While holding the music box in his arms and stopping by the bookstore, Bernard was able to maintain quite a peaceful mood while choosing several books. While stopping by the quiet bookstore full of paper books and examining books, no one paid attention to him.
Looking over new releases, browsing author introductions—examining the arranged typefaces was always a joyful thing. Books never shook Bernard’s world, so when he wanted to escape from something, he would sometimes spend time buried in books.
He liked the moment of discovering sentences that were satisfyingly heart-stirring. Every time he carefully scanned those sentences with his eyes and engraved them in his heart, Bernard would feel an indescribable joy. While examining new releases, his phone buried deep in his pocket vibrated.
“I’m sorry, I’m still at the bookstore.”
– …….
“Hello?”
– It’s not an appointment today, so is there a need to report your whereabouts?
It was a mistake to answer the phone without checking carefully, thinking it was probably a call from home because he hadn’t informed them of his expected return time. At the low voice he heard, Bernard almost bit his tongue. It was Rubens. Bernard, who reflexively looked around without knowing, slowly placed the book he’d picked up back on the display.
“I thought it was… a call from home… I was mistaken. I’m sorry.”
Rubens was silent for quite a while again. Bernard was now uncomfortable with this man’s silences. He couldn’t figure out at all what he was thinking, and it was worse because it was a phone conversation.
– I thought you weren’t checking texts… Were you reading books at least?
“Yes… checking new releases a bit.”
– Work?
“No. Just… because I wanted to see them.”
He tried hard to firm up the end of his words that were about to get muddled. However, he didn’t know how much that would work on Rubens. A short “hmm” sound was heard beyond the phone. It might have been an illusion that the man’s voice answering “I see” seemed to soften for a moment.
– I’ve scheduled an 11 o’clock appointment tomorrow, so don’t be late.
“…Won’t that overlap with the hospital’s lunch hour then?”
It was a subtly roundabout refusal. For Bernard, it could be said to be quite a courageous attempt.
– That won’t happen. I’ve scheduled it as the last appointment before lunch hour.
However, the man cuts off expectations with one stroke. Bernard’s fingertips gripping the phone paled slightly. His left hand still hurt. When he accidentally bumped it somewhere, there were times when he’d have to take deep breaths for a while as tears would well up from the pain.
“I can go by myself…”
– Is saying that a habit? We’re going together.
His words were cut off. However, Bernard only felt more wronged. It was a situation no different from giving illness and then medicine.
– Suddenly being stubborn for no reason…
The man’s voice loosened. At the voice tinged with faint laughter, the fine hairs on Bernard’s skin stood on end.
– Do I now seem like a comfortable enough position for you to stretch your legs out?
It was rather fortunate that he couldn’t see his face. Rubens’s voice was the same tone as that day. At the inflection exactly like that night when he’d trampled Bernard’s hand while whispering damply, Bernard only swallowed empty breaths with an aghast face. Even though he couldn’t answer for a long while and only gasped for breath, Rubens said nothing.
“…It’s not… like that.”
Perhaps he had been waiting for this answer.
– I’ll come pick you up.
“Yes… thank you.”
And the call ended. On the phone screen, a record of unchecked text messages flashed. It was a text from Rubens that had come quite a while ago. Had he called just for this?
“Ah…”
Was it because he was tense? Whether he’d hugged the music box too tightly, the ribbon was crumpled, pressed by the cast strap. His heart felt upset and he naturally made a tearful face. He tried to pull and smooth out the ribbon, but the shape somehow lost its spirit and wouldn’t come out as pretty as at first.
Even looking at the cover of the book he’d been viewing just before, his heart felt desolate. Rubens’s words passed through his mind fleetingly and he squeezed his eyes shut. Not feeling at all like being in the bookstore, Bernard tidied the scattered books neatly and left the bookstore.
His mood kept swinging wildly. It felt as though ambiguous pain was squeezing his chest. Not even pain obtained from harboring particular expectations, just pain remaining like residue—yet a person wastes mental energy on such trivial things.
Bernard’s face grew darker as he passed the people on the street. By the time he entered the house, his gloom had peaked, but there was nothing in particular to express it. Except for Elliot.
“Where have you been?”
“Looking at shops and… briefly at a bookstore.”
“Your expression isn’t good. Are you sick somewhere?”
At the hand touching his forehead without reserve, Bernard stood obediently. Elliot looked in a better mood than at mealtime.
“I’m not sick anywhere. I’m originally healthy… Where are Father and Mother?”
“Father went out and Mother said she had business.”
“I see…”
“What’s that box? Is it a present for me?”
The hand naturally taking the box he’d been holding in his arms was quite natural. In the moment Bernard went “Eh,” the ribbon came undone smoothly by Elliot’s hand. When he snatched the box back somewhat roughly in bewilderment, Elliot looked at Bernard with a dazed face.
“…No, it’s not. This is Rhino’s.”
“Ah, that’s right. His birthday’s coming up.”
At Bernard’s weak excuse, Elliot blinked. After making a somewhat sulky, deflated face, he soon smiled again and hugged Bernard’s arm.
“I want to go too.”
“Go where?”
“You’re going to the birthday party, aren’t you?”
Of course he’d planned to go. Since Rhino had asked him to definitely attend this time and stay with him until the end, he’d been thinking he should keep his place to some degree. To do so, he’d have to inform his family about going out, and it wasn’t that he hadn’t thought of going with Elliot, yet strangely his words were blocked.
“I want to go this time too. It’s better if more people congratulate him, right? I’m friends with Rhino too.”
Elliot had been suffering from the flu at the last birthday party. The sight of him shining his eyes saying he definitely wanted to go this time, having been quite disappointed he couldn’t attend, was the sight of Elliot that Bernard always knew. It was a sight he’d only thought was lovely, but today something felt stuck in his chest, making him feel stuffy inside.
“…Yeah, let’s go together.”
At the pulling force of Elliot hugging Bernard’s arm while smiling warmly, Bernard was led along as is. Elliot’s expression as he naturally opened the door while going up the stairs was innocent.
“Can’t you just tell me what you prepared as a gift for Rhino?”
“I’m going to give him a music box.”
“How nice. He’ll be happy to receive it.”
“…Will he like it?”
Somehow his confidence disappeared and his voice crept in. When Bernard asked hesitantly, his face also slightly flushed, Elliot smiled brightly and told him not to worry, but strange anxiety kept seeping inside. As if the determination that everything would go well and the belief that things would be okay were hiding into the darkness.
“Then we’re definitely going together. You promised. Right?”
At the question asked with an excited face saying it was a big party after a long time, Bernard nodded while making an ambiguous smile. After watching Elliot stride up the stairs two at a time, only after his figure had completely disappeared beyond the door did Bernard let out a long sigh.
“…Nothing bad will happen, so why does my chest feel so stuffy?”
He couldn’t understand it at all.
***
No one found it strange that Bernard said he’d go to the hospital. With Elliot’s regular checkup approaching right around the corner, Sarah looked deeply worried, and Liam didn’t show much interest in Bernard either. Clicking his tongue was all he did, as if dissatisfied that Bernard said he’d go out early in the morning.
However, Bernard left the house with his head half-lowered, already feeling intimidated by just that. Though Rubens had said he’d come pick him up, he couldn’t get in the car right in front of the house. He’d planned to walk a bit away from the house before getting in, but as soon as Bernard left the house, a long shadow blocked him.
“Ah, hello.”
Rubens’s eyes as he scanned Bernard, who stepped back momentarily flustered and greeted him, were subtle. His blue eyes were half-hidden in narrowing eye lines.
“What’s with that appearance?”
“That’s…”
There was nothing to say. He tried to act as if nothing was wrong by fiddling with his worn jeans with his intact right hand, but pressed by the man’s fierce momentum, only dry saliva went down his throat with a gulp.
“Get in first.”
Words heavy as a thousand pounds fell. Bernard frantically opened the back seat door of the car parked right in front in response to his reaction.
“Not there.”
Rubens pressed his hand down over Bernard’s hand trying to open the car door. It felt as though his oppressive presence was fully felt from behind. A low whisper followed along with a short breath at his ear.
“The seat beside me.”
The slightly opened car door closed again by the man’s hand strength. Unable to even remove his overlapped hand, when Bernard stiffened his body rigidly, Rubens glanced down at his nape. The worn-out shirt was on the verge of being tattered.
“I’m, I’m sorry.”
Despite there being nothing to be sorry about, words of reflexive submission popped out. Rubens looked at the back of the pale man trapped in his arms and unable to move, then suddenly recalled the body lines he’d seen on the bed. Without any answer, when Rubens wouldn’t move aside, it was Bernard who was flustered.
“Um… you need to move aside…”
Even at Bernard’s cautious words, he didn’t add anything. It felt as though moisture would form on the tightly held hand. Only then did Rubens step back one pace. Bernard, who had been pressed under subtle oppression, secretly exhaled and this time grasped the handle of the passenger seat door.
Only after taking a short deep breath could he finally open the door. That much, that seat was always a tense seat for Bernard. Though he’d never particularly told others, every time Bernard opened the passenger seat door, he felt a moment of dizziness.
Sometimes the moment he’d been slapped would overlap, and sometimes he’d ruminate on that moment when a ringing sound was heard like tinnitus. When his breathing became short, he’d try hard to take deep breaths to calm himself, or try to distract his nerves with other thoughts, boarding in a state of extreme tension.
However, Rubens seemed unfazed. As if nothing that had happened in this car before mattered at all, he climbed into the driver’s seat without any particular reaction. Bernard’s hand grabbing and pulling the seatbelt trembled shallowly but soon calmed down.
“You’re coming out more calmly than expected, but let’s hear it first.”
“Pardon?”
“Why Elliot is wearing the watch I gifted you.”
He didn’t turn around. He didn’t particularly seem angry either. It was just a plain tone like someone asking if he’d eaten breakfast well. However, Bernard tensed up at his words while checking his complexion. People accustomed to violence always first checked the other person’s mood.
Though checking the other person’s mood would be basic to all conversations, those who submit to violence display a more fanatical air than ordinary people. They quickly calculate whether the other is angry or not, and compress their bodies as much as possible toward places they can escape. But inside the narrow car, there was nowhere to run.
Even in that moment, the car was moving forward smoothly. Though the distance to the hospital wasn’t that far, Bernard already felt the time until arrival would be distant.
“It was too, burden, some for me… so I thought, it would be, better for Elliot, to wear it…”
“By whose authority?”
“…”
“I would have attached tags with your name on everything I sent. Isn’t that right?”
That was true. Inside the gift packages, name tags for each person were attached. Even that seemed like a kind of wrapping, tied with smooth string with paper tags at the end, which was even stylish. Elliot had also seen that, and Bernard knew about it.
“But Elliot came out wearing it.”
“Ah…”
“I tried to understand one thing, but… Weil-ssi’s wrist is quite empty.”
The color drained from Bernard’s face. His right hand gripping his thigh as if tearing at it trembled. He knew he should say something, but as if his tongue had stiffened, words wouldn’t come out at all.
“You’re not even wearing the clothes I sent…”
What he’d sent included various things besides clothes. He remembered the packing boxes that filled the living room and more. Though there were quite a few things for Elliot, there were just as many for Bernard. However, among them, what Bernard actually possessed was not much.
Because Elliot kept making pitiful sounds saying he’d just try it on once for a few days, somehow one by one they naturally transferred to his wardrobe. Even if Elliot hadn’t done so, the result would have been the same. When Sarah casually said she’d organized the wardrobe, he sneakily opened it to find the clothes had decreased somewhat more. Since his family went that far, Bernard had no particular justification and stayed quiet.
“I thought you feared me… but my sincerity seems laughable too.”
It was a red light. The car stopped. Having stopped in the middle of the road, he was smiling quite sweetly. His narrowed eyes curved faintly. However, that smile didn’t have a very welcome meaning for Bernard.
