Even after Rhino left the theater with a somewhat angry face, Bernard had no choice but to sit still in his seat. He was fixing himself up and hurriedly waiting for time to pass, but Rhino didn’t return even after a long while. He came back after the ending credits had finished rolling all the way through and the interior had fallen completely silent.
“Can you stand up?”
Rhino crouched in front of Bernard, who was sunk deep into the sofa, and asked while meeting his gaze. Bernard still shook his head with a bright red face. He seemed to have fixed his clothes, but he didn’t look like he had the mind to stand up at all. Rhino glanced at Bernard’s face, then rested his cheek against his thigh.
“We have to go. Are you not going?”
“Who made it… so I can’t go?”
It was a somewhat aggrieved voice. At those words, Rhino’s brow furrowed slightly. He had a pondering face, but soon took off his jacket and covered Bernard’s thighs with it.
“Want me to tie it around your waist, or do you want to be carried?”
It was a question with only one option from the start.
***
“Really… what did you do in the theater?”
Rhino, who was holding a shopping bag dangling, grinned slyly at Bernard’s scolding. Earlier he’d rushed to find the bathroom like someone angry, so Bernard had thought he’d done something seriously wrong. However, looking at Rhino’s subsequent behavior, it didn’t seem like he was angry at Bernard.
Rhino, who had wrapped his outer garment around his waist and told him to sit on the bench in front of the theater for a moment before disappearing somewhere, returned to his side not long after. When he came back, it was with some shopping bag, and he handed it to Bernard telling him to change in the bathroom and come out.
Thanks to that, Bernard, who had groaned while changing his underwear and pants trapped in a bathroom stall, came out of the bathroom with his face thoroughly ripened again. When he said he’d thrown away the underwear in the bathroom trash can because he absolutely couldn’t bear it, Rhino had been unable to hold back his laughter.
“You’re the one who went along with it, yet you’re blaming others?”
“…I’ve never done something like this before.”
“It wouldn’t be okay if you had done it before.”
Rhino’s eyes narrowed. The face of the man he’d been consciously excluding from the conversation came to mind inadvertently. A shadow crossed Bernard’s face for a moment.
“Earlier.”
“Hm?”
“…Why didn’t you come back for so long after going to the bathroom?”
At the hesitant question, this time Rhino’s face became subtle. Just as Bernard was about to say never mind, unable to bear the awkwardness at the expression that blurred as if he’d heard some difficult question, he abruptly opened his mouth.
“I couldn’t hold back.”
There were many people on the street. Among the passersby, there were no particular ones paying attention to them, but there were quite a few looking at Rhino’s face. It seemed like half of the people passing by looked back at him, and Bernard’s steps had been gradually slowing down. Standing side by side with Rhino, several people looked between the two of them to an embarrassing degree.
“I jerked off in the bathroom thinking about you. While thinking about things like… how your expression contorted at my hand, how desperately you looked up at me…”
However, he didn’t leave Bernard alone. At the action of grabbing his arm and pulling him forward all at once, Bernard’s feet got tangled off-beat. But as if even that was expected, the hand holding him firmly became a solid support.
The voice whispering in his ear was small but a size that others could hear if they tried, so Bernard jumped in surprise and covered Rhino’s mouth. Even though his mouth was suddenly blocked, Rhino was looking down at Bernard and smiling.
The wind didn’t cool the heat on his cheeks. Watching the shadow cast beneath his long eyelashes, Bernard couldn’t choose what to say and only swallowed bewildered silence.
His gray eyes turned downward. Though he couldn’t tell where the lowly set gaze swept, Bernard’s eyes widened round at the subsequent naked touch. When he stepped back, startled at the sensation of his palm being shallowly bitten, Rhino burst into a brief laugh.
“So don’t carelessly show me that kind of face.”
“You…”
“You’re the bad one.”
Now he even shifts the blame. At the absurd line, Bernard looked up at Rhino with an incredulous face. Rhino bent his head and rested his forehead on his shoulder with a thunk. As if he didn’t care about the passersby at all, he was only looking at Bernard.
“You give me too much leeway.”
“…”
“While you haven’t settled anything with that man.”
“That’s…”
Rhino knows too. That Bernard is being generous with him… he already knows. Bernard was a good person, and because of that, he also knew well that he was being swayed without knowing it by himself, who had been his close friend.
However, he always wanted more than that. He wanted to mess Bernard up so badly that he couldn’t do anything without him.
But when he no longer stopped him and accepted his hand. For a moment, Rhino’s thread of reason almost snapped completely. He wanted to lay him down on the sofa as is and swallow his tongue. He wanted to lift up his shirt and kiss the chest that would be revealed. He wanted to take off his jeans, spread his white thighs, and rub his cheek between them.
But he didn’t. He didn’t want to give Bernard that kind of first experience. No matter how much he permitted him, he wanted to spend a complete night in a somewhat more moderate place. Even though Bernard Weil might not be inexperienced, that was how Rhino felt. Despite being unable to hold back part of it and ultimately accomplishing half, that’s what he thought.
“I know. Your actions have reasons too.”
Even at Rhino’s words, Bernard has quite a gloomy face. When he messed up his hair chaotically, a complaint not to do that came back. Rhino spoke leisurely.
“Even giving me leeway is good.”
His dark green eyes blinked. That color visible beyond his glasses was a color Rhino always loved. It was also a color he wanted to hide tightly and not show to anyone.
“It means you’re developing some feelings for me.”
Rhino remembers. He will never forget for his entire life the wretchedness of rushing forward without thinking and tying Bernard’s shoelaces. However, he doesn’t resent Bernard. Just…
“You can like me slowly.”
Pretending to be this shameless is the hardest thing in the world. Even while his insides flutter with excitement, acting like someone unfazed, like someone worn and accustomed to this kind of thing, is difficult. What kind of thoughts this behavior would give him, how he would judge him with this—though he was afraid every time, Rhino would rather smile during those times.
Bernard, who had been watching his eyes curve, bit his lips shut. The voice murmuring with his head deeply bowed was very small, but Rhino heard those words clearly. He always had the talent to catch Bernard’s voice like a ghost. The touch of his hand tapping him saying let’s go had no strength in it at all, only tickling.
Without knowing any of Rhino’s inner thoughts, Bernard tried to digest his embarrassment. He felt like he’d shown something shameful. He knew there was nothing good about this, yet he harbored groundless expectations. The sentences attached with “what if” were all happy imaginings.
If everything gets better, and if things get even more okay, then he too could a little more—the assumptions attached like that.
However, unhappy speculations follow behind such assumptions. It felt like the words Rubens left at Horden’s party had left deep marks in his heart.
That man had said he’d contact him on Friday. Friday wasn’t far off. Even while hanging out with Rhino acting like someone unfazed, Bernard counted the approaching date. He couldn’t guess what that man, who had changed a little from before, would do.
“I’d like to eat something more together, but there’s no time.”
Rhino, who glanced at his wristwatch, cut off Bernard’s reverie. Bernard blinked and tried to smile naturally.
“It’s okay, I can go by myself.”
“What are you talking about? I’ll see you home.”
“Won’t you get scolded by your father?”
He’d met Mr. McPherson up close exactly once before. It was an encounter when he’d stopped by Rhino’s house, and he remembered him with a cold impression unlike Rhino.
“What can I do? There’s only one son.”
The way he spoke while shrugging his shoulders was quite delinquent. At the flippant manner of speech, Bernard’s face twisted subtly. It was to hold back laughter.
“Let me see you home.”
“Why are you so desperate about that?”
The two people’s walking pace had become identical before they knew it. When Rhino walked matching Bernard’s stride, their walking speed gradually slowed. It was because Bernard kept trying to come behind him.
“I’m always desperate.”
Rhino says in a plain tone. However, Bernard can’t forever not know the surge contained within it. The one who’s done unrequited love recognizes it best.
“I’ll see you home every time. So when you go home alone without meeting me, I hope you think of me at least once.”
At those words, Bernard thought of Rubens. He’d also hoped that man would think of him at least once. Even knowing he was dating Elliot, he’d harbored such selfish feelings. His insides ached.
“So I hope you miss me once out of a hundred times.”
“…Why once out of a hundred times?”
Bernard’s question was cautious. The steps that had been slowly slowing down had completely stopped before they knew it. People pass by them like strangers. Among the people, the two are isolated for a moment.
“If you miss me ninety-nine times, then I did something wrong. You should only miss me once, so it’s just that kind of day.”
He feels like he should laugh saying it’s foolish, but laughter doesn’t come out. It sounds overlapped with Rubens’s words. The man who always told him to wait for calls. The words of that man who told him to faithfully respond to his contact and match his time… But even the unfamiliar voice of the man who said he’d backed out of one contract for his sake.
That day was night too. And now, a clear night is arriving. However, the nights Rubens and Rhino presented were extremely different. Bernard stood blankly and listened to Rhino’s words. He didn’t believe words like saying even giving leeway was good. Hadn’t he also suffered inside like that?
“You’re really a fool…”
Strength drains from his voice. The things he’d seen are arranged anew. He knows rationally what the right choice is. However, despite that, Bernard is still afraid. Anxiety about whether he could completely shake off Rubens by himself. And worry about what would happen to Elliot if he let go of everything.
“As if you’re the only one.”
Because of that anxiety, Rhino grabbed Bernard’s hand, which in the end wouldn’t hold his hand. He slowly pushed his fingers into the gaps. Having loosely interlaced their fingers, he smiled like someone not disappointed at all. However, Bernard couldn’t smile. Ironically, at Rhino’s side, he realized he was still quite pathetic.
