The frivolous bickering at the dining table continued for quite a while. Words of “eat more” and “I can’t eat anymore” went back and forth in squabbling, but in the end, the one who seized victory was Rhino. At first, he raised his eyes fiercely and coaxed Bernard smoothly, but toward the latter half, he even made a pitiful expression and pretended to be miserable, so there was no way Bernard could pretend not to see it.
“You’re cunning.”
“I’m the only one you didn’t know was cunning.”
Bernard could only be completely freed from the persistent surveillance after he emptied the entire bowl of stew. He felt like he’d overeaten. Bernard’s expression became uncomfortable at the discomfort that naturally arose.
However, when he said he would help with the cleanup since he couldn’t just leave Rhino to do it alone, what he was entrusted with was merely supervision. He couldn’t possibly insist he could do it to Rhino, who raised his eyes asking where he thought he was butting in with his arm in a cast. Watching Rhino take the dishes out of the dishwasher, wipe them again with a dry cloth, and put them in the cupboard, the sense of peace he’d forgotten for a moment washed over him.
“I don’t think you were originally this kind of personality.”
At the words tossed out, Rhino laughed lowly. Having put in the last dish and closed the cupboard, his expression was quite difficult to read. Looking at his face shown at an angle, Bernard suddenly thought that he didn’t know all of Rhino. Without turning around, Rhino spoke.
“Where is there someone who shows everything to the person they like?”
“You never know.”
“Since what I have isn’t attractive, if I show everything to someone who won’t look back at me, I’ll become even more worthless.”
Somehow feeling suffocated, Bernard spared his words. It was because he knew that whatever he said here would be close to deception. The Rhino of before was a good friend. But the Rhino of now was a friend he’d gotten along well with… who had confessed to him. They were facing each other again awkwardly, but neither of them could return perfectly to how things were before.
“If I’m mysterious, you’ll become more curious about me, won’t you?”
“You’ve gotten shameless.”
Bernard’s eyes narrowed at Rhino’s joking words as if dispelling that atmosphere. Instead of answering, he naturally straightened Bernard’s disheveled collar.
“I intend to make it so you won’t feel sorry.”
Bernard kept losing his words. He always backed down from people who approached him with sincerity, but now he was merely trying hard because he knew he shouldn’t cross the line any further.
If he accepted Rhino while harboring another person in his heart, it would rather torment him. Even knowing that, acting according to his thoughts was always a difficult thing. He kept acting like a weak person. Even though he knew it wouldn’t be good for Rhino or for himself.
Rhino’s face, pressing down with his hands to smooth out the collar that had rolled inward, was too close. He swallowed needlessly and counted meaningless numbers in his head.
“I’m a burden to you.”
It felt like his words had been stolen. Rhino, who was right in front of him, blinked slowly as if to show off. Sunlight poured brightly through the kitchen window, but as if his eyes weren’t dazzled, he didn’t furrow his face even once and looked only at Bernard.
“You’re probably wondering why I go this far.”
“That’s……”
“Because you’re worth it.”
His tone was firm. Newly, Bernard realizes how gentle a warmth Rhino’s eyes held.
“You’re someone who deserves better treatment, Bernard.”
And he comes to think about how different this man before his eyes is from the man he has a one-sided love for. Rhino had never reproached Bernard, who kept his lips shut like a clam. He always waited and respected Bernard’s will.
“I want you to know that.”
An ambiguous warmth spread subtly below his ribcage. His insides, which had been stuffy enough to churn, seemed to expand as if about to burst, and it also seemed painful. Bernard pressed hard on his innocent toes. If he didn’t, he couldn’t endure this thought. Would there be another person like this in his life? Probably not.
“And, there’s one more thing to do before you go home.”
Rhino’s eyes curved slightly.
***
“You should have told me.”
As Bernard muttered with his face flushed red, Rhino shrugged as if it wasn’t particularly surprising. Even though there was no way Rhino, sitting with his back turned, could see him, Bernard lowered his head a little more as if he had seen Rhino’s reaction.
Bernard’s shoulders shrank slightly at the action of carefully attaching a band-aid to his fully exposed nape and gently rubbing it. Really, he couldn’t lift his face.
“What should I say? That there’s a sex mark left on your nape?”
“Even if I said……”
At the crawling voice, Rhino laughed shortly. Bernard stealthily mustered courage at the sound of laughter and turned his head, but since Rhino’s expression didn’t look very pleased, Bernard inwardly rebuked his own stupidity. If he’d known such a thing was left on his nape, he wouldn’t have eaten with it so fully exposed in front of him.
“I think I’m going to ask a petty question.”
Bernard, sitting in the chair with his nape fully exposed, seemed to have no suspicion at all. The sight of him sitting so defensively in front of the man who confessed to liking him incited Rhino’s inner feelings. Bernard’s slender neckline was fully revealed under the sunlight, only looking paler.
Perhaps finding Rhino’s behavior of standing still with his hand on his nape strange, he carefully called his name. But Rhino couldn’t give any answer.
There was no way he could say something like being jealous of a bite mark. He only held his breath, afraid he might accidentally spit out the vulgar jealousy of asking if he’d slept with that man. He only knew that mark like a bruise left reddish on the white nape would hurt for a long time. The inner feeling that if it had been him, he wouldn’t have handled Bernard like this kept precariously crossing the breathing hole. But Rhino, who barely swallowed those words, only fiddled with the innocent band-aid.
“It must have hurt.”
The words he spat out were merely such trivial worry. At the traces he’d discovered while washing Bernard, Rhino had quietly raged. The fact that that man treated Bernard, who had no place to touch, like this was absurd, and he also resented Bernard for still liking that man even while being handled that way.
“Rhino?”
When he rested his forehead against those small shoulders with a thud, it became a loosely leaning posture. To the careful call, giving only a bland answer of “Yeah,” Rhino stood like that. It felt like his heartbeat could be heard slowly. Bernard was always so peaceful in front of Rhino.
While others tried all sorts of tricks to be held in his arms at least once, Bernard alone being so plain sometimes felt strange. Sometimes he wished Bernard was very cunning… that he would rather treat him more meanly.
“…It tickles.”
“Does it?”
It would be clear to Bernard too that Rhino wasn’t concentrating on the conversation. Somehow his back that kept curving egged Rhino on. The hand on his back fumbled up over his clothes. Because the shirt was thin, even his spine could be felt clearly. It was a skinny body. A body he’d never lusted after, and not the type to lust after, but sometimes Rhino felt an unbearable impulse toward him.
“……Rhino.”
Even at the voice trembling faintly, the thought of “just a little” surged. Impulse always wore such a thin shell like that. He swallowed dry saliva. Bernard’s breathing became a little faster. The hand that had come up along his lower back gripped his shoulder strongly. Hot breath settled down over the band-aid. Biting his dry lips and reminding himself of patience, Rhino broke the silence.
“Don’t like that person too much.”
Among countless words, what he spat out was merely such a thing. He was glad Bernard didn’t turn around. It might have sounded like jealousy. But it didn’t matter. It wasn’t that he was condoning that man.
“That’s difficult.”
It was a very faint whisper, faint enough that he might not hear it otherwise. If it were before, he would have responded only with silent non-answer, but it was an unexpected reply. Rhino only looked down at his round head. He wanted to know thoroughly what thoughts were going on in that small head. He was also curious about why he was so caught by that man, but with their current relationship, he couldn’t ask such things.
“You should go home. I’ll drive you.”
“…Yeah, thanks.”
The conversation kept going in circles. There was no way Bernard wouldn’t know the sense of discord they exchanged superficially while keeping important things covered. They knew that if they pretended not to know the uneasily lurking sense of discord, they would end up caught by the ankle, but both tried not to look into the depths. No one wanted to be the first to break this peace.
“Wait a moment.”
Leaving those words, Rhino disappeared into the room. Not long after, he returned holding two coats. They were coats that clearly looked like ones he would wear, and he thrust one into Bernard’s arms, then picked up the car keys placed on the side table.
“I put your clothes in the dryer. I’ll give them to you next time.”
“I could wait and take them.”
“Then you might never come again. It’s like a hostage.”
Bernard silently watched Rhino’s back as he made a silly joke while putting on the other coat. This kind of speech didn’t suit Rhino. He always acted like someone who knew he would never lose.
Anyone who spent their school days together would be familiar with Rhino’s such confident appearance. Even all the incidents at university flowed as if for him, and Bernard too had to inwardly admit that there existed a radiance poured on exceptional people.
But like now, the him who positioned himself as being anxious and worried was a truly unfamiliar appearance. No, perhaps it was an appearance everyone except Bernard didn’t know. Bernard felt like his tongue was becoming rough.
“You don’t have to go that far.”
“I’m giving you grounds to blame me.”
The car keys were briefly pressed into Bernard’s hand. Bernard had never learned to drive. Looking down at him blinking, Rhino smiled gently.
“Sometimes you need an excuse, don’t you?”
“I don’t want to treat you that meanly.”
“I…… wish you’d be a bit meaner to me.”
“Only to me,” Rhino added, his eyes narrowing. Bernard’s fingertips flinched as he looked at his smooth face. Emotions jumped on a seesaw. Uncontrollably.
