“Of course it’s fine. I mean, what’s a friend……. for, if not this? Gotta help each other out at times like this. Let’s just go get some rest first and think about the rest later.”
We both knew perfectly well we weren’t friends. And yet the reason I hadn’t bothered insisting on that fact all day long was probably no different from why Choi Seol kept clinging to my wrist. He might be something like a chick that had just hatched out of its shell right now. Having woken up with no memory, I was the only familiar face he’d laid eyes on, so it made sense he’d be leaning on me like this. Even if he was acting composed on the surface, he had to be desperate right now. I couldn’t pretend not to notice that.
Will this be okay?
Even holding his hand like this, feeling his warmth, my heart didn’t ache like it was dying or flutter the way it used to. Then again, it made sense—Choi Seol hadn’t been the only person I’d loved over the past ten years.
It was probably just that it had been my first, and unfulfilled, which made it linger all the more fondly. And then the sudden reunion had shaken me, just for a moment. But it didn’t seem like that would happen again. Even if I wavered a little, I wasn’t seventeen-year-old Han Yeoreum anymore. At the very least, I was a twenty-seven-year-old adult who knew how to handle his own feelings.
It’ll only last a few days at most, what could possibly happen.
Letting that careless thought slip through my mind, I pulled Choi Seol along by the hand, putting on what I hoped was a fairly mature smile.
“Shall we go, then?”
“Watch your step coming up, and sit here for a second.”
Hosting an unexpected guest was, as always, a flurry of activity. I pulled out a floor chair for Choi Seol, who’d followed me up onto the wooden porch, and threw open the sliding doors leading to the backyard. Just in case, I dragged out a fan and switched it on too, and soon enough a decent breeze started moving through.
“It’s nice and cool.”
Looking around at his surroundings, Choi Seol said, his voice noticeably more relaxed as he felt the breeze. Glad to see he seemed to like it.
“Right? It’s a hanok, so most of it stays cool just sitting still. Backing onto the mountain helps too. Even on days like this, I never once think about needing an air conditioner.”
“Is this where you live?”
“Not exactly—this is my mom’s family home. Five years ago, my grand……. Anyway, it’s empty except for holidays, so I’m staying here for a while in exchange for taking care of the place.”
I’d been about to mention, without thinking, that my grandmother had passed away, but quickly trailed off and changed course. Even though it had been ten years for me, for Choi Seol, her death might as well have happened just days ago, and bringing it up carelessly felt like something to tread carefully around.
“What about school, then?”
Thankfully, his thoughts hadn’t followed that particular thread.
“I’m still enrolled, but I’m on a leave of absence right now, after finishing my military service.”
“You went to the military?”
His expression said he’d just heard something thoroughly bizarre. The cigarette incident at the hospital came to mind, and I let out a small laugh, shrugging.
“Every Korean guy gets dragged off eventually, nothing new about that. You’ll probably go too, eventually.”
“……I see.”
Watching Choi Seol’s expression darken rapidly, I felt a flicker of regret for having brought it up at all. I’d thought I only needed to be careful about anything related to his grandmother, but it seemed like, for a seventeen-year-old who’d lost his memory, literally any mention of the present worked like a landmine waiting to go off.
“Is this your first time in a hanok?”
What I really wanted was to bolt into my room as fast as possible, but given the circumstances, I figured a little hanok tour might help lighten the mood instead. Given that it was a fairly traditional old house, I’d just assumed it’d naturally be his first time, but Choi Seol didn’t answer right away.
“I’ve been to one before. A long time ago. Didn’t stay long, though.”
After a brief pause, the words that came out carried a notable weight. Was he talking about some past trip? Or a school field trip, maybe? Given that he remembered it, it probably wasn’t something from after he’d become an adult. I was curious, but Choi Seol’s expression showed no sign of easing up, as if I’d stepped on another landmine, so I couldn’t bring myself to ask further, and the mood only grew more awkward. When there was no fixing things, running away was always the answer.
“I’ll go to my room for a bit. Look around the house if you get bored.”
Deliberately circling around the porch to get to my room, the messy state of the place inside was laid bare the moment I stepped in. Should’ve run the vacuum before leaving. The dust seemed especially noticeable today, of all days, and a sigh escaped me on its own. No wonder I’d felt so rushed the second I got home.
I’d bragged at the hospital about having plenty of rooms, but in reality, the only room in this house ready to actually relax in right away was the one I lived in myself. The rest only got used during holidays, so they only got cleaned about once a month. And the next cleaning day happened to be a week away.
At least there was a small mercy: the guest bedding could be readied right away. It had been washed clean and stored in the wardrobe, so all it needed was a quick airing out in the sun. Cleaning the floor came first, though.
I threw open the windows here and there, and roughly folded up the blanket I’d kicked off in a hurry that morning. As I gathered up the things scattered on the floor and shoved them haphazardly back onto the bookshelf, my eyes landed on the very book that had stubbed my toe that morning. My busy movements came to a sudden halt. Slowly, I pulled the book out and looked at the cover with the little boy wizard drawn on it.
Thinking about it now, it really was a strange thing. I’d pulled it out here and there all through high school, but ever since turning twenty, I’d just kept it stored away without ever opening it again. And yet, for some reason, last night, I’d suddenly felt like taking it out. I had no idea why.
And then today, I’d run into Choi Seol. Looked at one way, it really was an extraordinary coincidence. Or maybe fate.
Thinking it over, “fate” actually fit the situation better as a word. Of course, that would only be true if one of us—either me or Choi Seol—happened to be a woman. In a country that still couldn’t wrap its head around the idea of a man loving another man, the odds were heavily in favor of me being the only one branded crazy. Yeah, right, fate. As if.
Just clean it up already.
This was something Choi Seol absolutely could not see. Taken lightly, it might just end as a nostalgic trip down memory lane, but handled carelessly, it was a book that could spark a massive misunderstanding. To me, it might not mean a misunderstanding at all, but to Choi Seol, it would be a different story entirely. I was glancing around, racking my brain over where to hide the book, when—
“Han Yeoreum?”
“Aaah!”
Startled by Choi Seol’s sudden appearance, I dropped the book, and it landed square on the top of my foot. Stars sparked in front of my eyes, and a vicious wave of pain crashed over me. I sank to the floor, clutching my foot with both hands.
“You okay?”
Gah, no. Don’t come over here!
I couldn’t let him find the book. Even through the pain, my mind raced. Deliberately leaning against the bookshelf as if for support, I quickly shoved the book into the gap between the shelf and the floor. Right after that, Choi Seol arrived in front of me.
“Let me see. You’re not bleeding, are you?”
“……It’s nothing, just a light bump. I’m fine.”
Between the pain and the panic of nearly getting caught with the book, my heart was racing out of control. It felt almost like being back in the thick of my first love, still actively unfolding. Don’t get the wrong idea. This was just a thief’s guilty conscience acting up, nothing more.
“Guess some things never change, huh.”
Despite my saying I was fine, Choi Seol kept staring at my foot, still cradled in my hands, and let out what sounded almost like a sigh along with those words. I wanted to ask what that was supposed to mean, but seeing what looked like genuine concern on his face, I held my tongue instead. There was something almost healing about that ridiculously good-looking face of his—it felt like it was easing the pain itself. Moments like this made me wonder if I’d simply fallen for that face of his. While I sat there utterly distracted, staring, Choi Seol was the one who snapped me back to my senses.
“By the way, looks like you dropped a book or something…….”
As his gaze swept around searching, I swallowed hard and scrambled to think fast.
“Oh, uh, who knows? Maybe it bounced off somewhere? I don’t see it.”
As if something that heavy could’ve bounced far. I let my eyes flick briefly down toward the base of the bookshelf. Just as I was tensing up, worried whether it was hidden well enough, Choi Seol reached his hand out in that exact direction.
“Did it go in here?”
“W-wait a second!”
For the second time today, I’d successfully grabbed my first love’s hand without thinking. Our eyes meeting was just a bonus.
“It’s just……. you know, your hand might get dirty. There’s a lot of dust back there. I’ll just get it out myself later.”
I offered up a plausible excuse to Choi Seol, who’d frozen again at my sudden outburst. But his expression showed no sign of easing up at all. I was debating whether to quietly let go of his hand, caught between that and the fear that he’d push forward and pull the book out anyway, when—
“Meow.”
Huh? That sound……. Gah!
At the faint cry coming from outside the wide-open window, Choi Seol’s head turned toward it. It just kept getting worse. There were exactly two stray cats around here that cried like that. And one of them happened to be Ilsun, the very cat most responsible for causing Choi Seol’s accident in the first place.
“You keep a cat?”
“No! I mean, just a stray. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with me, just some cats that come by for food sometimes.”
Even with his memory gone, there was no telling. He seemed cowed for now because of the accident, but given what Choi Seol used to be like, getting tangled up with him over this could spell danger for both Ilsun and me.
So please, Ilsun, run.
“Oh, right! Want to wash up first?”
I raised my voice, trying to redirect Choi Seol’s attention, which kept drifting back toward the window. Deliberately tightening my grip on the hand I was still holding, Choi Seol looked back at me again. His eyes, slightly widened, seemed a bit thrown off. Fair enough—after blurting out something like asking if he wanted to wash up, I felt a little awkward myself. Still, since there wasn’t the slightest hint of any ulterior motive on my part, I pushed the suggestion again, confidently.
“The whole village pulls water straight from the mountain here, so it’s really refreshing. Of course, there’s a boiler installed too, so the hot water works fine. You’ll feel a lot better after washing up. I’ll get dinner ready in the meantime.”
“Dinner?”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you? So am I.”
All I’d eaten since dawn was the bread and milk bought at the hospital. And then I’d spent the entire day running around. At this point, I was desperately craving a hot bowl of soybean paste soup with freshly cooked rice.
“You’ll need to eat something anyway, since you have to take the medication you got prescribed. You like soybean paste soup? Or I could make steamed eggs instead.”
Having lived alone since turning twenty, I was fairly confident in my ability to cook, if not exactly gourmet, then at least decently. Cooking for Choi Seol, admittedly, made me a little nervous just thinking about it, but right now, redirecting his attention away from the book and Ilsun mattered more. Maybe that desperation came through somehow, because after staring at me oddly for a long moment, Choi Seol gave a light nod.
“Either’s fine, honestly……. but I think I just want to rest for now.”
It was only then that I noticed the exhaustion in his face and voice. Understandable, really, considering everything Choi Seol had been through today. That, after all, was exactly why I’d brought him home in the first place.
“Got it. Go wash up quickly, then. I’ll get your bed ready.”
“……Thanks.”
“Don’t sweat it, it’s nothing.”
I flashed a bright smile, not wanting him to feel like he owed me anything. Choi Seol just kept staring back at me silently.
Why isn’t he moving? He’d said everything he needed to say, so it was time for him to actually go. And yet he stayed completely still, which made me uneasy all over again. Was he planning to look for the book first before washing up? Or maybe go check on Ilsun?
“My hand……. Are you planning to keep holding it like this?”
