“It’s because I’m sick. It’s my fault.”
Sending away all the people he loved, and then foolishly trusting people while looking for a place to lean on afterward, and because of that getting this terrible illness. No longer being able to produce fragrant pheromones, becoming unable to carry a baby,
It was all his fault.
“Can I… ask you one favor?”
“Huh?”
The darkness outside the window was deep. It was a night too deep to go home alone. After even having an attack, there was no energy left at all to return home in the late night. Even though he knew it was shameless to say this when he’d rejected his feelings, even when he’d doubted his confession, there was no other way right now.
“To get home… it would take quite a bit of time and be difficult to walk.”
“Walk, you say?”
“No, my body is exhausted right now and so… I was wondering if I could stay in the small room tonight….”
“Wa- wait a moment.”
A question came back from Seojun with a face like he’d been punched. Soohyun’s attitude was still calm, as if talking about someone else’s story.
“So. You’ve been walking all along?”
Soohyun hesitated before answering quietly yes, and Seojun’s face flushed red. Then he must have walked here today too…. Even on the first day when there was only rough care, and even on the day when rain poured down as if a hole had been punched in the sky, he must have walked. Seojun tried hard to recall his address written on the contract. To think he’d been walking a distance that would easily take an hour. And he was going to walk today too?
“Lee Soohyun-ssi. I… I….”
What on earth is this man’s story? And why did I have to become interested in a man with so many stories? Most bewildering and unbelievable of all was the fact that even Soohyun’s haggard face looking at him looked beautiful.
“Because of the medicine, it seems difficult to walk….”
“Do you think I’m that terrible a person?”
Seojun’s neat brow wrinkled irregularly. Soohyun raised his head that had been bent at an acute angle. Having become numb to his own emotions, Soohyun was also numb to understanding other people’s emotions.
“Suddenly what are you….”
“Would I let a sick person who had an attack and took medicine just walk home?”
“Ah, yes….”
“What about a car?”
“A car?”
Seojun was in agony. If only the feelings that sprouted in those 3 seconds, that fleeting time, could wither. But the sprout that began to bud had already stretched and grown fresh green leaves. While even dreaming of the fruit that would ripen.
“Can you ride in a car? Like… a passenger car or something.”
Contrary to Seojun’s wish, this time too Soohyun’s head shook left and right. It hadn’t been long since he’d become able to ride in Chaeho’s car, so there was no way he could ride in someone else’s car. Though he hadn’t tried, the result was obvious even without trying.
“Just rest for now. Soohyun-ssi. Tomorrow, let’s talk tomorrow.”
What was clearly carried in Seojun’s voice as he put the back of his hand on his waist and then tapped his crumpled forehead with his fingertips was definitely negative emotions like urgency and anxiety. Soohyun realized that he’d made a request he shouldn’t have made in the first place to him who was clearly showing his difficulty.
“No, I’ll just go.”
“What are you saying? You’re going in that condition?”
“Yes? But.”
Seojun’s tone was extremely agitated. Wouldn’t leaving his side as quickly as possible be the best Soohyun could do since he was angry because of him? Anyway, he wouldn’t view him favorably since his mental state wasn’t sound.
“Absolutely not. Who knows what might happen on the way. Sleep together in my room.”
“Together… you say. There’s no need to go that far…!”
“Listen to me. This is, well….”
Seojun, who had approached to less than a step away, pulled Soohyun’s hands clasped like chains.
“Please. I’m begging you.”
Though sleeping with him wasn’t entirely comfortable, it couldn’t be helped. He had no choice but to say yes to him who was even begging.
Soohyun retraced his steps and turned toward the bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“I think we need to change the bed sheets….”
“I’ll! I’ll do it! Just rest, Soohyun-ssi. What is a sick person trying to do?”
Why did the words “sick person” hurt so much? Was it because the word “sick” was in it? But in fact, Soohyun didn’t even have the strength to move a finger, so this time too he had no choice but to follow his words. Seojun changed the bed sheets and laid Soohyun on the bed.
“Sleep, let’s sleep.”
“Choi Seojun-ssi.”
“Don’t think about anything and just sleep for now. After sleeping, we’ll… we’ll talk again.”
“Yes.”
Though it was an unfamiliar bed, his tired body stretched out as if melted and stuck to the bed. As soon as he placed his head on the fluffy, good-smelling pillow, his eyelids sank heavily as if weights had been attached. Without even stirring, Soohyun fell into sleep with even breathing, and Seojun looked at his face and then rubbed his face up and down.
‘Panic disorder… my God….’
It was an illness he’d heard about a few times before. Due to the nature of being a celebrity who had to reveal themselves in front of many people, there were quite a few who suffered from this without others knowing. Among the actors he’d filmed dramas with before, there was someone who had symptoms.
But it wasn’t as severe as Soohyun’s. Not only being unable to go to crowded places, but unable to ride public transportation, and even unable to ride in cars so he walked around. His appearance during the attack was a huge shock.
‘What kind of person is he….’
Seojun picked up his phone with a frustrated heart. After searching for panic disorder, he began looking at information floating around on the internet.
* * *
‘Soohyun-ah, Soohyun-ah….’
That dream again. The voice of that person desperately calling his name. The person who called his name more affectionately than anyone else in the world sometimes visited Soohyun’s dreams without showing their appearance, just calling his name.
“…Hyung….”
‘Soohyun-ah, don’t be sick, Soohyun-ah.’
“Hyung… sorry…, I’m sorry hyung….”
He opened his eyes. An unfamiliar ceiling. The small room in the rooftop apartment where Soohyun lived only had an old-fashioned fluorescent light hanging there, but this ceiling was smooth. In the unfamiliar room with a long recessed light, Soohyun kept blinking his eyes.
‘Yesterday….’
The first night outing in 5 years, even staying out overnight. So many things had happened in one night. Seojun’s voice confessing that he liked him was still vivid. He’d never even thought he’d hear such a confession from someone again.
‘Soohyun-ah, I love you.’
Why? Why did the confession of the person he’d tried so hard to forget suddenly come to mind? Though 8 years had passed, the heart-wrenching love confession still lingered in his ears. The warm eyes behind glasses, the warm and large hand that held his hand were still vivid, so whenever Soohyun heard his voice in dreams, he clasped and fiddled with his own hands.
‘I wanted to make you happy.’
Whenever he recalled his last words saying he wanted to make him happy, his nose still stung and his eyes ached coldly. If he hadn’t met him, he wouldn’t have gone like that either, and he also wouldn’t have had to experience losing the person he loved, whom he thought was his everything.
Thinking of the person who could never return and the time that could never return, Soohyun cried stifling his sobs for years. He thought his tears might dry up from crying too much, but whenever he thought of him, tears burst out very easily. He missed him. That person, and himself who could accept people’s goodwill as it was without getting hurt.
He missed all those times.
Waking from sleep, Soohyun looked at Seojun’s face sleeping soundly, then slowly sat up. The fluffy bed, the warmth of a person who had never been hurt, who didn’t know about this person named Lee Soohyun.
It was a place that didn’t suit him too much, so he just wanted to escape.
“……”
Seeing it was a little past 8 AM, Soohyun went out to the living room and looked around the house. After yesterday’s chaos, nothing had been cleaned up, so both the living room and kitchen were a mess. Having received a night’s hospitality, he felt he should at least clean, so he carefully moved dishes one by one into the dishwasher without making clanking sounds. He organized the table and roughly shook the disheveled sofa cushions to place them nicely. Looking around every corner of the house with erased emotions, he entered the kitchen without even making footsteps.
“……”
It seemed fine to just go back like this, but he wanted to give at least a small repayment to him who had made a wonderful meal for him last night. Moreover, thinking of him who must have been very surprised seeing his attack, he felt like doing something. Soohyun opened the refrigerator and took out a baguette along with tomatoes, cheese, and smoked salmon. Though it was a bit disappointing not to have herbs, he saw basil pesto so he picked that up too.
Skillfully cutting the baguette into bite-sized pieces, he put them in the steam toaster, sliced the tomatoes and cheese, then arranged them alternately on a plate. After mixing balsamic vinegar and olive oil to make a simple sauce, he beautifully drizzled it over the tomato cheese salad made similar to caprese, and placed thawed smoked salmon and basil pesto on the moistly toasted baguette.
