***
He knew in his head that nothing could have happened at the actual ossuary just because he’d had dreams with similar content several times in a row.
However, the reason he’d left his workplace during the hours he’d agreed to work and come all the way here was because he wanted to feel relieved.
He didn’t want to be swayed by the absurd assumption that something might really have happened to his father’s urn, beating the very slim odds.
His father’s ossuary, which he’d arrived at by borrowing Jung Sijun’s car, was perfectly fine. It was only natural, of course.
The Late Yoon Jongmyeon. The urn with Chinese characters indicating his father had become deceased looked plain even upon seeing it again. It looked even more so stuck between urns decorated lavishly with gold leaf and mother-of-pearl.
‘Why the hell do you appear in my dreams? I did enough for you.’
Yoon Kihyun asked while tracing his father’s name with his eyes.
Yoon Kihyun’s father, who had once lived as a human named Yoon Jongmyeon, had become a handful of ash. The man who had become perfectly deceased administratively through death registration had not existed in Yoon Kihyun’s life for a long time.
However, he remained as Yoon Kihyun’s father on legal documents. Perhaps he would still remain as a father in Kihyun’s broken heart too. Because he was the only person who could be called family.
It was natural that a father worse than a stranger, with whom he at least had memories to chew over, felt more like family than a mother whose face he didn’t even know properly.
‘I still haven’t paid off all of Father’s hospital bills. I need to fix my own body too… Do you know I sometimes feel suffocated?’
A way to live had opened up by accepting Jung Sijun’s proposal, but that didn’t mean anything had been resolved yet. The loan repayment wasn’t finished, and the illness wasn’t cured. He’d merely taken one step from the starting line.
‘I need to live a little too, don’t I?’
Standing tall in front of the ossuary with a parched, dried face, he spat out his resentment. Then suddenly a sense of futility washed over him.
Nothing would change just by standing here where only his father’s bone powder was placed. It would only make him feel like shit.
As soon as his reason, clouded by consecutive nightmares, gradually returned, the first thought that came was shame.
“Ha…”
Because the disgraceful behavior he’d shown to the guy who’d brought him here came vividly to mind.
‘Have I gone crazy?’
On top of borrowing his car, he’d even arbitrarily poured out family affairs close to venting. Since he’d said he took half-day leave, once they left here, the place to return to wouldn’t be the Center but their respective homes.
‘Ha, really…’
He kept doing things he wouldn’t normally do. Making half-baked sarcastic remarks, throwing fits, even venting for no reason.
The problem was that the only target showing such behavior to was Jung Sijun. Of all people, why did he keep showing such disgrace to the guy he so detested and thought badly of…
‘I won’t be able to come for a while. Since I confirmed there’s no particular problem, even if I have such dreams again, I won’t come. I’m leaving.’
After stopping by the management office to update his contact information, Yoon Kihyun left the building. He planned to go straight home and look up a psychiatrist first thing.
Having those shitty dreams and not being able to control his constantly fluctuating emotions himself definitely meant there was a problem.
‘Fine. I can fix this with medication too. It’s no big deal.’
Yoon Kihyun was steeling himself and walking toward the parking lot where Jung Sijun’s car would be when a takeout drink cup suddenly appeared before his eyes.
“Drink this.”
It was Jung Sijun. The guy who handed him a warm beverage, perhaps having bought it from a cafe near the ossuary, had a rarely serious face.
When he received the steaming takeout cup, only then did he realize his body had been extremely tense.
As his body melted from the warmth, the tension was about to release. No. He couldn’t show disgrace to Jung Sijun again. Yoon Kihyun struggled to pull together his heart that was about to fall apart.
“Did you check properly?”
Though there was no subject, it was a question asking if he’d looked at the urn properly. Yoon Kihyun recalled his father’s urn, perfectly fine without a single crack.
There was not a single problem. No condensation or anything was visible either.
In the end, it meant he’d been swayed by a dog’s dream and had come all the way here saying everything he should and shouldn’t say to Jung Sijun. This couldn’t happen unless he had a disgrace star in his fortune.
“Yes, well…”
At the forcibly extracted answer, Jung Sijun showed signs of relief. It seemed he’d been taking the dream content quite seriously, more than expected.
‘You said your grandmother was a shaman, right?’
Maybe that’s why his acceptance seemed a bit different. Just looking at how he appeared, you’d think he’d completely ignore such superstitions telling them to fuck off, but it was surprisingly different.
“Want to eat? There’s a bibimbap place nearby.”
“Sure.”
Yoon Kihyun didn’t refuse Jung Sijun’s meal suggestion. He was hungry from skipping a meal. Since Jung Sijun would pay for the meal anyway, there was no reason to refuse.
Even if he refused watch gifts worth well over ten million won, he wanted to burden Jung Sijun with trivial meal costs at least.
After arriving at the restaurant and finishing the order, Jung Sijun sneakily handed over a water glass while observing Yoon Kihyun’s face. Life was gradually returning to the pale face.
“I’m glad nothing happened.”
“…Yes.”
Yoon Kihyun nodded. Of course it was fortunate. His finances were already tight, so if there had been a problem at the ossuary, he would have clearly suffered headaches for a while.
“Sorry for being a bother for no reason.”
“What sorry? I didn’t want to be on standby anyway.”
Though it seemed somewhat irresponsible for an S-rank esper whose daily routine was duty and standby to prepare for emergencies to say, it still didn’t dilute his grateful feelings.
“Next time too, tell me when you need it. I like being helpful to you, Yoon Kihyun-ssi.”
“…Okay.”
He couldn’t manage to give a sharp retort to the guy who’d brought him all the way here. Still, his mood was strange because it seemed like the number of people offering to help had increased lately.
Seo Igyeong was like that, and Jung Sijun too. Didn’t everyone say to speak up if he needed help?
Help…
He wanted to become someone who could help others, but in others’ eyes, he seemed to look like someone who needed help.
‘Ah, stop this bullshit. When I get home, I need to look up a psychiatrist right away.’
Yoon Kihyun cut off the self-pity that was about to pop out habitually and forcibly shoved down the bibimbap mixed with this and that.
Somehow ending up borrowing Jung Sijun’s car again and arriving in front of the goshiwon, he saw Jung Sijun off in the alley. He’d thought he’d say something about the shabby exterior, but Jung Sijun left only saying to rest well.
‘…What’s gotten into him?’
Whenever Jung Sijun acted mature, he felt strange. Leading his body that drooped down as if heavy things were hanging from his limbs, Yoon Kihyun returned to his room and immediately shut himself in the bathroom.
It was to vomit up the food he’d forcibly stuffed in. After vomiting until there was nothing left inside, he was washing his heated face when he raised his head.
The nosebleed that had been quiet for a few days was flowing. His appearance in the mirror attached above the narrow sink was a sight that couldn’t be called okay even as an empty compliment.
‘Ah, why is living so fucking hard?’
He wiped off the moisture and pressed a towel firmly against his eye sockets. His eyeballs still stung.
Lying still on the bed, his body strangely trembled with chills. He didn’t know if he’d caught a cold or if it was from loneliness.
Whenever he visited the ossuary, his heart felt hollow as if it had been completely opened up. Even though he resented and disliked him, was it because Father was still Father?
After visiting the place where his only family was contained in a small urn, he felt especially clearly that he was alone in the world. Even though it was an emotion that shouldn’t be new at this point.
As he was curled up for a while, his phone vibrated. When he casually checked, Seo Igyeong’s message appeared on the screen.
Team Leader Seo Igyeong
Did you eat dinner well?
It was the usual trivial content they exchanged.
Even if he didn’t reply now, Seo Igyeong wouldn’t grumble. He was completely different from Jung Sijun.
Like his words about wanting to keep in touch appropriately, Seo Igyeong didn’t particularly obsess over replies. Was that why? Yoon Kihyun had gradually become comfortable with Seo Igyeong.
Though he’d vomited it all up, since it was true that he’d eaten, when he replied that he had, Seo Igyeong said he was eating now too. At the words saying the place was better than expected and asking to eat together next time if he had time, Yoon Kihyun chuckled.
‘When would that be?’
If it were Jung Sijun, instead of vague words like “let’s eat together next time,” he would have asked when to go eat. Not testing the waters subtly like Seo Igyeong.
‘Ah, what am I doing right now? Let’s just sleep…’
Maybe because his body hurt and he felt alone in the world, he kept looking for somewhere to lean on. It was already messed up to be comparing which of the two was better.
What kind of dog’s behavior was this when he didn’t have even a speck of intention to date even if someone actively approached and confessed to him?
Jung Sijun, who couldn’t hide his eyes that liked him, was one thing, but doing this with Seo Igyeong was excessive self-consciousness.
‘I need to pull myself together. Really. And properly look into psychiatrists too.’
Yoon Kihyun resolved to look up psychiatrists as soon as he opened his eyes tomorrow and forced himself to sleep. It was a particularly long-feeling day.
