette for the first time in a while.
He’d switched since starting to work at the company because he worried about the smell, so actually outside the company it didn’t matter what he smoked. Seungju had never complained about the smell of cigarettes either. But during this time, he’d smoked e-cigarettes like a habit. Like some kind of proof that he’d become accustomed to his new life.
Just because Muyeon got an answer to “what the hell am I doing here” doesn’t mean his frustrated heart was resolved. Rather, as everything became clear, his anger became even more vivid.
So fucking hell, who is he with and what is he doing that he won’t even answer his lover’s contact?
Thinking of Seungju drinking and playing ha ha ho ho with other people, his insides twisted. From what Muyeon saw, when Heo Seungju drinks, he becomes incredibly careless and becomes a person you can’t imagine at all from his usual appearance. Now Muyeon guessed that might be Seungju’s appearance behind his normal mask.
Another annoying thing is the fact that others understand with “he’s originally like that.” Just how much did he drink? And what the hell did he do every time he drank?
The Sales Team welcome party day was like that too. Heo Seungju, who didn’t refuse any alcohol others gave him and drank it all, said he was going out to buy ice cream and came back after a long while. And he was sitting outside the shop.
Muyeon, who had been following him with his eyes, went outside around when the first round was breaking up with the excuse of smoking a cigarette. He stood in front of Heo Seungju, who was sitting in a corner of the parking lot drinking an oriental raisin tree drink.
‘Did you drink a lot?’
‘Yes….’
‘Why?’
Seungju laughed and answered.
‘Because it’s company money. Free alcohol.’
It wasn’t an answer within the scope Muyeon imagined. Seungju laughed and answered again.
‘There’s also that, and I’m pissed because that Director bastard made me his driving shuttle.’
Indeed, this also wasn’t the way of speaking Muyeon had imagined from Seungju. It was something he couldn’t have guessed from his usual polite attitude and tone that was pleasant if anything but not insolent. The thought that his words themselves were funny, and curiosity from discovering an interesting side, along with favorable feelings—before all that, worry about Seungju, who was talking crudely without even distinguishing who his conversation partner was, came first.
Just how drunk is he to act like nothing is visible before his eyes?
‘Let’s go, Seungju-ssi.’
‘Where?’
‘Second round.’
‘Is it company money?’
Surprisingly consistent for being drunk.
‘No, just the two of us drinking.’
‘Just us?’
‘We agreed to have a drink together, didn’t we?’
‘Ah, right.’
Seungju stood up from his seat. He swayed greatly. Muyeon could have just watched what happened, or he could have just said “be careful” without sincerity like Seungju did to the company’s many employees, but Muyeon chose a different action. He deliberately wrapped one arm around Seungju’s waist to support him.
Seungju, standing in place, looked up at Muyeon.
‘General Manager….’
‘Yeeees.’
‘You have such big hands….’
‘……’
‘And warm too….’
His face was visible quite close. Seungju blinked. His lips and cheeks were flushed red. His breath smelled of alcohol, but that wasn’t really a problem. Though his eyes were clearly drunk, his pupils sparkled distinctly.
That gaze meeting Muyeon’s eyes, nose, lips, and then going through his forehead to meet his eyes again.
‘Senior Seungju is starting again.’
Muyeon turned his head at the voice heard from the front. Dawon and several other employees seemed to have come out of the shop to say goodbye and discovered them. Seungju swayed again and then stood straight. Thanks to wrapping his arm around Muyeon’s shoulder and leaning on him.
‘What is?’
When Muyeon asked, someone answered.
‘Team Leader Heo’s drinking habit. He becomes best friends with everyone regardless of rank.’
‘Such a social butterfly.’
‘Only at drinking parties, right?’
They laughed among themselves. Seungju laughed too. Muyeon didn’t think to join in. The Sales Team people came to their senses first. Dawon quickly greeted first.
‘Then we’ll see you next week.’
‘Get home safely.’
Muyeon didn’t seem to have enough old-timer tendencies to drag employees to a second round, but still, you have to take care of yourself. When the group of people left, Muyeon turned around, dragged Seungju along, and put him in his car for now.
Thinking back on it now, there were two problems with Heo Seungju discovered that day. One was the content he recalled earlier. About how Heo Seungju drank in front of company people and what kind of reputation he was earning. The second was that he couldn’t distinguish between Heo Seungju’s just drunk state and completely wasted state.
Honestly, Muyeon thought Heo Seungju’s memory cut off after the second round that day. At least when he was clinging closely with his arm wrapped around him, he thought Seungju was in his right mind. He thought he was just showing his true self while drunk, not unconscious. So he thought Heo Seungju would also remember that it was practically Heo Seungju who seduced Baek Muyeon first. That’s why Muyeon didn’t tell Seungju this story.
So when he saw Seungju today without a single contact, almost crawling out of the taxi in a completely drunk state, and when he dealt with him spouting common-sense words well despite being drunk and talking back clearly in front of him, and decisively when he heard him say he didn’t remember what happened that day, Muyeon felt absurdity that made his head throb and simultaneously felt anger that made his head feel like it would burst, incomparable to what he’d experienced earlier, and realized the situation was that serious.
When Seungju finally started holding and kneading his hand, Muyeon thought with a mind that barely regained reason:
Heo Seungju is strange.
I can’t leave this strange alcohol lunatic alone.
