I was momentarily speechless. Seeing that, the noona asked, worried.
“Don’t tell me he still thinks his grandmother’s alive?”
“No, that’s not it. He clearly said himself that she’d passed away not long ago.”
He’d only said he was seventeen—he’d never said exactly which month his memories went up to. Now that I thought about it, he clearly retained almost the entirety of that one year’s worth of memory. Whether to call that a relief or not, I couldn’t decide.
“So your friend’s traveled back not just in time, but in season too? Waking up to find it’s midsummer instead of the dead of winter—he must be having a real mental breakdown.”
Sighing, the noona muttered, then quickly added, as if catching her own mistake.
“That was absolutely not me making fun of your name.”
“I know.”
I’d been teased about my name countless times before. Hae-sook noona used to do it when I was little, and of course it happened all through elementary, middle, and high school, even well into being a late-blooming university student. Still, thinking back on it, Choi Seol was the one person who’d never once teased me playfully about my name. That had been a good thing, somehow. As if he, of all people, had always been sincere with me.
“Anyway, it was winter break at the time, so it makes sense you wouldn’t have known. If it’d happened during the school term, you’d have noticed something was off.”
Even then, I wouldn’t have known.
I gave a bitter smile at the noona’s misunderstanding. We hadn’t been friends. We’d just been in the same class, which meant I saw his face often, and through a string of coincidences piling on top of each other, we’d ended up exchanging a few words here and there. And from that, my heart had recklessly fluttered, ached in secret, and in the end, it was a relationship where I’d loved alone and ended things alone too. So I supposed it made sense that, like a fool, I’d been feeding off my own misunderstanding the whole time, not knowing a thing.
“Noona, you got a cigarette?”
At this point, I needed something, anything, to lean on.
“This is a hospital.”
“I just want to smell it. I’ll smoke it at home.”
“Oh, will you now?”
“Just one. I’m having a really rough day.”
I’d had to accompany him from the accident scene all the way to the ER, explaining the situation over and over, and on top of that, since I happened to be the only person Choi Seol recognized once he woke up, I’d abruptly become his guardian, stuck wandering the exam room hallways for what was now half a day.
I was hungry, exhausted, and on top of all that, getting stared at because of how shabby I looked, having come out dressed in nothing but sweatpants to take out the trash. Who would’ve thought a quick errand would turn into this much of an ordeal. If I had it my way, I’d have dropped everything, run straight home, and buried myself under a blanket.
The only reason I couldn’t was entirely because of my first love. What was even the big deal about being someone’s “first,” anyway? It was nothing more than an unrequited love that never went anywhere, just endless quiet suffering until it finally ended. Was that exactly why I couldn’t walk away? They said even ghosts wandered the earth, unable to rest, over unresolved regrets.
A love that had run its full course and ended cleanly—I was confident I wouldn’t even look back if I ran into that person again years later. But a love that still left behind regret and lingering attachment—no matter how much time passed, I had no idea what to do about that.
Maybe that was exactly why I felt so unsettled. What was I supposed to do if I ended up wavering all over again, now of all times?
Never once had I resented my seventeen-year-old self this much—the one who’d never even gotten to start, let alone see it through to an end. So I wanted to torment my own insides with something, even if it was bad for me.
“I mean, you’re supposedly his friend, and you only just found out about his tragic family situation after ten years—your insides must be a mess too. Here, take it. This is the first one out of the pack I bought today, you get the honor.”
It was only after being hit with yet another stinging misunderstanding that a cigarette finally landed in my hand. I hadn’t even put it to my mouth yet, and already it had succeeded in tormenting my insides just fine.
“Thanks. I’ll definitely pay you back.”
“You know how it goes—you leave with one, you come back with a whole pack, right?”
“……Just give it here first.”
The interest rate was no different from a loan shark’s, and I hesitated for a second, but the temptation of the cigarette already held out in front of me was too much to resist. It was always the one in need who came out on the losing end. I was just about to bring the unlit cigarette, finally back in my hand after so long, up to my mouth when—
“What happened to your wrist?”
Following the noona’s startled gaze, I looked down at the wrist holding the cigarette. There was a reddish mark near my wrist. It was where Choi Seol had grabbed me earlier in the exam room. It had only been for a moment, yet it had already left a mark like this. It was almost absurd, and it sent a chill through me. Setting aside just how ridiculously strong his grip had been, what struck me more was remembering that persistent gaze he’d fixed on me.
“Han Yeoreum.”
My heart suddenly slammed against my ribs.
Choi Seol was standing behind me, holding a piece of paper, though I had no idea when he’d arrived. The doctor earlier had gone on about social media and the state of the world, so I’d assumed he’d wait until I came back, but apparently peace of mind had mattered more to him than appearances. Just like the teachers back in school, who’d always looked the other way no matter what happened with Choi Seol.
“Oh……. you’re done?”
When did he get here? He didn’t hear everything I said to the noona, did he? Going back over the earlier conversation in my head, checking for anything that might’ve sounded unpleasant to overhear, I absentmindedly put the cigarette to my mouth. That’s when Choi Seol’s hand shot out and snatched the cigarette right out of my mouth. Struck by this sudden act of God, I couldn’t even close my suddenly empty lips, just staring at him, when my face abruptly flushed hot.
“What do you think you’re doing.”
“What are you doing, more like?”
“……What?”
The sheer audacity of him turning this around on me left me too stunned to even respond properly. Meanwhile, Choi Seol moved to toss the cigarette he’d taken from me straight into the trash.
“Hey! That’s an expensive cigarette, you know!”
I owed an entire pack for that single cigarette. Having been out in the world fending for myself from an early age, money mattered to me more than first love ever could. Combined with stress that had already hit its limit, I lost all sense of restraint. Without thinking it through, I closed the distance quickly and grabbed his hand just as he was about to drop the cigarette in the trash can. Choi Seol’s face filled with bewilderment, clearly not expecting me to go this far. Not that it mattered to me.
Ignoring his stare, I tried to pull the cigarette back. More precisely, I tried very hard to. But against a grip that felt like it could overpower me with just two fingers, my strength wasn’t nearly enough. As time passed, instead of stubborn determination, all that built up in me was humiliation, and I finally gave up trying to win it back by force. Instead, I kept my hand locked on his and glared at Choi Seol with everything I had, for having pushed me this far.
“Give me back the cigarette.”
“No. Why do you even need this?”
Even though I’d put real anger into that, Choi Seol still didn’t so much as blink. At this rate, my first love—something that was supposed to be beautiful—was on track to perform the miracle of turning into an actual nemesis.
“Why do you think? I want to smoke, so I’m smoking. Give it back already.”
“Seriously……. You smoke, Han Yeoreum?”
He looked genuinely shocked. The reaction was so unexpectedly fresh that even the heat of my anger started cooling off. Just as I was thinking something seemed off, a deeper realization struck me.
No way. There’s no way.
“Wait, did you take the cigarette away because you think I’m a minor?”
“……!”
There was no answer, but the reaction alone said enough. At my words, something seemed to dawn on Choi Seol too, his eyes wavering. Even the tips of his ears, half-hidden by his hair, seemed to redden slightly.
Seriously? He actually saw me as seventeen? And here he was just calling me old.
“I……. need the restroom.”
Oh, will you now? Apparently mortified by the whole situation himself, he tried to make his escape, using the exact same excuse I’d used back in the exam room. The instant he did, I tightened my grip on the hand I was still holding and yanked it. I’d expected him to shake free, but surprisingly, he let himself be caught easily. Once again, I found myself meeting a flustered gaze.
What on earth is going on here?
In every encounter we’d ever had, I’d always been the one left flustered and scrambling. But today, it had flipped entirely. Maybe from holding on so long, the warmth against my palm felt hot. Not quite burn-worthy, though. There’d been a time, long ago, when I’d genuinely thought it might be. Time, it seemed, had cooled not just my own heart but the warmth I felt from him too.
Now that it had actually come to this, not knowing what else to do, I just stood there holding his gaze, when a cough sounded beside us.
“Ahem! Quite the view from where I’m standing, but don’t you two think it’s about time to step apart?”
Only then did I look around to see the hallway had filled with people. It seemed both our voices had risen without us noticing. There was no need to even ask where their blatant stares were fixed.
This time, as if truly burned, I yanked my hand back from Choi Seol’s. That had been the plan, anyway. But all that happened was the situation reversing. Choi Seol seized my hand again. Again. Just as persistent a grip as the gaze I’d felt back in the exam room, and I stared at him, flustered.
“Choi Seol?”
“Don’t go.”
His voice was desperate enough to make my chest tighten. It felt like I was finally hearing what Choi Seol had really meant to say back in the exam room, the words he’d held back.
“Sorry. Everything’s just really overwhelming right now…… I think I’m not quite myself.”
Maybe his composure had been nothing but my own misreading all along. Actually, going by what the doctor had said in the exam room, Choi Seol’s cooperation had only started recently. At first, he’d apparently distrusted everyone insisting that ten years had passed beyond what he remembered, even attempting something as rash as bolting from the ER. I was the one who’d caught him then.
I’d assumed it was simply because I was someone he recognized, so he was less guarded with me. That he was getting his exams and treatment done because I told him to. I’d even felt a little proud, thinking that at least to seventeen-year-old Choi Seol, I wasn’t someone he disliked. Looking back on that now, I felt pretty pathetic. If anyone had been lost in the past, ignoring the present, it had been me.
“That’s the prescription, right? Give it to me.”
I reached out with my free hand and pulled the paper from Choi Seol’s grip. He flinched slightly, but handed that over without resistance, even while stubbornly holding onto both my other hand and the cigarette. Seeing that, I couldn’t help but laugh now.
“Noona, could you cover the hospital bill for now? I’ll transfer it to you later.”
Having come out wearing nothing but sweatpants just to throw out the trash before getting swept off in an ambulance, I obviously had no phone or wallet on me. I’d only eaten thanks to the bread and milk the noona had bought me that morning. The same was true for the patient who’d been in an accident mere hours ago. Thankfully, the noona accepted the prescription I held out to her without complaint.
“Got it. We’re heading out now, I take it?”
“Yes. Oh, but noona, that thing you said you wanted to talk to Choi Seol about earlier—could we maybe put that off? He’s a patient right now, and I think he needs some rest.”
“Well, that’s fine by me, I guess……. Are you two heading straight home?”
“I think we probably should, yeah.”
I said awkwardly, glancing at Choi Seol to gauge his reaction.
“Stay at my place tonight. I live alone, so there’s no one else there. It’s just a countryside house, so don’t expect much, but it’s a hanok with several rooms, so it shouldn’t be too uncomfortable.”
At my words, Choi Seol’s eyes widened. He stared at me for an embarrassingly long moment before finally, carefully, opening his mouth.
“Is that really okay?”
