“Uh…. Soohyun-ssi… why… are you crying? Did I do something….”
“No. It’s… not that.”
For Soohyun, ‘Lee Jeongwon’ was someone he couldn’t forget until he died. Because he was the person who shared all of Soohyun’s firsts, and he was the one who shared his last moments.
“I… will have difficulty giving my heart as much as you hope, Seojun-ssi.”
“Soohyun-ssi…?”
“My inadequacy…, not being suitable, it includes that too.”
Love was also something one could only do when there was room left in body and mind. For Soohyun, who was about to turn thirty at twenty-nine, what was important right now wasn’t love but survival. Having sworn not to end his own life, because he had to live somehow, he couldn’t readily grasp Seojun’s hand.
Though they say life is long, youth was too short to burn passion without looking ahead or behind, and for Soohyun who was already tattered, the passion that remained had already hit rock bottom.
But his heart, which had run out of passion, lost its center and tilted again this time too. As before, it wasn’t something he could control on his own.
“It’s not that I dislike you, Seojun-ssi.”
He had never thought there would come a day when he would trust someone again and hold their hand. He had tried to stand alone in the world he came out to after five years, and so he had decided not to rely on anyone. But….
“…Even now, I’m not bad. Being together like this… Ah!”
Seojun hugged Soohyun and stroked his back. He found it lovely that he, who was very clumsy, was trying somehow to respond to his confession.
“Even this much is good. So. Soohyun-ssi.”
Seojun felt relieved as he felt the small trembling of Soohyun in his arms.
“Let’s… be together.”
And only after hearing Seojun’s words did Soohyun briefly murmur.
“Yes.”
**4. Breakable**
The two who spent a meaningful night together returned to their daily lives. Seojun was in his place, Soohyun was in his place, but the relationship between the two had become much closer than before.
“Seojun-ssi, it’s time to wake up.”
“Just a little more. Can’t I sleep for 10 more minutes?”
“Jinwoo-ssi is supposed to come at 9 today. It’s 8:30 now….”
Soohyun, who had woken up early in the morning to prepare Seojun’s meal and even packed a lunch box for him to eat in the middle of the day, shook Seojun’s body. It seemed like before he would wake up well at least…. Lately, Seojun’s spoiled behavior had increased considerably.
“…If Soohyun-ssi gives me a kiss, I’ll get up.”
Seojun stuck out his lips and whined at Soohyun, and Soohyun lightly kissed him as if familiar with it. As soon as Seojun heard the smacking sound, he opened his eyes with a happy expression.
“Soohyun-ssi, this makes us just like newlyweds.”
Soohyun still found it very difficult to keep up with Seojun’s pace. Him approaching quickly and himself who couldn’t even reach half his speed. But Seojun didn’t press Soohyun and waited for him. While doing so, he didn’t stop approaching. Watching him smile without being frustrated by his hesitation, Soohyun was able to smile little by little. More brightly than before, longer.
“…If we keep doing this, you’ll really be late. Hurry and get up.”
“Yes! I understand.”
Newlyweds. It must have been words said as a joke, but his heart beat noisily. After losing Jeongwon eight years ago, Soohyun didn’t dare dream of a life together with someone. Because that was something he shouldn’t do to Jeongwon. Even for him who left after saving him, Soohyun felt like he shouldn’t be too happy. Though no one had decided it should be so, such thoughts resided deep in his heart.
“Here’s the lunch box. You said you had work until lunch today. I packed one for Jinwoo-ssi too…. Will it be okay?”
Soohyun asked Seojun carefully. Seojun received the lunch box and his eyes sparkled brightly.
“One for Jinwoo hyung too? I just want to eat it all myself.”
“I packed plenty… so you don’t need to be greedy.”
“That’s not it! Because Soohyun-ssi made it, I don’t want to give it to someone else!”
At Seojun’s sulking face with his lips even sticking out, Soohyun chuckled. It was so different from when he first met Seojun. Though young, he had seemed serious, but Seojun acted particularly childish in front of Soohyun. He was more so after returning from the villa.
“I’ll make more for you next time.”
“You look so good when you smile. I’ll be back.”
Seojun waved with a pleasant smile. Hearing the sound of the front door lock clicking, Soohyun returned to the kitchen. After Seojun left, Soohyun’s real daily routine began.
* * *
“Seojun, did something good happen?”
“Huh? What did I do?”
“It looks like drool is falling from your mouth….”
Jinwoo tilted his head and examined Seojun’s face sitting in the back seat. What he had to do today shouldn’t be that pleasant, so why was he grinning like that? Jinwoo couldn’t understand.
“But what’s that bag? What did you bring?”
Jinwoo asked, looking at the shopping bag in Seojun’s arms. Seojun answered spiritedly as if he had been waiting for this.
“This is a lunch box.”
“What? A, a lunch box? Did you pack it?”
“Soohyun-ssi packed it for me.”
“Lee Soohyun-ssi did? He came early today.”
“Y-yeah. I asked him… to.”
Seojun quickly glossed over it, realizing his mistake. Even Jinwoo, who was his manager, didn’t know that Soohyun had changed from commuting to live-in. If Jinwoo found out, he would definitely jump up and down saying there was no need to create unnecessary gossip, so Seojun planned to keep it hidden until the end.
“To the point of asking for a lunch box. At first it seemed a bit not so good… I guess you like Lee Soohyun-ssi.”
“Y-yeah. He works well. He’s very diligent too. Also….”
He’s incredibly pretty and lovely! I fell for him completely at first sight! He wanted to shout proudly, but he had to hold back. It wasn’t that Soohyun was embarrassing in any way, but Seojun didn’t work alone. His agency, his manager, and even contracts. If Soohyun’s existence became known, many things would surely become complicated.
Gaining popularity in the entertainment industry was very difficult, but losing it was instantaneous. Moreover, Seojun had to be especially careful because he was entangled with CF contracts in various places. This was because there were somewhat dangerous penalty clauses.
“That’s good. Now you won’t have to struggle to find people.”
“You’ve worked hard, hyung. Thank you so much.”
“…Just know it.”
What did it matter that he was from a home care center? It wasn’t like Soohyun had chosen that job because he wanted to make easy money. Because he was sick, because he couldn’t work in places with many people, that was all he could do so he started it. Moreover, Soohyun said this was his first time working at someone’s home. He was different from the other omegas at the center.
“When will it end today? Roughly?”
“Well… I don’t know. It’ll probably end around dinner time.”
“I’ll concentrate and finish it quickly. Fighting!”
“Seojun is motivated these days. Good, good!”
Seojun clenched his fist tightly. He wanted to finish work quickly and go home. And he wanted to spend time with the honey jar called ‘Soohyun’ that he had hidden away so no one else would know.
* * *
“Looks like it’s almost all organized. Should I rest a bit?”
After changing to live-in, Soohyun’s daily routine had become much more relaxed. Even after sweeping and wiping the house, organizing the kitchen, and cooking food, quite a bit of time remained.
During the two hours of break in between, Soohyun either rested or wrote. He occasionally processed little jobs that came in bit by bit, and sometimes wrote in his diary.
“Diary… it’s been a while.”
It had already been eight years since he started writing a diary. To be exact, it was after Jeongwon left due to the accident. It was Chaeho’s mom who recommended diary writing to Soohyun, who couldn’t do anything from the shock of losing him.
‘I also wrote a diary when I was in the hospital. Because my body was sick, my heart seemed to weaken. So I wrote about why I was happy… why I should live. Forcibly. I tried to write at least one line a day. And when it was hard, I would read it again. That gave me strength. Soohyun. So how about you try it too?’
When he first started writing a diary, it sometimes took Soohyun several hours to write even one line. He struggled not knowing what story to confide and how, but recalling Chaeho’s mom’s advice that he just had to write what he wanted to write, he began to write down trivial things about his mood that day or what happened during the day.
As time passed, the diary became life to Soohyun. Just as Chaeho’s mom said. When it was hard, when he thought living was worse than dying, the past recorded in the diary became a foothold to stand up from the present.
‘I’ve written a lot….’
Looking at the diary covered with his handprints, Soohyun opened to the most recently written page and began to read. His meeting with Seojun and his story with Chaeho. Though he had only simply written about that day’s events and his own feelings, that day came back to him. It was also amazing that it had been over two months since he started working at Seojun’s house.
“These days….”
Soohyun’s diary was sometimes self-deprecating and sometimes a letter sent to someone. Recently, Soohyun’s diary was closer to a letter. To Jeongwon, that he was wavering toward Seojun. That there was such a person who said the same words as you. Whether he could lean on that person. Soohyun sent a letter to heaven in writing.
